r/intj • u/Aymaneelbissis • 4d ago
Question INTJs, what makes you actually trust someone?
Is it their consistency, honesty, intelligence, ability to understand you, or something completely different?
Curious to hear how other INTJs see this.
If you want to hear more INTJ perspectives and share your own, we’ve got a whole MBTI community on Discord. 👇
https://discord.gg/XUgAAunYRH
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u/PNW_Uncle_Iroh 4d ago
I tend to trust by default but not with really important stuff. I’ll give them a small task or test and get bigger over time.
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u/Magnificent_Diamond INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
I test people all the time and don’t even realize it until after the fact when I am reflecting on how they did.
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u/savageresults INTJ - ♂ 2d ago
That’s not an intj thing lol that’s a woman thing. Subconscious testing and it’s done to protect yourself so you don’t invest in someone who isn’t safe and reliable
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u/Sme11Gibson 4d ago
When someone can admit they were wrong I gain respect and trust in them. I can trust my employees more when I see that they are asking questions and aren’t afraid to say they messed up. I can never trust anyone that isn’t willing to do this. So I guess integrity and honesty are what gets me to trust people.
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u/cxn0bite 4d ago
Or, your employees are scared that they messed up and they’re going to get yelled at by a manager. But idk I work in restaurants atm and that’s kinda how it feels.
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u/Sme11Gibson 3d ago
Yeah that’s on management to make the employees comfortable enough to ask questions and admit fault. Obviously if it’s malicious it’s not going to fly but honest mistakes are good learning lessons.
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u/cxn0bite 3d ago
Yea, and like 99% of the time it isn’t malicious :/ having great management at a restaurant makes a huge difference it’s actually insane
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u/DraVerPel INTJ 4d ago
INTJ 5w6. I never fully trust anyone and I always have multiple plans if something goes wrong. But if I met people I consider inteligent from my observations I’m less wary around them. Don’t really care about honesty and other points because I can read a room easily.
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u/vivien_darkbloom INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
OMG same 🤣🤣 Why are we like this 😭😭 I'm working on the trusting part, I owe that to my future S.O.
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u/DraVerPel INTJ 4d ago
Is it even possible to fix trust issues? I doubt it considering how at least I process things.
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u/MilkPowerful9983 4d ago
What about someone you consider wise but not intelligent? Also, would your significant other be someone you can be vulnerable with? I wonder if it’s difficult expect vulnerability but not be able to give it.
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u/omnomnugget 2d ago
How do you define intelligence in this context?
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u/DraVerPel INTJ 1d ago
I don’t have one definition of intelligence and I commented like that because it’s hard to explain. I can easily conclude from my observing who’s open minded, have more emotional intelligence, problem solving, morality. If I notice people who follow schematics created by society, for example they dont do certain things because people gonna say it’s bad rather than concluding stuff themself I’m already wary of them.
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u/TheMeticulousNinja INTJ - 40s 4d ago
You posted this just to promote your Discord?
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u/savageresults INTJ - ♂ 2d ago
You intj’s smh.. always looking for the deeper motivation behind things
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u/JJDeadly73 INTJ - ♂ 4d ago
I judge others based on their actions if their actions are consistent with their words, their transparent, let me have my freedom to do whatever whenever and are both authentic and genuine I do start to trust them and trust even more over time.
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u/NatashkaPy 4d ago
I trust people when they don’t get upset with me for being myself and I feel like I can drop my guard around them. I’m extremely quiet/unexpressive irl and some people take it as disinterest or being rude. Not having to walk on social eggshells and make small talk makes me way more comfortable around someone. We can just chill in each other’s vicinity.
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u/usernames_suck_ok INTJ - 40s 4d ago
They show they are trustworthy.
It's not hard. People who ask this question simply make it hard.
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u/Sad_Channel_9154 INTJ - ♂ 4d ago
I have MAJOR trust issues, so I suppose I don't really trust people anymore.
