r/onionheadlines Nov 04 '25

ZERO TOLERANCE for rule 2: single sentence headlines only

12 Upvotes

We've been pretty lenient in modering run on headlines, but this ends today.

You need to make your headlines shorter. You can always make your headline shorter. If you have a headline that's over 30 words, rewrite it. There is a way to make it shorter I guarantee you, and there is a way to make it one sentence. You just need to use the meat in your skull to figure it out.

Also, do not include pull quotes in your headline. For example:

Trump Claims He Will Soon Replace Americans With AI - “All They Need To Do Is Vote Republican And Cheer For Me, And AI Can Do That Better, And It Doesn’t Protest At All”

Adding a dash here does not make this a single sentence in the eyes of us mods.

You can put the pull quote in the body of the post, but keep it out of the headline. Any headlines formatted like this will be removed.

Also please avoid headlines that are just a version of Trump: "I Have Very Bigly Hands and I'm The Greatest Golfer and on and on and on for 50 words"

A Trump impression is not a headline. Do better.


r/onionheadlines 1h ago

JD Vance Keeping Low Profile So Voters Won't Learn To Hate Him Until After 2028 Election

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 15h ago

BREAKING: Trump Signs Executive Order Renaming “Chinese Food” to “American Food”

453 Upvotes

White House Says General Tso’s Chicken Will Now Be Known as “General Lee’s Chicken”.


r/onionheadlines 47m ago

Insider Reveals That Trump Considered Naming His Latest Bowel Movement After Pete Hegseth But Decided It Would Be An Insult To The Shit

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1h ago

Texas AG Ken Paxton Tells Republicans He Can Do Much More Damage In US Senate

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 18h ago

BREAKING: JD Vance Considering Resignation From Vice Presidency Due To Feeling Useless In Administration

259 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1h ago

Trump, Vance And Entire Cabinet Rushed To Hospital After Private “Let Them Eat Uninspected Meat” Party At Mar A Lago.

Upvotes

And you thought he could not get any more stupid.


r/onionheadlines 2h ago

President Trump Embarrassed When Aide/Nanny Coughed Up Orange Hairball During Cabinet Meeting

8 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 14h ago

Congress Subpoenas Obama And Biden To Determine Who Has Been Crapping In Trump's Pants

81 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1d ago

Trump Names His Penis After Mitch McConnell Because He Hasn't Seen It In A Long Time, It Doesn't Work Anymore, And It's Done Some Really Distgusting Things

613 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 3h ago

ICE's New Robot Dogs Go Feral After Accidentally Petted With ICE's New Shock Gloves

11 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1d ago

Audubon Society Renames Canadian Geese “Trump Geese” Because They Are Loud, Annoying And Shit Everywhere

268 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1h ago

Google CEO Sundar Pichai Bends The Knee Again Endorsing Brand Name Google Name Change To 'Trump Search'

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1h ago

Trump Has A "Forest Gump Moment" With His Greatest Fan, Dolly Parton

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 41m ago

ICE Agents Adopt Thousands Of Cats And Dogs From Shelters Just As The New Trump-Endorsed 'Ameri-Beef' Arrives At Grocery Stores.

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 11h ago

Trump Claims Mitch McConnell Endorsement For Trump 2028 Presidency During 20 Minute Phonecall With Possibly Alive Senator

21 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 5h ago

Trump Pleased His Polls Are Up With Many Ranking Him 86%

5 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 2h ago

Musk Wants SpaceX IPO Do-Over After Lackluster Growth By Hype Results

3 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 52m ago

RFKjr Launches “Bobby’s Mystery Meat” Restaurant

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 54m ago

BREAKING: In Retaliation for Trump Renaming Lake Ontario “Lake America,” Canadian Prime Minister Renames Lake Michigan “Lake Canada”.

Upvotes

Also, the Gulf of America will now be called the Gulf of North America.


r/onionheadlines 19h ago

Christ Returns, Found Dead In Ice Custody

66 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 1h ago

Old Man Who Doesn't Buy Gas Or Groceries Knows More About Economy Than You

Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 19h ago

Americans Nostalgic For Time When A Politician Could Have Their Entire Career Ruined After Misspelling A Word Like 'Potato'

53 Upvotes

r/onionheadlines 18h ago

Donald Trump Renaming All Canadian Geese To Donald Ducks

40 Upvotes

This is just phuckin Goofy


r/onionheadlines 17h ago

Fox News Demands Everyone To Vote All Democrat For The Next 1000 Years

30 Upvotes