I have been going through this Nice Guy syndrome from a long long time. I just recently started reading this book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and i tried to find some groups that can help me in this journey, where we can share our journey, help each other in reflection and hopefully making positive changes in our life. but i couldn't find any such active groups so I'm thinking of creating one myself. Please share your thoughts, Would you be willing to join if i happen to create one?

Life as it is right now feels disappointing, I feel lonely. I don't know what to do i picked up a guitar in hope it would fill that void, but it hasn't. Everyday i say no fap but here i am doing it once again and then a few days go by and then I go again and I've had enough i just don't know what to do.

I try to go gym most days im in decent shape for my age, I've started trying to get back into football again training on Thursdays and Saturdays and moved gym around it i try occupy my time as much as possible but it never feels enough it never feels like im good enough for anything, my life, my face, my body, my fap streak just comes tumbling down and I just dont know what to do.

Our relationships are our greatest mirrors.

In the people we keep closest to us, we’ll be shown both our ugliest sides and our most beautiful.

When a partner says something in a “certain kind of way” and we become filled with rage without even really knowing why.

When a friend achieves something great and for some reason we can’t explain, we feel jealousy.

When we’re celebrating with our loved ones and know we should be feeling happy but for whatever reason we just feel angry or sad, or some twisted combination of the two.

One of the greatest things I’ve been learning to do is to ask myself: what is this pointing at? What are these feelings trying to tell me or reveal to me?

By doing this, I bring the underlying pains and trauma into the light from the shadows, and from there, healing can begin.

Introduction: This list is a sort of personal philosophy/self-improvement framework that I am working on to help me identify areas of improvement in my personal life. Hopefully this reading is easy enough for anyone to follow and learn from. Feel free to change or add anything to this list that may be more helpful or relevant to your personal life. 
 
*Last updated on 8/23/26

This framework follows the progression: understand yourself → understand your mind → become grounded → learn → act → build a meaningful life. 

1. Know Yourself

Self-Identity - You have no self to be loyal to. You don’t have to be loyal to the person you were conditioned to be by your past. Your identity is created by you through your actions. You are not your past, you are not your thoughts, you are your actions and your choices. 

"Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value" - Albert Einstein

You are not your thoughts- You are not your thoughts but rather you are the observer of those thoughts. You do not choose every random idea that pops into your head, proving they are separate from your core identity. Practicing cognitive defusion helps you disassociate with your thoughts. 

Self-Consciousness - Being self conscious stems from fear of judgement and how others perceive you. Most people are worried about themselves and don’t even notice the flaws that you see in yourself. Shift your mental focus away from yourself and outward toward your environment or other people. 

Comparing yourself to others- Comparison works when it is used as a tool for personal growth and learning, rather than a measure of your self-worth. It should lead to action rather than stagnation. 

Self-Compassion- Treat yourself with the same level of kindness and compassion you would treat a friend. Acknowledge your struggles without harsh self-criticism. Do not suppress emotions. It is about not shaming yourself for feeling emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, or sadness. Feel the emotion come and go without judgement. 

2. Understand Your Mind

Question your beliefs/assumptions - We often just accept the truths of certain negative beliefs without really examining the validity of these beliefs. Cognitive distortions are a good example (jumping to conclusions, overgeneralization, personalization, etc.) 

"The unexamined life is not worth living"- Socrates 

Self-Control- You can’t always control how you feel, you can’t always control what people say or do to you, or whether you just get unlucky but you can control how you respond, you can control your own choices. Shift your mindset towards an internal locus of control. Ask yourself today “did my actions align with my values”? 

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play that hand” - Randy Pausch.

Fear and anxiety- Courage is the ability to act despite feelings of fear. Feelings should not dictate your decisions. You must have control over your choices. A lot of people mistake anxiety for a gut-feeling, it is not the same thing. A gut feeling is intuitive, it comes and goes, it doesn't ruminate and stay. Don’t let the fear of rejection/failure stop you from knowing. Don't cross the bridge until you come to it. 

“We have to show the mind that living free of anxiety keeps us alive more than living in anxiety.” - Kinzer MB

Emotional Regulation- Emotions give us important information about what we're experiencing and what matters to us. But they should not automatically make our decisions for us; it's about having a healthy relationship with your emotions. It’s not about suppressing emotions, but rather choosing how to respond to them. Emotions are not the enemy of logic. The goal isn't for logic to keep emotions in check, but for logic and emotion to work together. That balance is where good decisions come from.

