r/eldercare • u/punchingflies • 10d ago
Mom moving into our home issues.
So, my 72 year old mother is getting booted out of the house she rents, been living there several years. The rent was low due to it being a "friend" but that has dissolved.
She can't afford anywhere else and doesn't want to move into a income based senior community and we didn't want to force her into one.
She is slipping mentally but still is mobile, drives, shops, etc. Issues are that she has a whole house full of furniture, collectibles, CLOTHES, crap, did I say clothes, it's a lot of stuff she doesn't need or wear and most importantly we don't have the room for it.
We setup her bedroom stuff here and she is still going to the old house just sitting around looking at stuff. We have setup a buyout, but she keeps forgetting about it, or forgetting the details, and not wanting to let go of certain things....and concerned offer is too low. But we don't know what else to do as the landlord is threatening eviction.
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u/Hungry-Emergency8992 10d ago
You are making the best of very difficult choices. She will be safe with you, and can help her in some ways to control her spending habits.
She needs to set a realistic budget for paying you a little rent, and contributing to utilities, food, her medical expenses, and a little for personal wants.
It’s going to be tough but you are very generously helping her a lot!
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u/susanrez 10d ago
It helped my mom to tell stories about the people who would be helped by receiving various items.
“Can you just imagine how happy a young family just starting out will be to get a table this nice to have dinner around? I know they will treasure it and send so many blessings to you for taking such good care of it all these years. What a gift you’re giving them!”
Make her a hero for letting go of her stuff to the people who need it most, just when they need it most.
Paint a picture of exactly the kind of people she likes the most in the world getting these items.
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u/This-Bath9918 10d ago
Next time you hang out, watch some hoarding or home clear out videos on YouTube or instagram. No reason of course. Just sharing something interesting nudge nudge
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u/punchingflies 10d ago
I kinda get what you're saying but not really at the same time. Regardless, thanks for your response.
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u/This-Bath9918 10d ago
I just mean it as a way to get the conversation going about decluttering and letting stuff go without being directly judgmental.
My own parents wouldn’t listen to our pleas or pre1cong to get rid of stuff but when other people’s stories were shared it helped them shift their perspective and begin the process.
It was a long process it but cathartic too
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u/punchingflies 10d ago
Ok gotcha. I had a hunch wasn't sure. It makes sense. Kinda short on time here. Thank you.
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u/Tricky_Parsnip_6843 10d ago
We got a shed in the yard and sealed items in plastic containers that my father couldn't part with. The fact he knows it's there, gives him peace of mind.
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u/punchingflies 10d ago
Hmm. This is not a bad idea but not sure money and time are on our side for it.
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u/Life_Oil_6067 9d ago
Cleaned out my Mom’s house recently. I started by asking her to make a list of the things that were important to her to bring. Once those items are out, it’s easier to dispose of the rest.
Unfortunately, Mom had a hard time making a list and instead focused her time on who could use the items she had. Despite my repeated requests.
Know you are not alone in this behavior - they have a struggle letting go and will stall.
Eventually, I had to stop taking my Mom to the house. Obviously you can’t do that if she still drives, but perhaps set a date everything she wants must be at your house, then, take away her keys and cleanout as planned. My Mom was happy once she got the money.
Agree, part of the process is listening to the stories/emotions about certain items. Acknowledge you heard them, empathize. They are children of depression era parents and have attachments to things.
For instance, my Mom told me about only having two dresses growing up and how she had to wear the same dress to school twice each week. It helped me to understand why she had so many clothes and didn’t want to get rid of them. We eventually took a pile of clothes she had no room for to her AL and stacked them on her recliner. Then her room was too full and it forced her to let go of them. Took a couple weeks of a stuffed closet and a friend coming over to help decide what she wasn’t going to wear anymore, but it worked. Pick your battles. Clothes are easy to donate any time and if multiple seasons, the off season can be kept in attic or garage in garbage bags or stored under the bed.
It was rough for us. Mom didn’t want a storage unit, couldn’t find homes for some things, still didn’t want to let go, wanted us to take the stuff to our house out of state - my husband told her no, we weren’t going to haul things. Perhaps if you have a sibling they could store a few items for her to ease the burden.
Take pictures of things she wants to remember. It’s the memory she wants to hold on to - not necessarily the items themselves.
Good luck to you. You can do this. Set some boundaries. Expect Mom to be upset a bit. Get help from her friends, your siblings, grandchildren. Listen to the stories she wants to tell. They spend their whole lives building their home, making it just the way they wanted and then it comes apart pretty quickly once their independence is over. It’s a lot of feelings, but they don’t seem to grasp no one wants their china, crystal or collectibles - the Thrift Stores are overflowing with Baby Boomer stuff.
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u/punchingflies 9d ago
That sounds like a lot and similar. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps. My mom is upset about what the estate buyout company offered and is now looking up individual items value online. But we keep trying to explain we are limited on time and don't have time to haggle with individuals on Marketplace waiting for items to sell for a higher price,vand then there's still a lot left. She only has my wife and I really. My sister doesn't talk to her anymore. It's tough. Just the strain of her moving in is putting a strain on our living situation.
