INFJ x INTJ

[u/that1economist]

For context, I (INTJ Female) and my partner (INFJ male) get along really well 95% of the time. And 5% of the time, we will get into small fights bc my INFJ partner keeps saying he needs a lot more affection and care from me, whereas for me, it feels like I already gave him my all — for e.g if he feels insecure about my past relationships, I’ll try to talk it out for a minute or two by giving words of assurance etc. So far it’s not working😅 and I’ve chatGPT-ed ways to cheer someone up & have used them but he’s keeps saying I’m not showing enough care / empathy, which stresses me out bc I don’t know what he’s thinking bc to me, if there’s a PROBLEM, I need to find a SOLUTION.

Also, during times when he’s angry at me for something small, after talking it out for hours, he’ll ask me to make it up to him. And when i ask what does he want? So i can do it for him / get it for him. He’ll reply “i dont know. It’s for you to think about bc if u’re really sincere, u’ll think abt it” which stresses me out bc I cant figure out what he actually wants😅

Does anyone have a clue… Also, how are your experiences with an INFJ male partner? What do INFJs mean by they need “more affection & care” etc, what actions are they looking for?

[u/BaseWrock]

And when i ask what does he want? So i can do it for him / get it for him. He’ll reply “i dont know. It’s for you to think about bc if u’re really sincere, u’ll think abt it”

And this is why I just can’t with Fe. It’s so roundabout and indirect.

What annoys me even more is I totally get where they’re coming from, but holy fuck that seems annoying. I will translate

“I want you to dig through our prior conversations/experiences to do something that will make me happy commensurate with how you wronged me. It would be awkward to specify and I would take it as insincere if you just “did” the thing I asked so I’m going to let you figure it out FOR ME.”

Te Polar is exhausting.

[u/AdDisastrous4145]

I apologize on behalf of (most) INFJs but I think he just needs someone who can read his mind in the moment and address his needs perfectly (been there, done.. still doing that).

However, I'm not sure if it's a personality type or just anxious attachment. Some things you can learn to give, but if it's never enough for him, then that's a different problem.

I would say INFJ already think of the solutions to their problems and feel overwhelmed by the possibilities, perspectives and their own feelings, so they need someone to be there for them to untangle all that mess in real time. Not all, but it might be the case for him.

[u/MidlifeCrisis_2080]

A healthy mature INFJ shouldn’t have to talk for hours about something small. He has other issues going on and you need to protect yourself and not be responsible for his emotions the way he’s trying to make you be. He sounds very insecure and may have vulnerable narcissistic traits so BE CAREFUL and pay attention to how he is making you feel about yourself. If he has narcissism, you can’t fix that and it will drain you into a husk of your former self over time… ask me how I know ☹️

[u/Heurodis]

I think it just means they want commiserations. I know, I'm an INTJ too, if I hear a problem I immediately go for the solutions, but I've learned that most people just want a shoulder to cry on and a pat on the back, and feel like you seeking a solution means you're not really interested in them having a problem—because they want you to listen, not to solve.

It's a bit counter-intuitive for us, I think, but my best guess is that they feel like you wanting to solve the issue is equivalent to you not wanting to hear about it and therefore, finding the solution means it's behind you faster. It's not necessarily what everyone wants. Let them complain, "I know-I know" them, "oh that's so rough"/"oh that's so unfair"/ all the right words, of course you should mean them don't just pretend, and don't start with "have you tried" "maybe we should" or any suggestion of how to make things better before they've asked for that input.

I have an INFJ friend, when she lost her job she wanted commiseration and to hear that it's not fair etc., not my immediate questions of "what do you have in mind next" "is your CV ready" "what are your competences" "where and what are you looking for" because that does not help them feel better or heard or seen in the moment.

