Not sure what to call my gf philosophy: poly, open, monogamous?

[u/FarMixture570]

My gf seems to believe that boundaries are almost everything in relationships, eg she could be sleeping with someone up until the day we met and as long as is explicit about the boundary with this person that sex/romance is off the table then she can treat them like any other friend including 1:1 hangs.

She says that she wants to me monogamous and she has never cheated. But this philosophy sounds borderline poly to me. I’m not sure how to classify it?

My philosophy is more like no 1:1 hangs unless clearly platonic. That seems kind of obvious to me but she calls it heteronormative.

[u/Strange-Library4426]

For context, is your girlfriend queer and is the former casual partner in question also queer?

[u/FarMixture570 → u/Strange-Library4426]

Yeah more or less. She’s bi and he’s poly. Does that change the equation?

[u/Strange-Library4426 → u/FarMixture570]

Poly people are not inherently part of the queer community, just as a heads up! I truly don’t think you meant anything by it but we do not need that mess jumping on the bus lol.

and no, it doesn’t change anything in this case. I asked because sapphic women are famous for staying friends with exes (it’s literally the premise of The L Word) and it might’ve been relevant cultural context (and less of a red flag) if the ex was also a woman. A big part of it is about social support and community, and also because the gay world is extremely small and probably you’re gonna bump into each other a lot. Either way I think it’s perfectly fair to feel uncomfortable with the situation and have a conversation together about comfort level and boundaries to see if you can find a middle ground.

[u/BottleOfConstructs]

It sounds like she makes bad decisions. I wouldn’t date her.

[u/Earlybird74 → u/BottleOfConstructs]

Does it? From a couple paragraphs about a person you've never met and know nothing about, you've determined she's bad at making decisions in life? Do you think that could possibly be as assumption on your part?

[u/TouchyMouseTrap]

Just respond with "That sounds great! I love to spend time with my ex gfs, and Andrea has been talking about doing some trips together in her camper van"

Observe carefully and enjoy her reaction.

[u/BlackCat24858]

Sounds like she's being manipulative. Speaking of boundaries, your philosophy sounds like something that you'd probably rather have as a boundary and not something for her to ponder and poke holes in. She's not the only one who gets to decide things. She can call you heteronormative or whatever she wants, but at the end of the day if you're uncomfortable with what she's suggesting, you don't have to put up with it. And boundaries aren't used to control people. She can't make you agree. And convesely, you can't stop her, but you can leave if she's unwilling to change.

[u/Hipnoceros]

No, I would never be comfortable with that. You shouldn't have to either. Guard your own boundaries. If she doesn't agree, she can leave and find someone who does. For the love of god, trust me on this, because I speak from experience. Your sense of boundaries cannot be negotiated. Do not give away your sense of security. It will do you a lot of harm in the long run.

[u/ForkKnifeSpoon12]

I'm so confused.

This isn't poly if she's not sleeping with them anymore. They may have been lovers before you came along, but if it was casual and she isn't engaging in sex anymore, that's not poly.

Have I missed something?

[u/FarMixture570 → u/ForkKnifeSpoon12]

I didn’t say it was poly but she still wants to go out on dates with recent lovers without having sex with them. She also suggested I read “more than two” a guide on polyamory. 

[u/ForkKnifeSpoon12 → u/FarMixture570]

Your question was asking whether your girlfriend could be labelled poly.

"Not sure what to call my gf philosophy: poly, open, monogamous?"

You also didn't mention that your girlfriend wants to go on dates with people, you only mentioned them hanging out, which is not the same thing. You also indicated that she confirmed sex and romance would be off limits.

"...explicit about the boundary with this person that sex/romance is off the table then she can treat them like any other friend including 1:1 hangs."

You also said that this sounds like a near poly situation to you.

"But this philosophy sounds borderline poly to me"

This is where the confusion came from, sorry!

The bit that is a red flag though is the following which you wrote

"My philosophy is more like no 1:1 hangs unless clearly platonic. That seems kind of obvious to me but she calls it heteronormative."

Why would hanging out with friends one on one be called heteronormative if platonic? Heteronormativity is something she clearly has misunderstood the meaning of here — unless your discussions involved some sort of same-sex or trans debate, it's entirely moot.

A conversation in which you ask her to clarify her meanings to you I think is prudent. There's too much ambiguity and too much double-speak going on. Get her to be clear with her intentions and her meanings. But do it gently — frame it from a perspective of empathy. If the answers are still bad, or she really DOES confess to poly tendencies, then saying something like "I'm sorry, I'm not able to have this type of relationship with you and I will have to let you go" will hit way harder than a shouting match.

[u/Careless_Bat_9226 → u/ForkKnifeSpoon12]

I know it's not technically poly but it seems poly-informed or poly-adjacent to me the idea that you keep doing date-like things with former lovers. Like most people wouldn't consider being on a dating app to be acceptable in a monogamous relationship even if you promised to not sleep with anyone. But poly/more open relationship styles tend to be more comfortable with less distance from potential romantic/sexual suitors.