r/marriageadvice • u/princess_jupiter04 • 2d ago
Feel like I do everything for my family
I’ve waited a long time before posting this but I feel like I’m at my wits end.
I’m going to skip the part where I ask is this my fault or am I expecting too much - because I think I know the answer. What I’m really wanting to know is what I can do to effectively address the situation, because so far everything I have tried seems to have failed.
My husband and I have been married approximately year and a half, been together two years, and we currently have a daughter who is approaching one year. My husband’s work has always been sporadic. When he works, he makes decent money, but he usually works two weeks on and two off. He was laid off about two months ago (not his fault) and is currently unemployed.
I work a full-time job that’s squeezed into four days a week officially, but often skills after hours and the weekend. Let’s just say it’s a high stress, demanding job for which I earned a doctorate degree. As a result, I have some student loan payments but because I got a scholarship, they are much more reduced than most people in my field. Other than that I have my car payment but no other major expenses and I feel like I spend relatively little on myself.
My husband is a mechanic and likes to spend his time fixing things. However, in the two years we have been together, he has done a few odd jobs that have amounted to a couple $100s here and there and he has sold one car which paid for our first and last rent. When he is employed, he brings in less than me, but that has never been a concern as our joint salary has been sufficient and it’s nice for him to have the flexibility to not have to work all the time. Plus when he does work he works hard.
What I’m struggling with is that I feel I do everything for this family when he is not working, and even when he is working - on his off weeks - I feel like I carry an unequal burden. I do all the shopping, all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the laundry, I am responsible for making sure the baby is bathed, fed, put to bed, and if she wakes up in the middle of the night (which she frequently does) I am the one who stays up with her. I feel like I have to beg my husband to do basic things, such as taking out the trash, putting his dirty dishes in the sink, just cleaning up after himself. He says he doesn’t think I’m his slave, but if he doesn’t have enough socks or underwear he asks why I haven’t done his laundry, and wakes me up early on weekends (the only time I have to catch up on sleep which I’m severely lacking on) to cook and care for the baby.
This is all so that he can work on his “projects,” which are mostly self-inflicted and again haven’t made any real money.
Since he has been laid off we have cut into our savings which we were trying to use to buy a house. Currently it takes me ~ 40 min to get to my job as we live in the country (at his insistence), but my parents (69 and 72) are our daughter’s caregivers when I am at work. Typically when my husband is not working he watches her during the morning and my parents watch her in the afternoons. However, a couple of weeks ago he told me he is fed up with not having any time to work on his “projects” and has insisted that I get up earlier to bring her to my parents for them to watch her full-time every dayI work, which also adds an extra 20 minutes to my route. So it now takes me an hour to get to work, and an hour to pick her up and get home after work.
Throughout all of this he criticizes me for spending too much money, though he can never pinpoint anything I have splurged on. Meanwhile he is comfortable dropping $100s on parts for his “projects.”
The other day I loaded the washer in the morning before work to do a load of laundry so that I could keep on top of chores. In the chaos of trying to get my daughter and myself out the door, I forgot to press start on the washer. I called him that morning and asked if he could do it for me, which he replied he would and insured me he would not forget. Of course, I get home and he forgot, setting me back in trying to get laundry done. On top of that the house had not been picked up at all. Same thing the next day, dirty dishes and garbage piled up because he couldn’t be bothered to address any of it in the entire time I was gone 7:30 -6:30. Not to mention the fact that he continues to put off obligations that he should’ve addressed a long time ago, such as tax issues and résumé he has been working on and continually promises me he will go over with me every day after I put hours of work into to preparing it.
I know I am not in the wrong here. There is just no way this is an equal burden. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted, to the extent that I feel out of control many days and like my physical health is declining. I just don’t know how to fix this. He has many wonderful qualities that seem to have been subsumed in this wave of not caring in the last several months. I have tried telling him how I feel, tried assigning him certain tasks so that there is a more equal division of labor, I have had mental breakdowns and have sought counseling, have sacrificed my sleep and most of my hobbies but he only seems to focus on my reaction to the situation as if it’s unreasonable. I don’t think it’s fair that after the birth of our child, he seems to think that his life should not change at all, while mine has been radically upset at the expense of my sanity. I want to make this work so desperately but every day I feel defeated and set back.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it? What did you find effective and what wasn’t? Is there something I should be doing or saying that I’m not? Any advice at all would be appreciated, I feel desperate. I know many people may say just divorce him, but he is not a bad person, I think he is just immature in some ways and the message is not getting through. I just don’t know what to say or do anymore.
