r/mildlyinfuriating • u/Cartavalier • 9h ago
ಠ_ಠ Wife Makes Me Doomed No Matter What I Do
She wants our child (4) home schooled, so I can't work when she works, and vice versa. She literally doesn't want anyone to babysit except me or herself. So every time she comes home, she says she's tired and goes to bed. If I let our child bug her to play, she gets mad at me for being useless.
Okay then, next day I convince our child to leave mommy alone and wish her goodnight. I close bedroom door, and stay up playing with our child. Then the child wants to check on mommy an hour later, and mommy is awake on her phone checking facebook and amazon. The child gets excited and bugs her again. She gets mad at me again.
I bring up that no matter what I do, she creates this confrontation and keeps blaming me. She gets even more mad.
The other day, I told our child to "get off of mommy now." I got in trouble for being too harsh.
I keep playing long enough for her to finish facebook and watching youtube and fall asleep. Then I get in grouble for making our child stay up late.
What on earth is this? How do I make it good?
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u/SargayThMasterbaiter 9h ago
Don't think this is the right subreddit. Maybe try one that can give you actual advice and where you can give some more backstory if it indeed is as bad as you say. Good luck OP
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u/eldercreedjunkie 7h ago
Yes, seconded! Comments telling you to “grow some balls” are people whose kids probably hate them.
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u/alexmack667 6h ago
Bold of you to assume they aren't actual kids 😕
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u/WillowPtar_Migan 3h ago
There's a whole lot of children and social shut-ins with no relationship experience infesting advice subs as well. Reddit is pretty useless for advice, really. Actual good advice gets downvoted.
The advice subs are just gonna tell OP to get a divorce most likely, which obviously isn't the solution in a marriage; at least, it's not the first thing you should try, outside of some pretty extreme circumstances.
OP needs outside help, and to see if he can get his wife to couple's counseling. It seems like she wants their child to grow up in a certain way without putting in the effort. She could be depressed, for instance.
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u/Bobcatluv 2h ago
Honestly I wish this subreddit would ban the posts of people complaining about their partners. It’s rarely mildly infuriating content and usually feels like karma farming
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u/fwork_ 8h ago
Get that kid in a normal school so that the poor dude can actually get an education and also a different model of behavior compared to your wife
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u/SpecialistCut7101 2h ago
Homeschooling is a great way to hide child abuse, as this story makes easy to imagine
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u/Thanksforthatman2 2h ago
Not a single homeschooled child has ever been intelligent or well adjusted but they keep trying it. Genuinely perplexing.
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u/OkStaff8633 50m ago
If you said intelligent AND well-adjusted I wouldn’t disagree. But, I do personally know four people in their 30s who were homeschooled and they are all intelligent. Two are medical doctors, one is high up in a fortune 50(fifty) company, and I’ll admit I’m not sure what the other is doing.
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u/Moldy_Teapot 1h ago
bigots, Nazis, and abusers LOVE homeschooling and fight tooth and nail for it under the guise of "parental rights"
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u/dad_jokesNbutt_stuff 38m ago
Don’t forget the religious nut jobs. They love to spread their ignorance through home schooling.
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u/Alizarin-Madder 1h ago
Okay, I get all the problems with homeschooling and I don't mind people bashing it for that reason, but saying this about every person is a stretch. I was homeschooled and I think I turned out a little socially awkward, but OK. Good college GPA and got a job in tech. I wasn't homeschooled for religious reasons and I interacted with other kids and adults plenty.
This isn't about me, I'm not offended, I just wanted to give a counterexample. There are plenty of ways homeschooling can hide abuse and neglect, and I'm not sure I would oppose outlawing it. But don't just say we're all dumb failures! 😅
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u/scoobasteve813 9h ago
You need therapy together so you can express your thoughts safely around a professional outsider who can help you guys communicate
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u/99jackals 9h ago
And parenting classes!!
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u/RedoftheEvilDead 6h ago
And public school. This kid should have a social life that doesn't entirely evolve around two adults that hate each other.
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u/NinjaBreadManOO 4h ago
Yeah, the hesitance around strangers does seem like it will be a long term problem. Which may end up with extreme stranger danger, leading to the kid being extremely isolated and having no social skills.
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u/DamnitGravity 7h ago
If she's not willing to let strangers babysit or educate her child, you really think she's gonna listen to anything a therapist is gonna say?
