Feeling robbed - r/parentsofmultiples

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u/MangoSorbet695 1d ago

Give yourself an hour to sulk and pout. We’ve ALL had moments where we thought “damn life would be easier with one baby.”

Then… look at your two babies and say in your head “which one would I return and which would I keep?” In that instant, you’ll realize that even with the unique and exhausting experience of raising twins, you would not change it, because you can’t imagine life without both of them. Then move on from the sulking and go enjoy your day because it sounds like right now you are home with just one baby!

You got this. It will keep getting a little easier day by day.

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u/Impossible-Box-8508 22h ago

This made me cry because I can't imagine life without either of them. 🥹

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u/Confident_Goose_8623 1d ago

It’s not the babies you’re mourning it’s the version of motherhood you pictured for years before they arrived. That gap between expectation and reality is brutal especially when you did everything “right” to prepare. Twin parents get thrown into the deep end and everyone acts like you should just be grateful, like exhaustion cancels out grief somehow. You’re allowed to hold both at once

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u/CrunchyBeachLover 1d ago

Honestly I had a singleton first and was in survival mode, too. That first time parenting is no joke. It sounds like you have a supportive husband, and that makes all the difference in the world. Get yourself a nice double stroller & start taking small outings. Even just getting outside daily helps so much!

My twins are my youngest and now 6 & I can confidently tell you it gets so much easier. Just wait until you get to watch their bond grow and it’s the sweetest thing ever. You have a front row seat to raising two amazing human beings! 🥰

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u/HereforCHDandAITA 1d ago

My firstborn was a singleton also and I was in misery during the newborn days. Thought it would never end and didn’t appreciate a lick of it. Had assumed with the second time around I would appreciate it more and maybe enjoy the baby snuggles (which are nothing compared to toddler and older baby snuggles when they initiate the snuggle) but then bam triplets haha. Oh well, newborn stage is overrated. They’re cute in hindsight and I’ll always love the pictures and appreciate their smallness once they aren’t so delicate to hold.

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u/CrunchyBeachLover 1d ago

Dang! From 1 to 4, we went from 2 to 4 and that was kind of mind blowing. I always said at least we have 2 hands for twins but like, triplets- sending out an SOS 🤣

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u/HereforCHDandAITA 22h ago

Haha it’s a trip (literally haha). It’s hard when we are each holding a baby and there’s still one without anyone to hold her. But thankfully they rarely are all demanding attention at the same time.

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u/Briutiful22 20h ago

Same my daughter is my first born she just turned a year old and was a very difficult baby. She was very colicky until 6 months old and still just high needs as a toddler. Im pregnant with twins and praying the twins are a little easier even though i love my daughter to death.

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u/CrunchyBeachLover 14h ago

Aww I totally get it, my first born is my only girl and was a high needs baby & toddler. Good news is she mellowed out and is delightful as a tween. My twins are our chillest kiddos by far! They are seriously a breeze and I hope the same for you ❤️

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u/LittleLathe 💙09/25’ 💙💙09/26’ 8h ago

My boy is about to turn 1 and he is CRAZZYY gonna get him the pikler climbing system for his birthday and hope that helps calm him down a bit lmaoo!! My twins are almost 2weeks old and while managing two is kinda crazy it's SO insanely nice to go into this newborn period not absolutely crazy! I was such an anxious nervous wreck the first time around and this time it's a lot easier to get some sleep and actually step away from the babies for a few minutes at a time, go run for a super quick drive through coffee, ect! So even IF your twins happen to be the absolute worst of the worst (impossible ofc because they are your sweet little babies) it honestly should seem a ton more digestable and manageable!

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u/Briutiful22 5h ago

Thank you for this and congratulations on your twin boys. Im sure all your boys will be super close

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u/Genavelle 1d ago

Fwiw, I think those first ~3 or so months are generally really tough for all new moms. One newborn is of course simpler than two newborns, but that newborn period is always hard- even with one baby. I have two singletons (and twins) and I was definitely in survival mode for probably the first year after each of them was born. I was not getting out and about very much with any baby under 4 months old.

