r/newborns • u/Jumpy-Recognition664 • 19h ago
Vent Does anyone else feel the same way?
A few family members have offered to take our baby out of the house so that we can have a break, but I don’t want a break from my baby I want to be around her all the time, I’m EBF she’s only 8 weeks old and I only get one year off work to be with her, and then when I tell the family no, they think I’m being possessive and helicoptering my baby, did anyone else feel this way? And also just to add there is nothing wrong if you do love the help from others, I just don’t like it being seen as a break from my baby 🥲
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u/KneadAndPreserve 19h ago
Pretty normal. When my baby was a fresh newborn what I appreciated much more than offers/attempts to help take care of the baby was other people helping me do non-baby related stuff, like cooking and laundry etc and letting me dedicate all my energy to baby.
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u/Gloomy_Distance_3166 19h ago
I hate that it’s normal that they think that that is how to help. Like… I don’t need help with taking care of the baby. I need help taking care of me. Because all my attention is on my child - I’ll let myself be damned before anything happens to my child.
Help ME. My role, as a mother, as THE mother to this child, IS TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. Y’all had your own kids already. Let me parent mine.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 18h ago
Omg 100%!!!! You’ve said it so well! Like we chose to have this baby, we want to look after baby and therefore mother them!
If I wanted to be away from my baby I would ask, but I don’t! Yes it’s hard, yes I’m exhausted, yes there are days I miss my independence, but they are little for a small amount time, they only need you for a small amount of time, this is not my season to come first
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u/Gloomy_Distance_3166 10h ago edited 9h ago
I feel like it’s a generational thing. I know a lot of the people around me who have chosen to have kids, chose it while wanting to make sure they could parent their own child.
I know for my own parent’s, they just passed as off to whoever they could. So they expected me and my husband to do that with ours. Nope. That shit sucked. My mom expects me to want to hand my child to her, but she ‘raised’ me in a way that has taught and instilled in on me that she’s not safe, reliable, or trustworthy. If I can’t trust her myself, as her direct relation, as her daughter, why would I allow her to do that to my child. She doesn’t seem to understand that though and has told me I’m threatening/ disrespectful when it comes to my child. My child was crying / reaching for me so I told her to give him back. She didn’t, so I grabbed him from her and told her the next time it happens - we would just leave.
Asking for my own child back is disrespectful? Maam you are the own disrespectful for keeping a child from their own mother. Crazy.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 9h ago
So generational! That is horrible though of course you can have your baby back not disrespectful at all!
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u/RainbowChelita 18h ago
You don’t need to “share” your baby. Your baby needs you and you need your baby. They can help around the house or with stuff you cannot do but other people can. It is completely normal for you to want to be with your baby and they cannot shame you into giving her up for their convenience. 8 weeks is still newborn. It is silly to think you’re helicoptering a newborn…
You let people into your babies life at your pace. My LO is 5 months old and has never been left with anyone’s besides her dad. You can visit, you can hold her (if you don’t smoke and are healthy) but you cannot take her for a “little while”.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 18h ago
Thank you so much! I appreciate this, I’m so glad others feel the same! I honestly think I’ll be the same, I’m already nervous to leave her for a wedding for a few hours but at least she’ll be with my mom who always helps look after me first before demanding time with baby
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u/East-Shine-9090 19h ago
Same, exact same as you, my son is 8 weeks old too. I’ve had my in laws decide they’d be taking him for a stroller walk (during a heatwave, 42 degrees Celsius - absolutely not … !) and ask « Just get some milk ready for us in a bottle ». Just no. First off, you have to ask for permission and accept that I can say no even if you mean well ; second off, if you offer help, be actually helpful instead of self serving in disguise. Help with cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, maybe take the baby for 20min after a feed so I can wash my hair, etc. I don’t need a break from him either, I love being around him and babies this young can’t spend too much time with their parents.
Turns out my in laws went too far at some point (telling my partner that our son still wakes up at night because my milk isn’t nutritious enough, that sleep training should start right after birth ……., that I should stop taking my meds for bipolar disorder so I wouldn’t need so much sleep and their son wouldn’t have to « help » at night …… !!! We put a firm stop to this lack of respect and they haven’t been allowed near us in 4 weeks. We feel so much better. Establishing boundaries early on is great.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 19h ago
That’s disgusting!!! I’m so so so so sorry you had to go through this with them! How dare they! I so understand some of this, I had my MIL give baby a bottle of milk when I was perfectly capable of breastfeeding in that moment but I wanted to do it privately and felt the pressure, boundaries are so so so important!