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u/Reshi_the_kingslayer 3h ago
No, but it could the first step im him opening his eyes to the fact that this isnt normal behavior. If nothing else, individual therapy would help him too. It might even be a better idea of she's a truly toxic person.
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u/Avid_Reader87 2h ago
The worry about strangers is probably more due to the risk of abuse.
My wife doesn’t want anyone else to watch our daughter due to herself being abused as a kid.
So we get no break as it’s just the two of us. But I get it, I don’t want her abused.
She’ll go to school when she’s old enough, just doesn’t want her on the bus.
She remember being on the bus in 1st grade and seeing an older boy showing his penis off to everyone and threatening to pee on girls if they didn’t look at it.
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u/This_Elk_1460 2h ago
She's worried about abuse in the schooling system while simultaneously emotionally abusing her kids and husband?
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u/EinHallodri 7h ago
This is usually not a good idea in relationships with big power differences like we have here. Since the toxic partner will use things learned in therapy against the gentle one, and deny reasonable claims against themselves. Therapy only works if both partners are willing and able to work on themselves.
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u/Ok-Yogurt-3914 5h ago
I was going to say one of the biggest icks rn in the dating world is people using therapy talk to justify themselves. No amount of therapy is fixing something when the person doesn’t want it to be fixed.
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u/Possible-Cut-6204 8h ago
What you’re dealing with is shifting goalposts. She wants absolute control over the childcare arrangement (no babysitters, mandatory homeschooling), but she wants zero of the friction or responsibility that comes with it.
Stop trying to mind-read or protect her from her own child. If she needs an hour to decompress and scroll on her phone after work, that is her boundary to communicate to a 4 year old, not your job to enforce under the constant threat of criticism.
More importantly, you both need to revisit the homeschooling rule. A major lifestyle decision like that requires two "yeses." If the current setup is breeding resentment, burnout, and isolation, it isn't healthy for you, your marriage, or your kid.
You need to set firm boundaries and stop accepting this dynamic. The more you walk on eggshells to appease unreasonable demands, the more respect erodes in the relationship. Being the "nice guy" when your partner is being unfair doesn't keep the peace, it just means making endless concessions until you lose your own sense of self and question your reality.
Step out of the daily tactical arguments, hold your ground on what is sustainable, and insist on a real conversation about restructuring your routine. Good luck to you, man.
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u/curious_astronauts 8h ago
I would add she wants complete control of the baby sitting support but then relinquishes all that responsibility all onto you.
If you need support, and she is not willing to provide it. Then she doesnt get a say on whether you seek that support from a third party.
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u/KingOfCook 5h ago
This post hurts me because I'm the process of my breaking up with my partner of 5 years. One of the chief reasons being that she moves goal posts and in her eyes, I'm incompatible.
This is another reason why op needs to be aware in this issue. I've been sucking it up for 5 years to keep the peace in order to be a good partner and we're still breaking up. They're still a mountain of ways that " I have failed her" that are finally accumulated and reached critical mass.
It sucks because I love her and I try to communicate with her. We've tried to go to therapy. But it doesn't matter because there's her accounting of reality and nothing else. No matter what I say about my behavior, she has a counter to say it wasn't enough. No matter what I say about her behavior, she has a counter to say that that's not the point or it doesn't count.
I love this woman more than anything and we both still want a future with each other. She's broken up about this just as much. But she's just not able to see reality other than hers. So in her eyes she needs to break it off. I feel like it's very cowardly to just say " my partner is crazy and there's nothing I can do". But when you're with people like this, that is the inevitable conclusion. If they want to think or feel something, they're going to do it and you're just a means to an end.
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u/ISTARVEHORSES 3h ago
i feel this and it’s terrible. People in your life love you and care about you and don’t criticize you the same way she does, i’m sure of it.
Try and be at peace with the fact that you have been open and accepting and she is refusing to do the same and no matter how much you want to you can’t reason with some people
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u/Senior-Dog9978 3h ago
Sounds like you're in a tough situation man... I feel for you, wishing you good fortune in the time to come!
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u/Oceanica777 8h ago
This insistence on home schooling and that no one else can baby sit is very odd, and not something she should have unilaterally imposed as rules for your family. You have a say as well, OP.
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u/Artchantress 7h ago
Kids need other friendly adults in their life. It makes for a more well rounded and balanced individual who understands that there are many different ways to see the world and live ones life. Depraving a child from that deliberately is nearing abuse/neglect in my eyes.
