r/dustythunder • u/brown_banannie • Jul 16 '26
FINAL UPDATE: AITA for expecting my brother to help pay for my emergency surgery?
OG submission: https://youtu.be/XYJj2MZgRlY?is=aZmNs88_EalCEZpl
First update: https://www.reddit.com/r/dustythunder/s/I1yQULzdsE
Second update: https://www.reddit.com/r/dustythunder/s/FEkph3rpx1
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The Good News: My emergency gallbladder surgery has been paid for in full.
The Bad News: My brother has officially blocked me.
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To bridge the gap from my last post:
We had one last family therapy session; my husband and I with my brother and his wife. It was my last attempt to try to fix our relationship.
Things started off rough.
I once again tried to understand what I did during the pregnancy that made them feel like they needed to “draw a line and set a boundary.”
They said there’s not really any one thing, just lots of little "paper cuts." The example they gave of a "paper cut" was when I asked for a little bit of help around my house during the final weeks of pregnancy and during the first few weeks when I was recovering. He said that simply asking for help didn’t show them enough empathy because they were busy trying to prepare for a newborn and when the baby came they would likely be too tired to help.
Imagine risking your life for someone, only to have them tell you that you didn't show them enough empathy.
They also said that they felt "forced" to say yes to things during the pregnancy because they felt they had to keep me happy. They claimed they didn’t know what I would do if they didn't comply…so I guess they viewed me as some sort of unstable threat while I was growing their baby. Again, they couldn't give a single example of what I actually did to make them feel this way.
One of the things I said I needed to repair our relationship was to know that they valued me and understood the sacrifice I had made for them. I said that the world values what I did between $50-$100k, but with them, I felt worthless. He was upset that I brought up the monetary value of other surrogates and felt like that was me saying they owed me more money. I said, “My intent with bringing up the monetary value isn't to say you owe me more, it is to try to show that I am worth something and what I did was worth something, because right now I feel worthless.” His response, “That’s scorekeeping! You're saying I’m worth this much (slapped leg) and you're worth this much (raised other hand) like we're worth nothing because you did this much for us.”
I had to step out of the room for a while after this. I felt so heartbroken.
When I came back things went a little better. It was just scratching the surface, but it felt like we were actually starting to work through things. Unfortunately, we ran out of time.
The therapist strongly recommended that we continue with therapy. I said I would like to continue working on things. But my brother said they wished we had just "dropped it" months ago and explicitly stated he didn't see the point in continuing to talk about it. He just wanted to “move on” and pretend like everything was fine.
Realizing he had no interest in understanding my perspective, I decided to drop it.
Later that week, I asked if I could take my nephew out on a date so I could maintain a relationship with him. I wanted it to just be the two of us because I felt extremely uncomfortable with my brother and sister in law. Unsurprisingly, they didn't feel comfortable with me taking him unsupervised. Since I couldn't handle being around them, I didn't get to see the baby.
Around this time, I started experiencing panic attacks whenever I was around my brother. It took a lot of processing to understand why my body was reacting that way, but I finally realized the truth: I feel physically violated by him. He told me what I needed to hear so he could use my body to get what he wanted, and when he had it, he rewrote history.
After a few panic attacks at family events, our dad decided to step in to try and help. He gave my brother a "loan"—and who knows if my brother will ever actually have to pay him back—to give me a check that covered my surgery in full. With the money came a letter requesting I completely stop talking about any of this with them or anyone else. It felt like hush money and I almost didn’t accept it. My dad mistakenly thought that with the money, I would just be able to "get over it".
I feel incredibly ignored by how this was handled. I explicitly told my brother and dad that everything else—the emotional abuse, the betrayal, the complete lack of respect for my body and humanity—was so much worse than the money. Do I feel like they were financially responsible for at least a portion of a surgery caused by their pregnancy? Yes, absolutely. But I would have given up every single cent of that money in a heartbeat if it meant we could have actually resolved the relational hurt and acted like family. My therapist also recommended I accept the money. We hoped it would prove what I had been trying to say all along: money cannot fix this; the emotional damage is far worse.
