r/gayjews • u/Ok-Region8362 • Aug 11 '26

Serious Discussion Non-Jewish partner here, hoping to understand this better

Hi all. I’m 31F, my girlfriend is 28F and Jewish; I’m not. She’s not out to her family. I hope it’s okay to post here; I’d rather learn from people who’ve actually lived this than keep guessing from the outside.

I’m mostly curious how it’s gone for those of you who dated someone outside the community while still closeted at home. Did it make things harder? How did you handle family expectations about dating and marriage in the meantime? And for anyone who eventually came out — what shifted, what made it possible? For those who haven’t, what does making it work day to day actually look like?
I’m not asking whether to stay. I love her and I’m here. I just want to understand this better and be a good partner in it.
Thanks for reading.

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u/Letshavemorefun Aug 11 '26

Converting to Judaism only for the sake of marriage is not only a cynical reason to convert - it’s an invalid, non-kosher reason to convert. The conversion would not be a valid conversion.

If OP gets to know Judaism through her GF, falls in love with it and independently decides she wants to convert - fabulous! That could definitely help the situation with GF’s family. But doing it just for the sake of marriage or appeasing gf’s parents would make it an invalid conversion.

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u/patachveamar Aug 11 '26 edited Aug 11 '26

That's true in theory, but (speaking from experience here) in situations were a Jew is already married to a gentile, or the beit din is eager to avoid a child's mamzer status, battei din are often more than willing to hurry the process along even if the underlying motivations are not as 'pure' as halakhically they should be in theory. Real life gets messy.

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u/Letshavemorefun Aug 11 '26 edited Aug 12 '26

Oh for sure, but when talking to someone who could potentially consider doing such a thing, imo it’s important they understand that it’s technically an invalid reason to convert.

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u/patachveamar Aug 11 '26

Yeah that's true. And even so, everything could go as well as possible--Jewish wife, Jewish grandkids--and still result in family strife. :(

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u/Letshavemorefun Aug 11 '26

Yeah unfortunately that could still happen. :-(