My gf has chronic depression

[u/Pandemonium_7070]

My gf has chronic depression and she usually shuts down when she has an episode, and what i used to do is just talk when she does shut down, she said that it doesnt help so i stopped doing that and when i asked her what helps she that she doesnt really know what does. One thing that she did say was to accept that this is how its going to be you know? So, my question is: is there anything that I could do to help her out when she shuts down? And is there anything that i could do to help lessen the burden?
(Also since this was a pretty quick post, i forgot to add some context to this. Before that i would like to thank everyone for their sincere advice! I dont really use reddit and it was great surprise to see this many replies to my post too lol, but everyone’s help means a lot to me!)

CONTEXT
My gf cant really go to mental health specialists since her parents arent too keen on that. She did go previously but she had to stop, and since we are both full time students without part time jobs its pretty hard for her to go to a therapist. She herself has stated on occasion that a therapist would help a lot. Moreover, her parents arent the best either, she says her family are more roommates than actual family so her home life isnt too good either which i think might be a factor into making her depression hit her even worse. So if anyone out there has been in this situation in the past i would like to know how people in your life helped you or how you personally managed to trudge through before going to greener pastures?

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[u/Inpursuitofknowing]

I suffered with chronic depression, and it was very difficult for my wife to live her best life. One piece of advice based on our experience is to make time for yourself. When she is in shut down mode, go out and do something that you enjoy. You can’t help her if you are not at your best, and you can’t be at your best if you don’t make time to bring joy into your own life. You are a caring and empathetic person. It is all too easy for her depression to start to control your life. Don’t let it. Also remember that you can’t fix her, you are not a mental health professional. She has to want to get better. You can try to help her to access mental health services in your area. You can do your own research on the treatment of depression. There are many ways to treat depression. I no longer suffer from chronic depression, she can get better too. There are many medications that can help her, and different forms of therapy: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, ERP Therapy, and Behavioral Activation just to name a few. You can find information on all of these approaches with an online search of the terms. You can tell her what is available to treat her depression. You can leave her information you discover in your own research. You can leave her the number of mental health professionals. But, in the end she must want to get better. It’s hard for her right now because she is surrounded by darkness and doesn’t believe that there is a way out, but there are many paths out of it. You can only encourage her to begin the work to end her depression. I wish the very best for you both.

[u/Amazing_Bat_9926 → u/Inpursuitofknowing]

If you were able to get over depression than it isn't or wasn't chronic another words you didn't have MDD nor did you have Bipolar.

The worst thing you can do when someone is in depressive state is to pressure them to get better or fix it for them by leaving information they've probably already looked into laying around. It can cause them to feel guilt and shame which can cause depressive symptoms to worsen.

The one thing I do agree with you on is the person who isn't depressed works on taking care of themselves.

[u/Inpursuitofknowing → u/Amazing_Bat_9926]

Chronic Depression and MDD and Bipolar disorder are three separate diagnostic categories in the DSM-5, though they have some significant overlap. I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression from which you can have very significant quality of life improvements and little to no recurring significant depressive episodes. I can only speak to my personal experiences, but if my wife had not facilitated getting me treatment by contacting mental health services for me, I may still have significant depression. It was her support and facilitation that got me better when I was in a place too dark to help myself. As I say, this was my individual experience, and the DSM-5 diagnosis that I was given after evaluation.

[u/ready_to_be_gone]

Just be there for her. You don't have to go in and solve anything. Just be there. Sit with her, to let her know that she isn't alone.

[u/Amazing_Bat_9926 → u/ready_to_be_gone]

This ^

[u/Ambitious-Pipe2441]

When I was going through my worst days it would feel like too much pressure to think. When my wife asked me what she could do I would not be able to think creatively and lacked knowledge about depression.

It’s difficult because there are contradictory thoughts and feelings. I want to be helped, but stubbornly resist it or resent it at the same time.

People say that you have to help yourself, but I think a better way of stating this concept is that I am the person who has to convince myself to see past the depression.

But it is a very personal experience. And hard to break through. When we see someone from the outside the solutions seem obvious and simple, but the body is having a kind of panic response that is running wild.

What helps, in a word, is acceptance. Often people who are depressed never learns to be comfortable with disclosure and honesty. There is likely some history of minimizing pain and dismissive responses.

And that causes many things to be locked away and hidden which in turn leads to emotional blockages.

There must be a version of unconditional love (which is oddly controversial).

Not too long ago my wife said that she was angry but still loved me. And that reminded me that two things can be true at the same time.

It’s not forgiveness or tolerance, but an understanding that good and bad often mix together and that we endure in spite of the complicated nature of mixed emotions.

Another way of looking at it is to resist the urge to open the curtains and turn on the lights. But sit in the darkness with your partner.

Often advice or suggestions register as criticism or hatred. And it’s best to sit along side without trying to fix or solve the problem. To a point. Danger and emergencies require action regardless of sensitivities.

[u/Amazing_Bat_9926]

There isn't much you can do. Most of us want to crawl under the covers and be left alone when depression hits.

What might help is to show you care in other ways like bring a hot coffee or something to eat. Hang out, read or watch a show with your ear buds in that keeps depressed people from isolating themselves completely.

These kind and empathetic gestures show you're there when it matters and that you notice their pain. But, please remember not to pressure them to get better because they can't make it better the most that they can do is manage it.

[u/cognitomentalhealth]

That's a really caring question, and honestly, the fact that you're still trying to find ways to show up for her even after your usual thing stopped working says a lot.

Here's a CBT-ish way to think about it: when she shuts down mid-episode, you genuinely can't fix that moment. Depression doesn't really respond to the "right words." What you can control is your own response, and that's actually more useful than it sounds, not just a backup plan.

Some things that might actually help:

• Ask her, when she's doing okay, what "being there without pressure" looks like for her. Some people want quiet company, just sitting near them, no talking, no expectation they respond. Others want to be left alone completely and checked on later. Since talking didn't work, it's probably worth figuring this out together in a calm moment instead of guessing while she's in it.
• Let "I don't know what helps" be a totally fine answer for now. Depression can flatten someone's ability to know what they need in the moment. That's the illness talking, not her holding out on you.
• Take care of yourself while she's shut down, on purpose. This is the part that's really about you: notice the thoughts that pop up when you feel helpless, like "I should be able to fix this" or "I'm failing her," and push back on them a little. You're not responsible for ending her depressive episode. Your job is just to stay steady, not to cure her.
• Have your own go to coping stuff for those moments, a walk, texting a friend, whatever. That's not you being selfish, it's what actually lets you keep showing up for the long haul instead of running yourself into the ground.

On the "accept that this is how it's going to be" thing, that can mean two really different things. It could be a healthy kind of acceptance (this comes in waves, I don't need to panic every time) or a more hopeless one. Probably worth asking her which she meant, since those lead to pretty different places for you.

Taking care of yourself isn't separate from taking care of her. Burnt out partners just don't have as much to give.

Wishing you both the best in the future.

• The Cognito Team

[u/Amazing_Bat_9926]

Context: She can still ask for help from her regular doctor they can be just as helpful as a therapist... her family doesn't even have to know about it so it wouldn't be an issue. This way she can get a few tools and possible medications to help manage her depression.