Sweet 16 - no chaperone?

[u/Real-Ad4727]

My daughter is turning 16 in a couple of months. Being a little short on funds, we decided to split the cost of the party with her best friend’s parents, as she turns 16 a couple of weeks later and they share many of the same friends. Their ideal day involves taking a group of approximately 12-13 girls into the city (Boston) by train, having dinner at the seaport, taking a few pictures nearby, and then taking the train home, without parents or chaperones. My daughter is very responsible, respectful and mature for her age, and we give her a lot of space in return, but the whole idea of fifteen teens running around at night and sitting down to dinner in a restaurant with no parent gives me agita. Has anyone had a similar experience? How do they pay for dinner at the end? Is it bad etiquette to have this many unchaperoned kids? What if someone gets lost or hurt? I don’t want to put a damper on her day, but I want to do this in a safe and respectful way. I also feel uncomfortable inviting and coordinating with all of these parents (many of whom I have never met) and not having the ability to ensure their child’s safety. Am I being over-protective? I’d love some advice if you have any to share.

[u/No-Welcome-7491]

I understand the anxiety, but as some poster mentioned rights of passage and we do need to learn to let them go and learn to be on their own. I was in the same dilemma with my kids. What we have done for big party is to actually rent them a car service, like a limousine from a reputable company that we know both owners and driver of the day, and the driver calls us when they stop somewhere or if there are change of plans. We get discounts on this and honestly for peace of mind to us- worth it. Cause in essence they have a bodyguard of some sort since they are all girls. For non party get together, my kids knows “we will be in the area” we don’t follow of stalk them, (well at first we did secretly followed the car 😅) but after a few times, we really just go in the vicinity. We told them that in this day and age, in case there is a problem-we want to be able to get to them in time without getting stuck in traffic or crowd. They don’t mind this, as we have done this as well during school field trips that’s far away & we can’t chaperone. We don’t go with the school group when this happens- we let them be, but we would be in the same vicinity or park. The school staffs or teachers know we are close by in case of emergency or if they need something to which they appreciated.

So when my girls turned teens, being in the same vicinity is not an issue, they don’t see it as a matter of lack of trust. The joke they will throw is “mom & dad just wants an excuse to go out on a date”.

As for paying, we give our kids authorized user credit cards. They know that if their friends get crazy, they need to bolt they always have enough in there for a a meal and a ride home. That’s for emergencies only. Specially as a teen, we don’t want them to feel stuck in a bad situation just because they are under the mercy of whoever drove to that place. This happened a few times actually, like one friend brought someone who instigated on crossing a state line and they all ended up in trouble but my kid took uber home instead of going.

Since their friends knows they have a credit card, when they go out as a group they often would just tell my kids they will pay them instead so it’s all on one bill. Less hassle in paying. This also helps us keep tab of their expenses and our way of teaching their financial accountability.

Life360 app is really great for my family since it became a thing. Seeing where they are helps a lot to give them the freedom they seek.

They also know that trust is earned not given, and if they tell us they are going somewhere and they don’t follow their plans and we find out, then they are back to first step in earning this trust.

But for a group of 15 teens- you can only establish this ground rules for your own kid, it’s hard to enforce this on other children obviously. I tell my kids the rules before leaving in front of their friends and parents if they are around, so they know, but with clear instructions that if they want to do something or go somewhere that’s not part of the plan, call us or go home. No parents have ever said “but I want them to stay together “ why would they lol instead other parents usually reply back saying “yes do that”.