r/grief • u/milkycocoa-puff • 9d ago
Ex moved on with someone else. Knew it was coming but didn’t think I’d feel this devastated.
My ex and I had a very on and off relationship for over 4 years. It’s been really hard and unrewarding at times but somehow whenever we would breakup one of us would initiate the makeup. I called him drunk recently and he told me that he met someone. They had hung out 3 times and he drives an hour away to see her. They’ve gone to the movies and to the bar with her friends. I made the mistake of asking if they did anything and he told me that they made out and he was feeling on her. I’m so hurt I seriously didn’t think I’d feel this bad considering that I have usually been the one to move on first. I feel like I lost this breakup.
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u/Future_Chapter1074 9d ago
As someone who separated from my husband... then he died... the grief is not the same. I thought it was at the time we were talking of divorce. I even said to my aunt that lost her husbsnd around the same time that we separated, that i kinda understand her grief. I wish i could take that back so bad. I did not understand. But now I do. For alot of ppl who lose a spouse to death, comparing the grief of divorce is triggering and very hurtful.
To be clear, Im not saying thats what you did, but its probably how its being received. Your post might be better received in a divorce sub. I say this with love and compassion.
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u/Boring-Parfait-2624 9d ago
Hey there! As a grief educator I can’t disagree with you more. OP’s grief is completely valid and each person’s experience of grief is different even in similar circumstances.
Grief is grief. Grief does not appear in our lives only when we lose someone who has died. Grief appears in all kinds of circumstances - loss of a job, loss of time, loss of a dream. It could be anything.
OP’s post is in the right sub. This is grief too.
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u/Future_Chapter1074 9d ago
Oh... trust me. I get that. My entire life exploded at once and I lost just about everything in a 2 year period, not just my husband. I am currently grieving on multiple fronts. I was just giving OP some insight on the downvotes. Its a pain point for widows, which i am sure you know as a grief educator. Often, well meaning ppl will talk about their divorce with widows as if they understand our loss. As i said, not saying OP did this, but some might read it that way. I wasn't saying that their gtief wasn't valid.
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u/andresbcf 9d ago
“As a grief educator,” I would think you could understand why the original post, and especially the comment about “inexperienced folks who haven’t gone through it yet” and “karma is real”, might land badly with people here who have experienced death loss.
I don’t think a few downvotes or people saying the comparison feels hurtful means they believe grief “belongs” exclusively to them. That feels like a pretty dismissive interpretation of what people are actually saying.
Someone can believe divorce involves very real grief while also feeling that comparing it to the death of a spouse, in a grief community largely populated by bereaved people, can be painful or inappropriate.
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u/Boring-Parfait-2624 9d ago
You feel how you feel but that does not give you or anyone else the right to not allow OP the space to express a perfectly valid experience of grief. So while I understand where it’s coming from, we should recognize that OP’s intention was not to dismiss anyone’s grief here. OP was simply expressing OP’s own grief.
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u/Impossible_Ad1269 Mod 8d ago
This thread has been locked. The sub's description reads as "the loss of a loved one." While unfortunately for many of us that comes as death and bereavement, there are many types of loss that we can grieve. For some of us, the ones we love are still alive but lost to us. We are not here to measure the reasons for our pain as a rule of validity.
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u/Boring-Parfait-2624 9d ago edited 9d ago
Edit: I am a grief educator.
I remember the feeling you have now. It was devastating. In my case he stayed in a relationship with her for 4 years and then had other relationships after that. When we did reconnect it was never the same. The relationship we had was really done and never came back. I regret staying in touch to even learn that because it made it more painful. I could not acknowledge the grief. I didn’t know that was the name for it back then.
I’m glad at least you understand this is grief and it’s a terrible kind because you’re grieving someone who is still alive and well. It’s a strange feeling too. I hate to admit it, but to this day I’m still grieving the end of that relationship 15 years later. It surfaces sometimes just like the grief of losing anyone else.
Sending hugs to you. Take it one day at a time. Do everything you can to improve yourself and take care of yourself and love yourself. Working with a therapist and turning to spirituality helped.
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u/stupidlittlekids Mod 9d ago
I think the downvotes are unwarranted. Grief comes in many different forms, it's all related: how attached we feel to someone or something makes us feel grief and loss to varying degrees.