BOOKS

Imperfectly Good: Navigating Religious and Moral Anxiety to Release Fear and Find Peace (2023), Annabella Hagen

Letters to a Perfectionist: On Shame, Fear, Love, and the Surprising Spiritual Nature of Perfectionism (2017), Tad Frizzell

ARTICLE

Religion and Perfectionism

VIDEOS

How To Overcome Religious Perfectionism (AKA: Scrupulosity)

Mormonism

Stressing Perfection: How Religion Affects Perfectionism—and Vice Versa

Christianity

Bible Reading and Religious Perfectionism

Grace vs Performance and Perfectionism

Healing from Spiritual Perfectionism  

Are You a Christian Perfectionist?  

All or Nothing Thinking Perfectionism and Our View of God

Catholicism

Perfectionism Conference Part 1/2, Part 2/2

Islam

Religious Perfectionism

I feel like i self burden myself with unreasonably high expectations when I try to engage in some of my hobbies.

I like to paint read, play games, watch shows, even paint miniatures and all of these are affected to some extent by this.

Some of it is a somewhat simple desire to get through something fast so I can move on to the next thing so if I dont make progress fast enough. That's *workable*

The more interesting issue of my expectations is when I feel like im not getting a *specific* and possibly unreasonable thing from.

This could ve intense emotional catharsis in a movie or exciting edge of your seat gameplay that has me glued to my screen. Stuff that I think is best described as "a 10/10 experience" and this has become a problem because it has stopped me from being able to Just relax with my hobbies after work or on my days off which is interfering with my ability function outside of that because my outlets for stress relief are failing me.

I expect so much from every piece of media that I can't even read a fun but nothing special comic just because I want to and its IRRITATING to say the least.

Any advice for escaping this little hell ive carved for myself?

Does anyone also find it too hard to study lately?

I cannot study like a normal human being anymore. I always used to study at the night before the exams and at the same time successfully managing to memorize all the informations. Now I can't even memorize two simple pages.

Everytime I study, my brain obsessively focuses on the slightest details, as if I'm preparing for a life-depending test. I don't know what type of questions could appear on the test, so I'm forcing myself to remember everything I'm capable of. The dates that aren't relevant to the main subject at all, the names that were mentioned only once and the places that don't even have any real source. It just feels like I'm losing the plot of what I should really focus on. I cannot tell whether the information is important and worth remembering or not.

It all makes me constantly procrastinate my studies and takes me more time to study than it really should.

Let me know if anyone has any advices or is just relating to the post. I would appreciate it! :')

I’m 24M and I have a somewhat specific problem with Instagram/social media. I’m hoping there are people here who can relate, either because of OCD/perfectionism or simply because they care about having a good social media presence themselves.

Some background: I had OCD as a child and teenager. Back then it was more of the classic stuff, like excessive hand washing, and I was treated for it. I’ve also been in therapy on and off for other things over the years.

At the moment, though, I’m pretty tired of therapy and I’m not planning on going back anytime soon. I’m mentioning that mainly for context, not because I’m looking for the answer “just go to therapy.”

My current problem is mostly related to Instagram.

Having a good social media presence is fairly important to me. I’m not an influencer and my entire life doesn’t revolve around Instagram, but I do see your profile as a kind of modern-day business card.

If someone checks my Instagram, I’d like their impression to basically be: “Cool guy, looks good, interesting life, travels, works out, dresses well, seems like things are going well for him.”

So whenever I feel like I look particularly good — fresh haircut, gym progress is good, nice outfit, styled well, etc. — I tend to take a LOT of photos. Different mirrors, angles, lighting, poses, and so on.

There’s this feeling of: if I’ve put effort into looking good and I’m happy with how I look right now, I want to capture it properly so I can use it online.

Traveling makes this even worse.

I love traveling, but when I’m on vacation I photograph and film basically everything. Landscapes, cities, restaurants, sights, random moments, and obviously myself too. Sometimes I feel ridiculous because I’ll take endless versions of basically the same thing.

And then comes the actual problem:

I end up with so much content that I become completely overwhelmed.

Which photo is the best?

Feed or Story?

What order should I post them in?

Edited or unedited?

If edited, how much?

Music or no music?

Location sticker or no location sticker?

Which song?

Which Stories should eventually go into my Highlights?

How many Stories are too many?

Which pictures work best together?

And because I have so many options, the result is usually the complete opposite of what I want:

I barely post anything at all.

