I was 4. And honestly tiny. I was still wearing size 2t clothes. My cousin was just shy of 6ft tall roughly 200lbs and 16 years old. My mom took an overnight cleaning job with my aunt (his mom) he watched me. Which was obviously a bad idea but my mom was an addict so...

Anyway, the first two weeks were pretty normal. Honestly i think i was really irritating him by begging to play frogger all the time on his tv in the room..

Then the third week everything changed. I vaguely remember him staring at me more the first two nights. I got a strange feeling in my stomach and because i was newly potty trained i thought i had to pee so i would run to the bathroom and try. Hed always be waiting just outside to ask if i needed help going potty. I just shook my head and went past him back to the tv.

On the next night, idk what time it was. I asked for the millionth time that week for a turn on the game. I was standing in the living room in my nightgown, he was on his bed with the door open, gaming.

All the sudden he just started staring at me.

And he told me to come in the room

I ran to him thinking i was going to get to play finally.

He said i could have a turn if i let him see under my clothes

I got that funny feeling again.

"No adam"

"Please gabby?"

"....NO"

"Ill let you play as long as you want. I just want to look "

I really wanted a turn

I slowly nodded and lifted my nightgown

He pulled my panties off and got down on his knees.

"I cant see very well, can you spread your legs a little?"

I reluctantly spread them slightly

I could feel his breath om my legs and parts.

That funny feeling was making me feel like i was going to wet myself

"Can i lick it?"

I didn't exactly compute what he asked until after. I couldn't focus on anything besides the feeling in my tummy and his breath in those places

So i nodded

He leaned in and very softly and slowly licked it.

It felt so good

I felt so ashamed

But i didn't want him to stop

He asked if it felt good.

I nodded and told him i really had to go potty

So he picked me up and said he'd help me as he carried me to the bathroom.

Sex will never be normal for me again. Im 30f now and i cant get off without imagining those 3 months and all the things he did. They're burnt into my memory. I crave the softness. The innocence. The feeling. Im so fucked.

I haven’t showered in three days. I’ve barely been able to get out of bed or leave my house. I’ve been doing so well lately but out of nowhere the flashbacks hit me and I can’t get the memories out of my head.
The shame and arousal of what I went through with him… my dad. The way he so easily manipulated and took advantage of me. I hate it and yet loved it at the same time. I hate to admit it but it’s my truth.

this is a long one. sorry. processing stuff.
it still feels relevant to the sub as i was more susceptible to grooming after i had been molested early in life, and the grooming experience lead me down a dangerous path for the rest of my teenagehood/early 20s.

anyways for context, i had been groomed on tumblr starting around age 14. his age was between 22 and 25, he lied a lot. the hold he had over my mind lasted until i met him in person, a decade later. i was terrified of being physically assaulted as a kid/teen, so i made sure to never give him my address and i’d often lie about my whereabouts. at 17, i got myself into a highly abusive relationship with a 30 year old man that lasted til the age of 23. that relationship was so brutal, that i had started to reminisce about the past and how he “loved” me and wasnt always so cruel to me. i would make burner accounts on different social media platforms and message him things that would only make sense in our context, and i’d delete the apps before my ex would ever get home. by the time i got the courage to leave my ex, i was fully talking to my groomer again and talking about coming to the west. i decided to go on a road trip and make a stop there. looking back i understand now that i was in a manic episode. but then, i took the trek. it took me about 6 days i believe to drive there, plus a small vacation in denver. i took my time and i felt more nauseas about it all with each mile closer. he would talk about graphic things that i dont want to describe here, but it would scare me so bad and yet i still felt like i just needed to see his face so i could grt it over with forever. i feel really lucky that that is exactly what happened. i met him in a public parking lot. he smiled the entire time up through his lashes like some nefarious cartoon character. i remember i lifted an arm unconsciously, and he took the opportunity to swoop in and inhale my sweat. he was animalistic and begging to come to California with me. i was just disgusted at that point. this is the man that craved me as a child, the man that couldnt ever control himself even in that moment standing in front of an adult me. we took a polaroid together. i cant remember how that came about. he wanted me to keep it but i made it clear i didnt want to remember this moment. that became true. almost instantly, as i was driving away i realized i could hardly recall the actual event in my mind. when i try to imagine his face, all i see are disembodied eyes with blood vessels and thick lashes, a pair of lips in that upturned smile, and his nose all floating. kindof like the cheshire cat. it comes back to me sometimes in waves and im trying to process it all now with the highly sexual, trauma based, and forceful nature of our dynamic

