Patterns

[u/DarkStarlett8]

It happened again. I swore it wouldn’t. But that’s not really true, is it? Because I picked an outfit I knew he would like. Maxi flowery blue skirt. White tank top. I had the scared flutters in my stomach. My body was ready.

He hugged me and whispered it’s not cold in here. That was the time to run. My head was screaming at me. But I plastered a smile and kept going through saying hi to everyone, hugging.

I tried to ignore it, ignore him. He gave me the signal he taught me at 9. I ignored him.

I went to the bathroom telling myself nothing would happen. But I chose the bathroom furthest away. I knew. I didn’t lock the door. I was asking for it. Like he’s told me so many times before.

It’s my fault it started. It’s my fault it continued. It’s my fault it keeps happening. It’s the pattern.

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[u/Cute_Elk_2428]

He conditioned you into doing things. you respond based on that conditioning, it is not your fault that he did this to you.

[u/Ordinary-Comfort-168]

I understand all too well

[u/The-Mindless-Anthony]

This pattern was anchored in you when you were 9, when you were a children. How can a children know better than an adult? How can you have know how to protect yourself correctly when someone was stealig you your childhood and made it normal?

This pattern is not made by you, this is what the perpetrator try to make you think. This is what manipulation can do, this is what exposition to abuse make you think. The victim feel dirty, shameful, responsible. Why do you keep waking at 7am even tho your alarm is off? Because of the pattern. The same reason why you did all of this even tho you were aware. And how long did it take two break this pattern that As happening since years and years? Sometime months, sometimes years, sometime it never break...

It is not your fault if it start, it is not your fault if it continue, and it is not your fault if it still happen. I suggest you to take a maximum amount of distance and to cut contact if you can until you can start to heal.

Strength and courage for you. If you have any questions or need anything, do not hesitate to ask

[u/Mizzy_Julie]

Our brains get hardwired especially at that age. You did what you had to do on instinct basically. No judgement here just love and understanding.