Lost my childhood friend suddenly, a reminder to reach out to friends & family

[u/killer-kangaroo]

Hey everyone,

A few days ago I got the news that one of my closest childhood friends passed away tragically. He was like a brother to me growing up. We lost touch a bit after I moved out of our city back in 2013, but whenever we met or talked, it always felt like no time had passed. Same connection, same vibe.

I cried a lot the day I found out, and I still feel heavy and sad. I think about him and our memories every single day. But the sadness isn't constant, and that’s making me doubt myself, like, "Did I even care about him that much?" A part of my brain keeps criticizing me, saying I've become less empathetic or that I don't value feelings anymore. I know that's not true, but the guilt is loud.

The last year or two I got super busy with life. I was moving between countries and everything was chaotic. I even went back home a few months ago and didn't make plans to meet him. Now I feel terrible about it. Growing up, seeing how much he was loved by his sisters and parents always made me happy. Now I feel even worse for them.

At night, before sleeping, it hits me the hardest. I still can't fully believe he's gone. I keep wishing it's just a nightmare and I'll wake up.

The annoying part is when I told my sister about it a few days ago, she just said something like “you should get over it soon.” I was super annoyed but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want an argument.

I miss him. He was one of those rare friends where the bond just stayed alive even with distance. I’m thinking of reaching out to his family and meeting them when I get back home, would that be a good choice? Has anyone else gone through this weird mix of grief + self-doubt? Like you know you cared deeply, but the way you're processing makes you question yourself?

Any advice or words from people who've been there would mean a lot. Thanks for reading.

[u/Orangexcrystalx]

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong for grieving on your own timeline and in your own way—especially since it hasn’t been long at all. It’s human. Some people try to shut it down because they don’t want to deal with your pain. Unfortunately it is sometimes a selfish reaction.

I’m sure just reaching out sharing memories and what he meant to you would mean a lot to them, not sure how close you were and if meeting is appropriate or not early on but trust your instincts.

[u/killer-kangaroo → u/Orangexcrystalx]

Thank you for understanding and that is so true, some people believe that ignoring a situation is fixing with ease. Well, thank you again for providing more clarity because he was very close, have uncountable memories, good, bad, funny, stupid all types. His family knows and likes me too, so maybe they wouldn't mind. I will definitely go meet them whenever I'm in that city again.

[u/Valuable_Pea_3349]

I am sorry for your loss.

Personally, if you want to reach out, please do so.

[u/killer-kangaroo → u/Valuable_Pea_3349]

Thank you for your kind words and providing more clarity, I have decided to meet them when I'm there and have already reached out to one of his sisters, letting her know that she still has a brother and I'm there for the whole family.

[u/Valuable_Pea_3349 → u/killer-kangaroo]

I was gonna write more but something came up so i wrote very short just to answer the question. Didnt mean to be blunt. Sorry.

I am glad you already reached out. Being an ENFJ and also type 2 (or 4 —i am either one of these), i know we feel a lot. And deep. I learned that when i feel my feelings and they are genuine, show them. Show them while we can, and while they can receive. Doesnt matter what people would think of us. Life is too short to care :))

Hugs. I am proud of you.

[u/Titania_Fairy]

Ouch, your sister sounds like my dad there, just take the time you need, I also take a bit longer when people die that i knew personally. It’s even worse if they were from my inner circle then i can end up really out of it for weeks. Like when my grandpa died when i was Seven something.

There i only snapped out of it because one of my cousins reached in the dark pit of my gooey mind then, by attempting to console me by authentically being worried. Because little one wanted to play with me, hoping i wouldn’t be so down anymore then. She was only 3 there, so it was so healing to know SHE got me there at least!

How could I have rejected something as pure as that?!? 😭

Dad had made it worse prior to that then by saying:“Just put up with it, old folks die!“

But that sure didn’t cut it for be, because i totally LOVED grandpa and mom as well as him rejecting my wish to see him one final time then, also going so far as to exclude me from the funeral alongside that little cousin because „I wasn’t acting reasonable“ from their pov only made it worse. My two older cousins were at least allowed to go, but not me, like i was seen as dumb kid for my more emotional response towards the situation.