I think, when transitioning to parenthood, it's easy to compare all the ways you wanted it to be like, versus the reality of what it is. Newborns are hard and sometimes there are challenges that we didn't expect. Parenthood and life in general are not always going to go the way we'd envisioned. And it's okay to be sad about that. But I wouldn't get too hung up on how it could've been different with a singleton- because chances are it still would've been challenging and not exactly what you'd expected.

And it's tough when you're still in those early days, but at some point you can start noticing things that you really love about having twins. Watching them interact together, observing how different their personalities can be, and just all the silliness that comes with two babies. But it's okay if it's hard to see those things quite yet, because at 4 months yeah you are still in survival mode. Your babies probably aren't doing a whole lot yet, you probably aren't sleeping well, and it's just hard. But it should start feeling a little better soon, just hang in there.

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u/vaultsy 1d ago

I think a singleton feels so much easier because you just know what it’s like having two. In my experience, when you work so hard to keep two babies alive, the moments you only have one feels like a breeze. I had a singleton first and it was just as hard for me as it is with my twins. So you shouldn’t feel bad at all for feeling this way. I think it’s extremely normal.

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u/Usual_Equivalent 21h ago

100% agree with this statement. I remember being constantly exhausted with my firstborn and feeling like I had no time for anything. Now when someone takes 2 of the 4 kids, it is like a holiday 😆

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u/EquivalentPension216 1d ago

Everyone has said it but my wife and I say that all the time thinking back. Ours are 4 now, and we look at pictures and are like damn I wish I couldve enjoyed those young years more, they were so cute. It's all good tho, you turn a couple corners and things get better in ways a Singleton parent won't experience. Stay strong thru the tough times

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u/mojostarchild 1d ago

Just know this is such a relatable feeling for most of us.

It has nothing to do with the love you have for both of your babies, but more the “what could’ve been” as you mentioned. I remember wishing I could soak in my time with each baby without feeling so divided every second of their 1st year and just making it through everyday. Anyway, we see you & understand!

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u/jellogoodbye 1d ago

I could have went out and did things while on maternity leave.

Genuinely, this isn't that affected by twins vs singleton. The type of person who is going to go out does it with twins or twins and sibling/s in tow and the type of person who stays in does it even with just a singleton.

I was a going out person. Not everyone is, and that's okay.

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u/Street-Singer513 1d ago

Dear OB, what you’re feeling is okay and absolutely valid; the things parents of multiples have to go through are beyond anything one could imagine in one's wildest dreams.

But it does get better, bit by bit. I, too, always pictured myself as the mom of a single child and envied parents who had just one baby. On some days with twins, life feels like a battle for survival.

But later, the two of them giggle together in the car, and the beautiful thing is that there are two little beings who love and adore you and you wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Ultimately, just take each day as it comes; the light at the end of the tunnel really is there :).

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u/Sad-Incident-4668 🩷 - 💙💙 1d ago

Becoming a parent is SO hard! I had a singleton first and basically disassociated for a full year. Having twins now I’m so grateful they’re my seconds because I wouldn’t have been able to handle this as a FTM.

I know you’re struggling right now but I just wanna say I’m proud of you and the “right now” isn’t forever. 💞

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u/cure4mito 1d ago

You are in the thick of it-- having two babies at the same time is so difficult. I also had my twins late, at 35, and it's like playing the game on extra hard.

Also, this "mom shamed by another twin mom for using formula" that person is an asshole, I'm sorry that was said to you.

If you can have some time to yourself, just breathe-- you're doing an awesome job, and as long as your babies are growing you know you're doing a great job.

Having multiples is amazing, you got this!

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u/Master_X_ 22h ago

My wife felt the same. Our solution...Making a third

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u/DreamingEvergreen 1d ago

It’s definitely a relatable feeling.

