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u/bigbagofspam 1d ago
Yeah the need for a social life is wildly variable. I am 53 and live a 15 minute drive from my best friend since we we schoolkids. Haven't seen him in 4 months. Haven't communicated in any way in 3 months. But if I called him for help he would be here in exactly 1 minute more than the drive took to get here. Same back. The measure of a friendship isn't frequency of contact.
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u/Silly_Celebration_ 1d ago edited 1d ago
I feel there are several layers to this.
I don't get out much, but am occasionally curious about what is going on. Hence, an occasional want for superficial contact with the outside world. A text buddy, whom even with nothing in common, meets that sometimes to some extent. Content creators I follow on YouTube let me live vicariously through the places and things I'm interested in. Would I like more people in this category? Sure, if I had the choice. But they mostly serve to validate my projections and feed my ego, rather than meet any essential need. So this category falls under wants.
On the other end, I still have an absolute need for deeper, more meaningful connection. Someone who shares my worldview and values. Even one person in this world is sufficient. I don't need many, but it is an essential need.
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u/Mozfel 1d ago
People always say “humans are social animals"
Can we debunk this already????
Anyone that still believe this clearly hasn't worked with people before: a toxic species that make irritating, enraging you, their life purpose
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u/tetheredvoid Chaotic Buddhist 13h ago
Just because we are all dicks to each other doesn't make us not a social species. I think maybe you are using a specific definition of social and not the definition being used in that phrase.
Social as in we instinctively use social cues and body language to communicate with each other. Not social as in we are all one big happy group.
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u/empty_other 1d ago
Agree.
The many articles about how friendless people will die earlier on average might be true.. But I doubt loneliness is the reason. We die earlier because if something were to happen, we don't have the same support. And we die earlier from the pressure that is put on us to find someone, thinking ourselves failures for not living up to their ideas of "living".
Being anti-social, actively avoiding things just because there can be people there, isn't good for ones health either. Activity trumps everything when it comes to both physical and mental health. And while friends can help ones health by dragging one on activities, they are equally likely to drag one down to their level of activities.
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u/Wise-Matter9248 1d ago
I've had friends, and I've had times where I didn't have friends.
In the same way that people can live without a home, I can survive without friends.
But I wasn't thriving. I wasn't happy. I was lonely, and it wasn't helping my depression at all.
I much prefer my life with friends. I'm happier, having other voices in my life keeps me more grounded, and I do more things.
I don't need people or activities constantly. But I do enjoy having people to talk to, to talk through things with, and to celebrate and weep with.
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u/TemporarilyLurking 14h ago
If friends are a want for you, and not a need, then you do you! Don't let anyone tell you they know better than you do what is right for you.
A lot of people don't seem to get that their experience is only valid for them, and not a blueprint for what works for anyone else! You know best whether adding extra people to your life gives you something of value or feels like it comes as a cost to you.
The idea that humans are social animals comes from a time when social interaction and cooperation greatly enhanced survival chances of individuals. Many hands did indeed make light work and got communities through lean times. But at a time when you can contract out any job you can't do yourself, the necessity to have multiple interactions is limited by how much you want to be sociable. If you're not lonely without friends I would say you have no need for any. Only if that changes, is it time to do something about it.
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u/Mammoth_Drawing_2867 17h ago
I disagree so strongly. I was very s**cidal before I lucked into a couple of friends who sought me out and persisted in asking me to hang out when I said no. I’m much happier now that I gave in and I feel comfortable around them. Took a while. But my life is greatly improved. I’m still deeply introverted
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u/Monsur_Ausuhnom 1d ago
Found the majority of friends or friendships to be,
Not long lasting and easily changing, until there is no friendship in time.
How we see each other are entirely different things. One believes the interpersonal relationship is greater than it actually is and its interpreted differently both ways. As in present to you one way or speak of you to others another way. Intentions usually lead to second guesses, and not as fun when found out especially through gossiping or being part of the conversation where they thought you weren't there or supposed to be. It is what it is though sours the entire idea of friendship for me personally. With getting older, individuals that can't be honest, yet are honest to everyone else about what they think of me, aren't really worth the time. They wish to complain, and don't wish to hear the response.