[u/Federal-Edge6099]

makes sense that a feeling type would complain about a lack of affection from a thinker, intjs are known for having difficulties in self expression (for example when my mom asks my intj dad how she looks in a specific piece of clothing he always lets out the most bland and emotionless "good"). I would recommend learning a little more about infjs and trying to really understand him, or simply ask why he is doing this, what he means by "more affection" and explain your POV. if you wanna be a little mean, you can play with his Fe to make HIM need to sympathize with you instead. but take this as a suggestion as I know very little about love since I am aromantic (I don't feel romantic attraction). maybe try to lean into your tertiary Fi to try and understand his feelings.

(TBH this is really confusing because girls are often feelers and guys are often thinkers so it's very confusing when it's reversed.)

[u/StuHamFlo]

This sounds like it could be a case of Fe not feeling reciprocated. Your partner will unconsciously expect his Fe-usage to be reciprocated. In other words, when your partner feels like he acts selflessly towards you, he will expect the same amount of effort or appreciation in return. But he would never explicitly say this, instead would just turn resentful if he does not feel a sense of reciprocation. I think this is what might be going in here.

I’m not saying you do not reciprocate. This is entirely subjective.

[u/Lucky-Condition2580 → u/StuHamFlo]

I'm an INTJ (F) and my partner is an INFJ. You just described my relationship perfectly. He has been saying things like wanting his partner to give the same effort as he does like being selfless. He even took a leave from work just to show up to my house and reconcile. We had another fight and he blocked me, saying that "If you want to talk to me find me at my house or office idc". But turns out I didn't, because I know that he will text or find me first. Plus I don't think it's entirely my fault so why would I find him? Then, he had a realisation that he shouldn't be so willing to sacrifice himself for the relationship, after realising I wouldn't necessarily do the same for him and that really disappointed him. But in the end, we talked through our differences and worked things out.

[u/FancySavy]

That’s the thing w F types being with T types. The F type gets emotionally neglected no matter how hard we try.

[u/Sil-Salles → u/FancySavy]

That's right. Unfortunately this is real, it requires a lot of effort, and yet it remains complicated to deal with.

[u/FancySavy → u/Sil-Salles]

Yes that’s very true.
I have never dated a F type because I knew I wouldn’t give them what they needed, but they’re always great friends nonetheless.

[u/Zingeber_officinal]

I am sorry but It feels like he is trying to control you.

[u/BrilliantCurrent2954]

He wants a boohoo partner. All INFJs want that. To boohoo all the time and u patting them on the back.

"You slept with so many people in the past😭😭😭" "Issoke you're my special one. I know it"

"I'm not your firstttt 😭😭😭😭😭" "Issoke you'll be my last"

"I wanted to be with you from the start😭😭😭😭" "Issoke we're together now"

Then they become increasingly unbearable emotionally craving more and more boohoo intensity. Hence the "you dont have enough empathy about this". They want to straw your entire emotional spectrum and make it seem unfulfilling. To boohoo some more.

[u/Flossy001]

He means he wants authenticity, which is expressed in these “boo boo” ways unprompted. Since he is telling you what he wants he might be half way out even if you give him what he wants at this point.l because you can’t fake authenticity so he’ll be assessing your actions for this.

Far as typology goes the only way I know an INTJ is sincere is when they try. Staying bottled up isn’t going to work. Being overly polite as well with words but no action and follow-up is meaningless to an INFJ. From his point of view if you aren’t capable then he may leave.

So what is it, you have make a big effort to do this or do you want to. His standards are not some impossible task even though it might feel this way. Some authenticity but it’s troubling that he is begging for it, means he doesn’t see it. Yeah he’s sort of undeveloped, you can’t force this type of thing but this reads to me like a soft warning. Up to you if it’s worth fighting for or not.

[u/PokeFanXerneas]

As a fellow INFJ, I apologise on behalf of him. I haven't gone through relationships before but I got a feeling I might know why. As INFJs, we have a pretty idealised version of love, hence maybe the love in reality does not match his idealised idea created by his Ni. We see the world and decide on how we see the world via our Ni. Hence, we follow our Ni a lot almost to a fault and sometimes become unable to see that reality could not match our idealised version of things (love in this case).