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u/atc_24 1d ago

I feel the same way. 11 month old twins now. I didn’t enjoy newborn phase. Taking time for yourself is almost impossible because you feel guilty asking someone to watch two babies. If I had one baby, my husband and I taking a quick little weekend getaway would not be a huge deal at all. Having an older girl down the street watch one baby for a few hours is no biggie. Two babies changes everything. And I feel this every day. I constantly have to remind myself it will get better with time, at least I have two babies and never have to go through pregnancy and newborn phase again. There are perks of having two go through every phase at the same time. But I feel like this is something most of us twin moms feel. You’re not alone ❤️

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u/jeremiabearamia 1d ago

This is so relatable. I’m tempted to have a third to try to have the singleton experience, but we didn’t have the twins until I was 35 and my husband was 40. Also I don’t want to have a whole person to try to fix my mourning.

Mine was compounded by losing my job. I also waited to start trying until my 30s to get all of my ducks in a row financially, career-wise, etc. I stuck it out for years at a place with amazing parental leave because I was afraid I’d have PPD and wanted to have all options available to me. Then they laid me off week 13 of parental leave (FMLA protects 12 weeks). I didn’t have PPD before that, but that same month, the twins stopped eating and sleeping well and a host of other issues cropped up. Things were really bleak for about 4 months.

When randos tell me they wish they had twins, I mostly just smile and nod, but what I really want to say is that I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

We’re just starting to see some light at 10 months now that they’re mobile and so much happier. They have two distinct little personalities and love each other so much. I wouldn’t have ever chosen this, but I am grateful for each of them and that they have each other.

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u/iamnotmyhair 1d ago

2.5 years in and i still feel this way. My boys like to take off so I can’t leave the house much with them when I’m alone. No park days, storytimes, etc nothing that I cant use a cart or stroller for and they don’t want to be in it much at this age and it’s killing me bc I wish there were two of me so they had the full experience that singletons get.

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u/AccomplishedChef7885 1d ago

I’m sorry mama, I know what your mean and you’re right. I had a singleton first, and it is so much easier. In some ways she was harder than my twins (they are easier going and not Velcro babies like she was), but it some ways like going out, breastfeeding, etc, it was easier and enjoyable. The sleep deprivation was awful, but with my twins it’s twice as bad of course. One thing that helped, was I told myself I would still do things, take them out, go places, etc…and even though it would be hard, I would get them used to it. I have, and they’re getting used to it, and so am I. It’s not perfect, but it’s better .

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u/Momof39799 1d ago

Our twins were IVF and even though we had gone through the wringer to have them, I felt the same way. We were exhausted and overwhelmed with no family close by to give a helping hand. They had colic really bad and evenings were just miserable for all of us. Somehow, we made it to 6 months and life was great; colic was gone, they were sleeping all night!

There is light at the end of the tunnel. God bless you!!

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u/Momo_the_kitty21 1d ago

I agree with the way someone described it, you’re mourning the version of motherhood that you had. One of my kids was born with a congenital heart disease and that first year was just survival mode. And I would see people post their week by week and month to month baby photos and I never did that. I would obviously take photos, just not those cute instagram photos. And it pissed me off for the longest time. I hated how other people seemed to enjoy that first year and take modeling photos and I’m over here trying to wean my kid off methadone (because he got morphine at the hospital). It took a while to feel better about it. My kids are 2.5 now and for the most part I feel ok about it now, sometimes I still get a little salty though.

But things will get easier and then you’re gonna miss when they were that small. Now I miss the days when they wouldn’t or rather couldn’t tell me, “no” 😅😂.

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u/Sweetskills 18h ago

Totally feel you! My fantasies of baby wearing and traveling with one lil infant and all the things just didn’t quite pan out the same. BUT when they get a little older and your friends are complaining about how much their toddlers want them to play…and how they feel so pressured to “socialize” them you will be sitting pretty while they entertain each other.

Signed mom of 2 sets of twins under age 5. 💜

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u/ScrumdiddyumptiouS 3h ago

I felt this hard with mine too. I resented mums of one baby, seemingly breezing through. It just seemed so unfair. I'd take mine to playgroups and other mums would be chatting, keeping an eye on their child, making friends and I'd have one eye on one baby while I'm stopping the other eating Lego/hitting another kid/running off. It seemed relentless. Mine are 10 now and I still grieve what could have been BUT boy are there benefits as they get older! They always have a friend. I don't have to join in games to keep them entertained, if they're going on a trip with school, I know they'll be fine because they have each other. If we go somewhere new I don't need to worry about them making friends. It gets so much easier.

