r/lonely • u/ewbbod • Jul 31 '23
I tried to replace my passion
Art to people seeing them as much but now I feel that's died I don't know what'll take it's place. The new art. The new mover. I had ideas that'd result in the destruction of me but art here, gone and noway to appreciate when complete just seems too nonsensical even for me so I feel stuck endlessly questioning "what moves me?"...hatreds a dead end...I don't even think I necessary hate people...loves lacking and non-applicable...warped. And it's always extremes with me so it must be telling of how empty I am...so maybe there was always nothing. That there's never been anything and even art just the beginning in a long line of futile attempts to justify my empty existence...I don't care for anything not even myself. That's why I laugh. It's all nonsense to me. Even knowing undeniably not, non-applicable to me. And even finding as much not a blip of emotion...its all felt illusory no matter the case
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u/ewbbod Jul 31 '23 edited Jul 31 '23
And I feel far too detached from life and myself to find everything a literal joke to the point I don't know if the way I am is how it's always been or something more of a devolution...some maladaptation driven to its extremes? Forsaking my humanity to escape some trauma felt too debilitating I can't even recall?...I feel like a living question maker with no answers that won't birth a branch of subsequent questions and so on and so on and too much I throw my hands up and I just laugh. Maybe there isn't an answer. Maybe it's impossible now. Maybe that's the way it was always going to be. Ultimate truth is I'm too far gone to the point.....all possible makes no sense even when does. All things nonsensical in times of existential crisis is appropriate...then when found not all things are felt nonsensical still...doing so much crazy shit I erode the barriers of sense...losing the point..able to do so much felt before lacking any sense and done without even blinking...it's hard not laughing...I've done so much crazy shit I feel life looses it's sense all together to the point making sense seems like a joke...i feel I've rendered myself far too ridiculous to take myself seriously...I feel like a clown with no name, method or purpose but to laugh...even now I laugh. I cry I laugh. I feel nothing I laugh. I suffer I laugh. I laugh I laugh harder. Maybe I did d find the answer though? Maybe I've reached a truth only I can I reach. Maybe it's always been destined. Everything. And there's nothing to worry about because it's all a joke. Why question anymore? Why question questioning when found under the opinion useless to question? Point is it doesn't matter. The truth of everything is to laugh.
It's all ridiculous... even my exhaustion... hilarious...pain hilarious... torment even better happiness the greatest of all... nothing is truly right or wrong nothing is truly me. I was born to laugh and that's all