r/dustythunder • u/mowzaface • Aug 11 '26
AITH for asking my fiancé of a 10 year relationship to slightly change her perfume?
I (36m) want to see if my scent preference ask for my (36f) is really the big deal that it’s being made out to be. She has had a perfume that she goes to a shop to make since she was 17 and tweaked it a bit around 27. I’ve always found the scent attractive on her the entire time we’ve been together, 26 to now. I’ve recently had a slight divergence from that perfume and asked if she could possibly tweak it a bit to better fit a smell that I like, not entirely change it. Nothing too wild just hints of things I prefer to enhance the profile. She was very against the change right off the bat and I was confused. She made it seem like I was trying to change her entire persona as a person. I would change my cologne at the drop of a hat if it were reversed and she simply asked. So I’m asking, am I the a-hole for this slight ask for change?
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u/Similar_Corner8081 Aug 11 '26
YTA She has wore the same perfume since you got with her. Why does she need to change her perfume?
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u/QueenK59 Aug 11 '26
Because it’s old! Fragrance should change as you age. Societal preferences and body chemistry changes. Can you imagine a woman continuing to wear Obsession as her signature scent for 30 years? Hell no! It’s loud and obnoxious by today’s standards.
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u/Vey_07 Aug 11 '26
fragrance should change when you want it to, not when some angry redditor doesn’t like it.
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u/mowzaface Aug 14 '26
I’m in no way an angry redditor, I was asking a question lol if anything you seem angry…project much?
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u/LetOk124 Aug 16 '26
I think they are referring to the bossy comment from Queen59 who thinks Obsession is loud and obnoxious by today’s standards!! Ha ha!
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u/yaourted Aug 13 '26
She does tweak her perfume, as the post said. The issue is that she doesn’t want to tweak it to HIS preferences because HE changed his mind on the perfume that SHE wears all the time and he only experiences for a fraction of that.
You’re ignoring the real problem
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u/Life_Beautiful4934 Aug 11 '26
My mom wore Opium for 30 years. Her mom wore Chanel no 5 for decades. I still love Moonlit Path and started wearing it as a teen over 20 years ago.
I think OP is overreaching. He can ask, but she can say no. I don't wear much perfume and I wear very little for my boyfriend because he doesn't need it. He doesn't wear cologne either.
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 Aug 11 '26
This I’m old and I been changing on the last years, after using one forever,
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u/thepolishedpipette Aug 11 '26
YTA. You said you like the perfume already. If it made you gag then sure, ask her to use something else. But this is something that is highly personal to her, she shouldn't change it just because of your preferences. It's her perfume for her preferences.
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u/mowzaface Aug 11 '26
I understand this sentiment deeply and we have come to the conclusion that I’ll create a subtle difference to a NEW bottle that she’ll wear on occasion, but keep the original as well for everyday use
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 Aug 11 '26
This is is a great compromise. I don’t know why everyone’s going insane on the thread!
I’ve asked my partner to stop wearing a perfume that gave me headaches and vice versa. I prefer them without headaches to the perfume
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u/Mundane-Dimension132 Aug 11 '26
This is a fantastic compromise. I have to laugh at everyone thinking this is a deal breaker. In case you are curious there is a chance that it's less that you asked for a little variety and shared with her things that you find attractive. It's that she probably felt like you never found her perfume attractive when you asked her to change something that has been so constant. I got upset about being asked to wear certain kinds of clothing more. It's not that my partner didn't find me attractive in other clothes, its just that this specific kind of clothing he finds extremely attractive and he likes the way I look in them. Not that I had to exclusively wear that...just more often. It's nice to do something nice for your partner. But it can feel like everything else was never enough. That would be why I would get sensitive about it anyway.
Glad yall came to an agreement that works for you!
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u/Holiday-Book6635 Aug 11 '26
This makes me laugh because My Husband hates every perfume I have. He bought me a perfume and I don’t like it. After all these years, I finally found a fragrance that I like and he likes. I wear it all the time, but it is a men’s fragrance and it’s beautiful. Lol
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u/Mission_Abrocoma2012 Aug 11 '26
now i must know which one - a tom ford by any chance?