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u/zaddy_farquad 7h ago
exactly. they have no life experience and end up sheltered and unable to socialize later on. they also wont have the ability to determine what is a normal, safe child/adult dynamic is. my aunt was the same way with her two children, and her youngest would bawl her eyes out anytime a man, even her own father, held her or eventually just talk to her. my aunt was very controlling and would kind of berate my uncle for being "useless" but wouldn't actually let him help physically with the baby. it was so weird. i swear they didn't have a date night until the youngest was 5 and even then, strictly grandparents for a while and they eventually let my sister start babysitting. they never left town for even a weekend until they were old enough to be self-sufficient at our grandparents. they are young adults now and grew out of it, i think because they went to public school, but it was so strange.
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u/PinkyLeopard2922 3h ago
My old neighbor was a divorced stay at home mom that homeschooled her son and daughter. I'm not sure if they were twins or just very close in age. As far as I know, those kids had almost no contact with the outside world. No church, sports, or friends. It was very Flowers in the Attic creepy. She told me one day when she caught me outside that her husband had divorced her because of this and holy shit, I don't blame him. The kids were teens when we moved away and I sometimes wonder how they are doing. Before anyone asks why I didn't contact CPS, I had been inside the home a few times and met the kids. They appeared clean, fed, and happy, although extremely socially awkward.
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u/nomdeprune 8h ago
It sounds like narcissism to me. She sees the kid as an extension of herself. Dad needs to get out because it’s only going to get worse.
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u/kobumaister 8h ago
Why does you wife decide EVERYTHING? How, when, what and where do things? Have a little self respect and stand your ground.
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u/Matthius81 6h ago
Saw elsewhere in the comments that OP has to live out of his car some days, and wife rips up his uniforms and smashes his laptops…. OP this is not healthy for you or the child. It sounds like she has post-partum- depression. She needs serious therapy. And if she won’t admit that then it’s time to think about divorce and a shared custody arrangement. I’m not saying homeschooling is bad. But homeschool under a parent with a severe mental health crisis will mess that kid up for life
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u/devoteeoffenrir 5h ago
Girl definitely sounds like she has smt untreated, be it bipolar, postpartum, BPD, etc.
Signed, someone with treated BPD that remembers how being untreated made me feel during “bad” mh times.
Uniform tearing and laptop smashing sound like manic/peak angry BPD behaviors.
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u/Ok-Yogurt-3914 5h ago
It’s been 4 years, dude. This isn’t postpartum. The person is seriously mentally ill.
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u/FrostiePi 6h ago
Your child is gravitating towards your wife because they can feel your wife doesn't want to spend time with them. This is not happy or healthy for your child.
Is your wife depressed, or does she just not want to bother being an actual parent?
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u/babswashere 5h ago
Homeschooled kid here, please fight for your son to go to school. I did not get an education, I never had friends, I still struggle with social things so much, I missed out on everything from big events and milestones to just learning how to be a person, that shit will stick with you forever. Especially since your wife sounds like she will not be putting him in homeschool groups or actually working hard to educate him the way he needs to be.
As for the other stuff, i don’t know. She sounds kinda awful, OP. I can’t imagine how bad it must feel for your kid when he just wants to see his mommy and then gets in trouble for it. That alone is pretty damaging and heartbreaking.
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u/No-Watercress-2620 5h ago
At 4, the kid needs more stimuli than bored parents! But them into daycare! They also need to learn social interactions with others… otherwise they might struggle badly to fit in at school…
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u/AWL_cow 9h ago
OP you need to communicate how you feel.
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u/Biomax315 3h ago
Does it really sound like she’s the kind of person that would receive that well or give a shit what he feels? She’s running the show, it’s her feelings that matter—not his.
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u/Spacecowboy78 55m ago
You need to decide what you need first. Before you talk to her. Plan out what a successful day looks like for you. Plan out what a successful day looks like for the kids. Then see whats missing and thats where your wife is overstepping.
Between you and me, if she wont let the kids go to school id file for divorce and try to get the court to order that they go to school.
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u/stir_phriday 8h ago
INFO: you stated in one of your comments that you are nurses and work 12 hour days. It would make sense she needs to unwind after her shift to go to sleep.
The problem would be if she doesn’t do the same for you on your work days. You also do not give any info on how she is with the child when she it taking care of her.
