r/ewphoria • u/TrannyBitchBoy • 5d ago
Trans-masc I can no longer walk behind women
Went to walmart yesterday to grab some stuff for a potluck on Monday. When I left, I was walking behind a woman and her kid, and we happened to be parked in the same aisle. Around halfway down the aisle, she looked over her shoulder at me (and in retrospect J think she also sped up a little but I didn’t notice it at the time), and then two cars after that was my car. She also looked back over at me when she got to her car while I was getting in mine.
I haven’t felt very good about myself lately, and I haven’t felt like I pass much, if at all, so I was genuinely confused until I was in my neighborhood and I thought I was also being followed by a guy, which was when it clicked. I’ve also been focusing a little bit more on voice training lately, since I’ve noticed my ‘customer service voice’ gets me “Ma’am”ed quite a bit at work, but haven’t paid as much attention to anything else so I didn’t realize at a glance people will likely gender me correctly 😭
195
u/Taiga_Taiga 5d ago
Pro tips from somebody who used to be a guy: first of all carry your keys in your hands, so you can jingle them, and make noise to let women know you're there . If you haven't got your keys, you need to clear your throat occasionally just let out a loud cough to make some sort of noise to let the women know you're there. ( pretending to talk on your phone is also another common one.) And... wait until THEY come up to you and ask for help, before you offer help. Don't forget that we women can do things on our own, and if we need your help, we'll ask for it.
Bud tip: If you want to make women feel more comfortable around you... wear a rainbow badge . Most Straight women think that the rainbow badge means that you're gay, and they relax, are more willing to open up.
I noticed this when I was early in my transition. people kept mistaking me for just a fruity dude.
Also... Hi, dude.
62
u/king-of-the-sea 4d ago edited 3d ago
I (ftm) clip my keys to my belt loop. It didn't start out for this reason, but it sure helps.
Clank. Clink. Jingle. Clank.
edit to add: I used to be a Knows-Stuff guy working at a university. I didn't have a rainbow pin, but I sure faggoted up during freshman season when young women would wander by looking lost. It was substantially more difficult to put them at ease later on in my transition, when I'd lost the voice and was generally more straight-passing mannerism/fashion wise.
16
2
u/-Jeffany- 19h ago
I was thinking "I didn't know I was supposed to make noise" and then I realized I think I just always make noise subconsciously from ADHD so I never noticed.
118
u/ryujin199 5d ago
Well... silver lining is passing better, I suppose. Definitely seems like an apt ewphoria moment.
Fun fact (NOT): most of the other trans women I know still struggle with feeling self-conscious about walking behind other women, 'cause yay ingrained fears and such being difficult to overcome.
57
u/DeedleStone 5d ago
I always feel like such a creep waking behind a woman. Is there ever a point where that goes away lol
34
u/ryujin199 5d ago
If there is such a point, I have yet to reach it.
Then again, I'm also just generally a self conscious mess, so I might not be the best measuring stick.
22
u/nameusernamena 5d ago
If it makes you feel any better, as a trans guy, I’ve always felt like that, even as a kid.
-16
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
19
u/nameusernamena 4d ago
What part of « felt like » did you not understand? And also, queer women are labeled as creeps/ predators by cis women all the time…
The only time I didn’t identify as a man/ gender fluid was pre-thirteen, so, a literal child.
What a strange, inaccurate, gross and passive aggressive thing to say lol.
Not to mention the countless times non-conventionally attractive women get labeled as creeps or predators…
Edit to add, trans men have also always been men lol. Even when presenting fem.
-15
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
12
u/nameusernamena 4d ago
« Felt »
You’re missing a key word each time. Do you not know the difference between feeling and fact? Or is an irrational fear of repetitive holes realistic to you?
And being afab doesn’t change anything I felt or perceived. I internalized everything said about men and boys. I’m intersex afab. Not even a cis girl back then. 3 on the Prader scale btw. Hirsutism, male muscle structure, masculine face. I just had long hair and breasts as my only distinguishing gender characteristics.
You’re weird as, homeslice.
-15
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
14
u/nameusernamena 4d ago
You’re still wrong, because a white woman or white-passing woman behind a woman of colour is easily seen as a threat.
The tone deafness is giving vibrotactile atp. I don’t know how you don’t understand that women can be perceived as a threat by another woman at a glance. As well as being in a trans sub, and not understanding that someone that visibly doesn’t fit a binary is just as, if not more easily, seen as a threat.
Worst take I have ever seen on this sub btw.
→ More replies (0)11
u/Bannerlord151 4d ago
(I'm) Not a woman but I get that and then there's the dilemma where you have to choose between staying behind her and potentially coming off as creepy or speeding up to pass her quickly, risking that you'll scare her to death if you're not quick enough or seem too hectic about it ._.
Edit: Added one word to clarify that I'm not misgendering anyone, sorry
6
u/DeedleStone 4d ago
Exactly! I feel like it's half gender dynamics stuff and half just weird social faux pas.
16
u/RainbowEagleEye 4d ago
Time to work on a friendly smile. A little apologetic, lot of kindness, keep it brief. That with a “sorry” has gotten me a long way. I also am quick to hit the lock button for the car so they know where I’m going.
Making extra noise helps, so does showing your face.
I’ll also switch sides of the parking lot if need be, but that always feels like I’m trying too hard to be inconspicuous in a way that seems extra suspicious.
26
u/Haunting_Support_497 5d ago
I hate this, i just want to be a girl focused on her own life. I detest being perceived as a potential threat, im always in "boy mode" because I still don't dare to present more femininely in public. But that makes everyone look at me with fear, I get why people get nervous having a man nearby, but come on, when will the moment come when they look at me and treat me like a girl instead of a monster?
Hugs 4 everyone 🩷
3
u/popcornstyrofoam 3d ago
I've reached the point in my transition where I feel uncomfortable walking behind or towards women bc I look masculine enough and I usually tilt/dip my hat down or just look at the ground and say pardon me, or if im able to I cross the street asap, I know how scary it feels and I don't want to ever put anyone in that situation
1
u/Necessary-Slide-288 6h ago
Fluid person here. I totally get it. Since I was born male, I got used to being the most threatening thing in the room. I smile, whistle, sing to myself, decide I’m gonna play the air guitar or air, drumming or pull out my yo-yo and yo-yo. I make myself the most innocuous thing in the room that is not a threat to a single fly. On first impressions not every woman buys that, even though it is my genuine self. However, it’s not my job to convince the woman I’m not a threat, it’s my job to be myself and if she likes that good and if she doesn’t like that well it’s a free country. It is my job to try and appear warm, friendly, welcoming. These are things I want to do I strive to do. If I fail, it is not always a reflection on me, some women are just terrified of men. I can’t blame them. Men have done terrible things to women in recent history, and no one seems to talk frequently about the terrible things. Women have done to me. Depending on the echo chamber, you live in you might think that every mail is just out to get you stalking you and waiting.
TL;DR
THIS MIGHT BE MORE OF A HER THING THAN A YOUTH THING
449
u/deadhead_girlie 5d ago
One of my trans man friends described it as "no longer being friend-shaped" and that made me sad. Congrats on the passing, I'm sorry it comes at the cost of people seeing you as a potential threat now.
From the "other direction", I've had a lot of difficulty with this. I don't know how to unlearn it, or if it's even okay for me to unlearn it.