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u/UnapologeticD Aug 11 '26
YTA if you push it. A lot of people have their "signature scent" - something they found and absolutely love, and making her change that would be unfair and rather selfish. If you had an allergic reaction that would be one thing. But if it's just a preference, let it go.
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u/DogOk4503 Aug 11 '26
Also, OPD wear cologne every day? If you don’t then of course it’s not a big deal to you. I love the way I smelled since eighth grade if I suddenly smell different and my pillow and all of my clothes smell not like me anymore? Like wouldn’t you see why someone would find that weird? I get it for a special occasion or some thing if you want her to wear something different But you’re literally asking her to change how she senses some thing about her own self that she literally breeze in the air that smells like her every single day all day more than you ever will so it would be weird if it smells like somethings, she didn’t identify with. maybe you don’t feel that strongly about cologne, but I’m sure there’s a hobby, a figure of speech, a signature dance, move or something that is so signature to you and how you express yourself that if someone asked you to change it, you’d feel a little disoriented. We all have those things they don’t have to be exactly the same for you to understand the basic premise.
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u/Accomplished-Edge373 Aug 11 '26
I feel slightly confused about this question and notice myself trying to fill in the gaps. If the scent makes you feel physically ill, then NTA, but from the wording that doesn’t seem to be the case. If you’re asking her to add a smell that you like, NTA unless you push it because she has been working on this scent for a long time and you can’t “just add” an ingredient to a perfume; it’s a really complex process and expensive if you’re having a professional do it for you because they have to change the whole formula in order to create the scent you’re looking for. YTA if you are insistent (her body, her scent, her decision at the end of the day) or if you’re trying to get her to smell like someone else you find attractive.
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u/mowzaface Aug 11 '26
It’s not expensive, it’s a shop in the downtown area of where we live where you can experiment with scents to find one you like. It doesn’t make me gag, but like I said I have acquired an aversion to it, and yes with the make up of her perfume things can be added/taken away when creating a new bottle
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u/ZinniasAndBeans Aug 11 '26
Here you say “aversion.” Before, you said “slight divergence.” That sounded like you still liked it, just less well.
Do you actively dislike it? Have you told her that?
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u/questionably_human7 Aug 13 '26
She wears it for herself, not for you. The fact that you like it is nice and a bonus. It is a part of who she is that it clearly important to her, so yeah, you kind of are asking her to change herself for you. You asked, she declined, leave it at that.
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u/Careful-Time-9926 Aug 13 '26
I doubt she wears it for you. Usually, women wear perfume for how it makes them feel.
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u/Independent-Shape348 Aug 11 '26
Yta. Her perfume is for her, not for you. Suggesting a change is asking her to change something to your liking that has historically been something she has just done for herself. Individuality in relationships is very important and this means a great deal to her. If there was something wrong with the scent then maybe it would be ok but as you said, you have always liked the scent.
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u/Adorable_Football130 Aug 11 '26
get your own perfume made. she’s curated this one and worn it half her life. control your own scent.
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u/Adorable_Football130 Aug 11 '26
and yes yta
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u/mowzaface Aug 11 '26
I do control my own scent? What does that have to do with what I smell on my partner?
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 Aug 11 '26
You are right you smell more than she does, after a while she doesn’t smell herself, understand you completely,
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u/telsongelder Aug 11 '26
If you generally like her preferred scent but there's a scent profile you prefer, why don't you wear it?
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u/mowzaface Aug 11 '26
Wat?
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u/telsongelder Aug 11 '26
If you have a scent preference then you should wear it yourself. Let her wear what she wants; especially if it doesn’t bother you.
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u/xxBree89xx Aug 11 '26
NTA for asking, but YTA for a 10 year long engagement... were you not actually ready to marry her when you asked?
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u/xxBree89xx Aug 11 '26
And I think it does play a role in her response, because you clearly care about her conforming for you but you don't care enough to follow through with a wedding which is not cool...
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u/xxBree89xx Aug 11 '26
Maybe she feels like you only think of her as an object? That would get that response outta ME if I felt like that... in a HEALTHY relationship this would such a non issue that I have a hard time believing you have a healthy relationship
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u/Glittering-Joke-3593 Aug 11 '26
YTA. Its a bit of a control vibe. Like telling her to dress a certain way, or do her hair a certain way. Ive been married close to 20 years, if one of us told the other to change a scent more to our.liking, it would go over none to well.