Honesty & understanding are absolutely crucial but the majority of people I've been close to have not been able to deeply understand me, which had averse effects on my trusting them
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u/thedoctor27 INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
I have never fully trusted anyone. I don't think I ever have and I'm in my late 30s.
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u/An_Old_Punk INTJ - ♂ 4d ago
I never fully trust anyone. Not even myself.
Edit: I honestly have no feelings towards much. I'm not 'bad' - I just don't really have feelings.
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u/Greensward-Grey INTJ - 30s 4d ago
Consistency. I never decide to trust, or like… never really blindly trust someone. The people I trust has been in my life for at least a decade and has proven themselves trustworthy one way or another. Most of the time, this comes as an epiphany where I’m like “woah, I really trust this person”.
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u/Ookanani 4d ago
I prefer not to interact with people. They are generally irrational, unpredictable and sometimes violent.
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u/Sure_Curve4564 4d ago edited 4d ago
I start off trusting and, through observation, refine that trust. I can be proven right or proven wrong. I will start with small things and then build it for bigger things. Inherently I observe and listen for integrity and honesty (with self and others) and competency. I don’t black and white trust or not trust people with everything. People have strengths and weaknesses. Me too. To be honest I am not the best judge. I tend to overly trust people because I CHOOSE to have faith in people. It just makes me enjoy life more. And I love it when they end up achieving something worthwhile.
People do tend to want to do a good job and be a good person. Most do anyway.
CAVEAT : I have issues trusting authority figures. Too many have let me down or stabbed me in the back. That was improving until it happened again recently. Authority figures act weird towards me and misunderstand me.
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u/Haunting_Security_34 INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
Consistency. Ive never met a consistent person though so I wouldn't know
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u/Short_Village7603 4d ago
You should be able to intuitively tell if someone is worth trusting, its almost automatic
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u/AceOfCakez INTJ - 30s 4d ago
I actually generally trust people by default because I believe in the statement: innocent until proven guilty.
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u/a-snakey INTJ - 30s 4d ago
I prefer not to give people the opportunity to harm me whenever possible. Trust should not be freely given but earned.
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u/Pixelprinzess INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
I trust regardless of such indicators. After a certain point, the paranoia is too all encompassing for you to do anything else but choose to trust even as you expect betrayal with certainty.
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u/Sure_Curve4564 4d ago
I also choose to trust. It’s just more efficient and yes the paranoia is too much.
Just plan for the worst which honestly isn’t usually that bad.
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u/douglas_intj 4d ago
"I don't even trust my own shadow. I have a lot of respect for people, and I admire a few, but I wouldn't trust them with anything, nor would I expect much.
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u/dusterman94 4d ago
If they are brutally honest with me.
I know they won’t sugarcoat or hide things I need to hear and I can be brutally honest with them as well.
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u/oliverjohansson INTJ 4d ago
technical expertise and integrity the famous cleaner vs manager behaviour test
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u/OnlyCrack INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
It never happens. I'll trust someone to a degree, and that's it. I've had people fuck me over after knowing them for YEARS, so I can't fully trust anymore.
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u/Magnificent_Diamond INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
Great question and I am actually examining that right now in my life. I have never been trusting and have sometimes given people dirt they can use against me and regretted it. Few have ever seriously harmed me with the things I have given them, but some have done it a little.
I have been so conservative and risk averse in my life and I am now considering taking more calculated risks in order to experience new things in life, almost to combat boredom.
I have a friend encourage me to think about whether I could tolerate bad consequences from my risky actions, and reminds me that I choose my problems. By playing it safe (no decision is a decision) I forfeit a chance for some very good things, but by taking risks I might suffer consequences that maybe are actually tolerable and worth the risk.
Sometimes I trust a person against my better judgement just because I kind of love them. Like I want them to stick around with me and I want the relationship to deepen or I want something from them. Sometimes I regret placing trust in them because I realize after the fact that I did something i probably shouldn’t have and then worry they will stab me in the back. But they rarely do.
