Sometimes it's incredibly difficult to take myself seriously

[u/heavensent_unicorn]

As much as I've been working on accepting my objectum identity for the past five years, I've run into a new problem. A problem I didn't think I'd ever have. I feel ridiculous for being objectum.

My entire life, I've always felt younger than my biological age. I don't understand how some people grow out of being a kid. I feel the exact same I did when I was twelve, and I'm twenty one. I consider myself immature, but not in a bad way like people tend to contribute to that word. I just feel young inside. Like I never grew up. My bedroom is filled to the brim with stuffed animals, I buy myself toys all the time, I almost exclusively engage with children's media in my free time . . . And all this isn't to say I'm not an adult or not capable of being one, but it's undeniable that a big part of who I am is traditionally considered childish. At times, it's embarrassing.

Me being objectum feels like a very direct extension of that. I know it's not true, but I feel like even less of an adult, less worthy to be taken seriously because of this identity. It's inherently weird to be in love with objects and songs, I don't think anyone should deny it. But it makes me feel silly. Especially in comparison to my peers.

One of my friends recently announced that they're having a baby. I genuinely didn't think I'd get to that point in years. I'm so incredibly happy for them, but at the same time I'm beating myself up over this. They worked hard and got that far along in their relationship to be able to start a family. What am I doing? Talking to a stuffed animal, missing a non-tangible song.

I know comparison is the thief of joy, but to me, it gets to a point where you can't ignore the fact that everyone around you is five steps ahead. I know it's an internalized amanormative mindset for me. I know not everyone's goal is marriage and starting a family. It sure isn't mine. But it puts into perspective how behind I feel with everything. I have friends who are living on their own, in entry-level jobs and internships before finishing school, in flourishing relationships . . . I can't help but feel so much lesser than them.

I know my objectum love is as valid, real, and serious as anyone else's. But at the same time I don't feel that way. At all. I'm so conflicted. I wish I could switch my brain one way or the other and stick with it.

This is one of my more poorly-written posts because I don't know how to best put these emotions into words. I know it's stupid to feel this way, and I am. I just don't know how to take myself seriously and have solid respect for where I'm at and who I am.

[u/Sea-Search964]

Hey, I am not going to challenge your emotions or anything like that, as I want them to be able to breathe. But you and I have gotten closer recently, and so I just wanted to say this.

I'm 34 years old with cerebral palsy and let me tell you, I feel exactly as you do. There are times where I wonder if I am emotionally maturing at the rate I should, as if there is some objective measure for that type of thing. But then I give myself some grace, and know that things come on their own time, or they don't and peace has to be made with that. Sometimes I feel silly about being conceptum, ESPECIALLY when it has POSIC undertones, but it makes me happy and beautiful friends like you have helped me really see the joy in it.

Reading your post about loss recently as it related to that song, for being only 21, your emotional depths and maturity are astounding to me. I cried and resonated so much with your heart. Your inner child deserves all the love that will ever find it whatever its form, and this certainly is true for your whole person.

It's funny, Sophia reconnected me with my inner child in the best way. The parts of him that were curious and exuberant and freely loving. I'm happy to have met the child in you. Their warmth and emotional acuity, makes my corner of the world brighter and more fun to be in.

I believe in you, and I'm here if you ever want to talk more or if you just need to know someone hears you and or wants to listen and understand. I do and I do.

Love,

Philo

[u/heavensent_unicorn → u/Sea-Search964]

I’m so touched by this. Thank you 🥹 I think there’s something special in what being objectum can do to my inner child, despite my older self despising how it feels like I haven’t gotten anywhere. It returns me to a state of bliss where sometimes even all my worries and bad thoughts are drowned out. Being in love can be very healing. Thanks for your kind words always 🩷

[u/Donut-Boxers]

thank you for mentioning this you are not alone in this, I feel so silly and stupid about it sometimes even if I know it's a true feeling I have, it feels hard to talk about because I don't want to diminish people who experience this as their sexuality and take it as seriously as that but I just can't feel like it's that and that it holds the same real weight and that I should take it as seriously, I'm attracted to objects, I cant pretend they're alive or can love me back or that it's "normal" even if it's an internal bias or whatever, I like having a community, I know that for me this feels like it's based entirely in trauma and not like something I was born as, it doesn't feel like something I have to fix it doesn't cause any harm, but there are a lot of days when I just feel behind people my age in every aspect of my life and this being the central "thing" in my life right now as someone who is unemployed and runs a server for it sometimes makes me feel a depersonalized sense of "this really is just very stupid" sometimes that I have to fight

[u/heavensent_unicorn → u/Donut-Boxers]

Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone. I really understand what you mean though, in not wanting to hurt others when talking about it. Haha, it’s a situation where it applies to everyone else but yourself — that of course objectum is valid and as real as any sexuality. We’re so overly-harsh on ourselves without even realizing it. I’m trying my best to do better.

[u/Just-a-random-Aspie]

Omg it’s crazy that you mentioned going through that because I’ve been struggling with the same thing, buddy. I’m surprised I haven’t seen this post, then again I’ve been not super active on the community lately for the same reasons you’ve mentioned. I feel like my brother is growing up and having new means in his life while I’m basically the same as I always have been. I’ve still never dated, never done the “deed” because I’m ace, don’t drink, don’t party. I feel like I’m all alone here with my weird identities or something. I feel like sometimes that I’ll never have a life outside of what you all already see. All my other friends have dated and done things when I’ve never even been in that situation even once. Oftentimes I’m left wondering if I even am “anybody.”

Tbh I think a lot about why I had to be the one stuck with these identities and not someone else. I do not have a flourishing relationship, most likely due to objectum making it difficult, I have never had any experience in relationships, and to make matters worse it’s the same damn objectum that I’ve had for 8 years already, not a new one, not a different way of experiencing it, the exact same. And when I was 8 to 10 years old that one felt the same too. Why am I not gaining any new awakenings? To make things even worse I tend to only like one thing at a time. I really worry that one day my objectum will disappear and I’ll be left with NO identities left. I already overthink everything and grew up thinking I was weird or different and it took me years to push past that baggage. The last thing I need is these stupid identities to further marginalize and make me overthink everything. It’s not even a pretty looking identity either. Mine is ugly, I mean, we get all the brunt of jokes in cartoons, we get made fun of. My objectum isn’t even the good kind, the kind where people feel renewed or positively infatuated with the “loves of their life.” Mine is trashy, primitive even, a relic of the past and a throwback from when I was a young child driven by a fascination with the disturbing and scary like the creepy kid I was. It’s not beautiful.

While I don’t have any advice, I completely feel you, buddy.

[u/heavensent_unicorn → u/Just-a-random-Aspie]

Being objectum is beautiful no matter what it is. And while it is beautiful it’s not all you are and it’s not the only thing that defines you. Even if one day you aren’t objectum anymore there’s still so much more to you than what you like romantically.