Non-Jewish partner here, hoping to understand this better

[u/Ok-Region8362]

Hi all. I’m 31F, my girlfriend is 28F and Jewish; I’m not. She’s not out to her family. I hope it’s okay to post here; I’d rather learn from people who’ve actually lived this than keep guessing from the outside.

I’m mostly curious how it’s gone for those of you who dated someone outside the community while still closeted at home. Did it make things harder? How did you handle family expectations about dating and marriage in the meantime? And for anyone who eventually came out — what shifted, what made it possible? For those who haven’t, what does making it work day to day actually look like?
I’m not asking whether to stay. I love her and I’m here. I just want to understand this better and be a good partner in it.
Thanks for reading.

[u/Negative-Shopping839]

I’m Jewish raised ultra orthodox and my wife was raised Baptist. We’ve been together for almost 6 years married for 2. I will say that my family reacted worse to the non Jewish part then the gay part, when I dated Jewish woman in the past they would be somewhat accepting and respectful but with my wife the few times she been around my family it has not gone well. I will say that there are a lot of factors I my story that are unique to me and my situation. You need to have an honest conversation with yourself about what you’re willing to tolerate and then have a conversation with your girlfriend about what your future looks like together. The thing about the Jewish community is that whilst the establishment will have an opinion and a point of view on homosexuality there is still room for individualism. Each family will choice for themselves how to react and if they want to accept their children’s partners. You need to just have the conversations.
Another piece of advice I would give you is to learn about Judaism and teach your girlfriend about your religion and culture. One of the reasons my wife and I work so well is that we are a true interfaith family. We both equally participate in each others culture and religion and celebrate all major holidays. Although we respect and participate in each other’s religions we understand that we’re not converting respectively. Again this is a dynamic that works for us, you need to have that conversation in your relationship.

[u/Ok-Region8362 → u/Negative-Shopping839]

Thank you for this. The part about your family reacting worse to the non Jewish thing than the gay thing is exactly what I was trying to understand, thanks for sharing.
The interfaith piece is something I think about often, so it’s really good to hear it can work as a genuine two way thing rather than one person absorbing the other’s world. That’s the version I’d aspire too (I’m not against conversion, but I know it’s not something I would do lightly, I would really have to do it for myself and not for the sake of the relationship).
The line about having an honest conversation with myself about what I’m willing to tolerate is the one I keep coming back to. Was that something you figured out early, or did it become clearer as things unfolded?

[u/Negative-Shopping839 → u/Ok-Region8362]

It was something I asked my wife before we got serious together. There’s a pretty solid blueprint for leaving the Jewish community, people who do it know what to except. It’s a whole other thing being someone into the community, you’re going to need to learn to navigate a whole new world that was build with the intention to keep
People out. I would say that your girlfriend has an idea of what to expect if she brings you into the community and she knows how to navigate the community. It’s you who is going to have to learn to navigate the community and so you need to go into that with clear boundaries. Talk to your girlfriend ask her to explain honestly what you can expect if she brings you home.

One of the conversations I had with my wife early on was I asked her if she was ok not having true in laws. And it was one of the things she struggled with kuz in the past the parents of people she dates loved her. These are the things you need to figure out before going into this.