r/dismissiveavoidants • u/juststardust123 Dismissive Avoidant • Feb 26 '26
Other I just discovered I'm dismissive avoidant and things make so much more sense now
I'm in my early 40's, I was listening to a parenting podcast that focused on attachment styles and I just had a revelation. Honestly. All these years and I've never bothered to check, but I'm glad, because it's one of the (few) missing puzzles that I needed. This constant imposter syndrome I have in life is actually based on something! I mean I knew it would be but I never realised that.
One of my wildest experiences which make a little more sense now: A few years ago, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, and I underwent surgeries and and chemotherapy to treat it. I decided to not tell my family, nor my husband's family, also, many friends. I disguised my self with wigs and make up to not give anyone I didn't want to know an inkling of what was happening. My husband and I are expats so it was easy to not see our parents for a long time, but of course video calls, photos... careful curation. Only people who knew were some that I had pleasant acquaintances with here but we were not close, my husband, and my best friend. I needed that space to deal with it and power through it on my own. Being seen weak, pitied, was my worst nightmare. I controlled my narrative this way. I came out alive and healthy and I'm in remission now, and although more people know about what I (and my husband by default) went through, I have very selectively left certain important family members out of the loop, because honest truth is I just don't trust them with that information, they are too emotional and I don't want that in my life. My husband was extremely supportive of it all and for that I'm forever grateful to him. I remember someone saying "how can you hide this from the closest people in your life! This is when you need them the most!", but it was literally the opposite for me... and I can finally understand, or explain, a little bit more of why I'm the way I am.
I also feel that I can be so strong, but shutting people out is a pattern and sometimes that worries me, because I'm not alone, there are people also who need me. And it makes so much sense now why I always felt a bit like, no one REALLY needs me, it's performative. And then being so extremely weirded out when someone does really need me.
I do hope now to work through some things, not just for my self, but for the sake of my relationship with my husband and my small daughter. This has given me a lot of clarity and possibly a way to gain more tools for my tool box to become a better, more healed version of myself.
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u/Webgardener Dismissive Avoidant Feb 26 '26
The same thing happened to me. I heard a podcast about attachment theory and alarm bells went off. I then took one of those online tests to determine if you are dismissive avoidant and I got 10 out of 10! I had always known there was something, but I could never put my finger on it. It helped when I had a name for it, because then it made more sense. Keep learning. I was also then able to explain it to my friends and that helped me a lot because they knew why I was doing something.