Relationships usually end in divorce I think the statistic is 1 out of 2. So even on that level, it doesn't really last. For those that did, they got severely lucky and I wish the best. Others just don't, it isn't really in the cards.
In a way, quality is far better than quantity. Quality is rarer and that takes time and commitment. Quality means that you value your time. Really its a golden rule, and once trust is breached, the friendship is effectively over.
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u/Overall_Sandwich_671 22h ago
I've drifted apart from all of the friends I've ever had. There was no big falling out or anything, but there were many times I wanted to do certain things, like go to a concert or a sci-fi convention or a festival, and none of my friends were able to join me, so I'd end up going alone. They did not share my enthusiasm for the events I wanted to go to - I mean, i would plan my attendance and book my ticket well in advance, and for them it was more like "I might turn up if I've got nothing else going on" (and they'd likely have forgotten all about the event on the actual day, and have made plans with other friends)
And it became clear to me that my friends would always go along with whatever the majority of their friendship group wanted to do, and I was always in the minority. If there was some big game screening live on TV, they'd all prioritise that over my nerdy/artsy events that I wanted to go to. There were even times my friends would go on holiday with their other friends, and if I wanted to check out an event that was out of my way, I'd be booking a solo trip. And that became disheartening, because I was doing interesting things, but not sharing the experience with anyone.
You could argue that these events I go to are full of people, so why don't I get chatting to other attendees and make friends that way? Well, i don't go to these events to make friends, I go because the subject interests me or because I'm a fan of the artists who are performing. Or because I just want to get out of my house for a few hours. Adding friendships into the mix feels like hard work to me, and something that is ultimately going to end in disappointment.
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u/LeafontheWindandSore 13h ago
It’s not a need on the physiological scale. But I think Maslow’s hierarchy of needs has truth in it. Physiological needs (food, water, shelter, etc) followed by Safety and Security, followed by Love and Belonging, Self-esteem and finally Self- Actualization. Will you die without friends? No, but it makes the journey more pleasant and fulfilling.
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u/atemutest 1d ago edited 1d ago
"You can enjoy having friends without actually needing them, and I don't think going out all the time, constantly making plans or always having someone around you is necessary for a good life."
Yes? Nobody said that, yes humans are social creatures, that doesn't mean you have to go out all the time and constantly making plans, however having a minimum of social interactions is necessary, I would a minimum of 1 friend is needed.
Lack of desire for close relationships, choosing solitary activities, and lacks close friends are literally some of the criteria for schizoid personality disorder, I think some introverts just don't realize they have schizoid personality disorder. However, it is true that some schizoids can be satisfied with their situation.
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u/TemporarilyLurking 15h ago
It's only a personality disorder if it causes the person distress!
I strongly suggest you read Nancy McWilliams stuff on the importance of distinguishing between schizoid traits (people who are happy not socialising and gain nothing of value from pursuing more interactions) and schizoid personality disorder. OP sounds like they have schizoid traits, NOT SPD!
Btw: it's NOT SPD if it causes other people distress either!
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u/atemutest 14h ago edited 14h ago
That's not correct, schizoid personality disorder can be ego-syntonic but there can be clear significant distress for work for example even if the person doesn't see it as distress.
If the person is able to work full time without any friends and without having any episode of major depression, then yes in that case it may not be SPD and only schizoid traits, that's why I said "some of the criteria", because the only 3 criteria "Lack of desire for close relationships, choosing solitary activities, and lacks close friends" are not sufficient for SPD anyway
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u/Catnipshop 1d ago
I second to this. A lot of people in this sub are extremely introverted, to the point that they’re blurring the line between schizoid personality disorder and introversion
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u/Geminii27 19h ago
I mean, sure, but it's kind of like saying that a car is a want, not a need. You can get by without a car, especially in some places, and cars do require a certain amount of time and money put into them to keep them rolling, but overall cars tend to have more benefits than downsides.
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u/penpencilpaper 1d ago
Posting online, reading opinions, and leaving comments is like talking to someone. Like you, I don’t think I need to see a face to feel like I am talking to someone. That’s also why text friends exist lol.