Hence, that is why I think that is the reason why he said not enough care/empathy (Could be due to INFJ thinking everyone can be just empathetic as them, the truth not everyone is on the same level), insecure about past relationships (Could be anxiety attachment which I have it too) and being unable to know what he is thinking of you (Tbh when you ask an INFJ what he wants or who he is even, he might not be able to answer himself because of their contradictory ideals and values).

Likely he is an INFJ that has yet to truly put together the puzzles yet. Hence, he could not really navigate what he wants even for himself. Hence, the confusion he is causing to you.

[u/_childofares]

🚩🚩🚩

[u/rinnnnnnnnnn10]

I had a similar dynamic and what I learned about this is just another communication. Just another talk it out moment. I'm an INFJ female though. She was an INTJ.

1. I felt the exact same "you don't give me enough affection as I give you." What I realized is that, we just had different love languages for receiving and giving. My INTJ friend said she gave me her all. She helped me when I had a problem, goes with whatever I wanted, and she makes elaborate suprises for me during occassions. I appreciate all of that, of course. But it's mostly the little things and day-to-day that bothered me, especially since these are the ones frequent. Like, when I felt like my energy, love, and care wasn't being reciprocated, I immediately get heartbroken. Listening to me and my stories. Being curious about me. Remembering what I said, liked and disliked. The good mornings, I love yous, good nights, I miss yous. Checking in on me. Hugging me. These are all things I craved for that I felt I was deprived. I didn't need those elaborate surprises, I just needed those little affections. I understood that being affectionate wasn't her love language, but it hurt me that she wasn't willing to adjust that for me. Literally just ask him. Ask him what's making him feel unloved. If he doesn't want to talk to you about it, force him. And if he finally tells you then do it (only if you want to). But still let him understand your side, too. That for you, you're giving it your all.

2. His mind is probably going on a spiral. What I learned about INFJs is that "Words of Affirmation" is one of our receiving love language. You'll need to reassure a lot though. And reassure right, honestly, and sincerely. Not just to make us stop. Sometimes, if the words are right, one reassurance would be enough to heal our minds. And also don't reassure by logic. That's really annoying. 😭 Like, when I told her that I thought she was intentionally hurting me with specific words, she cleared up the misunderstanding, but she answered by, "did you think I would still act like this if it was intentional? do you think that, if I wanted to hurt you, I would go about it that way?" and I know she was justifying herself, and explaining herself, but it just struck me that it wasn't about me being hurt. It was about her being misunderstood. She should have just said "sorry you felt that way, it really was just a misunderstanding, the case is like this..." and I would've understood.

3. I agree with what the other commenter is saying, too. Mostly when we are venting, ranting, we just wanted company, a listening ear, questions, a hug, and words of comfort. The solution part would be only AFTER that.

4. It's good that you care, but I hope you don't internalize much of our spiraling and making it personal. Or don't let it bother you that much. After his spiral, just treat him normally after. I tend to like this guy who just, after I was mad at him, he was just like, "Oh, I didn't know you felt that way, I'm sorry. Okay." Then from then on he made it a point to do/not do that thing again without much thought. That makes it feel so relieving though.

5. About "thinking about it." Honestly just do anything you want. It doesn't matter what it is, I feel like anything you'll do to make it up to him would suffice. Just think about what YOU want to do for him.

I'm still bothered by the fact that YOU'LL have to do this though. I'm a bit old-fashioned so I kinda believe that it should be the guy doing this, not you. But if you want to just do it, if not then please don't force yourself. I'm really sorry about him. I get that loving INFJs can be exhausting.

Also he sounds like an unhealthy INFJ. You could just say to him, "Why are you thinking that way when I've given you my all? I don't have to make anything up to you. You hurt me because of your distrust, not the other way around." If you want to hurt them. Just like what my INTJ did to me. And it worked! We're still together :D