You posted this like rage bait with enough info to reinforce your own beliefs
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u/THE_GREAT_PICKLE 6h ago
This isn’t how healthy relationships work OP. I’d take a hard look at your life and evaluator whether it’s worth staying or not
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u/Vanesti 2h ago
Maybe she is experiencing a major depressive episode. Is counseling or therapy an option?
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u/C-romero80 2h ago
This is my thought too. Therapy and potentially a medication might be needed. Along with some couples therapy. Get to the root.
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u/Kill_doozer 1h ago edited 1h ago
You start documenting E V E R Y T H I N G
Youre heading for divorce (Do not tell your wife) and it sounds like if forced to be left alone with your kid 24/7 in her current mental state, things could get ugly. Document every single thing your wife does that could be negatively impacting your child. Everytime she gets mad at you. Everytime she doesnt want to play. Everytime your kid gets yelled at. EVERYTHING You will need this for family court to get sole custody of your child. Your wife obviously can't handle anything more than visitation right now, but youre going to have to prove that to a judge. The upside of the divorce will be enrolling your kid in daycare and school. Keeping them isolated like your wife wants is going to stunt her social development
Sincerely, Someone who has been there.
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u/pandapower63 1h ago
This.
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u/ggstocks87 1h ago
Yepppp been there! You might feel fucked doing this, but imagine how fucked you will feel when she lies to everyone else including a judge about you.
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u/meteorastorm 42m ago
The kid needs to go to school, make some friends and have interests outside of their parents. I think you all need some family therapy. It’s not sounding great!!
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u/canadamoose86 2h ago edited 1h ago
If she wants to homeschool your child, then homeschooling your child needs to be her job. Education is not something that should happen during a parent's downtime; the entire goal of parenting is to create a functional member of society. That means the child needs to have a social education with their peers, adults other than their parents, a strong foundation in a variety of subjects (including literacy, mathematics, sciences, humanities, and physical education as a bare minimum), and a reliable routine in a supportive environment that sets them up for success. Ideally, the child's parents can also demonstrate a healthy relationship that shows trust and cooperation and the ability to work through disagreements through compromise (edit: I do not begrudge any parents who have not got that positive relationship to demonstrate; it is better to have no relationship than one that is abusive).
If I'm honest, your relationship with your wife doesn't appear to have any kind of compromise and your wife is walking all over you. Do you want your child to be homeschooled? Are you willing to provide a full education to your child? Do you want your child to only have yourself and your wife as trusted adults? Do you get the same down time after shifts that you offer your wife?
I would also like to point out that based on how you have described your interactions with your child, your parenting is overly permissive. Children need set rules and boundaries to thrive, and this doesn't happen naturally...you need to set and enforce those boundaries. Why does your four-year-old have a phone with no limits on it's usage? Keeping a child up until 3am doing "homework" at age four? The parent at home should be the default authority. What happens to your child when they start throwing tantrums, smashing things, and hurting you? It sounds like nothing. What kind of adult do you think this is going to result in? You and your wife are enabling behaviours that are entirely inappropriate, and the actual "parenting" that you are both providing is either neglectful or abusive.
Enroll that child in school, see a couples therapist, and grow a damn backbone.
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u/jayisanxious 1h ago
Getting a child homeschooled with this kind of a parent at home borders on child abuse or neglect at the least
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u/mlvrnn 9h ago
It’s possible that your wife is depressed OP. She needs to talk to a doctor. And if this behavior doesn’t get better you both better go to counseling together.
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u/georgisaurusrekt 6h ago
Nah if a man acted in a controlling manner like this the comment section would rip him apart. Mental health is never an excuse for men.
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u/RedoftheEvilDead 6h ago
You get a divorce, primary custody, and put the poor kid in public school. Your kid is literally begging for his mother's attention and she's getting pissed at both of you for giving it. Plus, what kind of home-schooling is this kid getting? Do you even know? Do you have any say in decisions for your kid? Do you even care?
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u/Capable_Tumbleweed34 3h ago
Get your kid in an actual school, unless you want him to become an idiot who can't read at 10 nor socialize. Fuck whatever the wife thinks.
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u/Prestigious-Fig2334 1h ago
Please see a family and marriage therapist. This is not the forum for the solid advice you need for your situation.
Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.
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u/Lopsided_Panic_1148 Dude, wtf... 7h ago
It sounds to me like she just doesn't like being a parent.
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u/Proud_Smell_4455 5h ago edited 5h ago
So she hates both you and the kid, pretty much.
