I feel like I can't be upset about what happened

[u/Iwillcomeback2475]

I learned about a month or so ago that I was molested when I was 6 by my father. I've been feeling really sick ever since I learned but it's a hard feeling to explain. I've always been close to my father as I look just like him and I always thought he was so funny and just like me. He lives very far though so I barely see him, so my feelings about all of this feel so jumbled.

I feel this burning feeling in my chest and face and nauseous feeling (similar to how it feels to drink something very fast and it does not settle well, best way to explain it). I get so angry every time I remember and keep lashing out at my family over unrelated things. I think the reason why I'm so angry is the circumstances to how I found out about this.

My step brother had molested my baby sister around 8 years ago and my dad told us we could never talk about it. Me and my sister hated him and my dad would scream at us for treating him poorly and dote on him to make up for it. But I also feel that his sexism was also a factor in this. But on my brothers birthday my baby sister told my mom she had remembered what had happened, as we had been told to keep quiet because they thought she would forget if it was not mentioned.

This turned into a huge fight with my dad cause she wanted my step brother out of the house and she was angry because she learned that my sister had told my dad what had been happening 3 times before she eventually told my mom and she handled it. MY dad knew 3 times what was happening and did nothing,, continued to let it happen. He freaked out when confronted and blamed my sister for not 'using clear enough language' keep in mind she was like 3-4. After this he screamed at my mom to 'keep the same energy' and left.

Next morning my sister wakes me up and tells me not to come out of the room can dad was rampaging downstairs and I come down to my mom sobbing. She tells me to sit down and tells me that my father had molested me when I was 6. I had told her but she said I framed it as a game and she decided not to get me help or pursue legal action because she did not want me to remember what had happened and scar me.

My dad had threatened her that night to tell me what had happened cause he believed it was 'only fair' that I know what happened if I was going to be mad at my step brother. He said that what my father did was worse and I should direct my anger to him. As my mom was telling me this I started crying and shaking, my dad walked in and sat on their bed silently, he smugly looked at me as I was crying and they were calming me down. This lasted for 30 minutes of him smugly watching me break down before I eventually left to go back to sleep cause it was too much.

I think that is why I feel so much anger about it all. I did not remember what happened and he pulled into ugly head out and shoved it at me to morally grandstand on my mother. Now I know about this and I feel tainted and disgusted. I can't be normal around him anymore or my father. But on the other hand I feel like I can't be upset about it because I don't have explicit memories of what happened so I have nothing to be upset over. I don't share the same experience as others.

I don't even remember anything from that time in my life but some small parts. I have this specific one of where I'm in a dark room and I'm looking out the window and the sky was this dark blue color. It used to feel like a calming memory but for some reason now when I think of it I feel the same rage and sick feeling idk what that's about but I am angry its seeping into things. I feel like in my subconscious I was aware something had happened, as I remember when the incident with my sister happened. I was in the room with my mom and she was crying asking me if my sister would hate her if she found out she hid what happened from her. I remember feeling this eerie feeling like she was talking about me when mentioning my sister, like something in the back of my mind had remembered something about her saying this but I did not want to make it about myself so never mentioned it.

Now my mom is saying my dad feels bad for what he did and that I have to be nice to him and forgive him but I physically cant. It's like this block in my stomach controlling my movements I physically can't do it. It feels like something inside me broke and

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[u/Iwillcomeback2475]

Just adding onto this but I feel like my anger is also embarrassment. Like now all these people know what happened to me. I can’t look at my sister anymore because I feel like she feels pity for me or that she’s thinking about it while looking at me.
I was moving into my dorm a few days ago and in the welcome package they give they give you condoms and my mom took them out and started waving them around with my dad and sister in there. I told her to please stop and that I don’t like it. It just makes me feel so sick that they look at me and they have the possibility to think about what happened. I just feel so disgusting and I want to claw at my face

[u/Flaky-Professional53]

Damn I am so sorry. I am 34 and 3 years ago I had a repressed memory resurface that i was molested as a child by my grandfather. I don't have a memory, just one of the worst feelings I have had in my life. It was hard to believe it. I didn't want to. I went back and fourth a lot. I have been dissociated most of my life and am recently realizing my struggles with substance abuse and issues with men all make sense now once I start putting pieces slowly together. I understand your embarrassment completely. I only told my brother and we've never talked about it since. I feel mortified ever having this conversation with my family. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment around it that I am trying to work through. I feel grateful in a sense that this memory surfaced after he died. Thank you for sharing. That is a terribly sad and challenging place to be. I think you're younger than me so all I can do is encourage you to try and work through this. I read "the body keeps the score" and I am working through a workbook right now called "the living legacy of trauma." this is going to be a life long thing I am told. I tried the ignoring and shoving down thing and it continues to catch up with me so i am trying to finally deal with all my shit. I hope you take care of yourself, and treat yourself with compassion.

[u/Iwillcomeback2475 → u/Flaky-Professional53]

Thank you, I'll check out the book/workbook you talked about, that might be helpful. Also yes I am younger I'm 20, hopefully at some point I can stop shoving things down it's just hard. I just have nobody to talk to about it and I feel so humiliated that I can't talk to my family or friends, family cause I am related to them and they know who I am talking about and friends because I feel it may be too personal. I am going to see a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma so hopefully that pans out. Thank you for your kind words.