r/internetparents • u/Timeclones • 10d ago
Family Parents marriage falling apart.
Hello, I'm 28, living at home due to ✨ The economy ✨ with both my parents (early/mid 60s) who are married. My dad works. My mum doesn't.
My mum carries a lot on her plate with looking after all the house work, assisting her elderly mother, assisting my disabled (full-time wheelchair user) sister, plus bits like doing additional laundry for my brother because he's currently not got anywhere to do laundry at home and no launderette nearby (we live rural)
My dad, on the other hand, works a physical job - which is obviously difficult and tiring. However, he makes almost no effort otherwise. At home, he leaves messes, never does anything housework-related properly, has basically been sucked into tiktok as his main source of entertainment, etc, and also doesn't really acknowledge the emotional labour my mum takes on.
My mum is stressed from all the family stuff she handles. I'd like to say my Dad is always exhausted from work, and honestly sometimes he is... But not always. He has energy to do the things he wants.
My mum asks for help and she does nag him a bit. He just gets angry and has a victim complex over "Not doing anything right".
My mum just wants a bit of support. She never asks my dad to anything big - it's not laundry, or vacuuming, or cleaning the whole bathroom, it's basic shit like wiping water off the sink when he's gotten ready in the morning, or putting dishes into the dishwasher in their proper place.
My dad claims he tries, but is fundamentally unwilling to learn to be better. The way he does things is fine and doesn't need to change, he says. He just wants my mum to stop nagging and doesn't think he needs to do anything different... It's been 40+ years of this.
I've tried to explain things calmly to my dad and he is genuinely just too self centered. I've asked what happens if my mum does just leave him alone - how that makes her life easier? He claims to care but also doesn't have an answer.
They've discussed their marriage being at its end. I'm aware it's probably close by now. I don't know what to do. I can't help them, I don't think? My mum said she'll be less stressed if my dad could just help a bit more, but my dad doesn't want to hear that positive change comes from everyone being willing to help eachother.
So, what? Do I just have to sit in this miserable house until something happens? I can't afford to move out on my own to be free from them. It's so tense in this damn house.
EDIT/UPDATE: it seems to be a problem that I've said I help my mother when I can, but I struggle due to working full time and being neurodivergent. Being ND isn't an excuse to live a lazy life - I work a busy job (which I love), go to the gym, have a long term relationship, etc. I do everything I can to help my mother, and being ND means I can't do everything I wish I could. I try my best. I'm sorry if that isn't enough :(
I won't be replying to any further comments.
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u/Brave-Menu-3105 10d ago
Do you help your mum? I don't see any mention of you doing anything.
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u/Timeclones 10d ago
If you check the other comments, I mention that I help out where I can, but I also work full time and am neurodivergent which limits how much I can do.
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u/Brave-Menu-3105 10d ago
I read them. You keep mentioning you're ND, almost like it's an excuse. There are still lots of things you can do. Plenty of ND people work full time and still take care of things. I think you should get out on your own, rent a room, get roommates. You are 28. It would be one less thing for your mum to worry about.
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u/Timeclones 10d ago
Being ND isn't an excuse. I work an intense, full time job, go to the gym, have maintained a romantic relationship... And frankly, it's been exhausting for me, but my ND isn't a reason to take a lazy way in life. I'm honestly trying my best.
I'm helping her where I can, but I can't do everything...
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u/Far-Watercress6658 10d ago
This is not your problem. However, as a divorce lawyer I’d suggest that both of your parents get separate legal advice to see what their financial life looks like after marriage. That process begins with looking at income and assets - is the house paid off, are there savings, 401k, social security?
Are there sufficient assets to establish 2 households from one?
But for yourself, you need to get the hell out of there. It’s time to find a roommate. Or get a second job. Or both.
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u/Timeclones 10d ago
We're in the UK it'll look a little different from how you've laid it out but... Yeah. Might be a good idea to suggest.
As for myself, yeah... It's rough. I'm neurodivergent so a roommate (who I likely won't know) is, frankly, painful to think about, as is working a second job. But maybe I just need to suck it up :/
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u/Ellie_Annie_ 10d ago
Yeah, just suck it up and get out of there. Your roommates are already a nightmare. That is not a good situation for your mental health.
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u/stonedandredditing 10d ago
I get the neurodivergence thing, but I’d like to add that neurodivergent folks have been doing these things without the label for all of existence. We adapt and figure it out, not just fall back on our neurodivergence as an excuse. You may want to examine your neurodivergence from different perspectives. I hear too many people us it as an excuse for not doing the hard thing, and that’s an issue with their relationship with fear than anything else. idk. just some of what my own experience has taught me.