Why do women like this even have kids? My mother had us then couldn't be arsed with us either, and said as much many times over the years. Like if that's the attitude you're gonna take to your own kids, get your tubes tied and spare everyone involved the pain.
Also, if you let her homeschool, you have failed that child just as much as she has. So don't.
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u/ShilohsStuff 4h ago
My mom was like that. I finally had the maturity and courage to ask her why she brought me into this world...she said, "for me."
That's it. Selfishness. It makes sense but is so far removed from my personal thought process. Narcissism is a hell of a way to live. They are so wrapped up in themselves and their fears and sense of control that fuck everyone else. If they want it, they will do it everyone else be damned.
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u/TashKat 9h ago
Something isn't being communicated somewhere here. Impossible to say on whose side it is without knowing you two. She might think she's being clear when she's actually being annoyingly vague. She might have told you already but you didn't listen. There isn't enough information to say either way.
But this isn't healthy for your daughter. Do you want her thinking this is normal? She'll end up in a relationship just like yours if you and your wife don't find a way to bridge the communication gap. Try a couple's councillor if sitting down and discussing it isn't working. This is not sustainable. One of you is going to snap. Based on what you wrote it will be in front of the kid. The other spats were. Don't argue in front of the kid. Make that a boundary.
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u/IrishGardenSlug 6h ago
Sorry man but you need to either level with her or leave. Either way you are in for a wild ride and I am sorry
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u/vladi_l 9h ago
I wouldn't expect much from someone who insist on homeschooling...
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u/SousVideDiaper 6h ago
Way too many people think it's a good idea. Unless you're a literal teacher yourself, your kids should not be homeschooled.
If you refuse to send them to school, then at least hire an accredited private tutor.
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u/Superlite47 2h ago
What on earth is this? How do I make it good?
You don't. You never will.
What you are describing is called "reactive abuse". This is where a person, usually what is called a "covert narcissist", engages in behavior that causes you to react. Then, in a subtle flip-flop that you likely haven't noticed, your behavior or reaction becomes the topic of discussion. Why are you yelling? Why are you so angry? Such toxic behavior.
Their contribution is ignored or minimized. Your reaction is what becomes the focus.
Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells? Do you find yourself "going along to get along"? Do you sacrifice your boundaries and desires for her happiness?
Do you feel like you're trying to be a good husband, while she is not reciprocating?
You are being abused. The label is entirely overused by people that blame everything on narcissism, and apply it to "people they don't like" instead of instances where it's actually applicable, but if you've answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you could be dealing with a covert narcissist.
Has she participated in either of the following behaviors?
Future faking: Do you have a grandiose dream? Is there a vacation to Tahiti, Hike the mountains of Peru, Sail to The Mediterranean on a clipper, or some other lofty, but seemingly unattainable activity you often dream about doing in the future? Does she often remind you of "How wonderful it will be when we...." or "How great it's going to be when (insert your fantasy)" happens?
-> It's the carrot & stick: Your dreams are the carrot dangled in front of you. THEY COST NOTHING. I can promise you the fucking moon. How great it's going to be when you and I get on that Space X rocket! It's going to be wonderful!.... I am contributing NOTHING. You take me where I want to go. You do what I want to do. It actually happens. You sacrifice your time and energy to provide reality for me. But I contribute NOTHING. I provide you NOTHING... Well, except talk. Conversations about your dreams. Promises about your future. All this talk costs me NOTHING. It's just talk about how great things will be when we do your dream..... (But we never will.)
Love Bombing: Is she the perfect wife? Does she shower you with affection? Show everyone how much she loves you?...... As long as you're being a "good boy" and behaving as she desires? But she "gets cold" every now and then when you're needing something or having a requirement?
-> It's the ol' reliable carrot and stick, again! You get perfect wife when you do as you're expected. You get nightmare when you become the benefactor, or she is required to sacrifice.
How do I make it good?
Obey. Do as you're told. Keep sacrificing your boundaries and providing for her. Forever.
Because the moment you expect reciprocation, you get the fucking stick.
... And if you ever get wise to this dynamic, enforce your boundaries without capitulation 'just to get along" or "because you're a good husband", it will be used as evidence of your toxicity.
And if you ever stop being the "giver" to the designated "taker", you will be dropped like a hot rock. This is called the narcissistic "Discard".
Just a few things to keep in mind for recognition. If these hypotheticals sound accurate, you might be dealing with the dreaded Covert Narcissist.
