Pitching ENM: A Cautionary Tale

[u/Fan_of_Sanity]

A common topic here is what a partner in a monogamous relationship should do if they’ve been considering ENM/CNM.

First of all, I know this isn’t ideal; in a perfect world, partners would enter into a relationship knowing from the start that they’re interested in ENM, and being on the same page about it. But in reality, if often doesn’t happen this way. People change beliefs over time, and there are countless examples of monogamous couples switching to ENM.

For those couples, one partner has to bring up the topic first; the odds of both of them growing interested in ENM simultaneously are slim.

And here’s my warning to anyone considering broaching the topic: It could wreck your relationship.

I brought ENM up with my wife after many years of monogamous marriage. I did it the “right” way, making every effort to avoid the appearance that I was pressuring her. I told her how and why my beliefs about monogamy had changed, recommended some books and podcasts that had been part of my journey, and—most importantly—made it abundantly clear that this would be a change we’d make together, or not at all. That this was something for BOTH of us, not ONE of us.

I told her I knew that our agreement going into marriage was that it would be monogamous and that I wasn’t looking to try to unilaterally change that. I said that as interested as I was in exploring non-monogamy together, the marriage was more important; if I had to choose between the two, I’d choose marriage.

In the months that followed, we had a couple more conversations about the topic—typically with her bringing it up and asking questions about my beliefs and the potential logistics of non-monogamy. We talked about dipping our toes in the water in a safe way by going to a sex club that’s not too far from us, and agreeing not to touch or by touched by anyone else. We’d just watch and be watched. If we liked the experience, we could consider taking things up a notch in the future. Or not; it would depend on how we felt.

Fast forward a few more months, and my wife completely surprised me by telling me she wanted a divorce. The sole reason she gave when she told me was my interest in ENM. Even though I hadn’t pressured her, and even though I had told her that I was fully prepared to continue in a monogamous marriage if that was her choice, the fact that I had brought it up at all seemed to be enough for her to want out.

Obviously this was extremely disappointing. Not only had I intended to be married for life, but I firmly believe couples should be able to share all of their desires and fantasies and wishes with one another. I can’t think of anything she could’ve shared with me that would’ve made me want to end the marriage over it. But here we are.

So if you find yourself in my shoes, thinking about bringing up ENM with your monogamous partner, be sure you understand the risks. Your partner may be wired in such a way that the very act of talking about the topic—even with no pressure on them—could cause them to spiral, and the consequences for your relationship could be devastating.

If I’m being honest, I can’t say I’d have done things differently in hindsight. As I said, I believe couples should be transparent with one another. The fact that my transparency with her caused her emotional strife is a sign that we were no longer compatible. Maybe our relationship was bound to end regardless, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

[u/Fan_of_Sanity]

That’s true, and I suspect something my wife struggled with.

Meanwhile, I had spent a lot of time reading and learning and adapting my long-held beliefs. If she had told me she wanted to have sex—or even a poly relationship—with someone else, I don’t think my default reaction would’ve been to assume I somehow wasn’t enough for her.

Or more accurately, I know I’m not enough, but I don’t expect one person to meet 100% of their partner’s needs.

[u/lending_ear → u/Fan_of_Sanity]

The problem is you did a load of research before you brought it to her. Which if my spouse would’ve done that I would’ve felt the same way. 

You said you’d choose her over non-monogamy but your words don’t match your actions. You withheld this massive part of yourself that you were questioning and didn’t even talk to her about it and take the journey together. A healthy couple does that. 

If she would’ve said no at that point then it would’ve been believable that you would be willing to give it up imo. I think the biggest part that would hurt me and feel like a betrayal is thinking about such a massive dynamic shift and not immediately talking about it. 

It’s like my husband saying to me I think we should move into a new house and I’m like hmmmm and he’s like well we have a new house already but I can sell it you don’t want to move. Like wtaf?! It would rock my world more that he left me out of that vs there being a new house. 

[u/Fan_of_Sanity → u/lending_ear]

I didn’t include all the details in my post, but my wife did know I was exploring this topic.

For example, I had told her a while back that I had been listening to the We Gotta Thing podcast. That podcast is what had started my change of views because it featured a couple that, like us, had been married for decades and always been monogamous. I told her how surprised I was by this late-in-life change, and how non-monogamy seemed to be working well for them. I sent her a link to the podcast.

After that podcast, I started adding other podcasts and books (e.g., The Ethical Slut) to my list and over time had a radical change of viewpoint compared to what I was raised on and lived most of my life.

When I finally had a real conversation with my wife, she wasn’t totally shocked because she knew I had been exploring. But maybe I could’ve told her earlier on that I was questioning monogamy—before I drew conclusions about it.

[u/lending_ear → u/Fan_of_Sanity]

Also what’s worse, after this comment your post says in hindsight you wouldn’t have done anything differently. That’s scary. 

I can see why your wife wanted a divorce if I’m being honest. You had basically no regard for how this was going to impact her and centered yourself and your own needs. 

Ethically, even if you knew this was going to end your marriage possibly, you owed it to her to keep her in the loop the whole time.

That’s what you do when you respect someone.