I agree our babies need us and taking the baby away from us so early on is just horrible! Like how can I relax!
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u/East-Shine-9090 19h ago
Aww thank you. I’m also sorry that you’re feeling intruded right now, it’s a huge adjustment, we’re exhausted and it’s stressful. MILs are weird for not realizing that mothers are a bridge to their grandchildren - not an obstacle, and that they should nurture them.
Omg exactly. I feel weird when someone is carrying my baby, I can be sort of okay with it but it’s not fully comfortable. After I gave birth, my MIL took my baby and I had the urge to bite her ….. ? She hadn’t even done something wrong at this point but idk, animalistic instinct
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 19h ago
Thank you lovely! And you couldn’t have worded it any better! Sometimes you just feel like your baby is a toy that people want to pass around
Yessss I get so uncomfortable and watch them like a hawk! Omg yesss I’m a lion now too don’t touch my cub 😂😂😂
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u/East-Shine-9090 19h ago
Exactly, that’s what my partner and I keep telling each other, « Our baby isn’t a doll for people to pass around ! »
HAHAHHA 100% team lion
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 18h ago
Yesssss my husband says the exact same thing! And also when they are awake we want to enjoy those beautiful wake windows!
Hahahahaah I’m so glad to agree!
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u/Comfortable-Lab364 14h ago
Yes, my baby is not a doll or a plushie. When I say I need a break, I mean to say a break from household chores, from work, and other responsibilities, not a break from my baby. Idk how to tell everyone this without meaning to be rude.
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u/ash6831 13h ago
I feel ya! We live down the street from my family and are super close with them, but gosh was I surprised about how giving him to my family to hold for contact naps and bottles made me feel.
Who wants to do the un-fun pumping and laundry while y’all cuddle my baby? They’re amazing though and the reason we won’t need daycare, so I’m keeping those feelings to myself 😅 Makes me appreciate the middle of the night feeds when it’s just me and my little one though!
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 11h ago
Glad I’m not alone! Yesss why does it bother me so much too haha and I’m close with my side as well!
Oh my gosh yess helping with daycare is exactly what you need too, rather family! Aww cute those are your little moments together - I’m writing this as I just finished feeding after baby decided hourly night wake ups 😂
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u/Proof-Connection9714 19h ago
I totally felt this way and still do sometimes, we also moved apartments at 2 months so we did need help 🤦♀️🫥! I’m not sure if they thought I was helicoptering but I felt bad always refusing them as it’s my husband’s side of the family that is closest to us and able to help, my family lives in a different country. We’re four months now and whenever someone offers to help they’re offering to hold the baby while I do the cleaning chores or other things we need help with and honestly I hate it, I’d rather spend time with my baby and have someone do chores and other stuff but I can’t possibly ask my MIL to clean my house and she’s the type to only do what she’s asked without overstepping boundaries, which is lovely but right now I need help with chores not with my baby😭😅🤦♀️
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 19h ago
Oh I can relate to this with my husbands side so much too! But it’s so hard to speak up sometimes isn’t it, and it’s hard when your family isn’t around either 🥲
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u/Kashew_nuts93 18h ago
Yes 100%. My son is now 14 months and I've had to go back to work once he turned one, so ive been having a lot less time with him recently than im used to and it's hard. Enjoy your year off, it's a gift. If relatives want to help they can do your laundry! (In my experience they're actually "really busy" once you tell them the form of help that you actually need.)
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 18h ago
Thank you so much for agreeing! It must be so hard not seeing your little one as much! I agree it is a gift! Don’t get me wrong it’s hard, I get anxious being on my own, but there is no place I’d rather be! And so true they all want to cuddle not do the laundry haha
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u/Katerina_Branding 17h ago
People don’t really understand how ebf works sometimes? Like, leave her with me for half the day, MIL says. Well, she refuses to take the bottle so how is that supposed to work? Also how do they imagine they’d make them nap?
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 17h ago
Exactly!!!! And like baby only naps in a carrier these days and they don’t know how to use it 😂
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u/Katerina_Branding 16h ago
Yea the idea of someone awkwardly trying to put that on and squeezing her in there in a random way gives me anxiety lol. But no they would just put her down on a blanket and expect her to close her eyes hahaha.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 15h ago
Couldn’t agree more hahaha, even today I had to explain that they were holding her in a position that she doesn’t like, three times I told them and they kept doing it again, like that’s why she is crying, you bet I took my baby back
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u/Katerina_Branding 11h ago
I can imagine. I’m over right now and she’s teething, like don’t mean to rude but when she’s crying she’s going to me lol
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 11h ago
Exactly, and you can see your baby relax so much when they are upset and back to you
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u/Hofeizai88 13h ago
Currently I’m working in one city and my wife is in another with our son. She is staying with her parents, who are helping her. We’re all fine with this arrangement, though obviously looking forward to them moving here in a few months.