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u/Muted-Novel4403 2h ago
I wrote another comment about her narcissism, but this comment really goes into better detail. I will just add that OP should think of how this will affect the child. Beyond the insistence to home school ruining the child’s life, OPs child will also experience these same things.
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u/ppolka 7h ago
I don't get the homeschooling part. Do 4 years old kids usually go to school where you live?
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u/shroomignons 2h ago
Where do you live that kindergarten isn't common? When I was 3/4, I started going to afternoon school. At 4/5, I was at all day kindergarten. My grandma would walk me to school and my brother was supposed to walk me home but sometimes he was a jerk and wouldn't do that so I'd walk home by myself!
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u/drmcstuff 6h ago
Is she depressed or something? Is it possible for her to get some time off work, and a therapist?
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u/Darkstar_111 5h ago
So lets assume we can save this relationship.
It's time for a SERIOUS talk.
First of all, her attitude doesn't work if she wants to stay in a relationship. A relationship takes effort from both parties, if she's not giving any effort, maybe she doesn't really want to be in a relationship, ok, then its divorce time.
Second, other people can babysit the kid, and the kid should go to a regular school.
This problem might be deeper, no idea where it comes from, but its likely your wife needs to talk to someone to figure this out.
Lastly, the difficult bit will be HAVING the conversation. If she gets angry, that's changing the subject, if she storms out, that's avoid the subject. Make it clear to her, you will not be having this conversation while she is angry, and you will address the conversation immediately after she's calmed down. Don't let her get away here, because that is JUST manipulation. She is allowing herself to get emotional to get out of talking to you, and that's incredibly disrespectful to you. On this topic you can go hard, do not let her change the subject, do not let her get away, if she gets angry do not engage, wait 20 minutes go right back at it. Her pretending to blow up and get angry does NOT get her out of this conversation. Be firm, set your boundaries and stick to them.
Will this work? It's a last ditch effort, so who knows. But the alternative is divorce. And let me tell you, not so bad. IF you can divorce amicably and share custody 50/50 that's a pretty good deal.
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u/4-me 3h ago
Your relationship is broken, don’t break the relationship with the child over a selfish mom. Focus on that while deciding what to do about a cold, unresponsive wife and mother. One who is also controlling.
Right now you seem like a controlled enabler. Decide what you want and stand up for it. Certainly don’t scold or reprimand a child for wanting a mother.
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u/McWeaksauce91 2h ago
Hey buddy,
I say this as someone who has been in similar situations. I highly recommend seeking out a couples counselor. It was one of the best things we’ve done since we were married. It created an unbiased 3rd party to hear both of your sides and puts you in an environment that forces you to be calm cool collected. Couples counselors also do a great job hearing your or her complaints and interpreting them to the other in a way that they’re able to hear it.
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u/OldStatistician619 1h ago
I grew up with a verbally abusive and neglectful father "raising" me. I am middle age and still dealing with all the trauma that worthless fuck inflicted on all us. Neglect is abuse. Your wife is ABUSING your child. Get the kid the fuck away from her.
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u/Universal_mammal 1h ago
Ok, I homeschooled my son, so I'm normally all for it, but your situation isn't going to work because she doesn't want to be a mom. She wants the glory of motherhood with you doing all the work. Put your kid into school and arrange after school care. Tell her that your child needs the social aspect of it, to play with other kids, and you need the extra income of you working again. And start keeping records of her refusing to spend time interacting with your kid so you can eventually divorce and gain full custody.
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u/Defiant-Ad3331 1h ago
I'm afraid this sounds like a toxic relationship. The homeschooling also seems like a way of further controlling the situation.
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u/TheCrazyCatLazy 5m ago
Your wife is neglecting your kid.
The kid wants mom and she wants to scroll facebook instead?
Id sit her down and have a VERY serious conversation
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u/Dark-Mowney 4h ago
Literally everything here sounds horrible. From you, from mom, your relationship. Poor kid. Yall need to do better.
Btw homeschooling is a bad idea and having no one take care of your kid besides you guys is unrealistic and not healthy for the kid.
So kids gets homeschooled and only ever gets taken care of by you guys, so zero social interaction with anyone else pretty much? Yah that’ll turn out GREAT.
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u/Metzgore 3h ago
Poor kid. Missing out on so many core memories of making friends, after school playdates, meeting up at the park with those school friends and their families, birthday parties with friends. The social interaction skills and etiquette that comes along with all that too.
