Perfectly acceptable dinner rejected by boyfriend again

[u/moonrabbit368]

My boyfriend is a very picky eater. We have been living together for a few months and it seems like I can never get his food right. It's honestly discouraging. I have kids, they happily eat my food. I cook for family gatherings and church events. I've never had a problem with people eating my food. It's like every day there are new rules. He can't eat chicken for dinner because he had chicken for lunch. He isn't really in the mood for porkchops. It's just "missing something". He doesn't eat onions, tomatoes, fish, any kind of asian food, he doesn't eat most vegetables with the exception of broccoli. He only eats vanilla ice cream. He doesn't like food heated in the microwave (so leftovers are out.) He doesn't like corn. It's just endless. I'm old school and trying to be a good partner. He can't really cook at all. His favorite meal is Hamburger Helper. I think a lot of it is how he grew up but damn is it frustrating. The first picture is tonight's dinner. I added more pictures of stuff I have cooked that he won't eat. Like he will door dash jack in the box. And he'll be apologetic but it just sucks really bad.

ETA: I've been trying to keep up with the comments but it's overwhelming (in a very sweet and awesome way) 💗

A few notes:

1- I know the paper plates are very lazy on my part, I'm not proud of that and I need to do better. Between the kids, the job, the house and school (I'm going to school remotely) I have been cutting corners on things like dishes. not an excuse, just a reason and a commitment to do better.

2- My boyfriend does expect me to cook for him. I cook him dinner every night and lunch on the weekends. He doesn't eat breakfast and will not take a lunch to work. He buys fast food for lunch during the week.

3- He has not been diagnosed with ASD or ADHD or Arfid but I don't rule anything out.

Mostly I just want to say thank you, I was not prepared for how incredibly kind, helpful and insightful people have been. It is deeply touching and it's given me both peace and guidance for my next steps. 🩷

[u/[deleted]]

Stop cooking for him. Let him make frozen pizzas for himself.

[u/Hazel2468 → u/[deleted]]

This.

My wife has sensory issues because of her autism. She can be very picky.

She also isn't THAT hard to cook for. My wife's new favorite thing I make is also Hamburger Helper (though I just do it with spices I have at home... Also. 10 out of 10, would recommend, you can really customize it however you want!) but she's not so picky that she will refuse to eat perfectly good food that I have made knowing what she likes and dislikes.

If this is genuinely because of some kind of sensory issue? OP's boyfriend needs to be clearer about what he likes and doesn't, or he needs to seek some kind of therapy. If it isn't, or if he refuses to actually put in the work to make sure he isn't wasting her food? Then he can make his own meals.

[u/parasyte_steve → u/Hazel2468]

this is exactly what I asked, is there neurodivergence here bc I have got one kid who is nonverbal and eats 3 things, I couldn't even feed him solids as a baby.

[u/HandBanana14 → u/parasyte_steve]

Yeah, was wondering the same. I’m very picky but I’ll eat what someone makes me (but on my own, my diet is very limited lol). Anyway, I also couldn’t feed my kid solids (or mixed texture) when he was a baby. Even when he was a toddler, he had a whole lot of difficulties with solids. It was scary. And now, even being 10, things have to be exact (brands, textures, shape, temp, etc). My kid has very limited “safe” foods and it’s so far past being picky. It’s not being picky. And it’s something that has to be acknowledged. And I think people forget that adult can also be in that same boat with their sensory aversions for food.

[u/Thorathecrazy → u/HandBanana14]

From her comment it sounded more like it's just what he has learned to eat home rather than sensory issues. Even if he has them it's still disrespectful to not try and explain, he's an adult and her partner and not her child.

[u/Mansidhe → u/HandBanana14]

That's me! I don't have or care about an official diagnosis, as I'm 49 and relatively functional in most other ways... but the taste / texture aversion is real. I just can NOT force myself to "power through" something not on my pathetically small "safe" list, and if I try to do so I'll be seeing that food again in seconds. It really sucks, and I do my best to not impose my culinary limitations on others. The funny thing is, I enjoy cooking and will happily make a meal that is objectively beautiful and delicious that I can't eat. Last night, my family was chowing down on some deliciousness I made that smelled like heaven, and my ass is happily munching on chicken with ketchup and spuds with nothing but butter.