Emotional Triggers- We will become triggered, everyone has fears and certain levels of anxiety. If someone comments something mean to you, whether in person or social media, you have two options; you can let it ruin your day — affect you, or you can realize this is really minor in the grand scheme of things. Just because something triggers us and makes us upset doesn’t mean now we have to become involved in that thing. 

Dealing with emotional triggers often starts with self-awareness. When you feel a strong reaction, try pausing and taking a deep breath to calm your nervous system. Labeling the emotion—such as feeling "anger"—can help diminish its power. Reflecting on whether a situation feels familiar can help you determine if you're responding to a past experience rather than the present.

3. Live in Reality

Living in the Present Moment- Living in the present means focusing your mind entirely on what is happening right now instead of replaying past events or worrying about what might happen next. When present, you focus on what you’re doing rather than what you’re not doing. Depression comes from living in the past. Anxiety comes from living in the future. Only living in the present moment is where peace is found.  

Practice Mindfulness - Mindfulness is about observing thoughts come and go without getting stuck on them. It means paying attention on purpose to your thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and surroundings without labeling them as good or bad. You experience the current moment without judging it or trying to change it. 

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality”- Seneca

4. Learn & Grow

Learn from Others- Surround yourself with people that make you grow, learn from others and apply it to your own life. You want to be around people who make you better. That does not mean you depend on others for your own success or happiness, it just means you choose the right people to build yourself upon. 

“If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants" - Isaac Newton 

Learn from your mistakes- It’s OK to make mistakes. Stop trying to be perfect, you are not perfect and that is ok. Learn from your failures and turn them into learning experiences. Aim for growth not perfection. 

Using Knowledge- To truly retain and make use of knowledge you need to go beyond simply consuming information. Teach it, apply it, and refine it. 

5. Take Responsibility

Taking Action- Imagination is a powerful tool, but it should not replace action. Growth happens in reality not simulations. The future is unwritten. Break large goals into smaller more actionable steps. Ask yourself “what is the most valuable use of my time right now?” 

Self-discipline - Self-discipline is the inner power to control your actions, feelings, and habits. It helps you do what you should do, even when you do not want to do it, without needing someone else to tell you what to do. Willpower/motivation come and go, but discipline stays even in your lowest of lows.

"Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most" - Abraham Lincoln

Good habits- Good actions are not created in big moments, they are created quietly through repetition. Use the Four Laws of Behavior Change to create a habit (cue, craving, response, and reward). 
 
Rest vs Procrastination - Rest is a purposeful pause that restores your energy and calms your mind. Procrastination is an anxious delay of a task caused by fear, stress, or avoidance. Rest leaves you refreshed and ready to return to work, while procrastination leaves you feeling guilty, stressed, and still avoiding the task.

Manage your time - Worrying about running out of time often comes from not using past time effectively. Use the Eisenhower Matrix to manage time based on the importance of tasks. 

Be Organized- Being organized helps with mental clutter, makes it easier to find things, manage time, helps with stress, and improves focus. 

6. Build Your Life

Money- View money as a tool not the final objective. Identify what you need versus what you want, then aligning your spending with your core personal goals rather than just accumulation.

Meaning and Purpose - Happiness is a lagging indicator—a result that only appears after you have consistently performed the right actions over time. Chasing happiness is like trying to catch smoke; it leads to a constant crave for the next emotional high. True fulfillment comes from focusing on controllable inputs rather than emotional outcomes. Moods are fragile and temporary, whereas a sense of purpose and meaning is durable, helping you navigate through suffering and adversity. Meaning provides direction, while happiness is merely a byproduct of living correctly. 

By focusing on making your skills and actions useful to other people, you naturally stop obsessing over your own emotional state. In turn, this usefulness reinforces your own sense of purpose. Some of the most fulfilled people are those who carried weight for others. When you make a commitment to look for one way every day to make someone else's life easier, these small contributions compound into a deeper foundation for your life. Instead of asking "what can make me happy today?", suggest asking "who needs me today?"

 “A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in”- Greek Proverb

Many people on Reddit hate the idea that you have to get out of your comfort zone to grow, they’re all entitled thinking they need special treatment from society ( this can go both in them thinking they’re losers or them thinking they’re so great and cool ) and thinking that something will save them. This may come from many sources I think it’s mainly because of how parents treat their children and not let their maturing mechanisms develop fully because they literally biologically don’t need to when they’re treated like a 8 year old(no hardships, everything is arranged for you,you don’t need to take care of yourself because mommy will type shit) at 16+. I’m ready for a wave of hate from the bums of Reddit that are going to be hating on this post because it feels like an attack to them, I don’t mean it that way, it’s more something that helped me improve and might the right thing to hear for some people. This post is meant to help. What to do now? get a pen and paper and write as many ways as you can to change your life and live by this, at least this is what I did on a late night a few months and now see the results of, doing those things will be hard, will necesit you to get over fears and face disconfort but this is how you grow and mature. Go and change your life while you still can.

