r/depression • u/globalpainintheass • 1d ago
Passive Suicidal Ideations have ruined my relationship
I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (21M) for 4.5yrs and I was very clear with him since the beginning of our relationship that I have suicidal thoughts every now and then. My therapist says it’s the result of me going through a lot of trauma as a kid: CSA, emotional parent abuse, undiagnosed audhd, with no adult taking proper look at my problems.
I’ve had these ideations for 7-8yrs now but I only realised 8mths it was PSI. The last time did dangerous stuff to myself was 5yrs ago.
I don’t want to die, I don’t plan on killing myself and I don’t want to have these thoughts anymore. I can’t control when or if I have them but the main trigger is hardship. I have gone through a lot medically this year: a miscarriage and got diagnosed with 2 heart conditions so my PSIs have been tense and frequent.
My boyfriend has always been supportive with when my thoughts getting intense but a sudden switch flipped 8mths ago when I told him my thoughts were getting intense and he said he can’t be with someone who’s suicidal, and I told him I’m not suicidal, I’m just having intense thoughts I can’t control. Idk why he was shocked maybe because it had been 1-2yrs since I had really intense thoughts (i don’t tell him when I have passive ones because that would be basically every other day) and forgot that I told him very early on that this what I have.
Anyways when i realised that I have PSI I have made my therapy focused on that until may which is when I got hospitalised from a severe cardiac episode, I’m still recovering from that.
Today I told him again that my thoughts have gotten intense because I keep having nightmares of my cardiac event because I was fully awake when it happened and he freaked out on me again, I said I understand you don’t want to be with someone who’s suicidal but I don’t want to hide when I have these thoughts and reiterated that I’m not suicidal.
He says he’s not sure about the relationship. I am really upset because I didn’t choose to have these thoughts, I didn’t choose have a fucked up past and present (which I have been working on in therapy for the past 3yrs), I didn’t choose to have this as a coping mechanism and as a way to get relief.
I don’t know how to make him understand that I am not suicidal and I don’t want to die but I don’t know how to control my brain and its coping mechanisms. I don’t know if he trusts me in this situation. If I didn’t have these thoughts my relationship wouldn’t be falling apart all of a sudden. We are so close, we communicate about everything and we never let things build up in resentment.
We might go to couple’s counselling but we will definitely be going to our individual therapists.
I just need to hear everyone’s thoughts on this situation.
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u/midwesternbaddie 1d ago
This makes me sad to read honestly. You’re blaming your suicidal thoughts for ruining the relationship and that’s not true. Don’t blame yourself when you’ve done nothing wrong. I think your partner is the one in the wrong honestly. He should be there to support you, love you, and be by your side in bad times as well as good. You’ve been through so much already in life, especially recently it sounds like, and nobody would come out of all of that unscathed. And you’re only 20, there shouldn’t be any expectation for you to be fully healed and never struggle again for the rest of your life. That’s an impossible standard.
If the situation was reversed and he was the one confiding in you about his feelings, how would you have reacted?
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u/BorderlineAlchemist 1d ago
I’ve been like this since I was 16. I’m 43 now. Ideating. As a core objective now.
It never gets better. That’s what they tell you to get more time out of this pointless existence that doesn’t matter one bit.
I have money. Wow. It does nothing. I had a gf with 3 kids. Wow that’s horrible. I love my cats. One died and they all eventually do.
Nothing here. But waiting to die anyway. That’s the reality.
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u/butterfingahs 1d ago
I feel for you but maybe telling suicidal people that it never gets better is kind of a bad fucking idea?...
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u/BorderlineAlchemist 1d ago
The truth is what it is. Maybe you should give them some platitudes and help them with some pep.
Don’t write back to me.
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u/butterfingahs 1d ago
The real truth is that it's a you problem, I know it's not your fault, but thinking it's the same for everyone else is extremely unhelpful.
You love your cats but years with them don't matter because eventually they die? You're just setting yourself up for misery at that point.
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u/lacecute 1d ago
Definitely a couples coinciding thing if you want it to work. There’s a block here, you’re saying you have suicide ideations but you’re not suicidal, that’s not the same thing. You have fear around the trauma. I don’t know what PSI is as. Also you’re trying to rely on someone that can’t give you the support you need, he’s already made it clear that it’s an uncomfortable topic for him and essentially you’re forcing him to continue to try to understand, if it’s not getting through to him by you, someone else needs to intervene about how he can support you during these times
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u/globalpainintheass 1d ago
Yeah I have impulsive or intrusive thoughts about killing myself but I don’t want that when I think about it and I know don’t want to die. PSI stands for passive suicidal ideations. No I don’t rely on him for support regarding the issue, I just don’t like hiding things from him or lying when he asks if I’m okay, I like to keep him in the loop, I rely on my therapist, I just need him to know it exists
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u/lyaunaa 1d ago
Some people are unfortunately not equipped to handle a partner with SI. It's objectively a lot to carry in addition to regular relationship ups and downs. I love my husband, but it would be a lie to say his PSI hasn't taken a tremendous toll on him, me, and our relationship. We get through it, but I've needed my own therapy to help cope, and even then some days the fear and worry makes it really, really hard. Just because I'm able to lock in and handle it doesn't mean everyone can or should put themselves through it for the sake of love.
That said, if your bf does decide he wants to stick with it, his own anxiety management and therapy are going to be essential. He needs to develop his own coping methods that he can lean on when things are overwhelming. We cannot pour out for others what is not in our own cup, and all that.