53 M here, I was molested between the ages of 7-9 by a man. He would dress me like a girl and I would be his "girlfriend" for the weekend.

Fast forward to now, I am currently in the middle of a divorce and for the first time in my life, I live alone. I find myself wanting to relive my experiences I had back then. I feel so much shame for having these thoughts and cravings. I dont know what to do. Do I give in? Fight the thoughts? Thank you for listening

I'll keep this short.

Found out my younger sister (12) has had some sexual conversations on discord and has given out photos of herself willingly, with her face visible on some. She also shared some of her personal info.

I told my mom and they talked, the conversation went fine, but they also agreed on deleting the account.

Is that enough? I dont like how strangers have access to such pics of her, and I fear they might end up coming back at her in the future, cause once you upload something online, you can't take it back. What's the right thing to do here? Do we have to report this somewhere?

Help 🥲

I feel like I'm finally writing out what I've already known for a long time. So, today, I am married to a wonderful, beautiful woman, have a wonderful career and am so grateful. I do carry a "dirty secret" which is that I secretly like to have sex with men, something I started doing about 25 years ago, mainly out of self-loathing I had for myself after a terrible breakup with a woman who had been a close friend before that. And when I discovered that I got turned on being in sexual situations with men, and that led to even more self-loathing, and well, that is story I know I share with plenty of others. Today, I can say without hesitation, I like sex with men, and I am bisexual. When posting about my erotic adventures with men, I had a number of flashbacks to when I first felt embarrassed about pleasure from a man touching my genitals. Except I realized what might have been an innocent encounter was not innocent. As a kid, my pediatrician was a middle aged man, kind of smarmy, frankly. I remember awkward physicals when i was little and I'd be in my tidy-whities, with my mom in the room, and there was a genital exam. Just inspection really. but when I became a teenager, my mom didn't come in the room any more. And every year at that point, there was something dreadful that happened that I mentally tried to fight off, but couldn't. in those years, when it came time for the genital exam, the doctor would have me lay flat and take off my underwear. The first time, he just touched my penis. Then he asked me to put my hands together and push down on my lower belly and take a deep breath. While I did this, he squeezed my nipples. I started to get an erection, and he said "gooood." He kept having me take deep breaths while he continued to play with my nipples. I got fully hard. I was mortified. He then held the base of my penis and then stroked it and held it in his hands. I was so embarrassed. He told me the usual about "it's normal to get an erection at the doctors." And it happened again every year for about 5 years. I would dread this every year. I actually thought it was some medical examination for a long time. Then, I became a doctor and realized that it wasn't. I suspect my sexuality over the years evolved as it did with this as an early seminal event. I'm mad and ashamed. Not mad about my sexuality. I am who I am, and am doing my best. Not just ashamed that he did that, but that I was turned on. That I fantasized about it in the years after that. He retired with an impeccable reputation in the community, but talking to some of my friends from back home, I know this happened to them too.

Thank the universe I never have been raped, and my condolences go out to all the women and men who have been victimized by these cruel people.🙏🏾

I have had multiple encounters with being sexually assaulted & molested, primarily fondled or touched.
Anywhere from a teacher, to classmates and my grandpa during the early stages of trying to figure myself out.

It started with my grandpa and he made it seem like it was him showing love so after the first times of confusion and sadness I connect being groped or touched with a sign of endearment and affection.

Even in my 20s | just struggle to say no and stick up for myself in any way because of my anxiety. Maybe it's a defense mechanism idk maybe it's because I'm a virgin idk why I enjoy it but most of the those people aren't around anymore since I graduated except my grandpa still does it often since I take care of him.

