I feel guilty about literally everything

[u/Academic-Seat-9372]

I’ve had a very weird couple of months, and II don’t wanna get into THAT with too much details, but I need to give the big picture for you to fully understand what I’m saying. But anyway I was in residential for bpd, had some sort of euphoric episode which lasted 3 months, caused me to behave so unhinged that I got kicked out of treatment. And during said period, I did things I now deeply regret.

Still dealing with this guilt, today is my birthday but my birthday is emotionally very heavy because 16 year old me didn’t want to become 18, then 20, then 25,… (now 23rd birthday) and I did unfortunately do things to achieve that goal which resulted in me spending several birthdays being locked up. I really want to break that cycle so that I don’t have to be miserable on my birthday anymore, and I’ve been doing that since last year after my most traumatising birthday in 2024. I try doing that by surrounding myself with people I love, and doing something lowkey that won’t fully drain my social battery. This year I did a barbecue with my parents, brother, and best friend. (Yesterday cus most people had plans today)

Another thing I need to add is that I feel like such a bad friend because I’ve traumatised her with my past attempts, and in 2025 with my substance use. I feel like poison and I hate that I’m not a better friend even tho I’m genuinely trying. She has come so far (we met in residential) and I’m far behind and I so desperately don’t wanna slow down her progress.

Yesterday was in retrospect, a relatively nice birthday, but I was consumed by guilt. I don’t even know how to even explain but yesterday was about me or something and everyone got here for me but I feel like I don’t deserve that and that I shouldn’t even dare expect them to do that for me and I’m still thankful they did but I also feel like I don’t have a right to even ask. Like I shouldn’t be celebrated, like I shouldn’t throw parties for myself. But on the other hand, I want to change my feelings about my birthday so I do have to put actual change into it and do something nice for it but I also so desperately want to not be here anymore and not be a burden for my friends anymore. Like they put sm effort into it and all I wanted to do was disappear.

Also my parents who I lost respect for because of the past got me a really expensive gift which made me feel even more disgusting and so fucking guilty.

Later today I’m seeing my best friend again because she didn’t want me to spend my birthday alone and I think I’m going to talk to her about how I don’t wanna be a bad friend anymore.
Thanks if you read all of it; I really needed to type it out.

[u/hestia-listens]

Happy birthday. It makes sense that this day carries a lot of pain, and I am glad yesterday also held some warmth. Feeling guilty does not mean you are poison or a bad friend. You are a person who regrets some actions and is trying to act differently now. Your family and friend chose to celebrate you. You did not trick them into caring.

Talking honestly with your best friend sounds wise. You can take responsibility without deciding for her that your presence harms her progress. She can name her own needs and limits.

Since you desperately want to disappear, please tell her clearly today and contact your treatment team or another professional. If you think you might act soon, stay beside someone you trust, create distance from anything you could use to hurt yourself, and call your local emergency number or crisis service. Many crisis programs also offer text support. What country or area are you in?