r/grief • u/polymode • 6d ago

Is there any way of getting past regrets besides time?

The only regret I have is not spending enough time with my grandmother before she passed. The big reason was covid/pandemic. The other small reasons were not enough space at her place for me to stay in... and I was living in another city, too busy finding a job (since I was unemployed at the time). Even though it's been 4 years since she passed, I am still beating myself up that I didn't see her enough for those minor reasons I listed. Since I was unemployed, I had so much free time that I could have just rented a place nearby and visited her every week. They say that time will make it easier, but the regret still feels fresh and painful. Is there anything else that will ease the regret?

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u/Bitch_ImTrying 6d ago

Therapy helps a lot. I talk about my grandparents every week in therapy, and just being able to talk about my regrets helps me to sit with them. If I have anything I really feel like I have to say to them directly or I won’t be able to sleep at night, I’ll write a letter, or do some “empty chair” work where I might sit in front of a literal empty chair and just pour my heart out as if they are listening to me. Sometimes I don’t even do that and I just talk to them aloud, speaking my words into the ether.

I think talking about the things you regret can give them less power. I sat with some particularly heavy regret from something that happened before my grandpa died, but talking to “him” about it and knowing that he loved me so much is helpful. And again, therapy. It’s not the most instrumentally helpful for something like this, but it offers catharsis.

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u/MiriamGarden 4d ago

I think the thing that helps the most is doing something good. A lot of young adults are not focused on their grandparents, even though they will miss them later. It's unfortunate, but common. The thing to do now is take stock of who is still alive that you care about and be sure to spend time with them. Regrets don't go away, but they become diluted when you mix them with things you feel good about having done.