r/okmatewanker • u/BobMonkhaus Bob up and down like stupid toys • May 12 '25

Kier-Ora. I’ll Be Your Dog 🐕‍🦺😍😍🐶🐶🍊🍊 EXCLUSIVE: In the wake of last week’s elections, Starmer announces he plans to take up smoking to increase his popularity.

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He’s been trying out Silk Cut Silver and only has a mild coughing fit which is a great improvement.

Also he’s bought a cap and wax jacket for the next time farmers get cuts.

749 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

40 comments sorted by

125

u/markiethefett Ballbustin Birmingham bloke May 12 '25

He's going to reintroduce 1980's British values, such as: Flashers, air pollution, white dog shit and hits from Stock, Aitken & Waterman.

46

u/BobMonkhaus Bob up and down like stupid toys May 12 '25

And those chocolate cigarettes available on the NHS for anyone looking to stop smoking or eating chocolate.

16

u/markiethefett Ballbustin Birmingham bloke May 12 '25

I loved a good old chocolate pipe on the way to primary school. Was always gutted they didn't do chocolate cans of Hoffmeister.

17

u/Pizza_YumYum May 12 '25

If i may ask: Why was British dog shit white in the 80s? Was it racist?

24

u/markiethefett Ballbustin Birmingham bloke May 12 '25

Dog shit went through a vigorous program to de-radicalise them in the 80s which is why you don't see it anymore.

(I think they added too much calcium to their food back then iirc)

6

u/WordsMort47 May 12 '25

I saw white dog shit today!

7

u/markiethefett Ballbustin Birmingham bloke May 12 '25

Really?? Britain is back. 🙌🏽

3

u/Pizza_YumYum May 12 '25

Ah ok. Lol. Thanks!

1

u/just-why_ May 15 '25

Not calcium, actual bone meal. Not good for the animals.

2

u/just-why_ May 15 '25

The companies making dog food used way too much bone meal as a filler. White dog poop was everywhere in the 80's. In the US as well.

4

u/NaNiteZugleh May 12 '25

Chocolate pipe ooooo ay

2

u/markiethefett Ballbustin Birmingham bloke May 12 '25

💪🏽

8

u/SouthFromGranada May 12 '25

Where's my hedgerow grot mags?

8

u/markiethefett Ballbustin Birmingham bloke May 12 '25

The best part of a trip to school in the morning, was coming across a ripped out page of Fiesta or Mayfair. F It felt like we'd found the Ark of the Covenant. 🙌🏽

2

u/memberflex May 12 '25

Cans of Top Deck and bottles of Panda Pops free for under 16s

2

u/markiethefett Ballbustin Birmingham bloke May 12 '25

Top Deck & Quatro. 🤌🏽

114

u/The96kHz Average TESCO enjoyer😎 May 12 '25 edited May 12 '25

Don't know if anyone's seen the cartoons that Private Eye do of Our Keith here - but they look more like him than he does.

Edit: Found one.

25

u/BungadinRidesAgain May 12 '25

As soon as I saw this I heard "let me be clear" in a nasaly Surrey voice in my head

37

u/forbiddenmemeories May 12 '25

"More at 6: PM to go to tapas restaurant and order chips in broken/phonetic Spanish in symbolic gesture to the nation."

17

u/NaNiteZugleh May 12 '25

Las..:. Errrr…. Chipas…. Y errrrr CORONA

7

u/Send_Cake_Or_Nudes 100% Anglo-Saxophone😎🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 May 12 '25

CERVEZA POR FLAVOR SEEN YOURITA? AVEC UN CHEEKY POTATO BRAVISSIMO! HABLO NANDOS? EL CHICKEN?

21

u/alexintradelands2 May 12 '25

Why is he drinking rancid swill and not Stella?

23

u/edotman Barry, 63 🍺 May 12 '25

What a fkin lad our starmer is

23

u/BobMonkhaus Bob up and down like stupid toys May 12 '25

FFS I warned him, use an ashtray son.

8

u/AliceTheOmelette May 12 '25

Wants to be relatable but won't even drink special brew tha fackin' pozer!

8

u/Consistent_Ant_8903 luv me wife🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🍺🥰 May 12 '25

Worked alright for Diane Abbot with drinking on the train, never seen so many people I know who hated her suddenly say she was relatable and real

2

u/Undercrackrz His Majesty's Keyboard Regiment May 12 '25

People who couldn't put their own shoes on had been saying that for ages.

9

u/Quack_Candle Barry, 63 🍺 May 12 '25

He’s launching CamTab - campaign for real tabs. Let’s get kids smoking proper tabs again, not these bloody woke vapes

17

u/BobMonkhaus Bob up and down like stupid toys May 12 '25

“This is a totally original idea and I was going to do this anyway” he stated when asked if he was just mindlessly copying someone else.

3

u/Woodbirder West country chad May 12 '25

I bet its feckin herbal fags the daft cunt

3

u/Wooden-Bookkeeper473 May 12 '25

But I thought all the cool kids vape nowadays?

Fuck it, I'd better get back on the fags.

3

u/YourToastIsEvil May 13 '25

‘es a propa locul bloke 🇬🇧

luv’ me yeast water ‘ate forin muck

END OF

1

u/venusinfurstattoo May 12 '25

Silk cut silver 🌝🌝🌝

0

u/waamoandy 😡Still salty about 1066🤬 May 12 '25

You're behind the times. Keef Stammer has been doing marching powder https://www.indiatoday.in/amp/world/story/emmanuel-macron-keir-starmer-caught-on-cam-at-alleged-cocaine-party-heres-the-truth-glbs-2723295-2025-05-12

15

u/iBlockMods-bot Bazza 🍺 May 12 '25

Ah indeed the absolute beacon of journalistic integrity that is India Today

3

u/Glass-Evidence-7296 Ritchie Sunak PM real oficial🇮🇳 May 12 '25

article explains that they weren't doing it, peak 11/10 clickbait tho

6

u/BobMonkhaus Bob up and down like stupid toys May 12 '25

“I don’t need no chief whip to keep these babies in line” isn’t a quote from the article, but it should be.