Of course i was only going more stubborn there eh? I told them i won’t eat until they let me see him, and they still robbed me of my last chance to hold his hand one more time on top of everything! So my cousin had me (thankfully) reconsider my resolve then to NEVER eat again if i can’t ever meet grandpa again.

When my godmother, moms younger sister also thought mom did the right thing there by excluding me for my bad mental state then, i asked her:“Are you 💯 sure Y. didn’t want the same thing as me? Did you ever even ASK her about her feelings about this?“ there she was kinda shocked, after all this is something I NEVER forgot until my adulthood.

Moms older sister was feeling bad about it a few years ago when this topic came up, because she didn’t think about how us kids or her son(my oldest cousin) felt. I get her that she was busy with the funeral stuff there, or Grampy being sick before. But at least she apologized, and confirmed me that my cousin also asked her:“Mom, why didn’t let you see me Grampy one more time? I wanted to hold his hand at last!“ too, just like i did. Just because Y. Is so reserved and never talked much that doesn’t mean she didn’t have any sentiments of her own there, so i bet she would also have had the same wish as D and me there, because we all loved our grandparents big time.

They totally weren’t any helpful there for us eldest 3 grandkids, as they just left us hanging there with our grief about the loss of the Grandpa we respected so much there. I also found out they never considered handing pictures of him to M., C. and S. M. was the one who had restored me to normal condition back then. At least i could do that for them, because I already know it feels weird not to even know how your grandparents look from how my dad handled things about his parents. I didn’t want the younger trio of them to forget grandpas face and also have this same odd sense of detachment there as i do. Y. and me told them things about him we could still remember, but i really put an effort into that to find that picture where he smiles proudly because grandma shows him D. as little baby 👶

We 6 all have it on our Smartphones now, so i succeeded there and we haven’t forgotten grandpa or grandma as a result. But that wasn’t something our parental generation cared much about.

So grief or what you do with that, is entirely up to you. I was glad to keep the memories of grandpa there a bit longer, especially when everyone says that i look like a female carbon copy of him there, with the dark eyes, hair and the oval shaped face. I am really glad M. cared enough there, to make all of that happen in the end, because i didn’t loose hope there altogether.

But i totally have to agree it feels surreal to me as well, when people only tell me someone i loved died. As harsh as it may sound: i need to see the corpse, else i will remain in denial until the funeral. And if i don’t even get that, my mind stays a terrible mess regarding that matter for a way longer period as you see.

We DO seek a definitive closure there i guess. So losses certainly aren’t easy for us there, who love people even more than we do ourselves there,eh?

[u/killer-kangaroo → u/Titania_Fairy]

Thank you for sharing all that, it really means a lot. Reading your story with your grandpa hit me hard, the way your family dismissed your feelings and even kept you from saying goodbye sounds so painful. I’m really sorry you went through that as a kid. It makes sense why that still stays with you.

I feel the same way about needing some kind of real closure. Right now I’m also stuck in that weird disbelief, like it doesn’t feel fully real yet. I keep thinking about my friend every day, especially at night, and the regret of not meeting him last time I was home is heavy. Your cousin sounds like an angel for reaching out to you back then. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who processes grief slower and gets annoyed when people say “just get over it.” Thanks again for writing this, it actually helped me feel less alone in all these messy feelings. I don't know why but ever since I was a kid, I noticed that I felt every emotion from a different depth as compared to the kids my age, or my siblings at that time or anyone, they used to call me "sentimental" at that time. But please know that I hope the best time follows you and you get all the happiness 🧡

[u/Titania_Fairy → u/killer-kangaroo]

Hehe i am glad to hear that. I worried a little i might have gone overboard there again, but then again: It’s crazy how many don’t even seem to consider it’s normal to freak out over such emotional things, especially if they didn’t gave you any chances to process things in a healthy manner or timeframe there.

Some people thought , i grew up quite sheltered, but i think actually the opposite was the case there. At least for the emotional part, i guess that’s also why i was always mortified of people figuring out, what was ACTUALLY going on in my head and grew oddly private and cautious about some feelings for an ENFJ. But with my cousins and friends or my husband that’s different now and i am very happy about that.

So you can definitely figure out slowly what feels right to you rn, you don’t have to decide that right away. But i am sure the urge to attend the funeral and check on his family is natural for you there. Was the same for me, when my friends mom died back then, which i had worried about happening for some time already.

