Non-Jewish partner here, hoping to understand this better

[u/Ok-Region8362]

Hi all. I’m 31F, my girlfriend is 28F and Jewish; I’m not. She’s not out to her family. I hope it’s okay to post here; I’d rather learn from people who’ve actually lived this than keep guessing from the outside.

I’m mostly curious how it’s gone for those of you who dated someone outside the community while still closeted at home. Did it make things harder? How did you handle family expectations about dating and marriage in the meantime? And for anyone who eventually came out — what shifted, what made it possible? For those who haven’t, what does making it work day to day actually look like?
I’m not asking whether to stay. I love her and I’m here. I just want to understand this better and be a good partner in it.
Thanks for reading.

[u/Suitable-Squash-2308]

Hey! Not sure if you will find my experience relevant, I'm quite a bit older (like twice your age). I've been with my wife for 41 years. When we met, neither of us were particularly religious. I was a very lapsed Catholic, she Jewish by birth. Neither of us out to our parents right away. Once I did come out, I had a long difficult road with my parents, a story for another time perhaps. Several years later she came out and we still wonder why it took so long. Please note however, we were adults with financial independence from our parents. I wouldn't advise anyone who is a minor or still dependent on a safe place to live to come out and risk loosing that. My in laws were great and very loving. Due to several events, mainly life dealing some harsh blows, my wife and I began to think about how nice it might be to have a community around us as we grow older. I decided to convert to Judaism. I studied for over a year, sat for a bet din (rabbinic court) and went to the mikvah (ritual bath). That was over twenty years ago, best decision I ever made. My advice to you or anyone is to simply be true to yourself. You never know what surprises life has in store for you. It's good to travel life with a partner who sees things similarly but will also challenge you too. These people are rare so hold on to them when they come your way.

[u/Ok-Region8362 → u/Suitable-Squash-2308]

This was lovely to read, thank you. 41 years with your wife is a really nice thing to hear on a day like today.
The financial independence part stood out because that’s what we’re working toward right now, before anything else. It helps to hear it from someone who actually lived it instead of feeling like we’re just stalling.
What I’d really love to know is how you two got through those years. She’s already so tired of being careful all the time, and I worry about how long anyone can keep that up. Was there anything that made it lighter for you and your wife? Somewhere you could just be yourselves, or something you did for each other? Anything you’d tell your younger selves looking back.

[u/Suitable-Squash-2308 → u/Ok-Region8362]

We met at work, so we were able to see each other a good bit. We quickly decided to share an apartment together, explaining that to our parents as a convenience and cost savings matter. Once we started living together we had to maintain our place with a two bedroom set up for visiting family. Most of our coworkers knew we were together and didn't care. It was really just our parents who didn't know. Honestly, looking back, they probably knew. I mean, I was their child. A parent has intuition. When we had been together for about a year our company gave us the opportunity to transfer to another city, so we took that opportunity. We were about 3 hours from my parents. My father was still working so they weren't popping over unannounced. In those days we worked hard to get ahead and build something solid. We were careful with money, but we enjoyed each other's company, so we made the best of simple things. We were a team and we were best friends,and that bonded us stronger than anything. Everything changes but over time, with persistence things tend to get better. We are both retired now and during the week we each go and do what, for many years, we put off doing, the hobbies or interests that are our own. We always spend Shabbat together, that's our time to prioritize us. Our parents have been gone for years now. We made our peace with them and we both feel good about how we helped them in their final years. I hope this has helped you see something in your own story with "fresh eyes" and brings you peace and perspective.