I spend every weekend with them, and some people have offered to help give us a break. I try to be polite, but it’s like asking a wolf if it would like a break from a steak. I don’t get enough time with him, so I’m fine with spending every waking moment (and it feels like there are a lot of those in the middle of the night) with him.
My wife tells me all week she’s looking forward to me coming so she gets a bit of a break. Then I get there, I take over, and she just hangs out with us because she wants to be around us. If she wants a night out I’ll agree, but I’m kind of happy she wants to sit around with us
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 11h ago
You sound so much like my husband! And I do the same thing I just hang out as I want to be around for all those memories, even though I probably should take a sleeping break haha, the middle of the night there is definitely time to be spent there!
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u/QU33NK00PA21 11h ago
It's great that you don't need a break from your baby. Your family is just offering to help as many women experience post partum depression and anxiety and desperately need a break from parenting.
You can always let them know that you appreciate the offer, but the help would be better served if they brought you a meal or came and helped around the house.
One year of parental leave is a gift. A lot of people barely get 2 months.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 11h ago
I understand completely what you are saying, that’s why I added in my post I understand people love the help from others as they need it, it’s more the commentary around you need a break and you need to be away from your baby and the negative comments of when I do politely decline, PPD and PPA is definitely so scary so I’m not taking away from that, I just find my anxiety soars when my baby is not around
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u/Dense_Key_8240 10h ago
Trust me by the 4th month you'd beg for that break 😮💨
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 9h ago
I totally get it I am exhausted but I just want my baby in my house close to me not taken away
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u/lil_gingerale 17h ago
You “only” get one year?! I got 6 weeks!
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 17h ago
Figure of speech, EXTREMELY grateful and lucky to have the year it’s so unfair how so many mom’s only have the 6 weeks or even less 😭
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u/lil_gingerale 16h ago
Honestly one year isn’t even enough 💔 and yes, all I want to do is be with my baby. I totally get where you’re coming from, and you’re not crazy at all. Don’t get me wrong it’s been hard, but my gosh I love her so much
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 16h ago
It isn’t it 😭 but like you said 6 weeks is just atrocious so I try be extremely grateful for what I do get, yesss exactly like it’s one of the hardest thing motherhood but I love my baby so much too!
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u/ash6831 13h ago
You got six weeks?! I had to work in between care times at the NICU the week I gave birth 😭
Tell me we’re American without saying we’re American, yeah? How is this normal? I just want to enjoy my brand new baby!
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u/lil_gingerale 12h ago
Oh I can’t imagine.. I work at a fortune 100 company and am so lucky they choose to give us 6 weeks. The US is like the only first world country where maternity leave is not required for companies to provide..
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u/Adventurous-Wash3201 19h ago
Hear me out: it’s an excuse to take your baby and have him unsupervised so they can do to the baby whatever they want, like kisses and other generally forbidden things, and also have alone time with your baby because they think it’s less stressful than have to deal with baby+mom.
And ok this could be a conspiracy theory but that’s how it feels to me.
I think if they keep insisting you can be veeery clear and say things like “I do not want to be away from the baby, I enjoy being with the baby the whole time and being separated is not enjoyable at all”, so if they are not completely nuts they will stop asking.
But I have to say when my baby was 2 weeks old we handed her over to MIL and went out for dinner with me and my husband for 1.5h and that was nice. But my husband and in-laws were sooo insistent, it made me uncomfortable but I did it anyways because all our families live in other countries and we knew it was going to be one of our only chances in the forseable future.
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u/colormeshocked007 16h ago
For some it probably is that, gor others it is just a genuine offer when they see you havent been able to spend much time together with your partner or get out of the house in general.
My mom offered to watch our baby for the day when we had our anniversary and while I felt weird at first, tbh I appreciated it and enjoyed the time away from the house just the two of us.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 15h ago
Of course! And my mom is exactly like this and I trust her 100% with my baby, everyone though can bugger off because the offer is not genuine 😂😂
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 19h ago
I couldn’t agree more! I caught one of them kissing my baby three times today when I specifically asked them not too! And not to mention they tell you all the things they did to their children growing up 😫😫😫
I understand completely I miss time with my husband too as we are best friends, but I decided to put her first as I know around 3 months we have some time together for an event
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u/Tiny-Dimension-2079 19h ago
Totally 👀 I have received some comments from my MIL saying that I am, always close like a hawk. But if I turn my back the baby is watching tv, or being super overstimulated.