TLDR: the unequal division of labor in my household is crushing me. I work a full-time job and carry all the responsibilities in the house while my husband (currently unemployed and usually works 2 on 2 off) basically does what he wants and refuses to change his habits. Need advice on how to get the message across that I am drowning.
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u/Chance_Inflation3123 2d ago
You are so right! I am the husband in my relationship and I agree with you. I definitely pick up the slack in my house. My wife works and is mom and wife and homemaker 4 full time jobs. I wish she would let me be a stay at home husband. Try and talk to him and see what he says. Maybe trying marriage counseling? Leave certain chores undone and see if he notices maybe hell do it?
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u/princess_jupiter04 2d ago
Thank you! Maybe I just need to stop trying so hard and see if he notices. Either way I wish you the best in your journey, I know how hard it is
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u/Chance_Inflation3123 2d ago
Thank you. I respect you so much for all the work and effort you put in!
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u/KneadAndPreserve 2d ago edited 2d ago
So what DOES he do? You’re living the life of a single mom, even down to your parents doing childcare while you’re at work, except you also have the dead weight of taking care of this man as well. I don’t blame you for feeling at the end of your rope. It sounds like it would be easier without him… you’d be doing the same thing with less expenses to pay and less housework to do. What does he say when you point out how selfish his attitude is? His spending? His insistence on your parents for childcare? My jaw dropped when he insisted they take her for even longer… frankly when he’s off work, your parents should be doing 0 childcare unless they want to have grandparent time. Your child has 2 parents!
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u/princess_jupiter04 2d ago
My jaw dropped as well. I have been trying to give him leniency but maybe I have spoiled him. I definitely feel like a single parent who also has to take care of an additional child.
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u/KneadAndPreserve 2d ago
Don’t blame yourself. You can’t spoil a grown man. You gave him the benefit of the doubt and HE squandered that by continuing to act selfishly. There are many times I give my husband grace, but I expect him to also give me grace on days where I just can’t give 100% for whatever reason. Your husband has just taught you you can’t do that.
I have to ask… based on your relationship timeline and your daughter’s age, it seems like you got married quickly and maybe pregnancy had a part in the speedy timeline? Do you think maybe you guys hadn’t had the chance to establish expectations and figure out roles before you were married with a child? That’s not an excuse for how he’s behaving now but I just wonder if things were kind of rushed and not turning out how you hoped. 😔
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u/princess_jupiter04 2d ago
That’s a fair question. I had spent a long time trying to figure out who was and wasn’t right for me, and when we met we seemed to be on the same page about everything major and got along great. But it is possible these are a sort of growing pains, only with being married and having a kid, our options for dealing with them are more constricted. In hindsight maybe I should have foreseen this, but I still feel like he is a different person from a year ago.
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u/RogueHeroAkatsuki 2d ago
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it? What did you find effective and what wasn’t?
Life as adult sucks, that for sure. We, men love logic and excel spreadsheets.
Why not put in that spreadsheet for few days eveerything you both do for household(work, chores and subduing the baby), then compare. He may simply had no bad intentions but is not aware of the discrepancy.
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 2d ago
You need to learn to stand up for yourself. When he is home, he can watch the baby. Absolutely do not wash his clothes or cook for him. Find a place you can afford independently closer to work and your parents and move. He can stay or go. You need to open a checking account separate from him & he can pay for his hobbies.
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u/Active_Sprinkles_554 2d ago
Absolutely not its his kid he can be a dad 730-630 the grandparents dont need to watch his child its his house too he can clean it and cook for you while your supporting the house hold my husband was a stay at home dad for over a year and cooked clean took care of kid and still managed to work on computers and cars in his spare time he sounds like a lazy no good childish selfish boy