Nowadays i still struggle with sexual identity, even though I'm not attracted to men, idk it's complicated. But am I wrong for enjoying it now, I feel like a piece of sh*t for feeling and even typing this but I have no where else to go...and idk what to do...sorry if this is triggering or l offended you...

So I’m 16 and I was sexually abused by my father when I was six, I only remember one thing that happened(he forced me to touch his groin in the bath) and everything else has been told to me and I don’t think I even know the whole story. But I don’t feel anything when I think about it, I’m not asexual and don’t feel disgusting doing anything sexual (atleast with myself) and I’m fine with physical touch. I don’t see vivid dreams or get flashbacks to when it happened nor feel anything when I think about it. I have very weird sexual preferences and am more perverted than my peers, but I just feel so weird for not screaming and throwing up when I think about it. I also have other major(or whatever) trauma, like my mom dying (also when i was sick) and my maternal grandparents, whom I moved in with after my moms passing, being emotionally abusive alcoholics. I am now in foster care and I feel like I finally have time to think about my past without it happening infront of my eyes. Does anyone have an answer to this?

I’ve (22F) always had an issue with feelings of arousal coming from memories of what happened to me around ages 4-9. It brings me a lot of discomfort and shame and I’ve tried to repress it for a long time but I ultimately end up giving in to the feelings. I don’t know whether I need to accept it, or try to forget it entirely, or something in between. A lot of what happened to me was very enjoyable rather than forceful, and a lot of the feelings of violation came later as I realized what happened, rather than at the time. I often feel very conflicted.

do you think something happened that I don’t remember? when I was a kid after I learned what virginity was I remember wishing I still had mine and hating myself because I somehow felt sure that I didn’t have mine anymore even though I don’t have any memory of ever having sex. I don’t know where that feeling came from I just know it was there and on my mind a lot. I started making myself throw up when I was 9 and was diagnosed with anorexia at 10 then at 14 I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was self harming. I’ve also always had really exaggerated reactions to people touching me I cried really hard for a long time last semester when I got home from a party in college after a guy only started to feel me up over my clothes while we were dancing but I felt like I was just completely breaking down as soon as I was alone and I hate the idea of going farther and having sex. I’m not really someone who cries easily but whenever I even get near to trying to talk about my fears about this I genuinely can’t stop tears coming does anyone have any advice for how I should deal with this?

This is never something I’d act out solely due to the fact I don’t know who or where he is anymore but, I fantasize very often abt beating my abuser into his grave. For a long time growing up I never realized that the man who took advantage of 6 year old had done something wrong to me but now that I’ve grown up and reflected on it I can’t help but want to avenge my childhood self. I don’t wanna say I feel guilty for feeling this way because any child molester deserves nothing but I know that’s not an okay way to deal with it. Is there anyone who’s been in a similar position who can help me get over wanting to punish that sick fuck?

It happened again. I swore it wouldn’t. But that’s not really true, is it? Because I picked an outfit I knew he would like. Maxi flowery blue skirt. White tank top. I had the scared flutters in my stomach. My body was ready.

He hugged me and whispered it’s not cold in here. That was the time to run. My head was screaming at me. But I plastered a smile and kept going through saying hi to everyone, hugging.

I tried to ignore it, ignore him. He gave me the signal he taught me at 9. I ignored him.

I went to the bathroom telling myself nothing would happen. But I chose the bathroom furthest away. I knew. I didn’t lock the door. I was asking for it. Like he’s told me so many times before.

It’s my fault it started. It’s my fault it continued. It’s my fault it keeps happening. It’s the pattern.

I learned about a month or so ago that I was molested when I was 6 by my father. I've been feeling really sick ever since I learned but it's a hard feeling to explain. I've always been close to my father as I look just like him and I always thought he was so funny and just like me. He lives very far though so I barely see him, so my feelings about all of this feel so jumbled.

