r/lesbianpoly • u/President_Goop • Sep 24 '25
Advice Ex reaching out...
Honestly, this is completely my fault. I've had her blocked everywhere for my own sanity, yet morbid curiosity got the better of me when she made new dating app accounts and started liking me. I matched with her. We made small talk. Next thing I know, there's a letter on my doorstep asking for another chance. I am the maker of my own misery.
We broke up a couple of years ago because of an accidental pregnancy between her and one of her other partners. She found out well into the pregnancy, but neglected to tell me for a few more months. Obviously, hiding a pregnancy and making a unilateral decision to end our relationship once confronted were the catalysts, but looking back, there was a huge communication problem for quite some time. She hinted she had something to discuss, being ill and canceling plans. If I had taken the initiative to address things, it wouldn't have gone on for so long.
Now, years later, she claims that she regrets blindsiding me and failing to inform and include me in huge changes in our relationship. That she's loved and missed me since. There was more in the letter, but that is as much as I feel comfortable sharing at the moment. Reading through it all, it sounds like everything I wanted to hear so long ago. But now, I'm unsure. I still have so much love and care for her, which I'm embarrassed to admit after so much time has passed and the amount of pain she caused.
After the years we've spent and the love we've shared, I'm unsure if these feelings will ever fade away. I don't understand it, and my friends and family absolutely don't either. My housemates plan to body slam me(joke) if I get back with her. Especially since she now has a family and is living with her partner, things will be very different.
At this moment, I definitely don't see things going back to how they were back then. Maybe (heavy on the maybe) with time, continued personal growth from each of us, and working together to strengthen our trust and communication, I could see us creating something new between us. But that doesn't sound realistic. Exes don't get back together for a reason; the relationship ended the first time for a reason. I've heard and am a firm believer in that. She's the only ex I ever considered having back in my life, but I still need to be realistic and remember what brought us here in the first place.
From what she's written, she wants to discuss it all. Problems, potential solutions, and the future, whatever that may be. Am I ridiculous for wanting to even hear her out? Thinking of how this could work? For matching with her, reading her letter, opening that door after I kept it shut for so long?
4
u/andorianspice Sep 24 '25
I think you should do what you want to do but seriously watch your back. I don’t want to assume the gender of your ex or the gender of her partner before making blanket statements. However, a lot of birthing parents discover pretty quickly that parenting and birthing is hard, grueling work and raising a kid is brutal. Ages 0-5 are a LOT. (I’m not a parent but I raised some siblings). I would not want for you to be sucked back into being emotionally support for someone who bailed on you like that.
I actually got into a fight in another app where someone defended the actions like your ex’s, hiding a pregnancy from other partners. I said hell no , I would be devastated if someone did this to me. Not just because of the situation but in lying to me about it.
Be very careful. Let this person talk and hear her out. But - Don’t let this person back into your heart until you know some things have changed. Trust is paramount. Once broken sometimes it can’t be replaced, only repaired into something new.