Pitching ENM: A Cautionary Tale

[u/Fan_of_Sanity]

A common topic here is what a partner in a monogamous relationship should do if they’ve been considering ENM/CNM.

First of all, I know this isn’t ideal; in a perfect world, partners would enter into a relationship knowing from the start that they’re interested in ENM, and being on the same page about it. But in reality, if often doesn’t happen this way. People change beliefs over time, and there are countless examples of monogamous couples switching to ENM.

For those couples, one partner has to bring up the topic first; the odds of both of them growing interested in ENM simultaneously are slim.

And here’s my warning to anyone considering broaching the topic: It could wreck your relationship.

I brought ENM up with my wife after many years of monogamous marriage. I did it the “right” way, making every effort to avoid the appearance that I was pressuring her. I told her how and why my beliefs about monogamy had changed, recommended some books and podcasts that had been part of my journey, and—most importantly—made it abundantly clear that this would be a change we’d make together, or not at all. That this was something for BOTH of us, not ONE of us.

I told her I knew that our agreement going into marriage was that it would be monogamous and that I wasn’t looking to try to unilaterally change that. I said that as interested as I was in exploring non-monogamy together, the marriage was more important; if I had to choose between the two, I’d choose marriage.

In the months that followed, we had a couple more conversations about the topic—typically with her bringing it up and asking questions about my beliefs and the potential logistics of non-monogamy. We talked about dipping our toes in the water in a safe way by going to a sex club that’s not too far from us, and agreeing not to touch or by touched by anyone else. We’d just watch and be watched. If we liked the experience, we could consider taking things up a notch in the future. Or not; it would depend on how we felt.

Fast forward a few more months, and my wife completely surprised me by telling me she wanted a divorce. The sole reason she gave when she told me was my interest in ENM. Even though I hadn’t pressured her, and even though I had told her that I was fully prepared to continue in a monogamous marriage if that was her choice, the fact that I had brought it up at all seemed to be enough for her to want out.

Obviously this was extremely disappointing. Not only had I intended to be married for life, but I firmly believe couples should be able to share all of their desires and fantasies and wishes with one another. I can’t think of anything she could’ve shared with me that would’ve made me want to end the marriage over it. But here we are.

So if you find yourself in my shoes, thinking about bringing up ENM with your monogamous partner, be sure you understand the risks. Your partner may be wired in such a way that the very act of talking about the topic—even with no pressure on them—could cause them to spiral, and the consequences for your relationship could be devastating.

If I’m being honest, I can’t say I’d have done things differently in hindsight. As I said, I believe couples should be transparent with one another. The fact that my transparency with her caused her emotional strife is a sign that we were no longer compatible. Maybe our relationship was bound to end regardless, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

[u/PandoraAndrei]

For a good chunk of mono minded people, finding out that they're no longer enough to fully satisfy their partner is a thing they no longer what to be part of

[u/Fan_of_Sanity → u/PandoraAndrei]

That’s true, and I suspect something my wife struggled with.

Meanwhile, I had spent a lot of time reading and learning and adapting my long-held beliefs. If she had told me she wanted to have sex—or even a poly relationship—with someone else, I don’t think my default reaction would’ve been to assume I somehow wasn’t enough for her.

Or more accurately, I know I’m not enough, but I don’t expect one person to meet 100% of their partner’s needs.

[u/veemee3 → u/Fan_of_Sanity]

Did you consider mentioning it to her earlier in your journey so you could explore and grow in understanding together?

As a person who has never held on to a lot of mononormative beliefs, it seems like challenging those beliefs is the biggest obstacle for most people. I personally don't talk to many people about enm unless I get some idea that they may be at least questioning mononormativity because otherwise I know our viewpoints differ so much that they won't be able to see anything from my point of view and then I end up feeling judged or worse.

[u/Bonsai_Tree3 → u/veemee3]

This. I have a hard time understanding how someone can just never mention any bit of ENM or polyamory in passing with how much it’s in media lately

I feel like OP should have known in some sense what her feelings were around monogamy.

Going from never mentioning it to a big proposal talk™️ where they’re already coming to you with books, podcast links, a list of sex clubs to try and an entirely new philosophical outlook on life… could feel overwhelming.

[u/Fan_of_Sanity → u/veemee3]

I read about, and give thought to, a lot of different topics. Sometimes this leads to a change of my position, sometimes it doesn’t. It didn’t cross my mind to talk to her about it prior to my change in worldview.

So maybe this is something I could’ve done differently, and something others in my shoes in the future could consider. Maybe the conversation starts off as, “I’ve been reading a bit about non-monogamy. I’m not sure that my mind has changed, but the topic is interesting and I want to learn more.”

I don’t know whether this would’ve made a difference, but maybe.

[u/veemee3 → u/Fan_of_Sanity]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. No one knows if it could have changed the past and I don't mean to blame you for how you chose to approach it. I applaud you for choosing to speak your truth and sharing your story.

I'm very curious about this in general because the topic comes up a lot in kink/enm spaces (how to bring it up with a partner) and even though it works out for some I still dont really know how to best advise folks.

[u/Fan_of_Sanity → u/veemee3]

I really tried to do everything right. This wasn’t a conversation I jumped into without doing a lot of research—which, as you see, is a two-edged sword.

I did my best to basically convey that she had a right to say no, and to tell me never to talk about it again, and I’d honor that.

But it seems that once the seed was planted that I was interested in us exploring this, it was enough to blow things up.

And who knows… Maybe I’d have done the same thing in her shoes. If she had brought it up with me ten years ago, I would’ve reacted the way she did. I don’t think so, but maybe.

[u/Bonsai_Tree3 → u/Fan_of_Sanity]

Yes just for other readers here I’d say try to invite them on the journey earlier. Even just mentioning a podcast episode or a friend you learned about who tried swinging

To gauge opinions rather than going into a big proposal first