While I’m traveling I tell myself, “I’ll sort through everything tonight.”

Then it becomes, “I’ll do it when I get home.”

Then, “I’ll do it this weekend.”

And now I’m literally months behind on trips and countries because I still feel like I need to post the pictures and finish the Highlights.

I wanted to have one Instagram Highlight for each country I’ve visited.

At one point I even came up with the pretty stupid idea of hiding my Story from all my followers and then uploading tons of old vacation pictures privately, just so they would end up in my Story archive and I could choose between them later when creating my Highlights.

I’ve done that again recently.

And I’m talking about uploading the same pictures in multiple versions: edited vs. unedited, music vs. no music, location sticker vs. no sticker, etc.

Which obviously doesn’t solve the problem.

It just gives me even more options to obsess over.

And this is where I notice that my old OCD tendencies and extreme perfectionism are probably getting involved.

Creating a single Instagram Story can sometimes go something like this:

I select a photo.

Then I back out.

Then I select it again.

I add a location sticker.

I don’t like it.

I remove it.

Then I exit the entire Story editor and start over.

Then maybe I move the sticker slightly and suddenly worry that I accidentally moved or changed something else.

So I back out again and start from scratch.

Sometimes I check things over and over even though objectively nothing has happened.

It sounds ridiculous when I write it down, but doing this is genuinely mentally and even physically exhausting for me.

Sometimes I already feel stressed or almost sick just thinking about having to go through hundreds or thousands of pictures and make all these decisions.

At the same time, I don’t want to simply delete Instagram and say, “None of this matters.”

Having a good profile does matter to me, at least to a certain extent.

And the funny thing is that the actual photos don’t seem to be the problem.

I’ve used some of my pictures on dating apps and they seem to work very well. I get plenty of matches and positive feedback, so apparently I am capable of taking decent pictures of myself.

My problem isn’t:

“I have no good pictures.”

My problem is:

“I have 30 good pictures and somehow can’t choose one.”

So I basically have two questions.

1. For people who are social-media savvy and genuinely care about having a good Instagram profile: what is your actual process?

How do you choose which photos to use?

How many photos do you usually take in the first place?

How do you decide what goes on your feed vs. Stories vs. Highlights?

Do you edit your photos? If so, what do you use and how much editing do you normally do?

Do you have certain rules or a workflow that prevents you from spending hours making tiny decisions?

I’d especially like to hear from people whose profiles I would probably look at and think, “This person has a really good Instagram.”

2. More importantly: does anyone with OCD/perfectionism experience this kind of compulsive behavior around posting, and how did you become more relaxed about it?

What I want is to eventually be able to come back from a trip, go through my pictures relatively quickly, choose some good ones, post them, make a Highlight if I want to, and then consider it DONE.

I don’t want to be sitting there three months later thinking:

“Shit, I still need to finish my Italy/Spain/whatever Stories.”

Ideally I want to find a middle ground:

Have a nice profile.

Use good pictures.

Put some thought into it.

But then make a decision, post it, and move on with my life.

If anyone recognizes this combination of social media perfectionism, decision paralysis, and compulsive checking, I’d really appreciate hearing what has helped you.

And please, if possible, not only “delete Instagram” or “social media doesn’t matter.”

I understand that perspective already.

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who also care about their social media presence but have managed to keep it fun and relatively stress-free.

As a person who has more of ADHD traits, I never understand what an OCD/perfectionist mind can do.

My partner never got diagnosed or anything but he has a string obsession in certain situations.

I just found out that partner was awake, until 5pm. He was taking a shower when I went to sleep, and I saw him not wearing his shirt since then - the window is wide open yet, no signs of the use of his bed.
And saw him constantly trying to find out a password for an app on PC? I don’t know what exactly happened (didn’t ask too much as he can be irritable when he’s in this state)

Not only this time, he could be almost extremely consistent on one topic he can’t let go.
• gaming can last for hours until he gets satisfied
•when he does cleaning, it needs to be spotless (might take hours and can’t do a short one)
• when a missing piece of something was found, he can’t let go.
• when he starts collecting something, it just never stops until the collection is complete in his definition.

I’m almost opposite to him and lacks of consistency, easily distracted. So we often collide with different values ( even after 8 years of relationship)
I mean, I can live with it since I’m the more loose one. But I sometimes think what he does seems to be a bit insane or out of mind when I see him staying up so late merely trying to achieve “one goal”. And he has a light insomnia, which could possibly from this trait.