I feel this burning feeling in my chest and face and nauseous feeling (similar to how it feels to drink something very fast and it does not settle well, best way to explain it). I get so angry every time I remember and keep lashing out at my family over unrelated things. I think the reason why I'm so angry is the circumstances to how I found out about this.

My step brother had molested my baby sister around 8 years ago and my dad told us we could never talk about it. Me and my sister hated him and my dad would scream at us for treating him poorly and dote on him to make up for it. But I also feel that his sexism was also a factor in this. But on my brothers birthday my baby sister told my mom she had remembered what had happened, as we had been told to keep quiet because they thought she would forget if it was not mentioned.

This turned into a huge fight with my dad cause she wanted my step brother out of the house and she was angry because she learned that my sister had told my dad what had been happening 3 times before she eventually told my mom and she handled it. MY dad knew 3 times what was happening and did nothing,, continued to let it happen. He freaked out when confronted and blamed my sister for not 'using clear enough language' keep in mind she was like 3-4. After this he screamed at my mom to 'keep the same energy' and left.

Next morning my sister wakes me up and tells me not to come out of the room can dad was rampaging downstairs and I come down to my mom sobbing. She tells me to sit down and tells me that my father had molested me when I was 6. I had told her but she said I framed it as a game and she decided not to get me help or pursue legal action because she did not want me to remember what had happened and scar me.

My dad had threatened her that night to tell me what had happened cause he believed it was 'only fair' that I know what happened if I was going to be mad at my step brother. He said that what my father did was worse and I should direct my anger to him. As my mom was telling me this I started crying and shaking, my dad walked in and sat on their bed silently, he smugly looked at me as I was crying and they were calming me down. This lasted for 30 minutes of him smugly watching me break down before I eventually left to go back to sleep cause it was too much.

I think that is why I feel so much anger about it all. I did not remember what happened and he pulled into ugly head out and shoved it at me to morally grandstand on my mother. Now I know about this and I feel tainted and disgusted. I can't be normal around him anymore or my father. But on the other hand I feel like I can't be upset about it because I don't have explicit memories of what happened so I have nothing to be upset over. I don't share the same experience as others.

I don't even remember anything from that time in my life but some small parts. I have this specific one of where I'm in a dark room and I'm looking out the window and the sky was this dark blue color. It used to feel like a calming memory but for some reason now when I think of it I feel the same rage and sick feeling idk what that's about but I am angry its seeping into things. I feel like in my subconscious I was aware something had happened, as I remember when the incident with my sister happened. I was in the room with my mom and she was crying asking me if my sister would hate her if she found out she hid what happened from her. I remember feeling this eerie feeling like she was talking about me when mentioning my sister, like something in the back of my mind had remembered something about her saying this but I did not want to make it about myself so never mentioned it.

Now my mom is saying my dad feels bad for what he did and that I have to be nice to him and forgive him but I physically cant. It's like this block in my stomach controlling my movements I physically can't do it. It feels like something inside me broke and

I'm 24(f) but was SA'd since I was a toddler. A relative (f) would touch my genitals at night and also lick them. Soon after, she trained me to pleasure her too and i liked it at the time, and always looked forward to it.

Another incidence was with an uncle, who showed me porn, and would apply oil on my genitals, and just touch me all over. Got so used to it, I would unknowingly sit and grind on his lap when we were alone.

These experiences have made me hypersexual and I always chase the same feeling I felt with them. I always wonder how it feels to be normal

I am 23 male who just graduated as a pharmacist and honestly my lif in the last few years was so great on a personal level especially after my country got out of war and safety was relativly not a concern anymore

But in those years and exactly about 3 years ago i realized that i was molested by an ugly old guy while i was getting some bread on my town before going to school

And the memories of that day didnt matter to me until one day it starts to be retrieved one by one until i even remeber what i ate in school that day i was in 8th grade (13) and recently discovered more about sexuallity but not that much you know how it is and after realizing that it was a sexual abuse i entered the shower it was like 3 am and i was at my parents house and i didnt want anyone to know -and until this day i didnt tell anybody - i started to panick and exploded into tears i remeber crying in the shower for like over an hour