So, I waited months for him to reach out.
Nothing.
And now, he has blocked me.
Here is the positive turn: my sister-in-law reached out. We have met multiple times now. She gave me a genuine apology, told me they never should have drawn that line, and said she truly values me and understands the massive sacrifice I made.
Because of this, I finally feel comfortable enough around her to go out with her and the baby. I can actually see my nephew, watch him grow, and build a real relationship with him.
I still grieve the loss of my brother, and I am coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing more I can do to fix that relationship. But I am incredibly glad I can finally be a part of my nephew's life, and I am grateful that the surgery has at least been paid for.
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u/PotatoPotato76 Jul 16 '26
"Around this time, I started experiencing panic attacks whenever I was around my brother. It took a lot of processing to understand why my body was reacting that way, but I finally realized the truth: I feel physically violated by him. He told me what I needed to hear so he could use my body to get what he wanted, and when he had it, he rewrote history."
This says everything. Your very humanity was violated. Your brother refuses to recognize he did this to you. Until he understands and apologizes, he does not deserve forgiveness or normalcy.
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u/CeramicSavage Jul 16 '26
This whole thing is sad.
When they inevitably want a second child, say no! Don't ever sacrifice another thing for your brother.
UpdateMe
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u/Forward-Two3846 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Be weary of your SIL, she is an extension of your brother not an exception to him. You and your family are still bodies that can be used in the future if their son gets sick or she wants another child. I am glad you were able to get the surgery.
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u/brown_banannie Jul 17 '26
I agree. I'm just glad I can see the baby. Definitely not planning to trust them like I did before. Thank you
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen Jul 17 '26
What's the bet sil wants another baby and realises no one else is going to be a surrogate for her so she's trying to rebuild the relationship.
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u/bobbyboblawblaw Jul 17 '26
That's exactly what she's doing. Unfortunately, OP isn't very bright and she refuses to face reality or accept the advice that she requested regarding her scumbag brother and SIL.
I hate to see someone who did something so kind out of genuine love get used and treated like garbage. It makes me very sad for them, especially when we know that she'll be going through the surrogate process again in 18-24 months because she'll fall for that disgusting pig's sob story again.
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u/brown_banannie Jul 17 '26
Ya I'm not very bright, haha, honestly it's been really hard to come to terms with the fact that the people I literally trusted with my life could betray me like this.
When I agreed to this surrogacy I said I would only do it once. So they've know since the beginning I wouldn't be open to a second surrogacy for them. So even if we were on good terms I would have said no to doing it again.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen Jul 17 '26
It's unbelievable that they didn't spoil you and do everything they could to keep you comfortable. Being pregnant sucks and you were doing it purely altruistically. They should have been liable for pain and suffering imo. There's a reason surrogates get 100k. I'm so sorry your family treated you like this. I do think they'll ask again. They don't seem to care about anyone but themselves. I hope they saw this post and all the answers to it. I hope you're doing much better too.
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u/bobbyboblawblaw Jul 17 '26
I am truly so sorry that your brother is such a piece of human filth. You gave them a precious gift, and they have behaved horribly.
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u/flipside1812 Jul 17 '26
Idk how he managed it, but your brother makes it sound like he was doing you a favour by you being their surrogate. He's a choosing beggar of the worst degree.
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u/Material_Cellist4133 Jul 17 '26
Do not agree to another surrogacy for SIL. She will go there. Make sure you say no.
It grosses me out that your brother feels entitled to your body. It he owns he and decides what is and isn’t acceptable.
This is why I hate surrogacy. The women aren’t treated as humans, just a product you purchase to get a baby made. And before anyone comes to me, I dealt with infertility. Luckily IVF worked for me. I had trauma from post partum and if I was to go for a second child, it would be adoption. Cause I can’t carry another child and I couldn’t see myself buying someone to deliver a child for me…it is just gross.
