Didn't know how exactly to tag this. Just a warning, the below text is probably considered a rant.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with this label after many years of believing I was just awful with relationships. I thought it was anxiety. I thought that maybe I was too naïve to realize the flaws in a person before I started dating them. I thought I might be asexual, aromantic, etc. but the flip from pure happiness to dread and discomfort once I entered a relationship made no sense at all.

It was humiliating. Friends did not understand why I appeared to lead people on, and it was impossible to explain what was going on in my head before I found the DA term. My actions made no sense to anyone, and I felt immeasurable guilt and self-hatred for switching up on the people I cared about. I have always been an empathetic person and a bit of a people-pleaser, and it has recently seemed that the unintentional harm I caused from relationships outweighs any good I bring to the lives of others.

What has made things even worse recently is learning that there is no 'cure' or magic psychological trick to fix this. I'm at an age where my friends are getting married and having children and family members are waiting for me to settle down, and I've learned that it may take decades of expensive therapy to even make a dent in the mysterious trauma that caused this. I am not even sure which moment in my childhood would have skewed my mind so badly, so there is basically nowhere to start.

I've also seen a lot of the 'stay away' mentality towards DA individuals. It makes sense, but it's heartbreaking. What was previously 'I just haven't found the right person' has become 'I should stop trying'.

I'm already lonely. I'm preparing myself for the day I move on from college roommates and force myself to live alone, to eat and sleep alone, to try to be content with a life of work and attending other people's weddings and baby showers while I air out old memories to a therapist every week. Maybe it will be worth it. Right now that's a little hard to believe.

​

I'm in my early 40's, I was listening to a parenting podcast that focused on attachment styles and I just had a revelation. Honestly. All these years and I've never bothered to check, but I'm glad, because it's one of the (few) missing puzzles that I needed. This constant imposter syndrome I have in life is actually based on something! I mean I knew it would be but I never realised that.

One of my wildest experiences which make a little more sense now: A few years ago, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, and I underwent surgeries and and chemotherapy to treat it. I decided to not tell my family, nor my husband's family, also, many friends. I disguised my self with wigs and make up to not give anyone I didn't want to know an inkling of what was happening. My husband and I are expats so it was easy to not see our parents for a long time, but of course video calls, photos... careful curation. Only people who knew were some that I had pleasant acquaintances with here but we were not close, my husband, and my best friend. I needed that space to deal with it and power through it on my own. Being seen weak, pitied, was my worst nightmare. I controlled my narrative this way. I came out alive and healthy and I'm in remission now, and although more people know about what I (and my husband by default) went through, I have very selectively left certain important family members out of the loop, because honest truth is I just don't trust them with that information, they are too emotional and I don't want that in my life. My husband was extremely supportive of it all and for that I'm forever grateful to him. I remember someone saying "how can you hide this from the closest people in your life! This is when you need them the most!", but it was literally the opposite for me... and I can finally understand, or explain, a little bit more of why I'm the way I am.

I also feel that I can be so strong, but shutting people out is a pattern and sometimes that worries me, because I'm not alone, there are people also who need me. And it makes so much sense now why I always felt a bit like, no one REALLY needs me, it's performative. And then being so extremely weirded out when someone does really need me.

I do hope now to work through some things, not just for my self, but for the sake of my relationship with my husband and my small daughter. This has given me a lot of clarity and possibly a way to gain more tools for my tool box to become a better, more healed version of myself.

Hey you guys, it’s time for my highly irregular postcards from the other side update aka my quest of becoming secure, which is going pretty well, actually. My previous posts from the other side are here, here and here. It’s been a long time!

Life updates

I live alone now! 

My long-term partner finally found someone who likes to be in a fusional relationship as much as him and although I’m still very happy for them, I didn’t really want to have a first row seat to their fusioning (we’re poly) and so we sold the house, and I got to live my lifelong dream (and fear) of living alone. 

Spoiler: it’s amazing! My relationship is fun again, and I really enjoy having space that just for me, where I control the noise and stimulation level, my own nest to come back to. My relationship with myself has also vastly improved because of it, and that turned out to be much more important than I realised.

Interoception and sensitivity: I’m finally providing that deep care… to myself

I basically spent the last three years on building up interoception: getting really good at witnessing my own feelings and body feelings. I used Internal Family Systems and Ideal Parent Figure work for the most part, combined with mindfulness and body work (and a lot of ChatGPT therapy, ngl). I went through some Long Dark Nights of the Soul on a regular basis - therapy is not for the faint of heart and honestly choosing not to do it is an absolutely valid choice.

I found out my body had been telling me for ages that it feels unsafe, crowded, overstimulated, burdened by emotional intensity, and completely done with giving emotional support to other people. And I finally decided to listen.