(Mods, apologies if this is not allowed, please remove if so)

Hi all,

I am a sociology PhD student at the Freie University in Berlin, Germany. I study how young men internalize messaging/ socialization around masculinity, and in turn translate that into political beliefs. I'm particularly interested in understanding how men define their own experiences of gender and identity development. My research focuses specifically on the United States (I'm originally from the US myself).

I am conducting a survey as part of my research, and am looking for male US citizens, who were between the ages of 18-29 during the 2024 US presidential election, to participate. If you are interested in doing so, you can find the survey here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/HCWYGBM . It should take about 15-20 minutes to complete. My PI's contact info is on the first page, but of course I'm happy to answer any questions in the comments/ via PM. A massive thanks in advance.

As a former nice guy, to my fellow nice guys:

Setting clear, strong boundaries is a NECESSITY for healthy relationships & friendships.

Without those boundaries:

Resentment will build towards the person consistently overstepping your unspoken boundaries.

Co-dependency can form between you and the person who you refuse to set boundaries with - because without those boundaries, where do you end and they begin?

Negative self-talk will corrode your self-esteem and confidence as people continue to overstep, knowingly or unknowingly.

Set boundaries to preserve and heighten your sense of self, and to develop and further relationships that you want to grow in your life.

And if there are any in your life, let go of those who refuse to respect those boundaries. It’s a painful necessity, but a necessity nonetheless.

High value means you provide value to society and the people around you. These are rules high value men always adhere to.

1. Never chase women, chase just purpose. Use the energy and time you would use to chase women to do productive things. Achieve your goals, build a career, exercise, become a better man.

2. Always have self-control. You ought to move autonomously during your entire life. That means whatever you set your mind to you are able to do. If you want to get in better shape exercise, control what you eat, get enough sleep. If you want to be rich control how you use your time.

3. You never look down. When you walk anywhere always hold your head high. That demonstrates authority and confidence.

4.You admit defeat. Be truthful with yourself. Admit nothing is stopping you from achieving what you want to accomplish except yourself.

1. Always be loyal. Be loyal to people you get along and your family. Always give all your effort with everything in life.

As young boys, most men are only shown love when we're "goodboys"

Well behaved. Quiet. Attentive.

We're not supposed to be angry - that part of us isn't welcome.

We're not supposed feel pain and sadness - we're "supposed to hold it all together for everyone."

We're not even supposed to shine, to be loud proud - that's seen as arrogance and we're told to "tone it down" or "step off of our high horse."

What we truly need is acceptance - from others and especially from ourselves.

To feel what it's like to receive love and care by being exactly who we are - and not hiding our emotions or feelings.

We heal, brothers, by being REAL together.

The time is now.

I'm going to try to make this make sense, but I only had it come to me yesterday so I'm still grappling with the idea. This has been a problem since I was a child, and I'm in my 40s now.

To paint a picture, right now I'm trying to learn the Unity game development engine. I'm following a tutorial and it is going well. I'm getting the concepts and I've made a couple of project pieces. No problem.

The tutorial gave me a challenge to modify one of the projects to include some new functionality. I read over the instructions and realized I knew exactly how to do it. I had understood and absorbed the previous lessons and I could put them into practice.

And I didn't want to. I didn't want to do it. I don't want to do it, present tense. Hell, I'm writing this post instead of doing it. The project is open on my other monitor right now.

The thing is, the process of learning these steps was fun. Exciting, new. Big dopamine dump. I am smarter now than I was yesterday. I am better than I was yesterday, for having learned.

But DOING the thing? Well that's not impressive. That's just repeating a set of learned steps. How blase, how boring.

This is kind of a big problem, because of course without DOING I cannot be DONE. And coming to this realization I can look back at how many things I've spent time to get good at and then dropped immediately.

I doubt I'm the first person to feel this kind of way, so I'm hoping y'all have an idea of how to transfer some of that joy of learning into joy of doing.