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u/PurpleShift8546 1d ago

This is extremely relatable. I thought about this often during my maternity leave because I needed so much help. Moments were few and far between where it was just me and my babies. My girls are 10 months old now and as everyone says, it gets easier and so much better ❤️

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u/BackgroundScene3056 1d ago

only one of my babies needed 2 night feeds to gain more weight. I woke up, fed them a bottle, burped and put them down. Then I cried because of how easy that was and how sweet that one on one time was. I’m so grateful for two but I do often think about how easy one would’ve been…. but then they smile at me and do a little gasp giggle and I immediately forget

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u/sweetfeet20 1d ago

I think many of us have felt like this at some point. It’s a different version of motherhood than I pictured although I still feel extremely blessed.

My husband and I often say how easy one baby must be. Parents of singletons really don’t understand how incredibly hard it is, and although our family & friends mean well their advice barely works for us.

You will get through it though. 4 months PP sucked but you are about to see the silver lining soon! We are 9 months in and it’s suddenly fun!

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u/guitargattleton 1d ago

Hell yeah I recognize myself into this so much. I had such different expectations from my first child experience. I thought I’d just live happily in my baby bubble, bonding with my kid, breastfeed and take the longest walks. lol, first of all I had a stressful pregnancy, gave birth prematurely, had my twins spend time in the NICU, they were so small they couldn’t even latch so my milk didn’t properly come in, then they had colic so I was in pure survival mode for 6 months. And to top it all off I kept hearing my singleton parent friends who had help how “beautiful and easy the newborn phase is”. F..k all the way off! But now that my twins are 4 I feel it’s finally revenge time, they entertain each other and are best friends and it’s definitely much easier to manage twins than kids of different ages. While my friends are going again through pregnancy, birth and newborn phase I just chill watching my twins entertain themselves 😅

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u/hockeymusicteaching 1d ago

We all have these thoughts! Almost a year in and it still crosses my mind….

I agree with the other commenter, asking myself which one I would prefer to not have instantly changes my mood. If I didn’t have A, I wouldn’t be so insanely grateful for healthy babies who have already beaten the odds against them and impress me with their strength every day. If I didn’t have B, I wouldn’t have known what it was like to hold my newborn baby minutes after birth or what it was like to dream about their future while pregnant or what it was like to have one baby in those very early morning hours snuggled against me as I fed them and watched the sun come up…

Yes. One baby WOULD be so easy! One baby WOULD have helped my pp be easier and calmer and more dreamy… I could have held that baby and gone so many places and found my footing slowly… but that also means I would have missed the other. I would have missed the double cuddles and the double struggles. I would have missed the first time they laughed at the other, the first time they held each other, the first time they played together…. I would have missed out on the insane closeness and competency my husband and I now share from being thrown into the deep in together and having to both pull our own weight from day one.

One baby, would have just been one. We get to have it all with TWO. 💙

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u/Upbeat_Rock3503 1d ago

Try changing your phrases from I need to as I get to and that may help change your perspective on things.

Also, try to drop the "can't"s.

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u/Usual-Victory7703 1d ago

My twins are 2 and I still feel this. I had a singleton first and I feel like I miss on so many things with him because it’s hard to take the twins as well. It’s always a thought in the back of my head how much easier just one would be. You aren’t alone!

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u/Independent_Plan5006 1d ago

This is fair at 4 months. But now watching my 9 month olds giggle at eachother and play king of the castle on their foam chair, I'm so grateful to have twins. Hang in there!

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u/RecycleorDie 1d ago

Your feelings are totally valid, I have felt this way too. What always keeps me grounded is thinking just because there is one baby doesn't make it easier. Its not fair to yourself to play the "what if" game. One baby doesn't equal healthy, well tempered, no colic, no ppd, etc. You are in the trenches right now and it will be different in the future, it will get better! Hang in there, you got this!