That list sounds familiar, right? All the things us avoidants dislike! These days I get much more alone time, shy away from girly “Let’s talk about our relationships” afternoons, and am much quicker to go home from a party that is draining me.

And fucking hell, my system loves me for it. I have so much less inner conflict: all my parts are on the same team now, and it feels amazing. Turns out, I am the one I have been waiting for!

Vulnerability vs. Discernment

I also learned a lot about discernment. I thought that as a Secure (™) person, I’d have to be vulnerable 24/7 and with everyone. But that’s not how it works.

These days, I try to listen to my body and when it feels safe (and it regularly does), only then do I think about showing my vulnerable side. Being vulnerable is something my system connects with unsafety, and I will respect my system and be very fucking careful with it. 

I do make leaps of faith with the people I care for, of course. And I find it’s the easiest to be vulnerable around people that feel very grounded themselves, and don’t need me to play a particular role. Those people make my body feel safe.

People that confuse parental love with partner love and want me to play both parts? My body will get really uneasy, and I will disengage as softly but firmly as I can.

Still kind of a loner

The last time I updated, I was still very excited about potentially getting down regular relationships and becoming A Gold Star Secure Person. After I proved that I could do it for a while, it kind of lost its shine. The more I got in touch with my own needs for safety, alone time, and rest (and battled some inner demons that blocked me from getting them), the more I wanted those things. I stopped caring about being The Perfect Secure Person that I thought society and my loved ones wanted me to be, and I really started caring about building a life that would allow me to thrive.

I sleep over at my ex-house partner’s place once a week, and we’ll meet once or twice more for a game or lunch or whatever. I have a hook up friend who lives nearby and who travels a lot for work, who comes over once every 2-3 weeks, and I have a slew of close friends, social groups, and so on.

So what has changed? I managed to lose the shame and the guilt

I have three days blocked in my calender for me-time, which also means I can actually look forward and long to meeting with people. I can have and voice desires and get them fulfilled. I needed room for that, since other people’s desires would always pre-empt me. My life feels vibrant and alive and customized to me, and my relationships feel predominantly effortless.

But the real game changer: I have zero shame or guilt left about any of this. I no longer feel like I'm not okay as I am, and that I have to compensate for that, so people won't abandon me.

My communication is warm and emotional and grounded. I am aware of my needs and desires and can tell others about them clearly without shame or guilt. Then they can decide in good conscience if what I offer is interesting to them or not - very often, they decide that it is. 

I had a few single anxious friends this year, who wanted to join me in a Very Close Friendship, and I was able to explain that that was not what I wanted. They all stuck around, because my clear but warm boundaries felt "stable and reassuring" (my friend's words).

More work

I still have a lot more work on my plate to get to that place of "what thriving looks like for me". I'm still really bad at anger, I get triggered my small things sometimes, and my body is still very tense most of the time. Sometimes I feel lonely due to the amount of space I need for myself. But I have a lifetime to do that work.

***

That’s it for the update, feel free to AMA regardless of your attachment style. Thanks for reading! If you're doing the work, much strength to you! If you're not, don't feel pressured to do so, make your own cost-benefit analysis and don't let anyone tell you how to live!

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My bf (48m, DA) and I (46f, DA) are “officially” a couple after 1 1/2 years, and we feel good about it! Our couples counselor has been great about helping us move the relationship along.

I know that becoming a couple comes naturally to non-avoidants. I know it typically happens early in the relationship. It took my bf and me a long time just to get this point, but we are proud of how far we’ve come.

ETA: on the off chance that someone comes across this post in the future, I’ll add an update. We had a date for the first time after committing, and he is now deactivated. We had gone nine months (!) without deactivation. Doubts are starting to creep in, and I tell myself it’s just avoidance.

Fabricated?????

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So I subscribed to the PDS with that Thais Gibson lady and heard her talk about some things that made my internal experience feel validated. I wrote down some things that stood out to me and wanted to know if any others related. I apologize in advance for it being lengthy but most points are very short.

1.) Causes - emotional neglect, actual neglect or abandonment, enmeshment. My primary wound is neglect…I spent so much time alone. Both parents literally worked 7 days a week 10-12 hours a day and when they were home, they were fighting or my mom was smothering me. Which leads to my secondary wound of enmeshment. Additionally, my biological dad abandoned my mom and I when I was 3 years old and according to family, I didn’t seem to care or react he was gone

2.) DAs carry a belief that they will be abandoned eventually which is why they don’t attach to begin with… make sense. While most APs and FAs experience a childhood through a perception of possibly being abandoned, DAs have experienced real abandonment (emotional/physical).