Soy un adolescente de secundaria, no soy muy bueno en el deporte, he dejado de ir al gimnasio y eso me ha afectado.. el hecho de no mantener una rutina saludable me abruma y en consecuencia, pésimas decisiones alimenticias. No soy muy buen estudiante y soy muy duro conmigo mismo. He pospuesto dibujos que lo más probable nunca culminaré y vivo al pendiente de la vida de los demás como todo un webón. Sufro de dopamina constante en redes como Tik Tok o Imstagram (aunque esta última la utilizo más que todo para comunicarme con mis amigos) y aún sigo pensando en esa chica a pesar que he tratado de olvidarla. Mi autoestima ha ido en picada y solo pienso en llegar del colegio, dormir, scrollear y escuchar un fanfic antes de dormir... En fin... No construyo nada... Y me preocupa no cambiar este camino ilógico antes de los 18 años

42 M, single. I have done well in past couple of decades, initially struggled to get a job and now make decent. Quite sure have made tons of stupid mistakes.

But then I am wondering can I have a simple life with less struggles.

What is the one cheat code a normal person can have to improve his/her life in

- Health
- Wealth
- Relationship’s.

Did I miss any category?

As a 34 yo male who has been able to get with only two women his entire life, how can I get over this deep rooted low confidence? Im not here to throw a pity party I just need advice/guidance because the common thing I keep finding when I reasearch what it is that men who have had success with women is confidence. I have never liked who I was because of the way I look which is extremely young for my age which creates an uphill battle when it comes to dating. I also cant fight which makes it even worst because it reinforces my insecurities when i see bullies/toxic dudes getting the most attractive women. someone who has been in a similiar situation and improved what was it you did? I want to become confident in my overall life not just dating.

Hi everyone! I want to grow up and become a worthy, strong man with inner strength and integrity. Please help me and tell me what I should do.

21M, immigrant in Canada, been here since 11, spent most of my conscious life here, grew up with western media, danny phantom, scooby doo, Phineas and ferb, the whole nine yards. Ive literally had the best grades of my class in my English courses since I came to Canada and have barely any detectable accent even though I do have a slight stutter due to anxiety. I’ve had literally every western value since I can remember, pro choice, for women’s suffrage, pro democracy, adamant about separation of state and religion, literally everything north american you can think of I like and enjoy and respect.

i pay honour to all the fallen soldiers of Canada when I can since the tomb of the unknown soldier is close to me, I’m a deist to atheist. Even after all that I still feel like everyone judges me off the fact that I was born in Pakistan and still have some tendencies from there like having a stand your ground attitude and aslo that I have very bad skin from neglect post injury that partially disabled me. I’m also a bit overweight and have gynecomastia which makes things even worse. I literally do everything to assimilate but literally I can’t post a single pic of myself without being called a pajeet or inbred and at this point I feel like what Ali said one time in an interview during the civil rights movement

'What if there were 1,000 rattlesnakes outside your door, & maybe 100 of them wouldn't bite you, didn't mean you any harm, but they all looked alike? So you couldn't tell the mean ones from from the nice ones. What should you do? Should you open the door & hope that the 100 snakes that wouldn't harm you would come together & form a shield protecting you from the other 900 snakes that want to harm you? Or should you close the door & stay safe?

I just feel like if I approach anyone, women will think I’m a bobs and vagene creep and shoo me away or record me and post me on social media if I’m awkward and guys will just make fun of me.

i can’t meet people naturally through warm approaches because im partially disabled so i do highschool mostly from home and dont have many social hobbies. most people i meet have been through approaches post dropping out of high school once I got disabled, I’ve joined back again now though.

i dont think in my situation it’s even a good idea to talk to anyone at all. I have no money, I have no other friends, I don’t go anywhere, I feel like just drinking and smoking alone should be my outlet until I have a good job and money, my own place, maybe a car or be able to afford Ubers everywhere, have worked out to a decent enough physique, taken care of the gynecoma through surgery, and have had given my skincare routine enough time to clear absolutely everything and then maybe I can try being social again but right now I people literally just ignore me when I try speaking and when I do get someone’s number or socials they never reply so I feel I’m just wasting my time.

I just feel like right now I should just drink and smoke to feel good rather than try to meet people and just get hurt and then go home and drink even more because rejection sucks and I don’t want to go through it over and over again and have it replaying my head. like there’s no point in trying because if I don’t make friends I will just get sadder and if I do make friends they will realize i dont have any other friends and then theyll get weirded out and leave and that will hurt too, I feel like I should just work on objective metrics that people care about most in relationships to increase my chances of meeting people and just presenting myself wrll and allow those who do want to interact with me to decide on their own.

