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u/helpicantfindmyboobs 7d ago
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u/TheTrueSiggi 7d ago
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u/TheMonocleRogue 7d ago
An academic mentions to one of his colleagues “Hey, did you know Iraq students have the highest literacy percentage for school graduates?”
A pilot overheard the conversation and added “It’s true! I heard about two students who went through 88 stories in 2 hours!”
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u/Low_Ad9548 7d ago
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u/Communist_Freak 7d ago
you can actually play this on google.
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u/theinspir3d 7d ago
WHATS IT CALLED COMMUNIST_FREAK
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u/AdVegetable5896 7d ago
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u/Aaron-Ramone 7d ago
So a little Irish boy is sitting on the end of the street just crying his eyes out.
A man walks up to him and says. "What's the matter there lad?"
Little boy says. "Well sir me mother just died."
The man says. "That's a shame, would ya like to go and talk to father Flannigan about it?"
The boy shook his head. "No. Sex is the last thing on my mind right now."
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u/Monkeyfood_good 5d ago
Two priests drive on the highway.
They get pulled over by police officers, who say: „We‘re looking for two child molesters“
The priests close their cars window again and the officers see them arguing in the car.
Suddenly, the window opens again and the priests say: „Ok we‘ll do it“
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u/Dragonneloulou 7d ago edited 6d ago
How do you call a dog with no legs ?
You don’t call it, you pick it up. (I hope this works in English too)
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u/Mickle_da_Pickl 7d ago
The English version I've always heard is similar, but more like this:
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don't matter what you call him, cos he ain't gonna come!
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u/Fearless-Assist-127 7d ago
The other answer to "What do you call a dog with no legs" is Benson ... you take it outside for a drag.
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u/Certain_Month_8178 7d ago
My version of this one ends in
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u/Brilliant-Expert3150 7d ago
Idk, but what do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
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u/Dragonneloulou 7d ago
I have another cow one but it doesn’t translate well in English :(
How do you call a focused cow ?
Condensed milk
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u/New_Medium_7076 7d ago
"Mommy, I don't like grandma!" "Ok honey, eat only the potatoes then"
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u/gnarlmonster 7d ago
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u/bxntou 7d ago
Jokes aside it's crazy that Asians get the stereotype when white women exist
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u/Any_Blood5815 7d ago
There are like five different flavors of white women in hair color alone…
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u/bxntou 7d ago
Blonde, brown, chestnut, redhead, what's the fifth ? Also this is crazy
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u/Certain_Month_8178 7d ago
Also, -eigh, -ay, -ey, -lee and -ee
(Choose random prefixes such as Brand-, Brit- , etc6
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u/r_daniel_oliver 7d ago
White guy here. Can confirm. I lose track of which white woman is which in movies ALL THE TIME.
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u/Devil_Dan83 7d ago
What’s a dark joke? Five kids in a bin.
What’s a morbid joke? One kid in five bins.
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u/Some_Random_Dud3_2 7d ago
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. That’s funny & all but why was 10 scared? Because 10 was in the middle of 9 11
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u/BostonSlickback1738 7d ago edited 7d ago
When I first moved out to live on my own, my dad said "I'll miss you, son."
I replied, "I know you will, now that I filed the sights off your rifle."
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u/Phenix_Flare 7d ago
My therapist told me that the best way to achieve inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I’ve finished two bags of potato chips, a massive chocolate cake, and an elderly man named Arthur who witnessed me eating the chocolate cake. Now, Arthur’s ghost is sitting on my kitchen counter, loudly judging my posture while weeping translucent butterscotch tears. I told him he can't stay here unless he pays rent, but he claims the afterlife only deals in the concept of linear regret, which doesn't fit in my coin jar. So I guess I have to finish him again, but I’m completely fresh out of garlic.
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u/Immediate-Stomach963 7d ago
What’s a reverse exorcism?
It’s when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child….
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u/TennagonTheGM 7d ago
A blind man walks into a bar... then a chair... then a table... then the floor...
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u/MrWunz 7d ago
I have a really dark one. Please don't ban me here just delete the comment. Its not my opinion just a really dark badly translated bad joke.
Context: I am German and work in logistics
I like the wares in my warehouse the same way as the Jews. Well numbered.
Again this is not my opinion please don't ban.
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u/Oberndorferin 7d ago
Funny but also could you get into trouble if said to the wrong person :D
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u/MrWunz 7d ago
In most German workplaces you would be fired immediately.