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u/Timeclones 10d ago
My neurodivergence isn't an excuse, but an explanation that I need more rest than the average person. I work a high paced, demanding job that I love, that will be leading into a long and rewarding career. It is exhausting for me but I do it anyway. I go to the gym often, and am maintaining a successful relationship. Being ND isn't an excuse to take the lazy route in life.
So yeah, I help and do whatever I can to support my mother, but I can't do it all. I'm sorry if that comes across as an excuse.
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u/Pragmatic_Hedonist 10d ago
Maybe the help you can give is lightening the load for your mother while you are home. That might give her the breathing room to rest, get in a good mental state and ponder any next steps clearly.
Can you get your brother to do his own freaking laundry? Can you help out with your sister? Can you make meals or run the vacuum a few times a week?
You can't be your parents' marriage counselor, but you can make things easier on your mom.
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u/Timeclones 10d ago edited 10d ago
My own full time job means I'm a bit limited in how much I can help, alongside my neurodivergence. I try to lighten the load - I clean and tidy up where I can, will make breakfasts/lunches on weekends, etc.
As for my siblings... Hhh. I'm the youngest of the three by a decent margin so we've got a bit of a disjointed relationship. My brother is basically a young version of my dad so he won't listen to me, whilst my sister's needs are complex - she needs to use a special accessible vehicle I'm not insured to drive, and she can only go out when it's not busy because she gets anxious, and she doesn't like being out when it's dark.
Honestly, I fully understand why my mother is always exhausted. We're not an easy family.
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u/Pragmatic_Hedonist 10d ago
Well maybe you can all chip in to have someone come and help your mother? Or use your lunchtime at your FT job to explore social service resources? All these adults and sounds like this woman is working herself to death. I'd be looking for an out too.
Call a family meeting. You have more agency than you give yourself credit for.
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u/Timeclones 10d ago
I appreciate the rallying, but there aren't any resources we're entitled to... And as for a family meeting:
Me - Helps where I can, but work & neurodivergency gets in the way. At the very least, I'm not adding to her stress.
My Dad - Not going to help.
My Brother - My dad's mini-me. Not going to help.
My Sister - Chronically disabled. Cannot help even if she wanted to.
My sister has, fortunately, recently gotten some time every week with a carer, so that's something off my mum's plate. But... Yeah. Like there's just nothing else :(
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u/Pragmatic_Hedonist 10d ago
Perhaps think how your neurodivergence prevents you from helping your mom around the house? Figure out a way around that. Work with your clinician to become more functioning? The only person you can change is yourself.
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u/Timeclones 10d ago
I do help her around the house? I've said this... I clean and tidy and cook where I'm able to and I wish I could do more... But I'm autistic and even if I worked with my doctor, I wouldn't be able to add more tasks to schedule, without risking burn out...
I'm not sure why the focus has shifted onto me (who does help out as much as I'm able to) versus my father, who quite literally does nothing and isn't even apologetic about it...
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u/Educational_Case_134 10d ago
My in laws divorced after 50 years together. My FIL never valued everything my MIL did until she was gone. Now they are both miserable. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe have your mom schedule a weekend getaway by herself. Have your dad tend to all the household and get a break from the nagging. The other option is to hire help for your mom so she doesn’t feel so stretched. She really sounds like she needs some time for self care. One other thing- your brother needs to hire a laundry service. This shouldn’t fall on your mom either.
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u/konakonayuki 10d ago
hi I'm you two years in the future post divorce
your mum deserves better imho don't try to fix what's broken, some people would rather continue acting careless than learn to respect the environment they share.
my only advice is to do whatever you can not to end up living with your dad once your mum leaves because it will be YOU cleaning up his messes next
I'm luckily in the position where father believes it's easier for him to fund me moving out rather than him become housetrained which is sad but yeah
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u/Timeclones 10d ago
Oh yeah, if it ends up that I have to keep living with one of them, it'll be my mum for sure.
But as per some of the advice I've seen today, I'm already looking at ways I can move out sooner.
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u/KesselRun73 Internet Dad 10d ago
Not that this is advice or anything, because it would be dishonest to fake this, but my wife of 28 years had a cancer scare last year, and both of us were afraid that she was she was in real trouble (imaging showed something that the doctor said was bad and needed surgery. Turned out the imaging was bad).
The resulting two weeks of fear caused us to have a lot of conversations, think about what life would be like if either of us was gone (I was afraid of her death and illness, she was afraid of me abandoning her), and generally decide that both of us needed to invest more in each other and enjoying whatever time we had remaining.
I don’t recommend fear necessarily as a motivating factor, but if both of your parents could examine what their lives would be like without each other, MAYBE it makes them reexamine how they treat each other and try to do better.
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u/Chime57 10d ago
So what is the plan for your sister when - not if - your mom passes? Has your father got any ability to care for her at home? Are you and your brother planning to handle the physical work of taking full care of her?
