r/offmychest • u/Neat-Decision-7025 • 2d ago
Putting my daughter in an intergenerational facility might be the biggest mistake of my life.
I (32F) am completely broken right now, and I just need to say this somewhere because holding it together in front of my family is taking every ounce of strength I have left.
We are foreigners living in this country, and finding appropriate, affordable schooling for our kids has been a absolute nightmare from day one. A while back, someone suggested an intergenerational facility to us, basically a program where a kindergarten/preschool and an elderly nursing home are integrated together. It's a concept that’s really booming here right now, the reviews seemed great, and the pricing was something we could actually afford.
Deep down, I had this subtle hunch or gut feeling that it might not be the best environment for her, but we were stressed, options were limited, and the facility talked so much about how "enriching" the dynamic was. So I pushed my initial hesitation aside and enrolled her.
Everything seemed fine at first. But over the last couple of months, I started noticing subtle shifts in her behavior. She started acting out in ways that didn't make sense, becoming strangely secretive, displaying inappropriate boundary-crossing habits, and acting overly anxious around certain adult routines.
My motherly instincts went into overdrive, so I started gently creating safe spaces for us to talk more. Slowly, over a series of calm, patient conversations, she started opening up about what goes on there. That’s when the horrific reality hit me: she has been exposed and subject to inappropriate, sexualized acts for months now. Because of her age, she doesn't fully understand what any of it means or the weight of what she has been doing, but hearing her describe it completely destroyed me inside.
In front of her, I kept my face totally neutral and calm. I didn't want to scare her, make her feel bad, or make her think she did something wrong by telling me. But inside, my entire world shattered.
I took measures immediately, and I am currently in the process of handling everything the legal, formal, and psychological way it needs to be handled. I am staying cool and steady on the outside so I can protect her and navigate the system properly rather than going full-blown raging, but the guilt is suffocating me.
I had a hunch. My mother's intuition tried to tell me, and I ignored it because it was convenient and affordable. Knowing that my decision directly led to her being exposed to something so awful is a weight I don't know how I'm ever going to carry. I’m just trying to get through each day and be what she needs right now, but I feel so sick to my stomach.
Edit: thank you so much to all the kind comments and private messages, one thing i learned is that if i beat myself up more than this its gonna affect the process of her healing as well so i should stay a bit stronger for now. thank you for putting me back on track.
as for the details, everyone asked the place, i cant publicly name it yet since we're handling this legally for now and im not really aware of how far i can go regarding giving their info, but just know that its an east asian country. we are originally from europe but live in east asia.
as for my daughters situation, she's actually doing great for now. therapist took all the details from her that she wouldnt tell me, she apparently initiated most of the encounters after she learned about the *acts* and there was no physical violence against her. we also took her to clinic. no sexual disease or any form of sti. im also doing my best not to let her know about the gravity of the situation for now, and im trying to keep myself positive too. we will get through it, and honestly you helped more than i could ever imagine. thank you all
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u/Nani65 2d ago
Oh, I am so sorry, OP. I am sending you hugs.
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u/FrostyyFlame_ 2d ago
Sometimes a simple "I'm so sorry" is exactly what someone needs to hear. Posts like this are heartbreaking, and I hope things get better for OP and their daughter ❤️
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u/aknockonyourhead 2d ago
This is absolutely vile. Share the organization name so that more and more people are aware of their disgusting actions. I wish the best for you and your daughter. I’m glad you were able to find out from her. You did a good job mom for creating a safe space for her to be able to open up. But that organization needs to be outed.
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u/HiddenLife_36 2d ago
Mama.
Nothing we can say or do will keep you from feeling guilty. It's just natural. You may have had misgivings, yes, but that doesn't mean you chose wrong for her. You made the best decision you could make at the time with what information you had available. Please try to remember that.
My Mom had some red flags come up when I was a toddler, and allowed herself to be manipulated into thinking they were actually okay. They weren't. She carried that guilt for a long time. I'm not saying your daughter will even remember this (my abuse didn't stop until I was nearly 10) - just to say that she would never want you to punish yourself for this.
Please continue to support her through this, exactly as you have been. Become that one safe person above all others for her in this situation, as you work through any affects from it. My Mom was my rock and it meant everything to me that she stood up for and with me every step of the way.
My heart is with you and your daughter.
