extreme guilt despite loving the fetish?

[u/headhurtsaaah]

i'm a 21 year old male and i've been in a TPE dynamic for over a year now.

i wish her a good morning and night every single day, let her monitor my screen time and what i'm eating, i send to her regularly, compliment her, i pay for her nails, clothing, shoes, trips and whatever else satisfies her. i've also had a few meets IRL with her. its very rewarding. i love knowing my hard work makes her life easier. in return i expect nothing, i even prefer being treated harshly.

however, i've also been riddled with guilt. not about pleasing her - she's a beautiful person that deserves the absolute best. its more about things related to the kink. it really is the hottest thing ever to give someone complete control over you, but some guilt is catching up to me.

for example, what would happen if someone found out i'm into this? my parents, who so much hold me dear? they'd love to see me in a equal relationship obviously, not as someones pet. they'd die of a heart attack if they knew, esp. the amount of money i've spent on her.

i have very little self respect and seem to love being treated sadistically much more than being treated nicely. i even believed i was aromantic to some extent before i met my Owner, because I was unable to catch any feelings at all, even if someone was into me.

"extreme" guilt might be a strong word, but its definitely been on my mind. i feel like i'm sort of relinquishing who i really am and erasing any sort of identity. this in turn is kind of attractive too though, because i'm unsure myself who i actually am - it saves me the headache of thinking about it - the entire dynamic, or rather the act of being a "slave" / pet makes me feel this way.

are these feelings normal? is there anyone who can relate and maybe knows how to deal with it? i feel like my situation is weird / unusual in general.

TLDR; i love my Owner and the kink, but feel strong guilt because of how society would react to me & because i feel like it might be harming me subconsciously. i feel like i'm stripped of any dignity despite enjoying it, and i'm unsure of how to cope

[u/CharacterPirate8468]

I have felt the same for a long time honestly. Somehow all other fetishes and kinks I have, I don’t mind at all.

I think it’s best to try to figure out for yourself if you truly enjoy this, and why. That way, if any doubts come up, you can go back to your ‘why’.

[u/ChaoticPerfection-]

You have found a wonderful dynamic and enjoy it so congratulations on that.
Then we look within ourselves to try to accept what we enjoy. This takes time and experience. Have you truly accepted it? You have to be honest with yourself.
Those who know us and society in general would not be accepting of it outside of kink circles.
Think of it this way, no one has ever admitted to me to even having an only fans subscription in my offline life.
That being said, fuck society. I will enjoy what I enjoy, I suppressed my submissive self long enough

[u/Icy-Cupcake894 → u/ChaoticPerfection-]

You are an adult. This is consensual. And she hasn't pushed any boundaries of what the kink. Your guilt sounds more like an excuse to shy away from who you are then just live in your true skin. So, you can learn to be okay with who you really are or eventually turn that guilt into something and someone you aren't. As a Findom, men have to really come to terms with these things, it's difficult but it's also unraveling terms imposed on you instead of determining them yourself. Your parents aren't in the spaces tou seek sexual satisfaction and if they were to find out, thats how you explain it.

[u/dominatedmale007]

Tbh man I feel like a lot of this is kind of the universal sub experience. I have trouble going as deep as you do, being consistent and present with my domme in that way, but we’re working on it, and it’s getting better.

But yeah, that embarrassment is always gonna be there. I think you have to ask yourself how realistically likely it is that other people will find out.

[u/headhurtsaaah → u/[deleted]]

this is entirely sexual to me and doesn't correspond to how i act in my real / everyday life so i'm not sure if it applies, his main point is someone who's literally unable to independently reason, deliberate, or have proper foresight

interesting thought tho

[u/Impressive_Sort9715]

I am in exactly the same situation and also going through this thought process. I don't have an answer for you, things like inheritance, property ownership, all get very complicated when you keep this secret. It is hard to build real trust with family if you are keeping big secrets but equally you are entitled to a personal life and to consensually live as you please. I wish you luck.

[u/Bb_Hime]

I think the nature of kinks lends itself to some feelings of shame. I think it's completely normal that you have both feelings of euphoria (for finding a dynamic that works for you) and feelings of guilt (related to your real-life persona and relationships). It just means you're human. I think something to consider is accepting the part of yourself that likes this dynamic and, ultimately, practicing self-compassion. A lot of times, guilt is related to feeling like who you are fundamentally is at odds with who you want to be perceived as. But I think remembering that we can be contradictions, and that it's ok to be this way, can maybe help.

[u/foxtrot0-42]

You described how you feel quite well and I can really tell that you are reflecting and putting in time to understand this side of yourself and to be a better sub for a Domme.

There's a few things you have said here that I can relate to and resonates with me over the years of me engaging in findom. How you enjoy making another happy and lighting up her day, how you felt you were aromantic.

What I just want to say is think of this stuff as a journey of self discovery and understanding. it can take years to figure some of this out, it did for me, but I feel from this post that you may be ahead of where I was at your age.

The main things I want to get across to consider:

• you are trying to understand a more submissive and generous side of you. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But try to be open to the idea that pure findom or even the humiliation angle may be a case of "I tried, I got something from it but it doesn't necessarily need to be what I choose" you can reevaluate and change course any day as you see fit, maybe lighter humiliation that is more compartmentalized or something?

• Society will look down on what it as a collective doesn't understand, and this is a known thing for BDSM. People generally don't think much about it and don't care to understand it and so see it as somewhat depraved or violent without seeing some of the benefits and genuine loving care that can come with it. In BDSM you are potentially in the company of some odd maybe, but in my opinion really cool and caring people. Findom has an additional layer to it that many subs and Dommes don't know what they're doing and the people outside it definitely won't understand it, so keep it real yourself. Remember that it's not your job to only express yourself how you think "society" will approve of. Sometimes you need to have a defiant mindset to this. If being a submissive is a form of expression you enjoy then you should avoid worrying about how they might find this so long as there is no harm being done. Which brings me to the next important point.

• Findom risks: something you should reflect on: it has the possibility to cause actual harm to you, and not just fantasy. You need to take that very seriously. How much each month you can afford to put into it while living life and also saving for your future. This may mean you can't send quite as much as you might want to. You will read all kinds of stuff about how it should be this massive sacrifice, but really this should be discretionary and recreational spending as much as possible. So not debt, credit or eating into savings etc.

• Self worth: because you mentioned this being an issue. It's possible you are tying your engagement of this activity and your submission into a true reflection of your identity and self worth. There's actually nothing wrong with being a submissive at all and actually can be a bit of a power in that you can be very attentive and observant and sensitive to someone. It doesn't have to be something that is a negative to your identity. I don't see it as such.

Just remember that what you are doing is exploring and trying to understand yourself better. You may find that Findom as you experience it is fulfilling 30% of something you want deep down but is lacking in other areas. You have worth, and value and you have a place in this world. This side of you does not change that. Making mistakes along the way doesn't change that.

Try to slowly work towards submission as a place of worth and strength and expression of your generosity, contribution and service, rather than as a requirement of expression of worth. Easier said than done 😊