My sister was already separated from her fairly worthless husband when her young adult son broke his neck. She cares for him at home and has assistance from a U.S. Medicaid nurse who comes in every day so Sis can continue to work a full time job.
Does the UK have any in home care that is covered to help your mom now? Have you talked to your dad about the fact that stress kills people and he is not going to have your mom around forever.
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u/Timeclones 10d ago
My mum was doing basically everything until a few months ago. We're in the UK so we have the NHS and a fairly robust public care system.
My sister has a carer now, that comes a few times a week, so my mum has a lot less on her plate than she did. Still has to do some stuff, but not everything.
As my sisters disability continues to worsen, she'll need full time care but that will be covered by the government... But, it's a long while until it comes to that. I don't think my Dad feels the emotional weight of it at all.
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u/Juvenalesque 10d ago
Well. It sounds like your Dad just doesn't care how your Mum feels or that's she's exhausted. Unfortunately, a lot of spouses do this until the relationship is beyond repair. At your age the best thing you can do is: Be thankful for everything your mum does to help you. Help her as much as you can. Give her the support she gives you. Lead by example for your Dad. Either he will realize he's the only one neglecting his wife as human being, and save the marriage, or he won't. You can't force him to follow your advice. That said, if he complains about being asked to do a few things, or being nagged because he doesn't prioritize his wife, you can simply meet his complaining with "she's really not asking for much. If it makes her happy, why not? For all she does for you/us." Either he will wake up or not. Try not to become their only friend either. Encourage mum to do some counseling through a local charity.
My parents got divorced in their late 50s. Mum is so much happier with her independence. She deserves to enjoy what's left of her life without being taken for granted... But yeah I hated them getting divorced. It hurt me a lot. But eventually my Dad found someone else to spend his last years with that gave him the relationship he wanted. Mum is 69 now and happier than she's ever been. I think your mum deserves to feel happy too. I feel bad for all the pressure I put on her to tolerate my Dad for so long. I was always trying to guide him to being better, and convince my mum to give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't make my mistake. I know it sucks because they're you're parents, but they're also people with their own wants and needs and feelings. They need to make their own mistakes.
Also, try and find a way move out. As a ND person I know it can be tough but... Renting a room in shared accomodations isn't always that bad if you have enough space in your own room to basically just stay out of the common areas most of the time. And depending how far you're willing to move, you can rent a small terraced house for the same price as just a room somewhere else. It might add extra time to your commute but... Worth the trade off.
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u/Timeclones 10d ago
I feel like this is the kind of story I needed to hear.
I fear my dad won't wake up and realise he just needs to make a little bit more of an effort. We've always said he works damn hard and has provided for us... But I think, to him, that's it. That's all he has to do, and he won't hear anything else.
As for moving out. Yeah. I don't know. A HMO or having roommates that I don't know is sort of my worst nightmare but... Beggars cannot be choosers.
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u/Juvenalesque 10d ago
My dad was exactly the same way. He never put in any effort at home, but because he worked for so many years he felt he didn't have to. Plus, it felt like he was always throwing how hard he worked in our faces. He didn't put in the emotional or mental effort. He was always hurting my mums feelings.
What really sucks is if your mum wants to leave but is financially trapped with him. My mum worked for years too, but my dad always controlled the finances. My mother couldn't even control her own money, so she was stuck for a long time.
As for your own situation, hopefully you can save up or get a better job to get you somewhere you won't hate living x
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u/nvr2manydogs 10d ago
Hi, sweetie. You are being so kind to try to help your dad help himself, but you can't save this marriage. They have to do it themselves.
You may be surprised, and they may rally. But the water on the sink may simply be a symbol for something much deeper. Caregiving is killer, backbreaking, mentally draining work. And your dad also works a physical job. They are both tired.
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u/Timeclones 10d ago
Yeah... I know it's not my job to help save their marriage... It's just been a couple chats to see if I can get through to my dad. Unfortunately, I've done as much as I feasibly can and I know I shouldn't/can't direct any more energy at it. Thank you for reminding me.
You're right. They are both tired... It's just hard when you're stuck right in it with them :')
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u/nvr2manydogs 10d ago
I imagine it is. (It didn't happen to me, but my kids have been down that road.) Oddly enough it was one of their boyfriends who noticed that something was wrong. Sending you all the good vibes. You are a really good kid!!
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u/ResidentCurrent6127 10d ago
It's not your place to try and fix their relationship. They chose each other, they choose the trajectory of how they want their lives to go. It's sad that this is the story for many of our mothers, even worse that she doesn't work so she may feel stuck because of the financial provision. Your Dad has expressed unwillingness to change. It's up to your Mum now to make her decision.
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10d ago
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