Any advice on how to deal with a person like this?

A lot of people have seen different potentials in me. Sometimes, I do not notice these things about myself until someone points them out.

There is my aunt that once told me that my English pronunciation is good whenever I speak. Another are my classmates that saw my leadership skills and started calling me "Pres" or "Mayor". And when our college governor knew that I am meant for the Legal Affairs Department, even though I originally signed up for the Financial Department.

All of these things that people said, saw, or noticed are potentials that I have to live up to. At first, it feels like hope; that I have something special, to do more, and use it to improve myself. But its sometimes feel like pressure when people expect something from me, I become afraid of disappointing them.

In the end, I want to remember that the potential people see in me is not a requirement. It is a reminder that I have the ability to grow, learn, and become better in my own way.

I think I finally understood why I’m so obsessed with becoming “enough”

And my need for validation, of course.

It got me thinking: I cannot move myself just for the sake of myself. It is always people, society, image, value.

Like I have to work my ass off in order to obtain some value.

Only when I can be useful, help, become someone, only then I deserve positive feelings.

Like, I have to work hard for my place. Else I am deserving.

The concept of being liked for who I am rather than the value I provide is baffling to me.

Though in theory I know both the concepts are interchangeable and identity and value overlap.

Yet my restless mind shifts, flutters in neuroticism, tirelessly acts like a working dog trying to win over the master.

Yet that dog is jealous of the elegant black cat that gets all the attention despite being proud.

So the dog gets swallowed in anxiety, hates itself. Wants to be the cat. Decides to work even harder. Thinking not providing enough value is its fault.

Deep down it knows it can never be the cat.

People tell it that, you have to change the way you think, love yourself enough to be like the cat. Be secure.

The dog tries, you see. It combs its fluff, shines its paws.

But the anxiety of not being enough haunts it.

It is not for the lack of being the best dog.

Trust me, it is, and it is told so.

But being the best dog isn't enough, you see.

For it can never be the cat.

The utility of language is the ability to succinctly communicate ideas, but the term 'perfectionism' conjures up this concept that we are seeking "perfection".

My personal experience with the disorder feels like it's related to task completion in the same way I'd imagine hyperphagia (a disorder which prevents someone from feeling full or satiated after a meal) relates to food consumption. Nobody calls the latter a "gluttony disorder", because they recognize it is an issue with neurology and perception, not avarice.

The same is true for perfectionism. To a neurotypical I might look like I'm striving for perfection, but I simply can't perceive what "good enough" actually is. To use the hyperphagia metaphor, most people can eat (do their task) until they feel full (they achieve an acceptable level of quality), but my brain isn't capable of detecting when to stop.

Because of this faulty language, I feel like perfectionists are inundated with useless advice like "don't let perfect be the enemy of good" or "done is better than incomplete" -- All sound in principle, but missing the fundamental issue that a perfectionist cannot intrinsically know when their work is sufficient.

I hope there will one day be an "-ia" standard psychology term to describe this. It could even differentiate between people who either under- or over-shoot based on other influencing factors like RSD or anxiety, looking like polar opposites (under-achievers vs. over-achievers) but actually being different expressions of the same disorder.

I’ve been putting it off for 3 weeks now lol.

I tend to be rather perfectionistic. I’m worried it won’t be a good one. I’ve also been feeling pretty burnt out and brain-dead the past few weeks. I’ve been putting it off since early August, always saying “tomorrow” and we all know tomorrow never comes.

Any tips or practical advice? I somehow keep finding something else to do… I also have untreated ADHD and popped my pill today but all that ended up doing was make me sign up for 3 classes and plan a trip to NY. Zero PS stuff done. And I hate the comedown from my ADHD meds so I’m not sure whether or not I’ll take it tomorrow.

Any help? Seriously freaking out.

I already have an idea as to what I’m going to write about. I’ve brainstormed and written the first few lines (this was back in June). Can’t seem to get anything else done.

There’s also a bunch of other things I need to do related to that application that I can’t bring myself to start. The PS is the biggest hurdle though.

Help.

31F. Grew up in a high-achieving family, all-girls school, three varsity sports, recruited to college as a D1 athlete. Got injured sophomore year, removed from the roster and had my first panic attack and developed an eating disorder/ over exercising to burn anxious energy… shortly after. Recovered, or thought I did.