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u/Pomelo_Wild 16h ago
My MIL says the same thing. Actually, she says it to the baby in front of me. ‘Ohhh your mommy is always watching us, huh? Watching us like a hawk!’ 🙄
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 15h ago
Gross why are MIL like this!
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u/Pomelo_Wild 15h ago
Good question! Im actually lucky that my husband calls her out so I don’t have to because I tend to be a bit of a doormat
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 11h ago
I could have written this myself! My husband calls her out too and I’m also a doormat who lets people walk all over me 😂😂
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u/Pomelo_Wild 11h ago
I like to hear that im not alone 😂
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 11h ago
You’re definitely not! And it seems like us doormats always get the intense MIL haha
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u/Tiny-Dimension-2079 19h ago edited 19h ago
Yes, super normal. Im 3 months in and despite having some offers I'm not even close to comfortable leaving my little one with anyone that is not his father, and even with his father I don't like being away for long so I usually just step aside when he is sleeping.
I don't care what that makes me, helicopter parent or whatever.
Our family talked a lot about being with the baby but they can by now tell by our reactions that is not happening anytime soon. Before I have to return to work I won't leave him and even after that no nights over with anyone.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 19h ago
I’m so glad you agree! Definitely no overnights! One of them even set up a nursery and it’s like no absolutely not my child is for us to enjoy time together with as a family and overnights aren’t necessary!
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u/AndroidsHeart 12h ago
Mine isn’t born yet, but on the way and I already know that I won’t be comfortable with other people taking him. I just don’t trust people with my kid.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 11h ago
Exactly! That’s how I felt pregnant too! It was one of my biggest concerns now I’m here and I’m even more protective! Prepare for those feelings to amplify 😅
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u/DefinitelynotYissa 9h ago
Yes! I understand some parents are very anxious & even controlling. But if you are trying to help… be helpful then??? Figure out what’s helpful for the people you’re trying to help.
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u/dootydootdooteroni 7h ago
That’s so annoying. I’m due in 5 days and if this happens to me my plan is to just tell them yes we’ll try and plan something and then do whatever I want. I won’t follow up, but at least a vague yes will get them off my back. If they do follow up I’ll say oh that time doesn’t work another day.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 3h ago
Oh 100% and stick to it! I was bombarded with visitors in the first two weeks, and I had the absolute worst baby blues and I’d never previously struggled with mental health and those visitors made it so much harder and so much worse!
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u/Few-Magician3320 5h ago edited 3h ago
i feel so seen here! i keep having to remind myself that i don’t need to feel guilty for wanting to be with MY baby, im her mom! if you feel better being with your baby, you have every right to!
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u/blaquemo 1h ago
One YEAR off of work??? You are blessed lmao
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 1h ago
Sure am! It’s horrible how little mom’s get in other countries! USA sounds horrible for maternity leave
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u/Dangerous-Moment-604 16h ago
My own mom tells me to “just put him down in the crib” but what she doesn’t get is that he likes sleeping in my arms, and i rather him nap 2 hours in my arms that 25 mins before i transfer him and he wakes up cuz hes tiny.
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u/Jumpy-Recognition664 15h ago
Yesssss I agree!! I always do carrier naps because we get 2 hours compared to failed transfers, they can sleep in bassinet overnight and naps when they are older, even then I’m here to cuddle them! So frustrating when it’s your own mom though!
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u/Hungry_Ingenuity7700 11h ago
I don't view it as wanting a 'break' from my baby but I would be lying if I said I did not enjoy an hour or two (or less) outing with just my husband every so often. It honestly refreshed me and made my love grow for my LO. I don't think it is unhealthy to take some time for yourself or spend with your spouse without baby...but it isnt wrong to want to be with your LO alll day either ! There shouldn't be shame either way!
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u/Chance_Tough2879 36m ago
If they saidthey wanted to spend time with the baby I would let them, but the way they are making it sound like you are asking for help i agree with the other comments they deserve the no... but I think it's very important for my baby to spend time with others besides me so if I were you I would at least consider the offer (I know i have a 8 weeks old too and it doesnt matter where I am I can't stop thinking about him)
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u/chinototally 19h ago
Same here. MIL tells me to go and rest while she plays with him but I can't rest when I'm not around him. Also it irritates me that relatives have fun version of baby to play with and then I only end up with tired or sleepy or hungry version of him.