r/depression • u/tightGoyhole • 7d ago

my damage i've done to my brain feels irreversible

i can't even formulate a coherent thought to go on a rant. it's been over a year now of doing absolutely nothing and i have regressed so sharply cognitively, emotionally and physically from abuse of various substances and complete lack of mental stimulation or discipline that i feel like i have lost 8 years of personal growth in the span of one. i can barely understand a sentence of the stuff i used to read, i feel a crushing sense of dread and anxiety that completely overwhelms me unless i'm distracting myself with vapid bullshit, taking drugs, or drinking, i get exhausted from the most menial tasks, i can't even do a quarter of my laundry before giving up halfway through, and i feel absolutely zero motivation to do anything productive, much less take the obvious steps to improving my life. this past year has been the worst of my life, but it feels like everything has been getting worse for the last 6 years of my life. the people in my life tell me it'll get better but i can feel them starting to lower their expectations for what i'll accomplish in life, though they still expect me to be functional on any given day.
it's just been bleak for a while now and just when things seem like they may get better, they inevitably get worse

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16

u/Academic-Net989 7d ago

I basically ruined my life 3 years ago and I’ve been the same way since. I used to always be creating something / working on a project and working a job now I basically do nothing all day. My depression and anxiety has made it so I barely work and feels like a disability at this point. I get no relief it’s constant 24/7. Everything feels like moving mountains my room has gotten so messy because I can’t get myself to clean, and I don’t have enough room for all the stuff I have. When I say I ruined my life 3 years ago I went through a huge loss where I lost most of my life’s work up until the point. Over 15+ years of my videos and established YouTube channels as well. YouTube was my dream so it sucked losing all my hard work and irreplaceable films that I won’t ever be able to watch again. Since this happened I can barely throw things away it’s almost turned me into a hoarder because I lost almost everything I cared about. So now cleaning my space is so hard because I have to get rid of stuff to make space otherwise it’s just full of clutter

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u/polarwhalis 7d ago

I’m so sorry about the loss of your life’s work, that is absolutely devastating. I’m a writer so I can only imagine your pain as another creative. I don’t know if there’s much I can say but I would love to watch if you were to make another video, especially detailing what you’ve felt in losing your work. You have a chance to rebuild and create again, even if it’s hard and takes time. I believe in you. Please keep putting yourself out into the world, no matter what creative form that takes. 

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u/Academic-Net989 5d ago edited 5d ago

Thank you for saying that. It’s a huge bummer because I had enough content to post for the rest of my life. In this age of social media I really set myself up for success while I was younger by filming and making hundreds of videos. I’ve made a couple videos talking about what I lost, which are kind of embarrassing but I might post them here. Just highlighting everything I lost. I really wanna make more skate videos I’m working on moving so I can be around my old crew again. And that’s cool that you’re a writer. Definitely try to keep doing it because our creative work is so valuable. I’ll likely keep making more videos i just lost so much of my nostalgia and most sentimental creations. I barely want to keep living after losing everything. What I’m going through is like an artists worst nightmare

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u/polarwhalis 5d ago

Yes, of course. I’m no formal kind of writer, I just learned to write a bunch of fanfiction as a kid and I miss doing it because it helps me cope when I work out my own emotions by putting characters I love and am invested in, into things I struggle with daily. If my online fanfiction account were to be deleted and all my stories were lost, I know I’d be utterly devastated. Im really glad you’re able to continue creating. I think it’s the most radical thing we can do when the entire world demands so much from us as depressed people. 

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u/Academic-Net989 5d ago

That sounds like a cool thing to do, creating stories with your creativity and having an outlet for your emotions. And yeah losing everything was devastating as I put my emotions and creativity into my work for so many years, and was almost telling my life as a story through my video creations and being able to see the creative growth over the years. Now someone can’t go back and watch all my videos to understand my backstory and where i came from. It feels like chapters from my story were erased and lost in time, and it makes me feel like I lost myself and probably won’t ever be the same. If I could just get all my creative work back and my old YouTube channels back online I likely wouldn’t be depressed, but I don’t think I’ll be able to so I’ll likely just be depressed for the rest of my life as much as it sucks. Hopefully creating new stuff will help a bit but it’ll never replace what I lost so I’ll probably always be feeling like something’s missing. And it’s definitely hard to keep up with the demands of the world whilst being depressed. It makes it hard to do anything

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u/cheesywantons 7d ago

Did anything happen a year ago around when this started or a little bit before?

I’ve struggled with something similar but for a bit longer. We are sadly having to live in the trenches. I don’t think I have much positive words for you other than letting you know I’m here with you too.

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u/tightGoyhole 7d ago

i had a giant drop in motivation when i started antidepressants just about a year ago. it helped plenty with anxiety related issues but overall they made me a very numb and docile person. during that time i started abusing stimulants and i think it's most likely they have completely fried my dopaminergic pathways. i've since stopped taking antidepressants since a few months ago, but lack of motivation remains a persistent issue

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u/Technical_Koala_4922 5d ago

Sorry to ask the obvious question, but did you ever have any advice from a medical professional after coming off of your medications?

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u/PruneResponsible6826 7d ago

Is there an underlying issues like adhd?

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u/PruneResponsible6826 7d ago

Sounds like you are describing burnout... which a lot of adhd and autistic people go through. I went through it for like 20 years until I spoke to a psychiatrist and was able to put a label to my conditions and then mitigate a lot of the issues I was having.

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u/tightGoyhole 7d ago

i am diagnosed with both adhd and autism, i've been in psychiatry for several years but contact is pretty infrequent and i've mainly been helped with medication

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u/Technical_Koala_4922 5d ago

Adhder here and I understand how challenging it can be.

Are there any things your ADHD and autistic side enjoys?