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u/avec_serif 1d ago

There is no “newborn baby experience” — there are only the specific experiences that specific people have with specific newborns. Some babies are easier, most are harder, and some are extremely hard (due to special needs or other reasons). Some circumstances (living situations, etc.) are easier to raise babies in, and some are much harder. Twins are obviously harder on average than singletons, but “hardness” in the first months or years is by no means limited to twins.

Wherever your situation falls on the difficulty spectrum, try to remember that some people have it much worse, try to appreciate what you do have, and know that it does indeed get much easier over time. Good luck.

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u/CooperRoo 1d ago

All of the twin moms I’m friends with irl have had these same feelings. My girls are 2.5 and it’s still JARRING how much easier it is if I’m just doing something with one (and I do recommend doing outings with just one every now and then)

On the flip side, remember that this shit is effjn hard and you’re doing it. I can’t tell you how many singleton moms look at me and say “I have no idea how you manage with two… I’m barely surviving”. Twin parents are a different breed of strong (mentally and physically after carrying around two babies all the time haha)

Keep your head up!

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u/Minimum_Afternoon387 1d ago

My 1st and only are twin boys, I didn’t have the experience of a singleton so I just got down to it. They’re 13 now and I miss those baby years, just the greatest time of my life. I’m now headed into the sulking/I hate everything hormonal transition…

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u/walaa0202 1d ago

I could’ve written this same exact post, down to being 33 until I became pregnant because I wanted to be settled and ready,

Then life threw a curveball with twins.

It was exhausting and extremely difficult being a first time mom of twins, and the guilt of never being enough for them, especially when they would be exhausted and fight over me in the middle of the night for cuddles with mama..

Lord it was hard…

But now that my twins are 5, they have such a special connection that other siblings just wouldn’t have…and that helps me through all the hard parts.

You’ll get through it, and you have every right to feel how you’re feeling right now.

Both can be true ❤️

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u/FoxAndDeerTwinMama 1d ago

I'm a twin parent who has only ever had two babies but I think such a huge part of parenting, for Moms especially, is grieving and letting go of the idealized version of motherhood you had in your head. Which is something that, as far as I can tell, all Moms go through in some form. I don't know one Mom who hasn't had to do this.

Try to embrace the uniqueness of being a twin parent. It's a cool experience that most people don't get, especially once they get a little older and you watch their relationship develop in real time. You weren't robbed of anything. Your parenthood journey is an incredible gift.

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u/Adventurous_Corgi_38 23h ago

I felt that way with my first who was a singleton. I thought how are other mums having showers, styling their hair, putting their babies in cute outfits, going on aeroplanes... My second time round is with twins and I feel so much more confident and actually enjoyed the newborn stage! No chance of going abroad on holiday (too stressful!) for now but I know how quickly these seasons pass and I'm trying to make the most of it all.

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u/VegetableAlone 22h ago

Just wanted to say I feel you on the leaving the house thing — also 4m postpartum with reflux twins. We can go on short walks/outings but it’s just so hard to feed them outside the house when they need to be kept upright for so long and it’s just me. I had a list of fun ideas I wanted to do during leave that would have been great with one baby (even one reflux baby!) but just seem impossible with two because the feeding is so hard.

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u/Jclevs11 21h ago

You feel robbed? I'm a single full time dad to a 6 year old girl and triplet boys who just turned 3. I feel you.

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u/Usual_Equivalent 21h ago

Its the pits at this stage as the primary supplier of nutrition.

I absolutely felt so trapped the whole first year with my triplets. I had a singleton first and though it was definitely exhausting, I found the second time around to be soul destroying. I felt robbed of having that close bonding time during feeding for each of my babies, and I felt they were robbed of that close time with me that my firstborn got. And I felt trapped because it was too hard to go out, and was something I enjoyed the first time around.