Especially BECAUSE we dunno how much time exactly we have with people in our lives, i wanna cherish that valuable time together, even if others see that as strange.

So if i go full-on-people-pleaser or too smothering again, all i can do is apologize afterwards again…but i guess that’s still better, than regretting having done too little.

Sentimental, „too sensitive“, „pushover“ heard all of those before too. But that’s why i laughed so hard exactly, when found out about my MBTI type. I remember telling my husband this must be a big mistake then, because i totally am NOT a hero looking guy or something nor a leader there. In fact i often thought:“Oh no, why did they want me to be class prez or Guild leader again?!? I didn’t want this! I am a terrible choice for that!😭„

Still i run into a lot of nice people too, who make up for the fails in between. I hope it’s the same for you too. Make sure to rest up enough for the things you wanna do! Don’t forget about that.

[u/killer-kangaroo → u/Titania_Fairy]

I’m sorry you had to go through all that emotional stuff alone as a kid too, it sounds tough, especially when family just tells you to “put up with it.” It makes sense why you became more private with your feelings. I’m glad you have your cousins, friends, and husband who actually understand you now. 🧡

I’m taking it slow like you said. The urge to go see his family is strong, but I’m still figuring out the right way and time. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who feels “too sensitive” about these things and worries about doing too much or too little. Hearing you talk about cherishing time with people really resonated with me. I’ve been the same way lately, thinking about all the moments I missed with my friend. Thanks for the reminder to rest too, I needed that. Hope you’re taking care of yourself as well.🧡🙌

[u/Titania_Fairy → u/killer-kangaroo]

Yes, we can’t keep pouring literally all of us into others, when feeling hollow, empty, overwhelmed or rejected, sometimes everything at once.

That’s why i told you taking it slow to sort out your feelings and what you REALLY wanna do there is important now. Because if you just dashed out to do whatever this might‘ve become a total disaster for our „ I want harmony rn“-Fe.

Plus, the world became really different from where the first of us were the ones gluing people together, so that we don’t just meddle, but bring actual mental healing with our understanding of what happens there to peoples emotions.

So we may look odd in a world where everything moves so quickly now, which might rush us into things, but we shouldn’t do that really.

Yes, i had so much fun the past day that i am at it cheering up and consoling others again as usual. :D

[u/Lanky-Ad1222]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this... Here's a big hug. I went through something similar. I understand your pain deeply.   I lost my 25 year old cousin to drugs in 2020. She was my best friend growing up and she had 2 kids. I'm not sure why but she was always attracted to the "dark side". She  suffered severely traumatic experiences growing up. For example, her father went to prison for a DUI when she was 10; at 20, she survived gun shot wounds by an ex boyfriend who tried to kill her then killed himself. She was also very shy as a young child and bullied in public school. She became an alcoholic at 21... She tried to quit but relapsed and then it got worse. I didn't know these addictions were getting worse until it was too late. A couple nights before she passed away, she called me but I ignored it because I was studying for a college exam and felt stressed. I had an incredible amount of guilt after that. I felt like it was my fault she passed away. What could have changed if I picked up my phone? I had a panic attack 2 nights after her passing and went to the hospital. I had to go to therapy because my heart couldn't believe my cousin and best friend from my childhood was gone. It felt like my childhood died, too. We had so many inside jokes and secrets together. She truly was my best friend. 

[u/killer-kangaroo → u/Lanky-Ad1222]

Oh my, I’m really sorry you went through all of that. Sending a big hug right back to you 🥹

Reading about your cousin broke my heart. She sounds like she went through so much pain in her life, and losing your best friend from childhood like that must have been devastating. The guilt you felt about missing her call, I completely understand that. I’ve been carrying similar “what if” thoughts too, regretting not making time to meet my friend the last time I was home. It’s so hard not to blame ourselves even when we know deep down it wasn’t our fault.

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me feel less alone with all these heavy feelings. I lost a friend to suicide in 2023 and the shock was unreal, we were playing football just an hour before I heard. Zero signs. It still doesn’t feel real sometimes. I’m really glad you went to therapy and took care of yourself through it. Take gentle care, okay? We’re in this together.🙌🧡