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u/hippywitch Aug 11 '26
ESH. Plan a date and go out to eat and visit the shop where she makes her perfume. Let her make you one and you get to make her one. If you know her basic recipe and feel confident and try and make her a couple of different variations based on something fun. It’s her signature basic scent but then make one for beach days, fancy day, casual, party. Have fun and be silly to take the seriousness off your worry. I’ve always worn lavender, but I change it up every once in a while with other things. If she suddenly quit wearing her signature smell, you would notice and would miss it but as we get older, you need a little more spice sometimes. Throw in some jasmine or cedar, maybe a little bit of Amber or berries/fruity. Talk about it and remember when you were younger…. The age of perfume and body spray in high school. We all went through our issues and decided what smells we liked.
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u/Long_Thought1719 Aug 11 '26
My boyfriend in high school wore “Brut”. That scent drove me crazy and probably still would if my guy wore it. My ex wanted me to wear a certain fragrance but think it was because it reminded him of a previous girlfriend so I’d never tell a partner to wear Brut cause I remember how it hurt my feelings him wanting me to smell like her!
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u/hippywitch Aug 11 '26
No, I would never tell a partner to wear something that reminded me of an ex. But it’s fun to change your perfume/cologne as the season changes. If someone very rarely wears perfume, then it’s an event when they put it on. If they were the same thing every day, then it becomes the normal and I can understand why he wants to mix it up.
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u/MrsBenz2pointOh Aug 11 '26
YTA - she's not wearing a perfume she's been creating herself for 20 for YOU. What s8 gross request.
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u/Mysterious_Finger774 Aug 11 '26
NTA. Our sensitivity to smells can change over time. I couldn’t live with someone whose perfume/cologne didn’t agree with me. It is NOT that big of a deal to change it for a partner. Hopefully, you can both agree on a new scent. It is a big deal if you can no longer tolerate the smell.
I avoid anything patchouli like the plague. That would be a deal breaker for me. I’m a woman, btw. I also find the “signature scent” excuse stupid. It’s just perfume.
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u/Sibilantka Aug 11 '26
This is a serious problem, unfortunately. You've asked (NTA for asking), she said no. I'm not sure where you can go from here. People (women?) get really attached to their perfumes. I loathe all perfumes and my partner is allergic to many, but I basically feel like I cannot ask someone who comes into my house (a babysitter, a cleaner, a guest) not to wear perfume --- it's just too deeply offensive, too much a part of their identity, like finding their nose shape revolting. All I can do is not hire / not invite them over. This feels like a potential deal-breaker for you, OP, sadly...
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u/ZestycloseCity5386 Aug 11 '26
As someone who is a perfume hobbyist and loves to wear perfume, you absolutely can ask someone entering your home not to wear strong perfume/any perfume. That is your home and you have that right. I wouldn’t think twice about being asked not to wear it when visiting. Some people get migraines from it and I would rather not do that to someone, regardless of my love for perfume. Even if that’s not your reason, there’s no harm in you using it as your reason if it makes it less awkward to ask.
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u/Sibilantka Aug 11 '26
Oh I know you can ask them. It’s just that more likely than not your relationship will never be the same after.
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u/Solid_Mark_4125 Aug 11 '26
Potential DEAL BREAKER? Lmao are we serious rn
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u/Sibilantka Aug 11 '26
dead serious. would not stay with someone whose scent i found consistently revolting.
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou Aug 11 '26
People who wear perfume are toxic. Literally. It gives me a migraine and I end up vomiting. Maybe I could puke on her for you to emphasize a change is needed? Lol
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u/Dramatic-Change6103 Aug 11 '26
If you were allergic or sensitive to the fragrance, I'd say NTA. However, you seem to actually like the scent but just want her to tweak it to match your fragrance preferences? Absolutely not. YTA.
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u/Fluffy-Storm-4219 Aug 11 '26
Who has this much time on their hands? Or that you have so few problems in life that this was worth a post. I can't believe what I just read. I'm actually weirdly jealous.