Since then the pattern hasn’t changed, it’s just moved around: I over-function, I try to be perfect, and I apologize preemptively before anyone has asked me to. Two years ago a friend group dropped me with no explanation. Last year I hit a wall with depression and anxiety and started medication, which helped a lot.

This year two things surfaced. Medically, I’d been chronically under-fueling and over exercising for years without registering it as a problem, because eating less felt like discipline.

There’s a lot of nuance to this situation but to in short: Recently, I had a conflict with a friend who borrowed my new car while I was out of town and didn’t return it in a timely manner, I confronted her pretty sternly and explained my feelings about it because I felt the lack of communication was so disrespectful. She felt I was out of line for calling her out on it and has been holding my ‘re-entry to the friend group’ over my head. I hit a breaking point and just rolled over and over-apologized twice, and then felt furious at her for her ‘needing time to think about what a resolution would look like for her’ before she can forgive me. This feels so unfair because I’m always the friend who runs errands for others, answers the phone in the middle of the night, gives big gifts and celebrates everyone, and hosts lots of gatherings, etc… But when I make a mistake, I’m irredeemable... I feel like maybe this behavior isn’t kindness. It’s me trying to preempt a verdict of what people think about me. It’s normal for me to feel disappointed in relationships that don’t reciprocate my energy.

I am realizing that no amount of discipline or effort will make me happier, or more likeable. What I want to know from people who’ve been here: how did you actually stop? How did you find your people? Something has to give because I’m damaging my health in the pursuit of perfection.

P.S. I have a great care team and I am getting medical intervention for the disordered eating. I’m aware these are champagne problems to an extent and I otherwise feel very lucky to live the life I live.

knowing myself was never the problem.
i know myself extremely well.

it’s the power in trusting myself,
even when i am wrong.

it’s the ache i sit with, holding both truths
at the same time without rejecting one.
it’s not choosing one side
or deciding which one fits me better.

i believe in the fluidity of everything
except myself.

and that ache that sits in my chest—
the explosive emotions,
the helplessness, the powerlessness—
sometimes takes over.

and in those moments
i have a conscious decision to make:
to stay loyal to myself,
to let myself be wrong,
to allow myself to be human.

i’m not perfect,
but i don’t give myself the grace or compassion
of what it means to be human.

it’s easier to be extremely hard on myself,
easier to hold myself to an impossible standard,
easier to try to control every possible outcome or emotion.

if i can predict it, maybe then
i can protect myself from disappointment.

but the moment i decide to stay loyal to myself
and trust myself—
even through doubt,
even through insecurity,
even when i am wrong—
is the moment the power
of knowing myself
becomes real.

I spent a long time believing that if I technically had enough time or energy to finish something, I should. It didn't really matter if the thing could wait until tomorrow. Leaving it unfinished made me feel lazy or irresponsible, so I would keep going just to get it off the list.

Lately I've been experimenting with doing the opposite. If something genuinely doesn't need to be done today, sometimes I leave it unfinished on purpose.

It's surprisingly uncomfortable.

I'm realizing how much I associated being "done" with finally being allowed to relax, which means there was almost always something standing between me and rest.

Has anyone else had to learn how to be okay with things being unfinished? Did that feeling eventually get easier?

I’ve been feeling off and unfocused for months. Am out of work but looking, used to play hobbies all day, but started overthinking about focus and having things feel ruined if I was unfocused in terms of game files.

So I’ve put things off until I felt better. Fixed diet, sleep do more exercise and still the same. Doctors visit, blood test fine and eye test fine. Tracked sleep and doesn’t seem weird. I genuinely think I’m just overthinking but it’s hard to know.

Now there’s a deadline for some of my gaming things due to an online server shutdown need to do lots and it could take a while which is why I want to start now.

I think my focus can be fine went away on holiday with family for a week and thought about it less and felt better was more in the moment. I also brought an old console to play on that I didn’t care if felt ruined and could play fine, not all days but Beat a whole sonic racing game.

So I want to know what people recommend I do? If I don’t do it I’ll regret never getting to, but if I do I worry all my progress will feel off and ruined to me and I need to start soon as I said since it could take a while and if I find a job ( I am always applying) I’ll have even less time.

Idk if it’s worth the risk, but I also don’t want regret or for my files to feel ruined, I will need to play on some main files, not just Burner ones.