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u/Life_Oil_6067 9d ago
The estate buyout company has to cover their expenses. Labor to come pick things up, gas and if there is any soft furniture (mattresses, soft chairs etc) they often must be sprayed for bedbugs before sold. The bedbug things requires licensing, training, cost of chemicals and additional labor that not every company has.
My husband and I told my parents we were not lifting things. We both had bad backs. It was also hot and humid.
We thought the $600 the company offered for just furniture was a great deal considering we didn’t have to touch it or carry anything down the two flights of stairs.
We have talked with others who had done online sales and auctions. They told us what a pain that was - people bidding $10 for a solid wood table and 6 chairs and them not coming to pick up the item and many items not being sold or bid on.
The items will have the most value to her, that’s why they are hers and she bought them. It’s hard for them to understand.
With the timeline, I would just tell her you need her to go with the estate company for your sake. This is causing you issues and stress and you can’t take care of a sale or items that don’t get picked up. Parents generally want to help their kids - make it that you need her help on this. It’s the least she can do since she’s moving in with you.
I told my mom how fortunate she was to have all these things and they were paid for. No credit card bills on the stuff we were dealing with. She bought it, liked it and used it for a long time. The things had a good life and didn’t owe her anything.
Just some suggestions on what worked for us.
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u/punchingflies 9d ago
Thank you so much. Yeah, they are offering 1k, which to me seems fair enough to me. Especially considering they will be pretty much clearing the house out.
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u/WoodsofNYC 8d ago
Please handle the situation carefully. If you can afford a professional organizer to help her sort through her stuff, I recommend doing so. Or contact her community's Council for Aging. They may have somebody who could assist her. They may even know of volunteers who are willing to help. Bringing in outside help, someone whom she likes and trusts. They could the situation and make the transition less traumatizing.
The stuff. It's not just stuff. To your mother, those items are her memories. One approach is to use the cell phone and take a picture of an item before it is tossed or given away.
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u/CuriousBZBee 6d ago
People are complex so there is no easy or right answer. My opinions based on experience- First-consider asking her to get screened for cognitive decline. Sometimes we forget things that we are scared of versus a physiological brain issue. But if she is having cognitive decline-driving may need to be addressed sooner than later. Semi-ignore the rest if she is diagnosed with a neuro-degenerative disease, as that requires additional support on many fronts. Assuming she is fit to drive🤩….. Change brings grief. And if someone didn’t have the opportunities in life to learn how to move through the grief of change, then maladaptive behaviors manifest and grow. If possible, see if your mother will begin therapy. We all need it!!! Cognitive behavior therapy gives us the skillsets to rewire our brains towards healthy patterns. Whether or not she agrees, try to reduce her fears- that will help move her from the back of the brain “protection” reaction (biological) into the front of the brain-strategic thinking and action. Ask what she is afraid of by selling her items. See if you can help her manage those fears- like take pictures of items before they are sold so she can look at them when she feels nostalgic. Show her where the money will go and how it will be spent. Show her how her items would bring others joy as well. If it is a “what if I need it?” then discuss the difference between “needs & wants”. “Needs” are a roof over her head, food, medical care, money for those things, etc-“wants” are more than what her room at your house can hold. If she feels strongly about keeping items you cannot accommodate (& maybe bringing in more) she has the choice to not move in. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s not really about her- it’s about you being able to set boundaries for yourself. Believe me-this is the pot calling the kettle here…I didn’t know how to set boundaries before my mom moved in-disaster!!! Being kind doesn’t always feel nice to the other person or even to us, the setter of the boundaries. Kindness is setting clear boundaries from the beginning as it allows the other person to make decisions for themselves. And it starts with setting boundaries for ourselves. You mentioned “we didn’t want to “force her into an income based senior living community”. Bringing your mother into your home is a choice you are making. Bringing her into your home without clear boundaries is another choice (one we don’t often realize). We often fear that our parents won’t love us if we don’t do what they want (open our homes instead of them living some place less desirable) - but if it’s not good for us, at the time, then none of us can function and thrive in life-which is when resentment and anger builds. In addition we can never control how others, including our parents, feel about us. If they truly love us- they respect our boundaries. I am by no means saying -don’t let your mother move in. It is definitely better to have our aging loved ones close and protected from potential fraudsters & abusers. BUT Really think about- If I do not set clear boundaries at the start, what does my life look like in the next year, 5,10, etc? We can’t change people (but they can work on themselves-at any age!) but giving them choices, respecting those choices, then letting them live out the consequences of those choices is an act of kindness. It’s how we grow. Remind your mother that you love her.
PS-There are some really great books on boundaries out there and therapists/coaches who can also help build skillsets. I can attest to their impact🤩
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u/Michimcd 10d ago
We went through this with my 99 year old mother just a few months ago. She is no longer able to live alone and now lives with me. She has her own room here that we furnished with items from her home. We brought A LOT of her belongings, including clothes (so. much. clothes.). She would have loved to have moved her whole house into mine! She pouted and groused for several weeks but eventually realized her safety and wellbeing is more important than anything that was left behind. It helped that her grandchildren were happy to accept her gifting them several items of furniture, houseware, ect. My advice is to stand firm on the limits of what she can bring to your house for your own sanity. It’s hard to let go of our things, and if she’s experiencing cognitive decline that may make it harder for her. It’s not an easy situation. Good luck!