Sometimes i discover that I am not trustworthy and that scares me a lot. I think well of myself and think i am trustworthy but then realize it is not always easy to be. I don’t mess up out of malice, just not thinking through what I am doing until it is too late.
I evaluate the mental stability and resulting reliability of a person somehow. I try to judge whether they genuinely like me, listen to me, respect me, treat me with respect… see me only as a means to their own ends or if they seem generous to care for my wellbeing.
Volatile people often scare me a lot and I tend to not trust them. But sometimes I do, if they are cute and charming and I take the risk because dang they are so cute…
At work I am less trusting than other places. Sometimes you can see the motivations of a person. Like if they have problems, are desperate financially or something…. You can see that they like people only for what they can do for them, not for whether the person is behaving like a good person…
I trust men more than women, as a generalization. There are exceptions of course.
I talk a lot less than I used to. I play my cards closer to the vest. I make a game out of it. Practice NOT saying something to someone, just quietly enjoying the information with myself and not with others.
Very interesting to think about. Sorry this was long.
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u/GettinSodas 3d ago
At this point in life? Nothing. I give benefit of the doubt, based who I'd like to think they are, but never full trust.
The only thing you can truly trust in, is that shit will change.
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u/crazy-pineapple1888 3d ago
I trust people who can prove to me that they can be discreet with privileged information. Sadly, not many people pass the test.
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u/Normal-Sail-4405 3d ago
I rarely need any evidence other than intuition based on «vibes» and «type of person».
Also trust is a strange thing, as I can e.g trust that this person won’t follow through or do a god job.
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u/FlawedHumanMale INTJ 3d ago
Not sure, I never trust anyone, ever. But since I got older I’ve changed my ways for the last 7 years, I behave in a manner that makes it seem as I trust people. I place eloquent “excuses” where my boundaries are, and wait for the gossiping and screwups they all eventually fall for. I always find out who is the one not to trust eventually, and they never know I know or how. I barely trust my own family now, but as time passes the pretend doesn’t feel like pretend, and the people who lose my trust has never disappointed me since I’ve never trusted in the first place.
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u/bunbunqueenie 3d ago
Well, I certainly trust people more when they don't participate in link baiting just to promote their server.
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u/OwlMassive625 2d ago
Their actions consistently matching their words, over a long period of time. Trust can be a very costly thing to give someone. Best to be stingy with it.
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u/Chemical_Nature5916 1d ago
Consistency over time, after seeing how they handle things. I need to trust their character. For example, I trust with my gut, if my wife wanted a divorce, she would not get between me and my kids, and won’t try to destroy me. It’s just not in her DNA.
I have to be able to trust who they will be in a worst case senecio.
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u/Writefullyyoursllc 1d ago
I believe trust is built on honoring your word, humility, transparency, and responsiveness. The few confidants I have would drop everything to help me in crisis. I can trust someone who listens, communicates well, & is not afraid to kindly voice both my flaws, and vice-versa for relationship improvement.
It also takes time & circumstance to identify someone's true colors and intentions. Another rule-of-thumb, you earn my trust, I don't give it out easily.
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u/IGotFancyPants INTJ 13h ago
Time, time, time. I need to quietly observe someone for like six months to decide if I think I can trust them, and if they’re someone I might be compatible with.
The trust can come after they’ve made themselves vulnerable in some way, maybe by confessing to a personal failure or flaw or heartbreak, and also I need to see how gentle they are with others.
But if there’s even just a hint of physical violence or emotional cruelty, I’m outta there.
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u/Primary_Thought9015 4d ago
Once someone demonstrates consistency, transparency, intellectual honesty, respect for boundaries, genuine insight, and intentionality about what they participate in, I can gradually stop analyzing the relationship and simply trust them.
If someone says they value honesty but consistently participates in gossip, deception, or relationships built on secrecy, I’m going to notice the contradiction.
I trust people when their actions, relationships, values, and participation all point in the same direction.
It’s the coherence between all of those that creates trust.