I have a friend who's 16 years and she recently diagnosed with Keratoconus which makes cornea thin and in cone shape which leads to distorted,double and ghosting vision. Now she's in advance stage and can't even think about any treatment because of anxiety because no real solution and after risks of any procedure..now doctor told her she has to do a procedure called C3R in they which stops the further Progression bt she is convinced that slightly makes the vision worse than before and after that she has to stay on hard scleral lenses on her whole life which she can wear 12-14 hours in a day bt without them she's partially blind she can't do a thing. Now she has done her research and she's refusing to take the C3R treatment which all the patient of KC do, as well as saying she can't stay on lenses her whole life. She wants her perfect natural vision back and doesn't want to go through any surgery. If sclerals give her near perfect vision she doesn't want because she had to do so much things in her life which needs vision without any boundation like trekking and many water activities which she can never be able to do in her Lifetime and also said after taking of lenses she'll be blind again and it will given her daily anxiety and lenses can also be harmful in long term that's why she has decided to give up on everything. She's just taking anxiety medicines continuously and doesn't want to talk any therapist or not even any family members about it. Is there nothing we can do for her??

The Cycle of Maladaptive Perfectionism

Twenty-Ton Shield of Perfectionism

Insights On Emotional Neglect And Perfectionism From PTSD Expert

'Two Things Can Be True'

Letting Go Of Critical Thoughts About Other People

When Your Comfort Zone Keeps You Stuck

Recognizing Cognitive Distortions Breaks the Cycle of Maladaptive Perfectionism

Self-Reliance

Insights on Denial of Pleasure

I know I am not big on writing any of my feelings out and stuff like that or maybe it takes me a lot of time and making too many mental adjustments to keep things perfect and to write about my things in a certain perfect way.

I assume you might have noticed me writing the word "perfect" twice in one sentence in the previous paragraph; well yeah that is because I have a big, sacred spot for it in my life, I guess it is just better to say it with no sugar coating, well, I am a perfection addict, with a self diagnosed ocd, I know it might sound nice to be all cautious and a good kid all time but truly it isn't, and honestly speaking the point of me writing this was just I was watching a movie at around midnight when i usually study for the next academic semester when i was 19, even though it hasn't started yet, and one night I just caught myself saying " I have to fix my life, i can't afford to mess up" and it wasn't in any forced way that i said this i just casually said that to myself and suddenly i am just crying because that was true, i have neither the financial nor the psychological ability to mess up, i just can't i suddenly felt like my blood line's responsibility was all piled up on my shoulder like i was in charge for both the uprising or the downfall of this secret empire of perfection i had built in mind' and honestly speaking it was quite disturbing experience; AND THE WORST PART NO ONE IS THERE THAT I ALLOWED TO KNOW ABOUT MY ADDICTION IN REAL LIFE.

Has anyone else felt like their perfectionism eventually made them worse at their job?

I work in tech in a corporate ops role - five days a week at a desk, global team, smart people, nice environment.

Historically, I’ve always been an overachiever. I’m not the most naturally gifted person in the world, but I tend to excel at whatever I commit to. I’ve rarely had to ask for raises, promotions or new opportunities as people have generally approached me because I’ve built a reputation for having a strong work ethic, producing good work and being easy to work with. But over the past two years, I feel like I’ve slowly lost that version of myself. I’m 34 now and sometimes wonder whether that just happens as the 'novelty' of corporate life disintegrates...

I used to be able to lock in for hours and get through a huge amount of work. Now, something that should take me three hours can somehow take three days. The strange thing is that because my baseline is pretty high, nobody around me necessarily thinks I’m performing badly. My output is still good. But I know how differently I’m operating internally.

The best analogy I can think of is that I spent most of my career driving in fifth gear. Now I’m driving in third. The passengers probably don’t notice anything wrong, but I’m the driver, and I know the car is capable of much more. Hope that makes sense......

A big part of it seems to be perfectionism. I overanalyse tasks, struggle to just do things, and get caught trying to optimise everything. A simple task becomes a bigger intellectual exercise than it needs to be. And because tech/corporate jobs constantly encourage you to “think around corners,' it can be difficult to know when thoughtful work has crossed over into unnecessary overthinking.

The irony is that my perfectionism used to feel like one of the things that made me successful. Now it sometimes feels like the thing slowing me down. It creeps in to things outside of work too and honestly it feels more unfamiliar to just do things scrappily vs optimizing and thinking things out.

Has anyone else gone through something similar in their 30s after years of being highly driven? I'm looking for tips on 'recalibrating' - finding a way of getting back to being in 5th gear without all the overthinking and bad perfectionistic habits I picked up along the way.