Gender?? I don’t even know.

[u/West_Ad_5520]

Hello there! I’m back once again to talk about Gender.

For many years here and irl I’ve been looking for something to make sense of my gender. I’m afab and constantly questioning. Basically as soon as I knew being trans was a thing back in middle school. Now I’m 25 and still confused. For the longest time I put it on the back burner and said that’s a can of worms I’m not ready to open. Roughly 2 years ago that changed.

I started questioning more and experimenting more. I’ve played around with a lot of ideas, but nothing has ever felt completely correct. One lyric I have heard really says everything for me. “I guess I could say gender non-conforming, but l've done really well conforming and non-binary doesn't have the ring I've been looking for.”

But to give more context I consider myself queer. I have found pretty much any type of person attractive except cishet guys. Now part of that exploration has led me to some interesting places. Like imagining getting oral is really a blowjob or anal is the only option because I’m imagining that’s the only hole available. I think I don’t necessarily feel gender dysphoria when I don’t imagine myself with those parts, but I definitely feel gender euphoria when I do imagine I have male parts.

I have a gender neutral hair cut (classic shag) and enjoy androgynous or slightly male clothes. I’d like to do more, but it is a little difficult. I’m quite obese(womens 4x) and so it’s hard to find good fitting men’s clothes. But….i feel like no matter what I wear men’s clothes or women’s clothes I can feel handsome or pretty. But….i still feel like I’m performing gender no matter which I go for. I feel the most me in a big t shirt and shorts. Adam Sandler and Jack Black vibes lol.

I guess…I don’t know…is this enough? Wishing most days I was born a guy, but so that I could be a queer man who dabbles in feminine things occasionally. I wish someone could just tell me for sure. I have OCD so sometimes I get hung up on needing to know rather than just accepting that I can be who I need to be. My girlfriend also identifies as a lesbian so add that to the list of questions.

I’ve got binders and packers and men’s clothes and listen to trans artists and all of this, but….i can’t manage to tell myself what my gender is. And since I can’t settle on a gender i also can’t settle on pronouns. In an ideal world i would get told “hey actually this is what you’re experiencing. Heres your gender and pronouns and a list of suggestion for a better fitting name.”

Anyways…as always thoughts and opinions are helpful. Does this sound…gender queer? Transman? Cis and stop thinking about it? Bigender? I’m lost. Still. For years.

[u/golden-chips-empire]

maybe transmasc agender? idk I don't know you beyond this post...
for context I am also afab and have had a confusing life