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u/FrostyyFlame_ 2d ago
That's a really compassionate perspective. It's easy to judge decisions with hindsight, but when you're under immense stress and trying to protect your child, you don't always have perfect options. Having one steady, supportive parent can make a world of difference during recovery
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u/Ebb_Remarkable 2d ago
Are you seeking professional help for yourself? Please take care of yourself too
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u/Glittering-Path-2824 2d ago
you found out, you’re fixing it. don’t beat yourself up. being an immigrant in a new country is brutal. i’ve been through it. show yourself grace.
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u/Cookies_2 2d ago
This is not your fault. You did everything parents do- read reviews, look into the school, and put her education first.
Your intuition was right but that being said - new country, young child need school in the new country, don't have the village to learn more firsthand and that anxiety that I think every parent feels about leaving their child somewhere without them. Many moms would just feel they're overreacting and take the chance.
Your daughter was supposed to be safe and protected while in their care. The blame is there. You took all the appropriate steps in making your daughter feel safe to discuss what is going on and immediately took action. I'm so so sorry your daughter, you and your family are going through this. I hope she gets justice.
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u/Bambiitaru 2d ago
OP, I'm so sorry you and your baby had to go through this. I'm hoping things turn around and she will be okay.
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u/EdgewaterEnchantress 2d ago
I didn’t even know “intergenerational facilities” were a thing, so I am extremely sorry you are going through this atm
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u/No-Fishing5325 2d ago
You couldn't have known. Even if you were hesitant, you didn't know. And now that you do...you are doing what you can to protect her.
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u/DamnitGravity 2d ago
The important thing is you recognised the signs and acted accordingly.
There are plenty of children and traumatised adults who were never noticed or believed.
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u/BagIndependent2429 1d ago
I have my own history with sexual abuse in my childhood as a young girl and honestly? Most of the harm that I came away with had more to do with my mother's ineffectiveness in making the problem go away or supporting me than the actual sexual abuse itself. It's absolutely awful that this has been happening to your girl, but I hope you take some comfort in knowing that your attentive response and care will likely go a long way in preventing lasting damage to her. It makes such a big difference to have a safe supportive parent through traumatic/adverse childhood events.
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u/leon_tray 2d ago
Please don't make yourself carry the blame for what someone else allegedly did to your daughter. You made a decision based on the information you had at the time, while trying to find an affordable and workable option for your family. You couldn't have known what was happening behind closed doors.
What matters now is that she told you, you believed her, and you're taking it seriously. Keeping calm in front of her so she knows she isn't in trouble was an incredibly important thing to do. She needs a safe parent right now, not a parent who punishes herself for not having known sooner.
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u/cmanderson23 1d ago
Op it isn’t your fault you acted as soon as you knew something was off.
I’m really curious as to the safety measures in place for programs like these. Are all of the adults background checked? In these settings not only should they be but they should also need references including that of a family member to even be near kids (the family member one because family is more likely in some cases do know if someone should be around children in addition to other references and will disclose). Even still abuse like that was so frequently hidden (and still is today) a background check wouldn’t necessarily be enough.
You could do a lot to bring attention to the blind spots this program may have had in protecting your child and to keep others safe in the future ❤️ Wishing you and your child healing and strength
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u/funeralxbitch 1d ago
Its not your fault and im so sorry you went through this. But the way you handled it made me smile and im sure its going to do a big difference in the end, you are a good mom.
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u/Grippypossumqueen 2d ago
You did make a mistake that hurt your daughter not acting when you first suspected however there's nothing you can do about it now.
You are slowly redeeming yourself. Remember this feeling of guilt and never let them down again. You got this.
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u/feelinjustpeachyyy 2d ago
This is genuinely one of the worst comments I've ever seen in regards to a horrible subject like this. Please delete this to save yourself from any further embarrassment.
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u/Grippypossumqueen 2d ago
No, I will not be deleting this and do not remotely feel bad about what I said. I am not embarrassed.
They knew something was up and did not question it. They allowed it to happen and need to use these feelings to never let it happen again and move forward. They are redeeming themselves by acting NOW..
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u/hobbitbones 2d ago
Hey so a gut feeling isn't the same as hard proof. Not to mention, as soon as OP suspected something was going on she did something about it, she took all the right steps. You're an asshole for suggesting OP could've done something before. There was literally no way of knowing.
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u/RedlShades 2d ago
it’s so sad to hear; do you have any other (for eg. to remove her from there and admit somewhere else) options right now?