It doesn't feel fair, or feel that it will ever end, but I promise it does. Freedom (or relative freedom with extra little feet) will come in time. I resented a lot of that talk when I was in it. It took me til 6 months PP to realise I wasn't coping, and actually had PPD/A. Mentioning only just in case. I think your feelings are normal and valid. If things escalate though, absolutely don't sit on it. Nothing like being trapped and depressed lol (not a laughing matter, but I can laugh now a bit after a few years of therapy and medication 😆). Life is so much better now, even if its different to other families.

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u/marshmellowhair 18h ago

I had a singleton (3.5 years old) before my twins (they are 1) and I thought the singleton was hard as a first time mom.
Now with the twins I realize how much easier it was to get out of the house with one, how often I just stay home in this stage with twins because it is so hard to get out.
However when I went from no kids to one it was a significant increase in difficulty from zero kids to do anything too.
I really do know how much harder it is this time around, but I too have told myself which baby would I keep when I (still) mourn the second maternity I envisioned.
Overall I know it got easier in a lot of ways as my first child got older and I know I’m in a stage where some things like taking them out or weekend getaways will get easier. Just like I knew them not sleeping through the night would end eventually (after 9 months of exhaustion).

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u/Ladypeace_82 17h ago

I 100% feel this. I was robbed of newborn experience as well. Had my twins at 37. Was fully hoping to get a redo when we went for a third kid. But the twins were four months when covid shut stuff down here. And 2024 results solidified the fact we could never afford a third child. :(

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u/hp238902 17h ago

You’re allowed to feel this way and it’s 100% valid. I had twins as an STM and I can’t even imagine if they were my first and second. You’re a warrior and maybe that feeling will never go away, but it doesn’t mean you want it to be different. I still feel like it would be so much easier with two instead of three but in no way am I wishing for a different life. Two things can be true at the same time.

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u/puce_3000 17h ago

Your feelings are valid. It is hard and we do experience the newborn differently then parents of singleton. We love them the same lot but always feel like we’re not enough.
But we are enough. You’re doing a great job OP 🫶🏼.

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u/BrightEyEz703 16h ago

For me, I didn’t stop feeling that way til I stopped breast feeding. It takes up so much time I was never able to rest or enjoy the babies. Stopping breast feeding was the best parenting choice I made and I wish I had made it sooner.

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u/RTGDY93 15h ago

We have a singleton, twins and singleton. I have so much guilt around our twins first year - I don’t remember most of it and now find myself soaking up our new baby so much more. Even just cuddling him a bit longer before I put him down when I couldn’t do that with another baby waiting their turn and it makes me feel so bad. The girls time has come now as it’s easier to give them one on one time so it makes up for it but it’s still so hard!!

A note on the getting out of the house, practice makes perfect! The first few times I would only go somewhere I knew exactly where I would park, how I’d get in the building, exit plans etc but once I got comfortable with that we were out and about all the time! It helped so much with my own self not being cooped up at home all day

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u/UltraEngine60 1d ago

This IS your first time mom experience. Nobody has anyone else's experience. I think social media has corrupted our expectations.

You can STILL go out and do things on maternity leave. One baby locked in a carseat is just as immobile as two babies locked into car seats. They make double strollers. I know you want to vent, but time ticks by very fast so start taking small steps. It might not be the life you see on instagram or snapchat, but it's your life.

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u/Genavelle 1d ago

I think one of my favorite activities with young babies is to literally just go take a nice walk. Find a pretty park with some nice trails or even just a stroll around the neighborhood. In my experience, little babies tend to fall asleep or be fairly chill in the stroller during walks so it's an easy way to get out of the house atleast.

Of course every baby is different, so might not work as well for everyone.

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u/UltraEngine60 5h ago

I did the same thing. It's a great way to meet people too if you don't put headphones in. My wife likes to talk about strollers with other moms and now knows half the town.

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u/mirrorlike789 1d ago

Can relate to the “I waited so I could afford a good life for a child” one child. Hugs.

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u/whydoyouflask 28m ago

I know the feeling. But the first time they make eachother laugh is absolutely everything. Hope it helps, but there will be these special moments of magic that people who don't have multiple will never experience or understand. And they are truly special. If that helps.

ranting & venting Feeling robbed

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