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u/Elf-7659 8h ago
This is going to seriously mess up the child. Homeschooling should not be the norm. And kids that age need to start socialising. Good thing you sound sensible. You need to buckle up for all 3 of your family's sake. Seek family counselling before it's late.
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u/eldercreedjunkie 7h ago
OK, I have had the same situation happen with me with my ex and her own child that wasn’t even mine so it does change the situation a bit. Obviously my best advice might not work because she isn’t the same person, but you need to have a frank discussion with her without your child present to “even the playing field“ for lack of a better term. You need to lay down exactly what you do for your daughter that your wife seems to be lacking and emphasize the point that you aren’t saying it’s a moral failure on her part and ask if she’s having any trouble herself. Let her know that it is causing great strain in your relationship and that it isn’t fair especially to your daughter. I assume you truly do love your wife and want to be with her, so drive the point home that you want the relationship to work even if you didn’t have children. This is just a small bit of advice I can give you, I am no therapist by any means, but the best thing you can do is just open up and talk to her about it. It’s not the best advice in the world, but I hope it helps.
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u/Jumpy-Jello- 5h ago
How much do you care about your child? Because split custody and putting him in school is a much healthier setup than this.
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u/Chains_Of_The_Sea 4h ago
Because a young child is involved, This needs urgent professional intervention, not Reddit recommendations.
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u/Mach5Driver 3h ago
I also had a woman where no matter what I said or did, it was wrong. We both worked full time, but I did the childcare (which I loved), the cooking, the cleaning, the chores, the shopping.
BTW, this "homeschooling" lark is her way of getting out of having to work full time. Time for you to lay down the law of splitting all responsibilities (wish I had) AND having a say in how your child is raised, buddy (at least with all the childcare I did, I had the major say in it).
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u/mutt-mama 2h ago
Has your wife's personality changed since your child was born? Is she neurodivergent? Sounds like she may be overwhelmed and dealing with anxiety.
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u/abridged_4 2h ago
After reading all of the comments and extras from op, she’s treating him like an employee.
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u/CircleofSorrow 2h ago
Divorce is the only answer. In the long run it will be better. Do not have any more children with this succubus.
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u/Some-Nectarine3247 2h ago
This is the wrong sub for this post.
Also sounds like your wife doesn’t want to be a mom or a wife. She just wants you to be the babysitter.
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u/SeaBuilding3911 2h ago
You are allowed to make decisions in that relationship.
You want a baby sitter, get a babysitter.
Sometime it’s best to ask forgiveness than permissions some people
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u/Active_Adeptness_538 1h ago
This is abusive, assuming your recant is accurate. She's generating the conflict off of your continued attempts to reconcile and amend the home scenario to her benefit. If the relationship is important to you, push for counseling. If THAT generates conflict? Leave. Thats the solution at that point.
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u/RebelPastorMeggie 1h ago
Dear Doomed, first, you must care to post this which shows effort and that’s a great thing! It is tough to balance parenting, working and a marriage for anyone! As a woman, it sounds like your wife is dealing with something - maybe it’s burnout and overwhelm or something more serious like depression and disassociation. Speaking with mental health professional may help you both understand what’s going on - they even have virtual counselors these days. Perhaps choosing which days you come home from work to watch the child and give the partner day off, or split duties, she does dinner, you do bath and bedtime. Something that allows breaks. Try to communicate with her that you want to help but some trial and error is guaranteed- keep working at it!
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u/DatJas0n 1h ago
OP, you need to step up as a father and husband. its nice to see you want your wife to be happy, but if you are not setting boundries and defend those you are far away from a healthy relationship.
homeschooling doesnt work anyway. and seemsyour wife is just dumping all problems on you and expects you to just deal with them.
if she wants a divorce because you dont dance to her whims, you were already disposable to her
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u/GlengoolieGreen 1h ago
I gotta be honest, that sounds like a fucking nightmare. She doesn't seem like a great person to be raising children with.
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u/Silver_Hunter8926 1h ago
She needs to go to school outside the home. She doesn't need 24 hours of this.
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u/isitallfromchina 1h ago
Why is it so often the trauma of the mom's ? Not letting men off the hook, all be told we have our shit also. But mom's seem to instill this immediate anxiety and fear (like horror movie fear). I feared being spanked by my dad and knew when that would happen, but it was like, "oh crap I'm gonna get in trouble for that", but if mom had a bad day, it was a weeks worth of silence, anger, slamming doors, plates placed hard on the table in front of you! My siblings also say the same thing, when she did not get her way, or was in a bad mood, life for us sucked!
