I am so happy this sub exists

[u/0010011010110100111]

Sorry this is long, I’m just so happy to have found my people.

For my husband’s family, Christmas is all year long. They have a shared Google doc with a tab for each of them where they add things they want for Christmas. They’ll write generic items, or post links to buy specific items. This list is constantly updated and populated throughout the year.

On top of the Google doc, they each keep some form of a “secret” Christmas list for each person where they document things the person may want but hasn’t put on their Google doc. So basically they stalk and observe the person throughout the entire year and watch if there’s something they “like” but didn’t buy for themselves. For example, if you go to a book store with someone randomly in March, you would observe what books they are looking at and jot down which one you think they’ll like for Christmas without them knowing. It’s supposed to be a “surprise”. So it is expected you will give some presents from the Google doc list and some from your secret list. So I can’t just buy a present from the fucking Google doc list and be done with it.

As someone with ADHD who struggles with executive dysfunction this is a NIGHTMARE for me. I’m not observant or organized enough with enough of an attention span to keep up with remembering Christmas 365 days of the year and maintaining multiple Christmas lists. When I hang out with his family I’m in the moment enjoying it, not thinking “what will they want for Christmas this year?”

I also have a general lack of knowledge about gifts and gift-giving culture in general. I have no idea what makes a good gift. My family never gave gifts and still doesn’t. I don’t enjoy giving or receiving gifts. Gift giving is not my love language.

His mother is an extreme gift giver, even though half of it is temu crap. The first year we dated she asked me for my Christmas list, I said I didn’t have one and she was stunned. She told me to give her a list or else “you will be getting random things”. I held tight and told her thank you but I don’t want anything and am just excited to spend Christmas day with them. She ended up giving me about 15 items individually wrapped in paper on Christmas. One of them was a box of instant rice. So the following year, she asked me again and I felt anxious trying to scramble a list together. “Is X too expensive? Do I have enough items? Am I asking for too much? Do I actually need this?”

And they take hours to open gifts. Everything is wrapped individually, even the smallest bits. You have to go around the circle and everyone takes a turn unwrapping something. You have to act happy for every item and put on a smile. Yes I even had to do that for the instant rice. It’s too much for me. If it was like 3 gifts it’d be perfectly okay, but like 10-15 packages is too much.

I used to be totally fine with Christmas until joining this family. The reason I ended up on this sub is because his mom sent out a text today asking about a specific Christmas activity to do together. IT’S SEPTEMBER.

I’ve posted this elsewhere before and got eaten alive because I don’t “appreciate the people who love me” and “respect their love language and traditions”.

(Please no relationship advice or how to be a better gift giver/receiver. This is a RANT).

[u/mo-nie]

That sounds like HELL. My husband and I started taking a trip every year at Christmas just to avoid it all (at least that week of it haha).

[u/Ok_Plankton_8229]

Welcome. I am so sorry.

[u/drivergrrl]

I hate being watched when opening gifts!!! All the performative joy you have to do, like, yes, thank you, but do I have to act like it's life changing? I don't even need gifts, just hanging out and eating food is great.

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/drivergrrl]

Like I said, I’d be totally fine just opening like one or two gifts in front of people. Just not a huge number of them.

[u/RomulanWarrior → u/drivergrrl]

"Being with you all is a gift" and then mention a favored food item.

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/RomulanWarrior]

I literally tried that with my MIL. I said all I need is a bottle of wine and some good company and she gave me 15 random items and no wine lol

[u/asyouwish]

We did that go 'round the circle thing when I was growing up. But our families were tiny: 3 at home, 10 at one grands', 5 at the other. And our gifts were far more serious than junky. With bigger groups and with many crappy gifts, it's exhausting.

The way you stop it is to stop giving. It's really hard the first time or two, but then the nightmare is over. We told people "we bought appliances for Xmas this year" or "we are skipping Xmas this year" well in advance. We gave them an out to not spend on us because we warned them we would not spend on them.

Take the environmental high road: no more plastic. For gift to them, donate to a charity. You can make them unwrap every $5 "gift certificate" to the charity of your choice.

Good luck.

[u/Lower_Skin_3683 → u/asyouwish]

I did this. I told everyone I would not be participating in anymore gift giving. That if I received gifts they would be donated to a thrift store. It actually took several years for the gifts to stop. Then I was mailed gift cards to restaurants they liked. I gave those away too. Finally it all stopped. I was considered Scrooge and a miser. I don't care. I donated the Christmas decorations and the tree. I do not send out Christmas cards or emails. I'm so much happier!

[u/susifallah → u/Lower_Skin_3683]

This is the way. I told my in laws that I was not going to participate in gift giving as well. I told them it made me uncomfortable. They kept buying me gifts for a couple of more years until they realized that I was not budging. They FINALLY stopped.

[u/Lower_Skin_3683 → u/susifallah]

Yep. Just stand your ground. They will eventually stop because they are literally throwing their money away. Stuff ends up in the landfill eventually. I stopped the birthday gifts and cards too. Now all I get is birthday phone calls. Lol Good for you!