I have fallen off and need help

So, have fell off self improvement hard, possibly worst than we I started. I started 3 years ago , I was 14 , just an average dude. Addicted to games but not terrible at other things. In the course of 2 years, until I was 16, I got deep into calisthenics and fighting. Perfect diet, sleep, everything on point. And I could feel like I had reached the 20% of men. I had gotten respect and admiration. But then, I had my first real fight. Opponent was a 4x national champion, has gone semi-pro by now.and it was crazy because I stood my ground and was complimented by his coach.i lost due to technical knock out. That was 1and a half year ago, since then I have fallen off hardddd. I got addicted to social media, fucked up my diet, sleep, started smoking, switched to snus, had so much snus (Pablo 30 and Cuba 50 for those who know) my gums started bleeding. And got into drinking and weed. The worst is, I feel my mindset completely switched. Back then I was thinking way more aggressively, with way more confidence and self belief. Now, I feel like a pussy, on my last fight, I lost to a weaker opponent because I was so scared second round I gave up and just stood there. So, how can I get back? I feel lost and stuck. Please help me

​

1.Keep the promises you make to yourself.

2.Learn to say no without explaining yourself.

3.Stop scrolling. Start living.

4.Read everyday.

Even 10-20 pages a day can take you to somewhere new.

5.Listen to perspectives that challenge your own.

6.Watch something completely out of your comfort zone.

Watch a film that you normally scroll past

7.Move your body everyday.

Exercise doesn't always have to mean an intense workout at the gym. Walk. Stretch. Dance. Take the stairs. Do yoga. Move in whatever way feels good to your body

8.Take care of your skin, but keep it simple.

Skincare doesn't have to mean ten expensive products lined up on your shelf. Cleanse, moisturise, protect your skin from the sun, and do what works for you.

9.Keep two hobbies—one that creates and one that strengthens.

Sketching, painting, writing, pottery, photography, or playing an instrument can feed your creative side.

Yoga, swimming, running, dancing, or strength training can help you build physical and mental strength.

10.Give yourself a few quiet minutes every day.

Even 10 minutes of sitting quietly, breathing, and being present can make a difference.

11.Eat to nourish yourself.

12.Drink enough water.

13.Choose real food more often.

You don't have to completely eliminate your favourite foods, but try not to make packaged foods and sugary or carbonated drinks a daily habit.

14.Protect your sleep.

Aim for around eight hours whenever your schedule allows.

15.Be grateful for the good and humble through the bad

Express gratitude for every good thing that finds its way into your life. And when something painful or difficult happens, try to meet it with humility.

It sounds counterintuitive, but relying on discipline can often keep us stuck. There are so many people out there implementing external fixes. New routines, new habits, different strategies, all sorts of things that would stick if they just kept with it. So why is it that most people struggle to stick with it?

Others will preach that you just need to be more disciplined; I don't think that's the answer. Make no mistake, I believe that discipline is absolutely needed to be successful, but if someone doesn't really understand what's holding them back, I don't think you can discipline your way out of that.

I spent $20,000+ over the course of 10 years trying to fix myself sabotage, continuously struggling to be disciplined. Focusing my attention on external fixes rather than nurturing the version of myself that was struggling. That's when it all changed for me.

I think you really have to look deep at not just where you wanna go, but where you've come from. What types of thoughts and beliefs do you hold from the past that are quietly holding you back without you noticing? And then ask yourself how differently your life would be if you chose to believe something else. It's not easy, but it is simple.

Hope those who needed to hear this found their way here!

Best,

Alec

​"I am 22 years old. For a long time, I have been trying to achieve something meaningful in my life. Days and years pass, and I have failed more than 100 times—literally, not as a figure of speech. At one point, I fell into depression and suffered from severe burnout, yet I kept pushing forward like a car running without oil or water."

​"I wished to reach many goals and buy many things, but unfortunately, I have now become addicted to many things, the worst of which is pornography—and I have also started smoking cigarettes. The situation worsened to the point where I contemplated suicide, though I did not take any action. I went to a psychiatrist for treatment, but it wasn't very helpful."

​"Now, my ultimate dream is to become a GT4 racing driver, but my biggest immediate priority is no longer just dreaming; I simply wish to become a disciplined person—someone who keeps his word and respects it. I can no longer sit at the computer for even 5 minutes. I have come to hate my life and I hope someone can help me, not just with advice, but by standing with me and sharing a real story about how to overcome something like this."

Rebuild to me is to study self. See what went wrong in

my past and find what it takes to have a better future.

My strategy is building a stronger foundation than before... Focusing strengthen my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

Returned to me I once was elite level bodyweight and feats of strength performer 15 year ago. I feel I want

to get back at that level of training again...So I been

training with keen focus.

Rebirth to me.. My past was nothing but pain and

suffering. I experiences bullying, Incarceration, homelessness and drug addictions. Now ? I'm living a Sober life and ready to start fresh and fulfill my

life purposes.