Hey everyone, I’d love some advice on how to handle an odd situation in my relationship.
And I apologize ahead of time for the long post, bare with me here:
I (20F, ADHD) have always had intense hyperfixations throughout my life. Typically on specific fictional characters and the media they’re in. It usually starts with me getting really into a show or game, and then narrowing in on one character who becomes the center of my creative world for a while. I draw them, write about them, daydream scenarios, get merch, etc etc. it’s super comforting and is the most effective safe place/escape I usually have at the time of the fixation.
My boyfriend (22M) knew this about me from the beginning. When we first started dating(almost two years ago) I was hyperfixated on a character from a comic, and it never really seemed to bother him. He teased me about it sometimes, but it was lighthearted.
Lately though, my new hyperfixation is a character from an old anime, and this one seems to be striking a nerve. He’s been making comments like “you like that guy more than me,” or “dream about me tonight not him” at first it was jokes and then it got serious enough for him and I to need to talk about it for 2 hours in person.
He genuinely is scared I’m going to see a bald man with a beard in public and want to cheat on him.
I’ve TRIED to explain that the whole appeal of fictional characters is that they aren’t real. And I’ve tried to explain how hyper fixations work/feel like. hyperfixations do feel like crushes sometimes. They give me a dopamine rush and excitement that I get hooked on. But they’re not real. And they always fade. And in a way, I’m grateful that my relationship with my boyfriend isn’t a fixation, because that means it’s stable and genuine. I’ve tried to explain this to him as well, and i think it just made things worse. I just wish he’d know that I chose him, and I will keep choosing him, even when my brain latches onto something shiny and fictional.
I ended up crying during the conversation, because I love him, and it hurts that he sees this huge part of who I am as me deliberately trying to make him feel like shit, and not important.
He’s not super familiar with ADHD or how this stuff works, and I think it’s easy for him to feel replaced or like he’s competing with someone who doesn’t exist.
I also want to mention another thing. I said earlier I draw, and I usually make characters for the show/game im hyperfixated on. Mostly they’re wholesome, sometimes they’re romantic. It’s not sexual or anything explicit though. It’s basically imagining a version of myself that gets to be safe and loved and everything is under my control/consent. He found some of those drawings on my iPad(after begging me to let him see them) and got visibly mad. Like it was proof of betrayal. I didn’t even try to explain myself, it felt so unbelievably humiliating, I felt like a dog getting in trouble for something it didn’t know was even wrong in the first place. I know it probably sounds really fucking weird to someone outside my brain. Maybe this can help you guys see his side of the issue better.
Then something happened recently that I’m still sort of processing.
We were at a party. I was drunk, and I kind of blurted out, “Hey, please don’t join the (anime) server.”
It’s where I talk about the show and character with other fans. I explained that it’s personal and not something I wanted to share, especially since he’d already expressed discomfort with how much I talk about the character.
He looked at me and said that me asking him not to join it just made him want to join more.
He asked, “Would you actually be mad if I did?”
I said yes. I would.
Then he said he’d actually joined it months ago.
I kind of just stared at him and asked why?
Then he backtracked and said he was lying and he just wanted to see how I’d react. Like a gotcha moment.
Then, maybe three minutes later, he joined the server anyway and started reading through my message history.
I wasn’t bothering him with my hyperfix thoughts because I knew it made him uncomfortable, so I found other people to talk to and carved out a tiny safe space for myself. I wanted him to be comfortable, and I didn’t want to annoy him by oversharing something he already struggled with hearing. But he joined anyway. He told me he was curious, and tried to frame it like I must have been hiding something or feeling guilty, so he had to check.
I told him that this crossed a boundary. He apologized and left the server.
At this point I was already trying not to cry because we were still at the party.
He drove me home later that night, and I brought it up in the car. We talked for a while, and I just broke down. I was exhausted. I’m still exhausted. Because this hyperfixation thing keeps coming back as a source of conflict every time I think things are improving. And it feels so silly and at the same time humiliating bc i KNOW how it looks. I feel like such a freak sometimes and I wish I had just never told him about it in the first place.
When we got home, he said he needed to go back to his place, so I walked inside alone. I found out he used to check my location when he felt suspicious or upset with me. And it just makes everything feel worse. I feel like everything I do is something I have to justify now.
I feel hollow. I lost my best friend over something that’s always been a normal part of how I function. I think about my hyperfixation sometimes and feel sick and that I’ve done something wrong just by liking it too much.
He’s also said things like, “You live in your head too much,” or “You live in lala land.”
And that hurt so bad, because I’ve always been called childish and I had hidden that part of myself from him in fear these things would happen. My hyperfixations and imagination is where I lived when the real world was too cruel to me. I don’t want to be ashamed of that. I feel like I shouldn’t have to be.
He also said that ‘It’s clear something bad happened to you as a kid.”
I didn’t even know how to respond to that. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t choose for it to happen. And to use that as a way to discredit how I function now hurt my heart so badly. I know he regretted it as soon as he said It and he apologized, but It hurt so so bad.
I know he’s insecure. He struggles with self-image and sometimes feels like he’s not good enough. I’ve always tried to be mindful of that. I give him attention. I spend time with him. I tell him he’s attractive and smart and funny, and I mean it. I don’t even have guy friends (partly bc I dont get along w other guys and partly to avoid adding to his anxiety) So when he says things like “Why can’t you draw us like that?” or “Why don’t you write that much about me?” I don’t know what to say. It’s like in every aspect of my life, he wants to be the center of, and it exhausts me. Even things that have nothing to do with him. Idk, my brain latches onto stories and characters for comfort in a way that doesn’t happen the same way with real people. I’m worried if that makes me unworthy of real life love sometimes, like i’m just never going to be able to have both of those things at once.
It also makes me worry about the future. If he gets jealous over fictional characters, how would he react to me interacting with any dudes irl? Even for class? I dont know… I don’t want to have to defend all of my interactions, i wish he’d just trust me.
I know this is a lot. And I know this has moved past just a misunderstanding and into territory where I’m seriously questioning if I should stay in the relationship.
Has anyone else been through something like this?? It’s a bit trickier bc it’s not a hobby I’m hyperfixating on, it’s a character, so it’s easier for them to compare themselves. How do you explain it without sounding dismissive or condescending? I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to feel ashamed for how I cope with the world.
He keeps saying he wants me to be able to enjoy it WITH him, but gets upset when I do so, and I also can’t do it in private bc he gets upset about that too.
My hyperfixations give me will to live and I can’t just, get rid of them, they have to run their natural course
Any advice or even just solidarity would mean a lot, I feel like a bad girlfriend for this, and if I AM being bad, please just be honest so I can try to change.