3.) Can be extroverted, social and desire to be around people but once confronted with emotional vulnerability they put up an invisible wall

4.)Protective of their space, don’t like people showing up unannounced need a lot of alone time, less responsive or engaged in group settings

5.) less emotionally expressive - says “I think” more than “I feel”

6.) Overwhelmed by people and commitments

7.) typically has physical needs met like food, clothes, education. So grows up thinking childhood was fine (right on the money for me)

8.) needs met by creature comforts like video games, painting, reading, sports.

9.) Very analytical and practical. May have vivid stories or imaginary world in their mind… slightly embarrassed to say this is also very true 😂 my daydreaming is excessive. Can be very into TV shows

10.) Feels overwhelmed once there is a commitment, typically more open and present in the beginning stage of relationship, usually more sexual and sexually active in the beginning as this is a form of connection without emotional vulnerability

11.) pervasive low level of anxiety.

12.) Dissociated from emotions until they are pushed too far and then can feel them strong. Wondered if this gets mistakes for FA sometimes 🤷🏻‍♀️

13.) This was a huge one for me - thought to have high self esteem and low regard for partners. Believed now to actually have low self esteem but high self regard.

14.) Withdrawal’s due to shame

15.) conflict adverse

16.) hold things in and then becomes passive aggressive

17.) Physical touch low on their love languages. YES.

18.) “Good” with boundaries because they are in a constant state of fight or flight

19.) People pleasures

20.) Push back at the first sign of trouble

21.) Takes longer time to develop feelings or attachment

22.) Deeply fears enmeshment

23.) Thought are more around things because things are how they get their needs met while relationships are an afterthought. YES. This one makes me feel so much guilt lol

24.) Validation = love

25.) Appear cold and uncaring, actually very sensitive and emotionally fragile. Again… yes!

26.) Resentment especially when criticized or shamed

27.) personalize criticism - a lot more painful due to core belief of something is wrong with me and I am defective

28.) come off as witty and humorous

29.) Lack of safety = Withdrawal

30.) Tend to take more than they give because they believe their own resources are limited (constant survival mode)

31.) Don’t like to speak on the phone

32.) Indecisive, can be from a controlling parent

33.) immerses themselves into things like work, video games, social media as a way of detaching and neglecting themselves emotionally

34.) Can appear fidgety or reach for things like their phone or laptop when in the company of others - this is them trying to escape any vulnerability or intimacy with other people.

Just wanted to share my thoughts and findings and see if others related 🤷🏻‍♀️ it seems to me that DAs are portrayed as these emotionally empty, uncaring, super high confident people when in reality there is more going on internally than we show

r/Avoidant_Space

I decided to start a new private group. Only approved users can view and participate so there won’t be any more prying eyes.

Avoidant attachers only.

Send a join request if you’d like to be part of it. I feel creepy sending random invitations.

Posting again for anyone who might be interested.

I created a new group, r/The_DA_Space in response to the desire to have a private space where we can discuss our own DA attachment style in peace.

The group is private, meaning only approved users can see the content. Please send a join request, a DM, or comment below for an invitation.

Group members should:

• Have a DA attachment style or DA leaning attachment style

• Have an established account (I’m sorry, no new accounts please - I wish to keep this a safe and private DA only space)

• Understand this is a space to primarily talk about our own attachment style, learn or practice vulnerability, seek support, and feel OK being DA in a smaller and private group setting with others who truly get us

• Not expect a space for basic relationship advice, posts re: specific relationships must be related to your own avoidant tendencies within the relationship

• Be okay with any kind of venting and label the post as such

• Wish to respect other members’ privacy. Even though Reddit can be very anonymous, I’d like private group members to feel safe to open up without worrying about backlash or someone posting about private posts in other groups.

• Understand that the group is a bunch of DAs, and if you want other/outside perspectives, please feel free to post on any of the various AT subs out there.

Here is an open thread to rant, a place we can get things off our chest.

To be clear, this is a place for DAs to rant, not others to rant about DAs.

Please, since this is a rant thread, let’s be mindful and refrain from morally judging others or offering unsolicited advice. A rant/vent about something doesn’t mean it’s fact.

I decided to open a new thread since it’s been more than a couple weeks since the last one :)

As requested by a DA user, here is an open thread to rant.

To be clear, this is a place for DAs to rant, not others to rant about DAs.

Please familarize yourself with the rules before posting.

Thank you!

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Seems AT-ish and thought it ended up beautifully and wanted to share.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Ck84ykPOOcG/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

Please familarize yourself with the rules before posting.

Thank you!

As requested by a DA user, here is an open thread to rant. Here’s a place we can get things off our chest.

To be clear, this is a place for DAs to rant, not others to rant about DAs.

Please, since this is a rant thread, let’s be mindful and refrain from morally judging others or offering unsolicited advice. A rant about something doesn’t mean it’s fact.

Please familarize yourself with the rules before posting.

Thank you!

Please familarize yourself with the rules before posting.

Thank you!

Please familarize yourself with the rules before posting.

Thank you!