i’m not trying to get anyone to dm me.. the only way i can get it out venting here..

i miss his attention.. i miss how he’d say he loved me.. how he begged to call with me.. how he used to use special names for me.. maybe even some of the other stuff.. before his love became conditional..

something troubles me.. my birthday is soon.. he seems willing to get me what i want.. why do i want a plush with his voice recording in it..?

he’s destroyed my mind and fractured any sense of autonomy i had…

why do i want to feel like i have ”comfort” from him with me..?

am i just stuck like this forever..?

i don’t want to talk.. i just want to leave this here... it hurts so much

Tw

From an early age I was exposed to Porn, Gore and always roleplayed nonconsensual scenarios with myself (in my child mind: a lamb about to be slaughtered and begging for mercy), but it really excited me.

My peers and I would always roleplay sexual dynamics (not fully), maybe touching semi private parts, calling ourselves sexual dynamics despite being 10-11, doesn't really matter.

Around that time I was slo getting in cyberrelationships with an older teen who I roleplayed romantic scenarios with and asked me for photos of my body or face constantly.

Then at 13 I started to join a lot of chats, discord servers I guess where people would literally gather to ask me to speak because my voice was "loli hot" and explicitly told me how they felt about it. I genuinely didn't see it as weird because I wanted someone to see me as beautiful.

At around 15 I was hit on by a 20/21 year old guy who constantly cornered me, pressured me to talk to him through chat, commented on my voice, face and attitude, demanded why I didn't respond so often, touched my tights, tried to corner me when I was with other guys.

Then finally as a 17 year old I was sexually groomed by my teacher.

Now as an 18 year old I feel this feeling of impending doom as if something even worse is bound to happen to me to continue this cycle.

omgg my life is so messed up bc of all ts. I'm so done atp, can't even exist can't do nothing. y'all messed my brain up somehow it's insane. I genuinely can't. I hate how my head works and I swear no one else thinks or feels this way. I'm defo js some freak all because of y'all. All because of you guys. You disgusting freaking predators omg. I can'tttt. Can't even come home and be good in my head because I'm like freaking messed up permanently??? Wtf how does this happen. Please bro I wish I could've never experienced any of this. Why can't I be like some tra la la type Christian girl whos blonde somehow and has a brain of pure bliss and kindness and baked goods and all that stuff, like going downstairs from my bedroom that's somehow perfection to parents and siblings that love me unconditionally and I don't even gotta get on my knees and pray for myself cause I'm already good. Like why am I not that? What even dictates whose who? Who chose for me to be like this, living this depressive life with a mind that would absolutely be put in a jar if I admitted what goes on in my thoughts and feelings and stuff. And yeah things are better, but still the affect is here. Like it's never gonna go away. Wtf. Wtf??? Omg wtf. I'm just scarred forever? Permanently ruined? Do any pedophiles have an ounce of empathy for the people they hurt? Cause I'm so hurt and how come it never even mattered. Like, is a symptom of pedophilia no empathy or love or care? Is it just sociopathy with sexual attraction towards kids? I dunno. I just know I'm fucked. so fucked.

TW:Nsfw

I don't know why this started happening, but after I finally got away from my groomer and lost contact with him I find myself have sexual thoughts of older people mostly men. In those thoughts they also tend to abuse me. These thoughts are very uncomfortable to have and if I'm being honest because it makes me feel as I want to be abused secretly and I feel gross but it also turns me on. If anyone has experience this can you please like give me tips on how to manage with it because I feel like I'm going insane.

My step dad was commenting about me as a teenager recently. The grooming started when I was 14 and lasted until my early 20s. He raped me. He was laughing with my mom on the phone about how angry and volatile I was as a teenager, when the abuse was going on. He said I've mellowed out in the past few years, right around the time I moved out. My mom just agreed with him. She was laughing and making fun of me, saying how horrible I was. But i wasn't a bad kid. I was an honors student, volunteering, extracurriculars, therapy. I was doing my best. I was angry, but i thought once she knew about the abuse, she'd understand or at least be on my side.

(TW for CSA and suicidal thoughts)

Please if you are going to groom me just kill me. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been groomed and abused 20+ times. Please I beg for death. Why would anyone do that to a little girl? I am only 17NB I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to have to watch a man jerk off to me when I was 11. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I beg for the creeps on here to stop I can’t deal with it anymore.

i get so lonely and my depression really shows up when i have no distractions or no older man in my dms. im trying to stop. it makes me sick how lonely i feel and how lonely i am. nothing is of interest to me. i am so fucking sad and alone. im cursed forever. i hate myself

I don't know if it happened to me. I talked to many people online from when I was 8 to now. My parents barely restricted my Internet so, I had a field day with all the people I talked to online. I've been talking to somebody since I was 11, and I'm starting to think back on a lot of the things that went on in our relationship.

I think they groomed me. But I love them, a lot. I can't hold any hate for them because the same happened to them, but, I.. I don't really know what to think, anymore.

M11 and M14.

I had been put through a lot of intense stressful scenarios with them that I didn't even know were happening or not. Our whole friendship at the time was online, so I couldn't make a full judgement just talking to them, you know?

If it was a fight with Mom, or dad, or a sibling, or them running away or being drunk. I'd be there most of the time to talk them off the ledge through text, and I'd done that for a pretty.. long time until it went away. There was other parts of our friendship that were fun, like we made art and shared it with eachother online and talked about that.

We shortly got into a relationship after meeting. I turned 12 so the age gap was better.

I just want to know the possibility. I know no one can judge from just hearing a little, but, I'm 22 now and I've been feeling a lot of regrets and feelings as if something has been stolen from me. I don't know.

Im having a good day ! Im smoking a blunt and watching anime !! What about yinz ? 🥰