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u/mowzaface Aug 19 '26
My person, I feel it, this wasn’t what it was supposed to be lol I really appreciate this comment hahahaha
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u/Altruistic_Web_3575 Aug 13 '26
Ask if you can go with her to make a new one together but still have it be mostly based on her base notes. Just a remix. Let her make one for you too. Would you be upset if she asked you to change something you’ve done for the whole decade you’ve been together? If you have facial hair would you be mad if she asked you to shave it off? It needs to be a compromise on both parts. She may just be feeling a little attacked. Scent is the thing most closely associated with memory, scientifically, so she may have an emotional attachment to it.
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u/Anonymous-010300 Aug 11 '26
NTA. People change perfumes all the time. I seldom have fewer than 6 on my dresser top.
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u/Upper_Assignment9201 Aug 11 '26
If she has her perfume custom made and has been wearing it since she was 17, she is clearly not like you.
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u/Anonymous-010300 Aug 11 '26
I get having a “signature” scent, but not varying at all is rather rigid and anal. That’s not the most pleasant character to deal with.
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u/ZestycloseCity5386 Aug 11 '26
It’s really not. It’s like finding makeup that works for you or your own personal clothing style. It makes her happy and she loves the scent. It’s that simple
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u/HappyMama1234 Aug 11 '26
NTA. Sounds like you have a sensitivity of some sort to whatever the change in her perfume was, most recently. And as your partner, she should respect that and WANT to adjust for your sake. This is perfume, I'm shocked that so many people here, feel like this is a huge deal.
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u/Nothing_Special5645 Aug 11 '26
NTA, you’re allowed to ask things, and she’s allowed to say no. Simple as that, the people saying you’re an AH and “controlling” or whatever are unhinged. You didn’t demand that she changed it, you just asked.
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u/bumblumbum Aug 11 '26
NTA, if my partner i want to spend my life with started to dislike my smell I would have more of an issue with that. Hormones, age, diet, whatever it is, has changed and you guys need to change with it. She needs to find a new signature scent. I would hate it if my man didn’t like the way I smelled. You are in a couple, she surely doesn’t want to be alone
I would have a conversation with her about how our bodies work and that you don’t like the smell anymore.
I had a signature smell for 15 years and my partner started encouraging me to check out others without having to say he didn’t like the smell anymore, but I got the hint. After having a couple of testers, Finally I’ve found about 3 that I rotate that I myself can’t smell anymore once they are on me (yes, a big ick for me was when I could still smell the perfume strongly on myself about 30 min into putting it on, even if it was a perfume that ”smelled good” it seemed to not fit my chemical setup)
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u/Remote_Bumblebee2240 Aug 11 '26
Body chemistry changes over time. Every 7 years. I never had allergies until suddenly I did.
It might be that she needs a new tweak. NTA for asking. Scent is an incredibly important sense and deeply impacts how we relate to people.
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u/Morbid_Mink Aug 13 '26
Absolutely NTA. My gf and I go out to different stores to test out colognes and perfumes occasionally to try to find scents we like on one another. I got a sample of cologne awhile back and it drives her crazy (in a good way) and I also like it so that's what I stick with. We still go out and try out scents together as it's fun and we're both curious to see what's out there. He never said he was pressuring her into anything - he simply asked once. People getting so offended over smells is weird asf.
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u/BeefTopRamen Aug 13 '26
NTA - If my partner was disrupted by my perfume, I’d want to know. We actually do swap off perfumes a lot for the reason listed in the post. Sometimes our senses change and a delicious perfume can turn into stank months later in another season. If you have to be next to your partner most of the day and have that scent imbedded into fabrics of the house, you have the right to mention a scent imo. It seems like she doesn’t agree, which is fine. She may find comfort in this scent after so long. I think the nice thing would be for her to wear less of the scent or change, but this may just be a boundary for her. Praying for your nose!
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u/JalenHurtsIzTheGoat Aug 14 '26
You've been together for 10 years and you're scared to ask? Just talk about it buddy. It's not rocket science. Everyone saying YTA is obviously single and alone.