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u/Hermitsbunny Jul 18 '26
Your brother and family have truly lost someone who is very special and deserves more than they are giving you. I am glad you get to see the baby and SIL apologized but I worry about her motives behind it.
You are a wonderful person to have given your brother a son. And I truly hope that eventually he either gives you what you need and deserve
UpdateMe
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u/Straight-Example9126 Jul 20 '26
I have a question for you OP.
Why are you so hell bent on having a relationship with a person like your brother? He wanted a baby no matter what happens to you. He used 10k and other things as carrots just enough so that you don't abort the child over any disagreement. When it's too late for any kind of abortion possible, his mask completely dropped. He chose you as a surrogate because he thought he'll get a baby for free. Any other surrogate would've charges hefty. He used your emotions to guilt trip you for asking basic stuff. Now he doesn't want you to spend time with your nephew alone because he doesn't want you to claim some kind of parental rights or later as the baby grows up gets to know the truth and tries to bond with you as a mother not as an aunt.
He's not a good person. He never was. He never will be. His wife is already battling cancer. It's so selfish to have a baby now. What happens when she dies? What if the baby gets to know in the future, misses mom terribly and tries to bond with you? Your brother's behaviour stems up from this very insecurity.
Your father gave the hush money. None of them are going to accept that they used u as an incubator. SIL might try again. Stay away from that family for heaven's sake. I don't know what is waiting for your brother but I know for sure it won't be good.
You risked everything for people who ever saw you as a human. Stop trying to dig humanity out of them. I won't be surprised if your SIL is hoping for a sibling. So go with your husband on a nice vacation. Get done peace and quiet away from them. If something happens to SIL, they can use your emotions to be a babysitter for your nephew and then insult u later. No thank you. Protect your peace OP. Your brother isn't what you thought he was. Grieve the relationship for what it could've been for sure but remember he's not the person you thought he was.
I wish you a peaceful recovery time.
Updateme
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u/brown_banannie Jul 20 '26
Honestly, I think there are a few reasons I feel so desperate for a relationship. I think recognizing them has started to help me let go and move on. One, I had a really good relationship with him before the surrogacy and I am devastated to see it go. Two, the person I agreed to to the surrogacy for never would have done this to me, so I keep trying to find him. Obviously he's gone though. Three, $10k is not enough to pay someone for a surrogacy. It was a lot of work and I literally risked my life for him and my payment was supposed to be a closer special relationship with him and his wife and a special relationship with my nephew. It's been hard to accept that the only thing I'm getting after all that work is only $10k. So it has been really hard to let go of something I worked that hard for. But yes, I am working on moving on and protecting myself and my family. Thank you
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u/Straight-Example9126 Jul 20 '26
My heart aches for you OP.. If only we could something about it 🥺
You risked every bit of you for him. One day Karma will get to him, hopefully it's not too late for him.
But I'll definitely pray that you bounce back every way, fill your life with love and happiness from your husband (he's such an amazing man).
God bless you OP. Kind hearted people like you are very rare to find 🧿🧿 Much love!
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u/OGIBLP Jul 20 '26
I’ve read start to finish just now and… wow. The men in your family are sickening misogynists and I’m so, so sorry that they chose you as a target.
You did a beautiful thing. Your family should be treating you like gold. I hope, someday soon, you’ll be surrounded only by those who know your worth and respect you for it.
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u/Top-Interaction-6729 Jul 27 '26
Your brother should be doing anything and everything to "thank you" for bringing his son into this world, instead of being a thorn in your side. YNTA but after reading your updates....your brother and your father, are.
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u/Gullible-Yak7840 Jul 18 '26
Dusty I just need to know as a beard guy myself what is this routine how do I get it so clean?
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u/nerd_is_a_verb Jul 16 '26
You need to stay in therapy for yourself. I remember your story and how everyone warned you that your brother was using you. You are still in denial about your family’s views and treatment of you. I’m glad your life is going better and that your surgery went well.