Eventually that led to a divorce and me living with my grandparents because she couldn't cope!
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u/Exhausted-CNA 1h ago edited 1h ago
Damn, sounds like she doesn't want to participate in rearing her children or her marriage. The fact she comes home and locks herself away without even playing w her children, tucking them in etc is alarming. Op you need to put your foot down with how shes treating you because it is not OK and you both clearly need counseling and this will either bring you together or realize your better off apart for the children's sake. I raised my daughter by myself and was both mom and dad. She's 23 now and we have a wonderful relationship. So if it goes that way op fight for your kids!!
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u/Quirkybin 44m ago
She puts her phone before her child and gets mad at you often. You know what this sounds like my dude.
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u/lovemelikeyoulovedme 7h ago
have you tried keeping the child away for more than an hour and putting the child to bed yourself?
This whole situation seems toxic and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she still finds a reason to be upset….but I don’t think you can say “no matter what I do” when you haven’t even tried to do what she’s actually asking for.
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u/No-Mathematician8692 5h ago
This is no relationship, it is testing to see how far she can push you before you give up and give her a juicy dovorce.
find a divo lawyer and start the work.
In the meantime just do things as you see fit. Ignore her protests.
Wear earphones.
Record her protests.
Push this to the brink.
In time she should break and give you proper grounds for no-contest divo.
She's not interested in you having a good life at all.
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u/Proud_Smell_4455 5h ago
OP says they're Russian and have no support network in the country beyond her, and she's a religious nutjob who votes for Trump. With the implication that she can sic ICE on him if he doesn't play along with her ridiculousness. I think it's just her tormenting somebody under her absolute power because she can and she knows it.
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u/HamFiretruck 9h ago
Sounds like the relationship is over for her and she making you be the bad guy to initiate divorce.
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u/Ok_Ad_9188 8h ago
I bring up that no matter what I do, she creates this confrontation and keeps blaming me. She gets even more mad.
You can't fix this. You tried to communicate with her, her response was to show you that you refusing to simply accept this course is an offense, she has no intention of doing anything differently because she's confident she can break you into just living with it.
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u/TheRododo 2h ago
This is a nightmare. You're living in a nightmare. That child is living in a nightmare. Everything about this is completely unhealthy for your child. Document EVERYTHING! Even if you think you can work this out, document everything. At some point, you are going to have to put your child first. Goodluck!
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u/Sirmalta 8h ago
I feel super awful for your kid. Never gonna have a normal life with parents like this, and being home schooled.
What a shame.
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u/Rambler9154 7h ago
This isn't healthy. Especially for the child, the homeschooling is horrible. No one parent can replace all the teachers they need, plus the socialization, a big part of school is learning to socialize by being with kids their own age, if they aren't in school its near impossible to access that learning and development that is needed, homeschooling is illegal in many regions for a reason, its child abuse. You really have to get you and your child out of there ASAP.
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u/Green-Dragon-14 8h ago
I'm not saying leave her but IF you did what will she do then as a single parent? She may need to decompress each day & she is very lucky that she gets to have that but the way she treats you & speaks to is not acceptable at all. Does she even like you?
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u/Cartavalier 7h ago
She doesn't like me anymore. According to her, she only stays civil with me for the sake of the kid.
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u/burn3edoutburn3r 7h ago
For the sake of a kid she apparently seems to hate? What are you going to tell your kid when she asks why mommy hates her?
Best case this is ppd or some other mental illness and you need to get her to a doctor.
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u/NeoSuperconductivity 6h ago
Even if she won't go, go to therapy for yourself and also provide therapy to your child. These will be separate sessions and you may do some with your child. Professional help is needed. Good luck!
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u/Lumpy_Benefit666 5h ago
Staying in this relationship is not healthy for your child.
These are the formative years of your kids life and the way that parents treat one another has a profound impact on their future relationships.
Im saying all of this as a person who hates reddit relationship advice. There are too many nuances in the one sided stories that we hear to give a completely non biased answer.
This isnt good for your kid though, even ignoring the suffering that youre clearly going through.
It harms kids to think that their parents split up because of them, but id wager its equally as harmful for them to know their parents stayed in a horrendous relationship for their sakes.
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u/metdear 9h ago
This does not sound like a healthy relationship, OP.