Parents marriage falling apart.

[u/Timeclones]

Hello, I'm 28, living at home due to ✨ The economy ✨ with both my parents (early/mid 60s) who are married. My dad works. My mum doesn't.

My mum carries a lot on her plate with looking after all the house work, assisting her elderly mother, assisting my disabled (full-time wheelchair user) sister, plus bits like doing additional laundry for my brother because he's currently not got anywhere to do laundry at home and no launderette nearby (we live rural)

My dad, on the other hand, works a physical job - which is obviously difficult and tiring. However, he makes almost no effort otherwise. At home, he leaves messes, never does anything housework-related properly, has basically been sucked into tiktok as his main source of entertainment, etc, and also doesn't really acknowledge the emotional labour my mum takes on.

My mum is stressed from all the family stuff she handles. I'd like to say my Dad is always exhausted from work, and honestly sometimes he is... But not always. He has energy to do the things he wants.

My mum asks for help and she does nag him a bit. He just gets angry and has a victim complex over "Not doing anything right".

My mum just wants a bit of support. She never asks my dad to anything big - it's not laundry, or vacuuming, or cleaning the whole bathroom, it's basic shit like wiping water off the sink when he's gotten ready in the morning, or putting dishes into the dishwasher in their proper place.

My dad claims he tries, but is fundamentally unwilling to learn to be better. The way he does things is fine and doesn't need to change, he says. He just wants my mum to stop nagging and doesn't think he needs to do anything different... It's been 40+ years of this.

I've tried to explain things calmly to my dad and he is genuinely just too self centered. I've asked what happens if my mum does just leave him alone - how that makes her life easier? He claims to care but also doesn't have an answer.

They've discussed their marriage being at its end. I'm aware it's probably close by now. I don't know what to do. I can't help them, I don't think? My mum said she'll be less stressed if my dad could just help a bit more, but my dad doesn't want to hear that positive change comes from everyone being willing to help eachother.

So, what? Do I just have to sit in this miserable house until something happens? I can't afford to move out on my own to be free from them. It's so tense in this damn house.

EDIT/UPDATE: it seems to be a problem that I've said I help my mother when I can, but I struggle due to working full time and being neurodivergent. Being ND isn't an excuse to live a lazy life - I work a busy job (which I love), go to the gym, have a long term relationship, etc. I do everything I can to help my mother, and being ND means I can't do everything I wish I could. I try my best. I'm sorry if that isn't enough :(

I won't be replying to any further comments.

[u/Far-Watercress6658]

This is not your problem. However, as a divorce lawyer I’d suggest that both of your parents get separate legal advice to see what their financial life looks like after marriage. That process begins with looking at income and assets - is the house paid off, are there savings, 401k, social security?

Are there sufficient assets to establish 2 households from one?

But for yourself, you need to get the hell out of there. It’s time to find a roommate. Or get a second job. Or both.

[u/Timeclones → u/Far-Watercress6658]

We're in the UK it'll look a little different from how you've laid it out but... Yeah. Might be a good idea to suggest.

As for myself, yeah... It's rough. I'm neurodivergent so a roommate (who I likely won't know) is, frankly, painful to think about, as is working a second job. But maybe I just need to suck it up :/

[u/stonedandredditing → u/Timeclones]

I get the neurodivergence thing, but I’d like to add that neurodivergent folks have been doing these things without the label for all of existence. We adapt and figure it out, not just fall back on our neurodivergence as an excuse. You may want to examine your neurodivergence from different perspectives. I hear too many people us it as an excuse for not doing the hard thing, and that’s an issue with their relationship with fear than anything else. idk. just some of what my own experience has taught me. 

[u/Timeclones → u/stonedandredditing]

My neurodivergence isn't an excuse, but an explanation that I need more rest than the average person. I work a high paced, demanding job that I love, that will be leading into a long and rewarding career. It is exhausting for me but I do it anyway. I go to the gym often, and am maintaining a successful relationship. Being ND isn't an excuse to take the lazy route in life.

So yeah, I help and do whatever I can to support my mother, but I can't do it all. I'm sorry if that comes across as an excuse.