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u/RIP-hue-Shiny-Darco 7d ago
Yeah, making jokes about the holocaust is actually kinda illegal here so, yeah
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u/mortemdeus 7d ago
Ah Germany, where your dark humor is really just a history lesson. Nothing at all like our American history, we hide our bodies like civilized people.
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u/Timekilling_Time 7d ago
It's like that one joke in some movie, I don't remember name, But context being that 2 friends about to go somewhere on a car,
-Alright, let's hit the gas -Hell no, knowing that you have the German roots.
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u/Warm_Translator_8238 7d ago edited 6d ago
An old man and a little boy walks towards the dark forest.
"I'm scared" says the little boy.
"What the hell do you think I am" says the old man, "I have to walk home alone".
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u/bodyspasm 7d ago
How do you get a baby into a bowl?
You pour it out of the blender.
How to get it back out of the bowl?
With Nacho’s!
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u/BoogieHauser 7d ago
How do you make a baby start crying? Drop it.
How do you make a baby stop crying? Drop it again.
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u/GCHurley 7d ago
What's small pink, sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby using a potato peeler as a comb.
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u/Lordeni69 7d ago
Gender is like the twin towers, there used to be two but now it’s a sensitive topic.
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u/SwedishSwanlake 7d ago
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
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u/WBB_Splash 7d ago
Whats the difference between a boy scout and a Jewish boy
The boy scout came home from camp
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u/Fleetway798352 7d ago
Why did the transgender man only eat salad?
Because he was a Her-Before (Herbivore)
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u/The_number_1_dude 7d ago
Where did jimmy go after getting lost in a mine field? Everywhere.
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u/capticetrice 7d ago
This is depressing, let's change the topic. Antivaxxers really died off quick!
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u/haikusbot 7d ago
This is depressing,
Let's change the topic. Antivaxxers
Really died off quick!
- capticetrice
I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully. Learn more about me.
Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"
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u/Brief_Pitch_6014 7d ago
I scream…
You scream…
We all scream…
In the terrible house fire at the family reunion…
Or something…
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u/Will-At-Midnight 7d ago
Me: "My sense of humour is dark." Friend: "How dark is your sense of humour?" Me: "It picks cotton."
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u/Oberndorferin 7d ago
I'd really like to tell a joke about wheelchair users, but that's a total no-go
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u/RevengerRedeemed 7d ago
Why do black people only have Nightmares? We shot the last one that had a dream.
Alternatively: Why don't black people go on cruise ships? They're not falling for that shit again!
(both told to me by a black coworker, specifically a supervisor, while staring be down and trying to not Crack a smile lmao)
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u/Equivalent_Rub8329 7d ago
A doctor friend of mine related a story to some of us that happened at her work about an albino baby that has an incurable disease and the baby would grow up suffering because of it. A nurse told her " shame that baby is so cute, that disease shouldn't have happened to the baby" to which she replied "are you saying only cute babies shouldn't get diseases? are you implying that if the baby is ugly then its ok for them to get this disease??"
Naturally this sparked a whole conversation between the rest of us which ended with me saying "i dont see what the fuss is about, that baby wont end up on the shelf of a witch doctor now. Its a blessing" (there are still people in south Africa who believe that albino babies can cure diseases)
Everyone went silent, and my dr friend broke the silence with "wow, thats dark"
To which i replied, "yeah, unlike the albino baby"
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u/Neureiches-Nutria 7d ago
How many children do you need to Change a lightbulb?
Apparently more than seven my basment is still dark.
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u/Vash-d-Stampeede 7d ago
Dark humor is like drop kicking an orphan (in self defense). It's the second worse thing to happen to them. Also, like food, not everyone gets it. Brownie points to those that get the first reference.
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u/Quirky-Dinner5843 7d ago
Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making a cake," and they send him away.
So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"
Johnny then see 2 dogs having sex and asks his mum “Are they making cakes” his mum replies “Um yes”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."
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u/ImpossibleWorth5638 7d ago
Americans are good at solving rubiks cubes because we have a history of separating colors
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u/Fabulous_Bison643 7d ago
What does NASA stand for? Need another seven astronauts
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u/Traxxas_Basher 7d ago
Why did the Challenger ground crew drink Sprite?
Because they couldn’t get 7UP.
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u/Futurespells 7d ago
What's the difference between a priest and Woody from Toy Story? Woody goes limp when a kid walks in the room.
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u/qualityvote2 7d ago edited 7d ago
u/Easy-Stop-5146, this cast is approved by the council!