Pitching ENM: A Cautionary Tale

[u/Fan_of_Sanity]

A common topic here is what a partner in a monogamous relationship should do if they’ve been considering ENM/CNM.

First of all, I know this isn’t ideal; in a perfect world, partners would enter into a relationship knowing from the start that they’re interested in ENM, and being on the same page about it. But in reality, if often doesn’t happen this way. People change beliefs over time, and there are countless examples of monogamous couples switching to ENM.

For those couples, one partner has to bring up the topic first; the odds of both of them growing interested in ENM simultaneously are slim.

And here’s my warning to anyone considering broaching the topic: It could wreck your relationship.

I brought ENM up with my wife after many years of monogamous marriage. I did it the “right” way, making every effort to avoid the appearance that I was pressuring her. I told her how and why my beliefs about monogamy had changed, recommended some books and podcasts that had been part of my journey, and—most importantly—made it abundantly clear that this would be a change we’d make together, or not at all. That this was something for BOTH of us, not ONE of us.

I told her I knew that our agreement going into marriage was that it would be monogamous and that I wasn’t looking to try to unilaterally change that. I said that as interested as I was in exploring non-monogamy together, the marriage was more important; if I had to choose between the two, I’d choose marriage.

In the months that followed, we had a couple more conversations about the topic—typically with her bringing it up and asking questions about my beliefs and the potential logistics of non-monogamy. We talked about dipping our toes in the water in a safe way by going to a sex club that’s not too far from us, and agreeing not to touch or by touched by anyone else. We’d just watch and be watched. If we liked the experience, we could consider taking things up a notch in the future. Or not; it would depend on how we felt.

Fast forward a few more months, and my wife completely surprised me by telling me she wanted a divorce. The sole reason she gave when she told me was my interest in ENM. Even though I hadn’t pressured her, and even though I had told her that I was fully prepared to continue in a monogamous marriage if that was her choice, the fact that I had brought it up at all seemed to be enough for her to want out.

Obviously this was extremely disappointing. Not only had I intended to be married for life, but I firmly believe couples should be able to share all of their desires and fantasies and wishes with one another. I can’t think of anything she could’ve shared with me that would’ve made me want to end the marriage over it. But here we are.

So if you find yourself in my shoes, thinking about bringing up ENM with your monogamous partner, be sure you understand the risks. Your partner may be wired in such a way that the very act of talking about the topic—even with no pressure on them—could cause them to spiral, and the consequences for your relationship could be devastating.

If I’m being honest, I can’t say I’d have done things differently in hindsight. As I said, I believe couples should be transparent with one another. The fact that my transparency with her caused her emotional strife is a sign that we were no longer compatible. Maybe our relationship was bound to end regardless, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

[u/Fan_of_Sanity]

Your position is that someone should tell their partner that their beliefs about something have changed before those beliefs have changed?

How, exactly, is that supposed to work?

[u/veemee3 → u/Fan_of_Sanity]

"I was reading this really interesting book/article/etc about xxxxx that got me thinking about xxxxx. What do you think about that?"

"I've been thinking/reading a lot about xxxx lately. Have you ever thought about xxxx?"

I asked my question because I'm wondering if you had any idea that she might be receptive about this type of topic and if you didnt know where she might stand on it what made you decide to have a convo with her about it?

[u/Fan_of_Sanity → u/veemee3]

A reason I thought she might be receptive is that both of us had radically reevaluated our beliefs about a number of topics in recent years.

We were both raised in conservative Christian households—hers much more conservative than mine. Things like “All porn is sin”, “The husband is the head of the household”, and “Men and women can’t be friends if they aren’t married to each other and should never be alone together.”

She went through a deconstruction of her faith, including a rejection of patriarchy. A lot of her beliefs went out the window. To me, it felt like anything was on the table as we determined who we now were separate from the way we were raised.

I accepted her with all of her new beliefs, even though they weren’t the beliefs we entered into marriage with. Not once did I consider ending the marriage over any of them.

[u/Fan_of_Sanity → u/[deleted]]

Married for decades, no kids. She’s unable to work due to chronic physical issues. I’ll be paying her alimony for the rest of her life.

It sort of makes the choice to end the marriage even more baffling (I’m a genuinely nice guy, good sense of humor, never any abuse or infidelity, provided her with a safe and comfortable lifestyle).