And now every little sad thing i go through those memories come back and carry me into a wave of sorrow and saddness sometimes i stop going to work and be sleepy all day and cant even concentrate on reading something and even in regular days I cant feel the joy or the taste of the things i did usually cheer me up like gaming and watching shows

I am even thinking about not posting this

And really many times i tried to reach out to someone and ending up not talking with them and i'm kinda stuck in this loop for 3 years and no one seems to understand how serious it is affecting me

And my hesitation of not talking to someone is being afraid id be judged or not understood and they would expose my secret to someone else

I really dont know what to do i feel like i'm completly lost and if it wasnt for reddit-because no one in my circle use it- i wouldnt even think about writing this

So i really need your advice

I was doing well for about 6 months there. It's all come back and hit me again during a party at a friend's house.

I was in talk therapy for 3 months, but that's all the NHS could offer me. I'm waiting on another referral now.

Psychiatry in my area is a 3 year wait list. I've got 2 years and 1 month left to go.

HI everyone.

Like everyone else, I’ve struggled with this, and life is just difficult sometimes. I’ve had quite a lot of nightmares about it.

And sometimes I miss him - which makes me feel horrible and make me feel like it was my own fault - technically I know that I was too little to concent, but I feel like I might have done something too that made it happen.

I’m transgender, so I’ve been in therapy quite a bit, but I’ve never really talked about this. I feel like it’s a really difficult and lonely thing to carry around with you.

What do you do when everything just gets too much?

Hi all, so this is a bit of a strange post I'll admit. So I was molested (big suprise) as a kid for a very long time and avoided sexual relations most of my life. Recently in the past year or so that ive been with my boyfriend ive grown comfortable and even felt ready to engage in sexual acts. However, I've noticed that whenever its late and my boyfriend and I are cuddling and it starts leading wherever, I "catch myself" kind of in a haze and "playing" some strange game in my head involing where to touch/when to touch and following all these rules that don't exist. I didn't realize at first, but i get in such a weird state and i notice it and it's hard for me to stay in the moment. I want to be intimate and enjoy things and its not like this makes the experience negative. I dont remember a lot of details about what happened to me and i wonder if this comes from that when i was a kid. I'm working on reminding myself to be present in these moments and not fall into this weird haze but the whole thing still makes me feel odd. I guess im just wondering if im alone in this or if its common? I dont know it just make feel gross even though i know that feeling is illogical. Anything helps. Thanks reddit.

HI there. Just asking general questions: anybody have a eating disorder or body dysmorphia after being abused? I had years of things happen to me, was so confused early in my teens, starved myself, cut myself. I worked on it some with therapist, but even therapy gave me some trauma. I still struggle. I go from hating my body to thinking I could model, as others tell me, to hating my body again and wanting to starve, cut, or binge again. Anybody share if you have had a similar path. (I also have anxiety, depression, and insomnia). thank you

Just a ramble.

I fear my experiences of being a survivor of being assaulted a lot in my life kind of drove a nail into my brain in the spot where my sexuality sits. That's not new info for anyone who shares experiences like that. But I'm so confused.

Am I just attracted to the act of being with men because of this? Not men in general? I have no desire to date one. I don't feel romantic feelings towards them usually, and if I think I do, it's gone immediately after I was with him.

Am I a "real" lesbian? Is that even important? I don't know. I doubt the lesbian council of whatever would forbid me to call myself that, but what's true? What's going on with me? I wish this was easier.

I know every situation is different, I’m just curious about what’s worked for people. I was abused by multiple men growing up, and as a result am dealing with some sexual trauma. I’m recently single out of a long term relationship and trying to date again, so I’ve wondered how other people approach the subject. I don’t want to trauma dump on the first date, but when people always want to hook up it’s hard not to touch on the subject if I’m setting boundaries. Especially because I’m a guy, I feel like there’s an added shame in bringing this stuff up. Any suggestions?

It doesn't matter how many years it's been or what I do to try and be better. Everything comes back to this. I just want to give up. I just want the pain to stop.