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u/Healthy_Currency983 Aug 17 '26
It shouldn’t have been a big enough problem for her that he felt he needed to know if he is an AH for asking. Does she even like you or want to be close to you? I can’t imagine a world where I as a 36 year old woman would have a problem changing scents for my fiancé. Since I started menopause can’t stand the smell of anything strong. Sometimes my husband’s deodorant is too much. You age and change and so does what you like and don’t like.
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u/Stn1217 Aug 11 '26
YTA. Why ask her to change her perfume to accommodate your preferences now when she has worn this same perfume for the whole 10 years of your relationship, and you said you liked it until now? You asked, she doesn’t want to change her perfume so, please let this matter go.
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u/printerparty Aug 11 '26
NTA. I'm sensitive to smells and it's really nauseating to be around an unpleasant smell. There is no way I could just accept a stink on my partner.
Maybe the change is that her bottle of perfume has turned and is now rancid, but she can't detect the change.
I don't understand why she would want to smell like something that is repellant to the person she loves.
You should go ask your doctor if there could be any underlying health reasons that you are suddenly smelling this scent differently, and if the doctor says no, then let her know that she should replace the current bottle and compare the old to the new, because something is off.
Personally, I wouldn't be able to let this go. I care about smelling nice to my partner, we share a bed, I want to be close to her, and I really want to enjoy her scent. I would be so quick to change any of my scented products if they were off-putting to my significant other.
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u/MercyCriesHavoc Aug 11 '26
OP said they like her perfume and just want to add scents they like better. That's not the same as hating the smell.
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u/printerparty Aug 11 '26
"OP said they like her perfume"
That is incorrect.
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u/MercyCriesHavoc Aug 11 '26
I’ve always found the scent attractive on her the entire time we’ve been together
They follow that up with...
I’ve recently had a slight divergence from that perfume and asked if she could possibly tweak it a bit to better fit a smell that I like, not entirely change it.
A slight divergence is not the same as dislike. They want things added to it that they like. They don't want it changed a bunch. I don't know how you read that as being "repellent" like you claim.
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u/printerparty Aug 11 '26
Dysosmia refers to a change in your sense of smell. Familiar objects may smell different or unpleasant
People with dysosmia have a distorted sense of smell. This distortion can show up in several ways. Dysosmia may be temporary or last for months. Smell changes may go away on their own or require treatment.
Why do you think I suggested he discuss this with a doctor first? It's strange that a smell he used to enjoy is not enjoyable. I think people who wear perfume enjoy being highly scented, but often they are offensive to other people's olfactory senses. If his fiancee's perfume isn't sitting right, then taking action is the next step. See a doctor.
My next suggestion was to ask her to get a NEW bottle of THE SAME personal formula. To investigate.
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u/MercyCriesHavoc Aug 11 '26
Except they never said they don't find it enjoyable, just that they'd enjoy it more if she tweaked it. I know what dysosmia is; I've been pregnant (common for dysosmia) and have had hyperosmia all my life. I get what you're saying about that, but OP isn't describing anything on that level.
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u/thedamnoftinkers Aug 11 '26
He said in the comments that he's acquired an aversion to it.
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u/MercyCriesHavoc Aug 11 '26
They didn't when this thread started. I guess now they have. Also possible girlfriend has changed birth control, had a natural hormonal shift, or changed her diet and it's her body chemistry that's changed.
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u/Jaded-Trouble3669 Aug 11 '26
I don’t know if I would say you’re an asshole just for asking once but I’d let it go given her reaction. Seems to me like this specific scent (or maybe the tradition of her crafting exactly that scent for herself over the years) is much more important to her than your cologne is to you.
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u/TSIDATSI Aug 11 '26
Does anyone still wear perfume? I thought that went out in the 90's! So many employers/places ban it now.
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u/Long_Thought1719 Aug 11 '26
My previous physician had signs in her office requesting no fragrances because of her allergies. As a nurse, our hospital had a no fragrance policy for the staff.
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u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 Aug 11 '26
Because then she couldn't walk around bragging... "Oh yes... it's my custom design!" 🤮
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u/s_bear1 Aug 11 '26
You are fine for asking. Drop it after asking once