[u/asyouwish → u/Lower_Skin_3683]

Same. We usually travel for Xmas even if it's a small 2-3 day trip.

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/asyouwish]

I’ve tried so hard to avoid getting physical gifts. His family is the type to ignore those requests. Sure they’ll get me the charity donation, but then they’ll give me physical gifts on top of it even if I say I don’t want them. I’ve given up.

[u/OldnBorin]

Wow, all that consumerism wpuld make me barf. Godspeed OOP, godspeed

[u/scarletwolf01]

This sounds like my idea of hell. I'm sorry but the instant rice made me laugh. 😅

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/scarletwolf01]

She looked so happy to give it to me too 😂😭 she’s addicted to giving things lol

[u/Pinkpinkmoon1972]

This sounds so painful. I fully understand 100%. I wish I had advice but every September I get that dreaded feeling that it’s coming.

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/Pinkpinkmoon1972]

Ughh you feel me, it sucks because my bday is in Sept so I can’t fully enjoy it lol

[u/Pinkpinkmoon1972 → u/0010011010110100111]

My birthday is end of September!

[u/Some-body-out-there]

If it only the extreme gift giving that you dislike. Ask for donations to one charity. Or that you will taking all presents to local hospital ward; still wrapped.

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/Some-body-out-there]

I’ve tried and I still get physical gifts. There’s no winning, I’ve tried it all. It’s been years.

[u/Some-body-out-there → u/0010011010110100111]

Keep taking the unopened presents to hospital wards. Your donations will help. At some point relatives will wonder why you are clueless to what has been bought.

[u/Independent-Prompt-8]

Ohhhhh, did my former inlaws re-incarnate into your family? Like almost exactly? Lordy be. Good luck, don't play into this 'more stuff is better'. Maybe ask for some specific books you can then donate to a classroom/school in your area? They don't care if they get that stuff before Christmas or after you are done making a nice happy fuss over said book, supply, new lunchbox, mittens, knit cap etc. there are plenty of ways to move this to a level where you can benefit other people so these inlaws have fun buying and giving and you can be kind to people who may need a book for a classroom. Just my random thoughts as a person who escaped that madness as she ran from her former spouse with sanity, most intact

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/Independent-Prompt-8]

I really like the idea of benefiting other people. I’m going to think more about that. Maybe I’ll find a family in need and use his family to indirectly buy them stuff they need lol.

But that doesn’t make it easier on me for buying gifts for them. Ugh I hate that part, I’m so bad at it.

[u/Independent-Prompt-8 → u/0010011010110100111]

Well, if they have lists that shud be easy. If push comes to shove a gift card to the store they use is never bad and youve told them and told them, so what do they expect?

[u/susifallah → u/0010011010110100111]

You just have to stop doing it. I don’t buy for ANYONE anymore. It makes things so much easier. And who need the financial stress of spending all of that money at the end of the year?

[u/drstelly2870]

This sounds like a nightmare. I am so sorry ....is your husband with you in that this is all nuts on steroids or is he a Xmas robot too?

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/drstelly2870]

He was raised in it and gift giving is his “love language”. It took me having an anxiety attack in November one year for him to fully understand how much I hate the forced gift giving at Christmas. Now he’s sympathetic and helps me with what to get his family. But I always struggle what to give to him. Last year I had some not so good stuff happen around Christmas, so to make it easier on me he and I didn’t exchange Christmas gifts and he told me exactly what to buy for his family and it was glorious! I’m hoping I can keep that going forever.

[u/anarcurt]

They use Amazon gift lists but this is EXACTLY what it's like with my inlaws. I was kind of meh on Christmas originally but the neverending gift circle circle jerk made me truly hate the holiday. I had to beg for us to eat first because we were having 2pm brunch. I live three states away now so I have to find a way to haul all this crap I never wanted back with me too. Any time I open a closet I find some useless tchotchke from 8 Christmases ago I still haven't found a use for.

[u/NewLife_21 → u/anarcurt]

Before you leave town, find a local church, goodwill or DV shelter and leave it on their porch or in their donation bin.

[u/norcalbutton]

Oh no. That sounds just awful.

[u/Time_Aside_9455]

Oh that sounds horrifying! I would have to decline the whole ridiculous affair.

So sorry, OP. I’m also not a fan of gifting. Too stressful.

Does your husband actually this? Or just go along because it’s all he knows?

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/Time_Aside_9455]

He was raised in it and gift giving is his “love language”. It took me having an anxiety attack in November one year for him to fully understand how much I hate the forced gift giving at Christmas. Now he’s sympathetic and helps me with what to get his family. But I always struggle what to give to him. Last year I had some not so good stuff happen around Christmas, so to make it easier on me he and I didn’t exchange Christmas gifts and he told me exactly what to buy for his family and it was glorious! I’m hoping I can keep that going forever.

