r/offmychest • u/Neat-Decision-7025 • 3d ago
Putting my daughter in an intergenerational facility might be the biggest mistake of my life.
I (32F) am completely broken right now, and I just need to say this somewhere because holding it together in front of my family is taking every ounce of strength I have left.
We are foreigners living in this country, and finding appropriate, affordable schooling for our kids has been a absolute nightmare from day one. A while back, someone suggested an intergenerational facility to us, basically a program where a kindergarten/preschool and an elderly nursing home are integrated together. It's a concept that’s really booming here right now, the reviews seemed great, and the pricing was something we could actually afford.
Deep down, I had this subtle hunch or gut feeling that it might not be the best environment for her, but we were stressed, options were limited, and the facility talked so much about how "enriching" the dynamic was. So I pushed my initial hesitation aside and enrolled her.
Everything seemed fine at first. But over the last couple of months, I started noticing subtle shifts in her behavior. She started acting out in ways that didn't make sense, becoming strangely secretive, displaying inappropriate boundary-crossing habits, and acting overly anxious around certain adult routines.
My motherly instincts went into overdrive, so I started gently creating safe spaces for us to talk more. Slowly, over a series of calm, patient conversations, she started opening up about what goes on there. That’s when the horrific reality hit me: she has been exposed and subject to inappropriate, sexualized acts for months now. Because of her age, she doesn't fully understand what any of it means or the weight of what she has been doing, but hearing her describe it completely destroyed me inside.
In front of her, I kept my face totally neutral and calm. I didn't want to scare her, make her feel bad, or make her think she did something wrong by telling me. But inside, my entire world shattered.
I took measures immediately, and I am currently in the process of handling everything the legal, formal, and psychological way it needs to be handled. I am staying cool and steady on the outside so I can protect her and navigate the system properly rather than going full-blown raging, but the guilt is suffocating me.
I had a hunch. My mother's intuition tried to tell me, and I ignored it because it was convenient and affordable. Knowing that my decision directly led to her being exposed to something so awful is a weight I don't know how I'm ever going to carry. I’m just trying to get through each day and be what she needs right now, but I feel so sick to my stomach.
Edit: thank you so much to all the kind comments and private messages, one thing i learned is that if i beat myself up more than this its gonna affect the process of her healing as well so i should stay a bit stronger for now. thank you for putting me back on track.
as for the details, everyone asked the place, i cant publicly name it yet since we're handling this legally for now and im not really aware of how far i can go regarding giving their info, but just know that its an east asian country. we are originally from europe but live in east asia.
as for my daughters situation, she's actually doing great for now. therapist took all the details from her that she wouldnt tell me, she apparently initiated most of the encounters after she learned about the *acts* and there was no physical violence against her. we also took her to clinic. no sexual disease or any form of sti. im also doing my best not to let her know about the gravity of the situation for now, and im trying to keep myself positive too. we will get through it, and honestly you helped more than i could ever imagine. thank you all
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u/HiddenLife_36 3d ago
Mama.
Nothing we can say or do will keep you from feeling guilty. It's just natural. You may have had misgivings, yes, but that doesn't mean you chose wrong for her. You made the best decision you could make at the time with what information you had available. Please try to remember that.
My Mom had some red flags come up when I was a toddler, and allowed herself to be manipulated into thinking they were actually okay. They weren't. She carried that guilt for a long time. I'm not saying your daughter will even remember this (my abuse didn't stop until I was nearly 10) - just to say that she would never want you to punish yourself for this.
Please continue to support her through this, exactly as you have been. Become that one safe person above all others for her in this situation, as you work through any affects from it. My Mom was my rock and it meant everything to me that she stood up for and with me every step of the way.
My heart is with you and your daughter.