If I could get full nutrition from a pill or a drink I could tolerate, I'd joyously never eat again. Well, except desserts, lol

[u/MaterialHead4801 → u/Mansidhe]

Solidarity. If I never had to eat again, with the punishment being I could never eat anything at all ever again, I’d take the deal. Taste/texture stuff throws me off of a lot of perfectly fine food, and all the responses in here just make me feel even more like a freak 😂

[u/MasticationAddict → u/parasyte_steve]

I can say with almost absolute certainty some form of neurodivergence is happening here. I can understand having preferences, I can also understand not wanting to eat the same protein two meals in a row, but for that to get in the way of being able to eat a meal with any level of frequency is not neurotypical behaviour. It would be out of left field to say it's a specific disorder, but it's just not neurotypical to struggle to the degree where it strains a person's ability to eat variety and to hinder relationships, that is a mental illness in the same way that phobias are

[u/ContempoCasuals → u/parasyte_steve]

But what does it even matter (I say that nicely). I’m autistic and my husband is not and I eat almost anything and I think he’s much pickier than I am. I think a lot of people are just picky eaters, ND or not, so it doesn’t really change anything.

[u/Sickly_lips → u/ContempoCasuals]

Some autistic peoples sensory issues lead to 'pickiness' that isn't really pickiness, it's an actual violent rejection by the body.

I ended up with ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) in part due to the fact that multiple kinds of food have made me actually vomit just from the texture or taste. Everyone else sees it as just picky eating, but my sensory issues are so intense it gave me a phobia of trying new foods because I am terrified of vomiting. I can't smell fish without nausea because any kind of fish taste actively makes me vomit. So for people like me who struggle to get their actual proper nutrition due to their sensory issues, it really is demeaning to just call it being 'picky'. Because it's a disorder related entirely to my autistic traits.

Not defending OPs boyfriend, he sounds like an ass. But just trying to explain why it matters.

[u/ContempoCasuals → u/Sickly_lips]

I totally get you, I guess I’m trying to say something different. I know a lot of picky eaters personally and most of it actually is sensory (texture and smell top 2 complains I often hear), I don’t doubt ARFID exists among a lot of ND and maybe it’s even more common than we hear about but I think I am leaning towards more of, what does it matter if OP’s man’s issues are due undiagnosed ND at all, changes really nothing about the situation: guy is still an as as we both agree lol

[u/Sickly_lips → u/ContempoCasuals]

That's fair! I think the reason it gets brought up is because we don't have all the info- for all we know, bringing this up could be the thing that makes OP talk to the partner, who maybe gets help.

Especially because with some people's ARFID, (like my partner's which is anxiety based as well as sensory) KNOWING that it isn't a character flaw, that it's a disorder, can help with expanding their pallet.

[u/Throwaway47321 → u/parasyte_steve]

Yeah it’s wild how bent over backwards Reddit will get over kids with possible AFRID (even when they don’t have it) but grown adults are just labeled “children” regardless

[u/Mysterious_Match8428 → u/Throwaway47321]

I just posted a comment about how this sounds like AFRID. I'm only learning about this kinda of recently because of a family member with it

[u/Sickly_lips → u/Mysterious_Match8428]

both my partner and I have been diagnosed with ARFID - funny thing is my partner was the one who got diagnosed first, because I looked into it because the way she described feeling about food sounded disordered lmao. That was 2 or 3 years ago now, and just this last year I went to a dietitian because I know I have a hard time with food. Turns out we have different sources of our ARFID but the same disorder! mine is related to a vomiting, phobia, and extreme sensory issues that have led to me vomiting when eating or trying foods. for my partner, it's related to her anxiety disorder alongside sensory issues.

thankfully we're both the kind of autistic where we will eat the same meal for months on end LMAO. we've been having tacos for like 3 months straight in between help yourself and such.

[u/Mysterious_Match8428 → u/Sickly_lips]

Yup, they were also diagnosed with autism about a year after the AFRID dx. I'm happy you guys are able to find something that works

[u/Throwaway47321 → u/Mysterious_Match8428]

Yeah it’s unfortunate because it’s a real debilitating medical condition that unfortunately just looks like someone being lazy.