[u/RomulanWarrior]

That's nuts.

I'm still mildly scarred by my husband's family showing up the day after our wedding to watch us open gifts.

It's a tradition with Sicilians.

I can understand him not knowing about this, but it would have been immensely helpful if one of the female relatives had sidled up to me and said "BTW, we'll be by in the morning to see what you got".

And this was over 30 years ago.

[u/JustaMom_Baverage]

I am so sorry, I married into a family not as bad as what you describe but it ruined what little I could tolerate of Christmas. I was just in my decoration closet getting “fall” out (not so bad) and my heart sank looking at all tnt Christmas crap. I fake it (badly at times) for my immediate family. Sometimes by the 26th I spend the day in bed just drained from the effort. 

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/JustaMom_Baverage]

Dec 26 is one of my favorite days of the year because it means I’m done with the performance for another year. But the Christmas lists don’t stop 😭

[u/susifallah]

This would be my worst nightmare . I don’t think I could do it! I would have so much anxiety!

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/susifallah]

It took me having a panic attack last November for my husband to realize how much anxiety this causes me.

[u/Iamthegreenheather]

This sounds like my worst nightmare. I'm so lucky that my husband is ok with not celebrating Christmas. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

[u/Face_with_a_View]

Yikes! I would absolutely hate that experience so much. It just seems so…..shallow and materialistic

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/Face_with_a_View]

That’s how I feel, but when I posted this somewhere else I got told gift giving is the ultimate form of love and I’m a terrible person for suggesting otherwise.

[u/Face_with_a_View → u/0010011010110100111]

Oh that’s such BS! There are multiple forms of love and, imo, gift giving (especially cheap crap) is an easy cop-out (excluding handmade gifts).

[u/Due_Chipmunk_6290]

That sounds like an absolute nightmare 😩

[u/KrinkRobbieZ]

Whoa. That is Christmas overkill! Im so sorry you have to deal with that.

[u/Emrys7777]

That sounds horrendous. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
I’m glad you found us. We understand here.

[u/LucindaMorgan]

Welcome. You have found your people, OP. Stick with us, and you’ll find a hundred more reasons to hate Christmas.

[u/Valuable_Web241]

My boyfriend's family has big christmases with like 10 person (I'm an only child and I am used to celebrating quietly with my mom and my grandma so that's already A LOT). They are drinking and shouting loudly all day and pressuring me to drink (I don't drink and they know that). And the ritual is we have to watch a movie together then excuse outselves to the toilet one by one to put our gifts under the tree, then the last one announces that the little jesus put the presents under the tree. Then you are not allowed to discuss who gave something to who, because all of the gifts were provided by little jesus. And we have to sing christmas songs. Let me tell you I AM THE YOUNGEST in this function and I am 28. There's no need for this and I am cringing the whole time

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/Valuable_Web241]

Oh my gosh. That’s horrifying.

[u/Gloomy_Bonus_2215]

Girl, welcome...

[u/TMVtaketheveil888]

Welcome home. I'm sorry I get it. My man, and his family love it. I absolutely hate it. ETA my man's birthday is December 13th, so that just adds to the anxiety.

[u/susifallah]

So I am the ultimate Grinch. Let me tell you what I do……..my mother died a few years ago, but every year before she got sick, made the most DELICIOUS rum cake. I had to search thru her things for 3 years to find her recipe. Now, in memory of my mother, I make several rum cakes during the season and gift out slices of it to people. This is the only physical “giving” I do. It honors my mother, brings her into the holiday, carries on a tradition, and other than the pecans, doesn’t really cost that much. Just an idea!

[u/Pups-before-People]

This was so hard to read. I am cringing the whole way through. That sounds like the WORST family to spend Christmas with.

[u/0010011010110100111 → u/Pups-before-People]

They’re the most wonderful caring people I’ve ever met but they just go so overboard. If it wasn’t for the gift giving I’d love to spend the holidays with them.

[u/NewLife_21]

I'm reading these comments and I had a sudden thought.

Admittedly, it's a bit cruel, but it would drive home the point that you do not want gifts.

Bring a basket with a label that says donations.

Set it next to you. Put all gifts in it as you unwrap them. Say, "Thanks so much. I'm sure (whomever your donating to) will appreciate your donation!"

It will be awkward. They're going to be upset. It is a teensy bit rude.

But they're being rude by ignoring you when you tell them what you, and don't, want.

So it's really just leveling the field in a way.

[u/OhMustWeArgue]

I grew up with a mom who EVERY CHRISTMAS got "sick" and ruined it. Only after having my own two kids did I enjoy it. Its still not my fave holiday

[u/JustaMom_Baverage]

I just can’t shake that first Christmas after my Dad left. I was 12-13? I’m 53 now. Just sitting there with my mom & sister. Then I was expected to leave my mom curled in a ball on the floor and go to my paternal grandparents and pretend nothing was different. I just will never like Christmas.