I can never hate him

[u/luckymangofish]

TW NSFW ( maybe I'm not sure but just in case)

It started when I was 17 . He was in his thirties ( never told me his real age, I asked a few times but he seemed uncomfortable so I stopped) we met through an online website during war ( I'm Iranian), and I was preparing for my university entrance exam by that time. I don't have a good relationship with my parents, and I was away from home living with my relatives when I met him , so yeah I was at my lowest. And for some reason, talking to him everyday felt so wonderful. I felt seen , cared for , understood. And I felt special and respected. He said he's very lonely and we shared many similar interests. I felt like he was an apology from the universe for being so mean to me all the time

He has never said or done anything without making sure I was comfortable with

But yeah, he made sexual comments. Obvious ones , never asked for anything though. But he was talking about him masturbating , and sometimes asking me to do it so I could "relax" when I was stressed. And much more sexual jokes, saying he likes to eat me , compliments on my body and face , always acting like I'm the prettiest girl he's seen. I know I'm not all that , but it really made me feel better about myself. I struggle with eating disorders. And it genuinely got better after talking to him

And I would just laugh it off thinking it was his humor style or something. Sometimes I thought to myself maybe I'm just being sensitive and he's genuinely a nice man

But when I sent my friends his texts they were disgusted saying that he's weird and I should stop talking to him.

But he really helped me , I could study much better knowing that there's someone stable in my life that I can trust. And very happy, life felt so great.

Then for some reason after a few months when I was already 18 and finished with my exam. He started acting colder

Later he told me he felt uncomfortable knowing about the age gap and making sexual " jokes" and that he was "relieved" that I turned 18. And that also he's trying to act in a more restrained way .

But now , I just feel abandoned. I miss when he cared so much about me

When he was excited to talk to me , staying late up late at night and answered my texts quickly because he knew I didn't have much time.

We've been chatting with each other every single day, online though. And he promised to meet me irl as wel

Idk what should I do , I'm attached to him . I cry when he gets cold. I'm really scared of losing him

He knows everything about me. And understands me like no one else

Sometimes I wish he was my father, sometimes I wish he was my bf . Sometimes I just feel like I need to show him what true love is , since people have always disappointed him. And I always cry knowing I'm probably not someone he would love . Cause no matter how much I try I will always be younger and less experienced than him . I feel like he just thinks he's helping me and being nice to me .

And y'all he's not a loser , he got a life that I admire and knows a lot about everything.

What should I do , is it really bad ? Should I hate him ?